I'm a big fan of crazy English, and crazyness in general, so I wanted to share a wonderful "little" place with you.
In what has probably become my favourite bit of town, Sakuragicho, head to the World Porters building. It's about about a 10 minute walk from the station - head towards the giant ferris wheel. Look for the giant building that looks like...uh...this:
The whole building is worth a shop, but I particularly enjoyed the fifth floor, the "Broadway Avenue Floor". Here, you'll find lots of wonderful little crazy shops. Fair warning: most of the clothes in these shops are in Japanese sizes, so bring a fair bit of confidence or a smaller friend if you want to buy anything. Still... it's worth wandering.
After all, you wouldn't want to pass up the chance to see about a fashion store that might as well be called "Slutty Susan".
Loosy Lou not only encourages whoring, but also fails horribly in most of its attempts to be "cheerful", despite liberal use of "YEAH! and fluffy bunnies.
YEAH! See our family to realize As it's all running down! Fill your head all full of lies!!!
The back of the shirt isn't too shabby either, as it also matches fluffy bunnies with soul draining insanity.
Overall, it's a wildly optimistic store.
After all that soul-draining, you might want something to cheer you up. Don't worry. They've got you covered next door...
Golden Jesus lights up your life, you know.
Oh, and if you aren't into gramatically challenged depression or God-kitsch, you can always play mini golf on the roof. The view is fantastic, and 18 holes of crazy fun are only 800 yen.
And...you always know what time it is!
Still, if golf isn't your thing... I guess you could....
Get your ears cleaned?!?! This shop is on the 6th floor of World Porters.... ready with immaculately clean people armed with face masks, q-tips and barbers' chairs. Dave and I were running late, and had no time for even the 1000 yen "basic" cleaning... but if anyone else heads out there before I do, please snag some pics and report back!
Some of the greatest things about this country are the juxtapositions. Things are connected here in ways that they were never intended to be - socially, physically and even gramatically.
Perhaps this is nowhere more evident than in the bathroom. You see, the Japanese have developed what is likely the world's greatest toilet. This wonderful device includes a heated seat, a butt washer, a bidet (lady parts washer, for all you single men out there), multiple water flush levels, a deoderizer, a fan, "flushing sounds" (so that your internal orchestra can't be heard), and now... motion sensitive seats!
Adding to the technical achievement is the fact that the toilet is not controlled by any sort of crappy knob system, but rather by a wall mounted control panel (computer bank?).
Check out the sweet graphics for "ass" and what they did to avoid depicting "washing a vagina" in cartoon format.
Oh... and with buttons on the top of the control panel, you can also control different aspects of the seat. Now there's no need to use your foot to lift the seat in a skeezy bar bathroom!!!
/I know I promised not to take any more cell phone videos, but I felt weird enough making "picture" sounds in the stall. I didn't feel the need to cart in a giant camera with a huge telephoto lens.
//.... ha ha... very funny.
Of course, much in the way that your sweet old grandma can talk a lot of crap after a bottle of wine, nothing is perfect. Thus, all is not roses in the land of the Japanese bathroom. The "traditional" (aka "train station") bathroom is somewhat less technical. In fact, it consists of little more than a flushable hole in the floor.
While this hole has the admirable benefit of only needing to be cleaned once every winter, it has some significant drawbacks:
1) You have to squat uncomfortably. No magazine reading for you, mister.
2) If you aren't careful, you might crap on your shoes.
3) Drinking and going to the bathroom takes on a whole new risk level. Avoid it.
4) When you finish your business, it's WAAY more "in-your-face".
5) No more "I got it from the toilet seat, baby", excuses.
6) Did I mention that you can poo on your shoes a lot more easily?
7) You. Might. Poo. On. Your. Shoes.
There is a trick to it, which I will share with all of you non-Japanites (just in case you ever drop by, or need to crap in the woods). Pull your pants down to the lower thigh, rather than all the way down to your ankles. This minimizes the chances that you will have any...complications.
And of course, there is one more dirty little secret to the Japanese bathroom. Take a look at this picture.
