And then there was one....

Shortly after my arrival in Japan, a friend tried to prepare me for the cultural differences that are inherent in food (er, "scare the shit out of me") by describing various fanciful and different foods that seem strange to the Western palette. For example, he described how sushi could be pulled still-wriggling from the tank and killed in front of you.

"Yum", I responded at the time, and stand by that assessment after eating said wriggling fish numerous times. My friend proceeded to describe natto (fermented soy beans), taco (octopus), basashi (raw horse meat) and finally suzume (fried sparrows). I've managed to find and consume all of these things during my travels, with the notable exception of the sparrows.

Now, this isn't like eating a chicken, where the meat has been nicely chopped up so as not to resemble a live bird. Sparrows, as you may appreciate, are somewhat smaller. Thus, the easy solution is to skip the whole "chopping" crap, and just spear the suckers on sticks and roast them whole.

Interesting... to say the least. So, I've kept my eye out for them, but my Japanese reading skills aren't quite up to spec yet - without appetizing pictures, I am sometimes not all that sure what I am ordering. Mind you, this plan hasn't steered me wrong very many times.

-------

Fast forward to Saturday night at Hanbey, the basement Shibuya Izakaya that looks like 1950s Japan, and serves everything at 1950s Japan prices (grand total for a huge dinner for seven and three rounds of drinks: 16 000 yen ($160, or about $20 per person). This place is especially fun if you enjoy a few rounds of deep fried everything.




Of course, to compliment this, we were also imbibing a bunch of delicious shochu. Shochu, of course, is a rice or potato based drink that comes with the best designed glass EVER.



I touched on this some time ago, but I still love the system. The glass is served inside a small box. The glass is then filled past overflowing, until the liquor fills up the box as well. Then, as you drink it, any slop that spills out of the glass splashes into the box. You then simply pull the glass out of the box, and pour the box-booze into the glass, and quickly make it belly booze. Genius.

Here, you see our waitress pouring shochu into our eager glasses and boxes.



Be sure to note the amused grin on her face. This picture was taken immediately *after* I made a fateful request.

"Five of what you recommend, please!" (あなたのおすすめを五つお願いします！）


Suddenly, amid some fanfare and laughter from the wait-staff, five very small, very ugly looking bird carcasses appeared. I say "carcasses", because sparrows are generally cute. These looked more like shriveled up zombie-bird skeletons, covered in some sort of demon sauce. I never hesitated on the still-moving fish, or even the scorpion, but suzume are not an appetizing thing.

Especially when it seems to gaze back at you from the skewer.


See?

They taste something like what I imagine zombie birds to taste like too, if they were properly prepared. They weren't all that bad... mainly they were really quite crunchy (a whole skeleton and a beak will do that), but also surprisingly rather bitter. I thought the sauce was the bitter bit, but one of my dining companions informed me that the sauce was actually sweet, and was there to cover some of the bitterness of these skewered swallows. Man, those were some pissed off, bitter birds.

I wonder why they're so bitter. Maybe all the other birds have huge expectations in when they find out what kind of bird the Swallow is. "You're a cute bird, baby... wait... *you're* the *Swallow* bird??? Awesome. Let me give you my number... and you can drop by my nest any time..."


Anyway... I guess I can honestly say that suzume were actually a bit of a bump for me. I had to chase them with a skewer of tentacles to get the taste out of my mouth.



And the "one" food remaining? Why... "fugu" of course. The food that can actually kill you. Of course, I'll certainly take suggestions for other strange things to eat.

Japanese Supermarkets: Rather Superb

One of the things I like best about this country is that my best source of nutrients and my best source of entertainment happen to be the same store. What store, you ask? Why... the humble grocery store, of course.

I've ranted many times about the comic A-list, with our usual comic culprits like Creap and Deepresso.

Sometimes, though, the joyfulness of shopping comes from a more subtle eye. Take these people, who are drastically lacking in confidence. I wouldn't buy "Dirty Pee Flavoured Ice", but these people really ought to do more than wash the stuff.




Some other companies dispense with any sort of modesty or limitation of their claims. Here is a wall of curry... some of them have opted for names like "Indian Curry" or "Dinner Curry", but check out the company selling "THE CURRY". That's it. The only curry that exists and the only one you need. It's kind of like "The Hoff", but in delicious curry form.



You can even find comedy in areas other than packaging, if you know where to shop. Check out this chunk of pre-cooked tuna neck for 800 yen.



If you don't think a kilogram of pre-cooked tuna neck is funny, try declaring it your lunch!

Sometimes you can see clearly what they were going for, but through some seemingly meaningless coincidences, you can end up connecting someone's lunch with, say.... dirt.




Best of all is when you get two or even three products lined up to deliver a punch line. I love the canned coffees. For some reason, the cute size and tough metal exterior seem to make the designers feel that they are well defended from dangerous things like innuendo and grammar.

Are you inspired? I am. I'm inspired to take a shot in the morning and then slurp up some hot sixty nine. Black or creamy... my choice.



Who knew that being lactose intolerant would stop me from enjoying a hot sixty nine every morning.

Skipping over the pond

The Pacific Ocean is big. This fact, plus the usual airport/customs/immigration paperwork/waiting funfest means that a trip across the ocean is a bloody long one.

Oh, and since some bonehead Canadian invented Standard Time, I can also tell exactly how many hours the day will be extended or reduced by.

For example: a 14 hour time difference means......

Departure time from Toronto home: 10:45 AM, January 7th.
Arrival time at Tokyo apartment: 9:00 pm, January 8th.

U G H.


The upshot?

Some more evidence that cell phone cameras should kick ass so you don't always have to dig out your "real" camera. Here are some shots of clouds up near the Arctic Circle. They fly up near the pole for two reasons: 1) actual geography and 2) to uphold the great map-perception conspiracy that makes you feel that Greenland deserves almost as much UN representation as Africa.



Anyway, on to the fun pics.


Mmmm... marshmallow fields.


Yay for global-warming-inducing contrails!!! Whee!!!


Ok... that looks purty.



I learned a few lessons during the flight as well!

Good things to order when flying from Tokyo to Toronto

1) THE SALMON! Very yummy and fresh!
2) Wine! Drinks count for double at 20000 feet. Intercontinental flights are like the world's most expensive AND most effective all-you-can-drink parties!

Bad things to order when flying from Toronto to Tokyo

1) THE SALMON! Very scummy and reheated!
2) "Japanese Rice". Japanese people just say "Rice". You should be very suspicious* if the flight staff leaving Canada feel the need to specify that this particular rice is "Japanese".


*Very suspicious: Very unwilling** to risk.

**Very unwilling: do as I say, not as I do.

Sushi: Done Right

I've eaten a lot of raw fish since stepping off the plane, but I just can't get enough. Maybe I have some sort of Mercury addiction. While the downsides of this are cancer and a much longer waiting time at airport security checks, knowing the temperature and eating a lot of damn fine tuna are at least within spitting distance of a reasonably good trade off.


And the odd tentacle isn't so bad either.

In any case, probably the best place for choppedup chunks of top-o-the-food chain mercury collectors (aka "maguro" or "tuna") is a little joint called "Midori Zushi". Let's just say that it's good enough that I'm not worried about spoiling your appetite with the potential health hazards of Tuna.

I wrote about this shop back in August, but I've taken a few more trips and managed to snag a few more pictures, so it's definitely worth another bout.

There are several locations around the city, including Shibuya and Futakotamagawa, but the flagship store in Umegaoka is still the best. (Umegaoka is about ten minutes or so west of Shinjuku on the Odakyu Line... directions below).

The plastic food out front is enticing but not extraordinary, and in terms of decor, all three places are nice, but not mind boggling. The service actually bordered on slow a few times, but after eating one dish, I'm as likely to bitch about waiting in line to see Cameron Diaz Mud Wrestling Angelina Jolie. **

I mean, it's not like the chef-to-cutting board space ratio is all that bad.



You see, buck toothed Jehovah's witnesses with unibrows could serve this sushi in an alley decorated with busts of Tucker Carlson, and I'd still eat there three times a week.

But don't take my word for it. Check out these massive cuts.

The "Ultimate Fatty Tuna" is on the left. Midori sells sushi by the plate or by the individual piece. Each of those goes for about 400 yen ($4), and I don't question the value for a moment.


Salmon.


More Salmon.


A lot more Salmon!


The rolls they make are huge... about the same diameter as a can of coke.


MmMmmm....fish eggs are better than you think they are.


My absolute strongest recommendation, however, is the "blowtorch platter". One piece each of Salmon, Cuttlefish (aka Squid EDIT: ok, it's not all that related to squid, but it has freaking tentacles, and it's freaking delicious. Eat it. ), and Shrimp, Scallops and Tuna. Roasted to bring out the fatty flavour, it melts in your mouth like no culinary cliche I've ever tasted.

Put it this way: given my violent loyalty to unadulterated, still-flipping-raw fish, you can only imagine how "bloody" good this platter has to be for a COOKED dish to take the top spot.


Sorry that all the pieces aren't in the pic, but... let's just say that my taste buds beat out my camera/bloggind instinct.





Added bonuses!


1) They sure as hell aren't stingy about the Wasabi!



2) The Chefs are all willing to mack on girls at the bar!


/Check out the dude on the left, who totally just lost the "grenade" draw.