Do you notice anything missing? Anything.... hygenic? Like SOAP??
For some reason, soap seems to be quite optional here. To all you people at the Fucked Up Shit Department, I would like to know how you can automate a toilet to the point where it is practically qualified to vote for me in municipal elections, yet miss something as essential as soap?!?!
Maybe if we had Robo-soap.
/For the record, I have never pooed on my shoes, but it remains my greatest Japanese bathroom fear.
One of the things I like best about this country is that my best source of nutrients and my best source of entertainment happen to be the same store. What store, you ask? Why... the humble grocery store, of course.
I've ranted many times about the comic A-list, with our usual comic culprits like Creap and Deepresso.
Sometimes, though, the joyfulness of shopping comes from a more subtle eye. Take these people, who are drastically lacking in confidence. I wouldn't buy "Dirty Pee Flavoured Ice", but these people really ought to do more than wash the stuff.
Some other companies dispense with any sort of modesty or limitation of their claims. Here is a wall of curry... some of them have opted for names like "Indian Curry" or "Dinner Curry", but check out the company selling "THE CURRY". That's it. The only curry that exists and the only one you need. It's kind of like "The Hoff", but in delicious curry form.
You can even find comedy in areas other than packaging, if you know where to shop. Check out this chunk of pre-cooked tuna neck for 800 yen.
If you don't think a kilogram of pre-cooked tuna neck is funny, try declaring it your lunch!
Sometimes you can see clearly what they were going for, but through some seemingly meaningless coincidences, you can end up connecting someone's lunch with, say.... dirt.
Best of all is when you get two or even three products lined up to deliver a punch line. I love the canned coffees. For some reason, the cute size and tough metal exterior seem to make the designers feel that they are well defended from dangerous things like innuendo and grammar.
Are you inspired? I am. I'm inspired to take a shot in the morning and then slurp up some hot sixty nine. Black or creamy... my choice.
Who knew that being lactose intolerant would stop me from enjoying a hot sixty nine every morning.
I don't watch a lot of Japanese television, but there are some shows that make me wish I did. You see, not only to a lot of Japanese game shows involve doing horrible things to the contestants, they are also horrible and RIDICULOUS things.
The other thing that Japanese game shows love is involving foreigners. In this case, we add Ernesto Hoost, who is a K-1 fighter. (For those of you who don't follow sports where people kick the ever-loving shit out of one another,"K-1" is one of the more violent iterations). The show in question is "Silent Library", where the contestants randomly dish out strange punishments to one of their group. The twist is that this all supposedly takes place in a library, so everything has to be done as silently as possible.
Here you go...
If you want to experience more of this wonderfulness, I suggest searching for "gaki no tsukai" on youtube.
Raise your hand if you just hummed "We didn't start the fire..."
I happen to be a personal fan of the 1980s, and if you happen to know that Billy Joel song, you probably are too. The other day, Japan presented me with a can of carbonated awesomeness that I haven't laid eyes on since the heady days of "New Coke". I don't know about you, but while Coke and Pepsi have always been tasty ways to simultaneously feed my caffeine and sugar urges, they have always lacked a certain indescribable quality. Despite dominating the beverage market and the vending machines of my life, I always maintained a can shaped hole in my heart for the lost bit player that stood for the small town cola machines of summer holidays. A cola product, if you will, of my lost youth.
And I found it in the strangest of places. In the local foreign food supermarket in the basement of a Shinyurigaoka departmetn store, there it was. Amid a clutter of American Tabasco sauce flavours and British Twinnings tea variants, stuck in between some strange lemon drink and a case of Kool aid, I saw it...
My sweet blue canned youth!
Royal Crown Cola! It seems like it's been since 1905 that I last tasted your yummy, sugary bubbles.
I know we all have things that remind us of our childhoods, and RC Cola is one for me. Oh...to be a little kid again... back when we had seriously stressful things to deal with, like who we should play with at recess, or what was wrong with jogging pants...or why the hell everyone would start declaring that you liked some girl when you didn't really even know who she was. (Oh, if I could go back and slap some sense into my eighth grade self, man, there would have been some hot PG rated over-the-clothes light petting.)
Of course, one has to remember that the trusty bureaucrats at the Fucked Up Shit Department have been keeping track of various cultural imports. And, after we saw how they dealt with the culinary challenge presented by Korea, we can assume a similarly heavy handed response. Finally, given the amount of nostalgia that is pressed into each and every can of RC Cola, the F.U.S.D. would be well aware that they would have to lay some serious smack down to best RC in the contest to become "Sweet Carbonated Nectar Of My Dreams."
Well, they did just that.
They laid the Smack down, that is.
Literally.
We can always count on the F.U.S.D. to make wonderfully horrific sentences a cultural necessity.
This, ladies and gentlemen, was the actual line I used to acquire a bottle of this fun for my home collection: Oh waitress, Can I have some more Smack please? To Go?
English Help: I always maintained a can shaped hole in my heart ; I always kept a special place for (eg, "remembered") for RC Cola.
the lost bit player: a small company/person that tried to compete against a larger company, but lost.
the heady days of "New Coke": "heady" means exciting, as in "things are going to your head". "New Coke" was a brief experiment by Coca Cola to change the taste of their drink. It was a total failure, and Coke brought out "Coca Cola Classic" soon after.
hot PG rated over-the-clothes light petting: elementary school romantic contact. Probably kissing and not much else.
to Smack (verb) - to hit someone/something, often across the face. It has a connection to gangsta/pimp culture. So, to "lay the smack down" is to hit someone, or more commonly, to assert your authority in an aggressive manner.
a Smack: related to the above, a slap or blow. eg: She gave him a smack for looking at other girls.
some Smack: (uncountable noun) (slang): Heroin, a powerful drug.
Ｓｏｍetimes, you get a chance to meet someone who is truly hilarious. My ego and I consider ourselves to be a rather humourous *sometimes*, but these people go well beyond "funny". I'm not about to hurt feelings or launch careers by naming names, but you can rest easy, dear reader, as you are at or near the top of list, (or will be when I meet you). Still, over the last year or so, I have enjoyed spending time with a certain man of inordinate comic talent. He's not just funny, ladies and gentlemen, he is a master of inter-cultural comic timing, slightly limited vocabulary and more slapstick than you could shake charlie chaplin holding a rubber chicken at. I'm a big fan of the oversell, but it's hard to do justice to the original. Let's just say I pray that I have a video camera on the day he finds a banana peel on the ground.
Some time ago, I promised that you'd hear about this man... so.... without further ado, I present...
Takuya!
Perhaps some background is important. I had the pleasure of meeting Takuya through two very wonderful gentlemen.
These guys would be Nick and Atsushi, who are both great guys that spent a lot of time as the closest of clothed friends. During his time here, Nick had the distinct pleasuring of meeting a delightful girl named Maki. Takuya is that girl's brother.
The story of when Nick and Takuya first met goes something like this.
Nick was very worried about meeting his girlfriend's older brother. After all, he had never met any Japanese family, and he worried greatly about how to impress the fellow. The day finally came, and he met Maki at her house. She introduced her brother, who bowed slightly and shook Nick's hand. Nick didn't quite know what to say, but stammered a greeting... "Hello," he said. "Nice to meet you. I'm Nick." "Nick," said Takuya thoughtfully. "You are my dream." "....???" Nick's entire relationship flashed before his eyes, as Maki just about laughed herself silly. "Takuya!" she chuckled. "You want to say 'what is your dream?'"
The rest, as they say, is history. Even with Nick apologetically having departed for the shores of New Jersey, I still hang out quite often with Takuya and Atsushi. Fortunately, our good friend Atsushi is quite capable in both English and Japanese. He is thus able to rescue Takuya and I from the occasional conversation consisting of "YES! IT IS DELICOUS! I LIKE IT LOTS!" "私も！美味しいです！”
That said, Takuyua and I have managed to form our own little blend of English and Japanese. You see, his English is quite a bit better than my Japanese, but we still often resort to wild gestures and pointing to share our ideas.
For example, this is "good communication" of the concept of "Good".
Here, we demonstrate "Bad".
One of the things that makes Takuya such a fun fellow is the fact that he holds within him the unrivaled comic blend absolute confidence and general ineptitude. It's a simple inverted arithmetical relationship, where the worse he is at something, the more you can expect him to boast and dive straight in. So, generally, you can assume that lots of confidence means of lots of hysterical disaster.
This isn't to say that he's a cocky, overconfident ass, because that would be far from the truth and a great injustice. I'm about to make fun of him a whole lot, so I want to make it absolutely clear that his presence guarantees an entertaining night, and I do enjoy spending time with him. He's earnest, fun and a good guy all around. Thus, he makes for a ripe target. I respect his confidence, and his cheer. He just good-naturedly does his best at everything, and tries especially hard when he's... bad at stuff. I dearly love the man, and I love the fact that he smiles his way through any setback.
So... now that I've been extra complimentary, hopefully that will make up for the photographic evidence I'm about to present. Without further ado, let's dive into...
A STEP BY STEP PHOTOGRAPHIC GUIDE TO TAKUYA'S GREATEST HITS*!
*misses.
1) HITTING STUFF!
Let's start with a simple wear-a-blindfold-and-whack-a-watermelon game.
Step 1) Approach the watermelon
Step 2) Find some psuedo-nearby dirt
Step 3) Hit the dirt so hard you break the stick.
/seriously. He smashed the metal stick in half.
2) BOATING!!
Step 1) Get into the boat facing the wrong way. That's important. It will help remind your friend to get his camera out and start taking pictures.
Step 2) Generally, a large pond doesn't have that many opportunities to hit the trees. Do so anyway.
Step 3) Check the instructions.
Step 4) Fold yourself into the "power" position. YOOOOOSH!!!! PULL REALLY FREAKING HARD!!
Step 5) Gloat in boating dominance of your awesome forward momentum.
Step 6) You'll get it eventually.
3) DRINKING!
Takuya, fortunately for governments around the world, was born without much of the enzyme that breaks down alcohol.
1 DRINK!
2 DRINKS!
3 DRINKS!
er... 3 DRINKS!
4) AWARENESS OF THE SITUATION AND/OR CAMERA!
There's nothing waitresses like more than drums.
Seriously.
Cheese?
How about now?
5) ENGLISH!
Actual quotes:
"Um... Brento... Do Canadians Cry Maple Syrup?"
Someone: "What do you think of Nick being your brother in law?" Takuya: "Um.... Very Maybe."
Eventually I will track down a better video, as I definitely put him on the spot in this case. Nonetheless, here's a video of him trying to explain that we are friends.
This could also be filed under drinking.
Ａｌｌ ｔｈｅ Japanese you need for this video:
"Eigo" (sounds like "Eggo") English "Eigo De" In English "hiyaku" Hurry up!
Best trivia: Takuya works as a High School English Tutor.
/which makes sense if you don't know a scrap of English, it has to be explained in Japanese first...
6) BODY LANGUAGE! One of the things that makes Takuya so great is the fact that he gestures wildly and flails around like some crazy westerner. This is not so typical for the Japanese, but it sure makes for fun social interaction.
/many more pictures are coming to this section.
7) RELATIONSHIPS!!! Oh... laaaadiessss???! HE'S SINGLE! /seriously. You should bump uglies with him.
He's...like...rich...
...and he promotes world peace.
And... if you're into dressing up like a cartoon character, he's kind of into that too.
They say that communication is 90% non verbal... and I believe it. Regardless of my limited Japanese skills and his unique English skills, we speak the same language.
Apparently, somebody somewhere sent an urgent memo about all of the crazy things that the Koreans have been doing lately. That memo seems to have been read by somebody important in the Fucked Up Shit department, and they decided to call in the big sweatshop manufactured Chinese guns.
That's right. Japanese craziness has triumphed over Korean craziness with a bit of assistance from Yokohama's Chinatown. Chinatown itself is a mad land of street vendors selling buns, random kitsch and upscale duck restaurants. For good measure, they've also thwown a healthy helping of knock-off designer clothing, stolen intellectual property and easily accessible public transit.
Specifically, I recommend the Chinatown Museum, which is in the heart of Chinatown and the setting for all of this fun.
Look for people ignoring the fearsome lion guardians that lost the power to smite foreigners around the 15th Century. That's when they traded in their mystic powers for some gold leaf and a nice view of the local schoolgirls.
Head to the fifth floor and use the rest of this post as a step by step guide.
Now, you are probably asking how they answered the urgent fax from the "Fucked Up Shit" department and why all this buildup hasn't led to any actual fucked-up-ness yet. Mainly, it's because I lack focus. But we're all set up now, so hold on to your gender identities...
OK! First of all they went all crazy and changed the entire genus. Mammals? forget that. Fish? Childs's play. They went right to the source...the big show stopper.
Insects.
Yeah... that's right. The broke out the exoskeleton.
Oh... and by the way, in case you weren't clear, we aren't talking about sissy crap like killing insects in video games or having them as pets. No way. "Insects" is a category without par in one specific area.
DINNER.
Yes, that's right. In honour of all of the blustering that's been done about the things I will eat, I finally broke the bug barrier and ate something insectoid.
And, well... apparently the memo people at the Fucked Up Shit department wrote that memo ENTIRELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS, because they didn't schedule anything remotely normal, like a fly or a beatle. Nope. They wanted something... poisonous.
Like a fried scorpion.
Ah hell... let's make it two so that Dave can play too.
Oh? Those chicken wing thingies in the background? YEah... those aren't chickin wings.... Rather, they're Frogs' legs, which seem entirely tame and commonplace after the deep fried scorpion.
Anyone want to see this on video?
Oh yeah, we even managed to talk a bunch of other poor saps into trying the scorpions. And by "trying", I mean "posing for glamour shots with bugs in your mouth."
Suckers.
Nice work Goshiko!
Way to go Roli! er... Lori. Right.
Of course...you can't eat scorpions without washing them down. You need something extra special. Like Sake.
mmm... delicious Sake.
Er, remember how the Fucked Up Shit Department wrote that memo in capitals? Well, sake is good... but you need sake with a special ingredient to really make an impact.
hmmm.... what could we use....
Um...
How about a Lizard. That's fucked up, right? I'm not sure. Let's check again.
Yep. Definitely fucked up.
It tasted a bit on the harsh side, but was in no way unplesant. In fact, one of my students managed to compose himself from his revulsion less than two minutes and fifteen seconds after I showed him these pictures.
"I heard those are good for your health..." he said.
Well, shit! Make mine a double!
After all, the good folk at the reptile brewery were good enough to put a picture on the bottle in case you weren't clear on the fact that you're drinking bits of fermented lizard.
Heck, they even went ahead and listed the ingredients. They're in Japanese, but I'm pretty sure the first ingredient on the list is "600ml of Bragging Rights" followed closely by "DUDE, THERE'S A FUCKING LIZARD IN HERE! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!?"
So... we've had bugs, amphibians and lizards coming together to meet the challenge and save some jobs at the F.U.S.D. Still, I suppose this is a bit of a cheap shot. This is "Merry Man In Japan", not "Merry Man Passing Off Fucked Up Chinese Food As Part Of A Crazy Japanese Adventure"
Don't worry. Japan always has more fun in store for the culinary adventurer.
Culture shock is what happens when you live in a foreign country, and you often become irritated or frustrated by all of the cultural differences. Culture Shock makes people bitter, angry and frustrated. It makes people hate all the little things that make a nation like Japan unique, and it has the potential to put a real damper on your ex-patriot life.
One way to fight Culture Shock is to be hellbent on being more shocking than any given cultural situation.
I have a dirty mind, a sick sense of humour and I firmly believe in eating very strange things to assert my rightful place on the food chain.
Welcome to my little window on Japansanity.