3) At least 50% of you stumbled across this site while looking for porn! I'm proud of you for reading the whole post! I took a peek at the referral list, and the number of people googling for some sort of Japanese Fuckfest astounded even my dirty mind. And now that I've included "Japan Fuck Fest" (with both spelling variations), the word "coke" as well as a bit about Cameron Diaz Mud Wrestling Angelina Jolie (twice), I can pretty much guarentee that MORE than 50% of you were looking for some sort of filthy awful porn. I'd like to apoligise to most of you for ruining your excitement. Still, if you're reading this, your probably hungrier than you are horny.



Directions:

Umegaoka
From Umegaoka station, head out the entrance on your left (the one with McDonald's, and yes I am aware of the irony of using a McDonald's to give directions to what might be one of the greatest sushi restaurants in the world). Turn left and follow the road to the first intersection, and take the road that turns 45 degrees to your right. Continue down the road for about thirty or forty metres, and just look for the large crowd of people waiting in line. That's the restaurant. Er... or you could use this map.

Futakotamagawa
Head north out of Futakotamagawa Station on the Tokyu Line (again, towards McDonalds...). Cross the street and head to your right towards the Takashimaya department store. (er, the Red one) It's up in the food court on the fourth or fifth floor. Just ask for directions or read the signs once you get to the Department store. Look for the lineup of people.

Shibuya
From Hachiko statue, head across the street towards the entrance to the Keio line. (If you don't know where this is, stand looking into the eyes of the Hachiko statue. Then cross the street immediately behind it - the crossing is a bit to your left). There is a huge department store called "Shibuya Mark City". Midori is on the fourth floor. Yup. Line up. McDonald's is downstairs if you want to earn a shitload of bad karma after eating at what might be the greatest bang-for-your-buck sushi restaurant in the world.

Sushi: Now available in your fridge!

I've always enjoyed a lot of sushi, but have generally restricted its consumption to restaurants and the occasional take-out party. Now, though, the supermarket is fair game, and they are open 24 hours! Woo!

That means I eat a lot more of this:



Buying a package of sashimi from my local grocer is a relatively new phenomenon in my life. I think I can safely say that most people don't have enough faith in their local supermarket to take home a fish and eat it without cooking it. I was one of them. Here in Japan, though, the packages of fish come with little bits of wasabi or ginger. Well, that's enough to demonstrate to me that the grocer actually does expect you to eat this with little preparation beyond slicing it up. This is a wonderful thing, ladies and gentlemen. It really makes you feel like a culinary artist to be able to carefully select you raw fish slab, drag it home, and prepare it with the sharpest knife you own. Yes, you are indeed an amateur sushi chef!

Well, you are...until the reality that you are nowhere near close to having the skill to make it LOOK all that appetizing.





I like to call these "Picasso Rolls". Er, not because I'm an artist, but because the proportions are all wrong and everything looks a bit twisted and freakish.
Still, they tasted pretty good.

Tentacles off, mister!

Any guesses where I went this weekend?






Close up pictures are ok, mind you.



mmmmmmm..... tentacley goodness. More soon.

Blast from the past

The other weekend, my good friend Dave showed me a delightful little izakaya in Shibuya. I have no idea what the name is, but it probably translates into either "Welcome honourable visitor to our humble and smoky place of drinking. While it is not much, we hope you enjoy your food and bring many hungry friends back to our small and poorly decorated basement" or "EAT CHEAP FOOD GOOD, YES?" I don't know... I always mix up those two characters. It's tough to find, but well worth the time and the effort. For now, let's call it The Downstairs Smack Room, being indeed the place where I acquired said carbonated double entendre.

This little place has a strange but altogether enjoyable vibe. Equal parts bar, small town diner and izakaya, stepping in is like stepping thirty or forty years back in time. Well... back to my stereotypical impression of that time, that is.

Japanese izakayas are fun and interesting places, but many of them are large chains that do away with the local character, unique dishes and perceived lack of hygiene that make the little places so much fun to visit. As soon as you step in, you'll realize that the air is swimming with a mixture of tobacco and roasting meat hanging in the air. Yes indeed, this is a smell that lets you know that now is the time and the place for indulgence.



Other than the amount of styling gel bracing most male patrons' hair, one would never know that it was 2006. The lights are dim, the walls are lined with old posters, and classic tins of food sit along the bar. The posters were the most interesting, as they seemed to be a mixture of circus burlesque and post-WWII propaganda.



Contrary to my earlier assertion of health-dismissal, you'll start your meal/drinkfest off with a large plate of cabbage.

I told Dave that cabbage helps keep you virile.*


After that, you can stock up on lots of reasonably priced yakitori (the meat skewers that perfume the air so nicely), fried plates, pizzas and just about any other cheap, hearty izakaya food that you might want. All of the prices are decidedly less than you would expect to pay. 50 yen for asparagus/bacon skewers or hard boiled egg skewers. Various cuts of chicken, Shitake mushrooms, pork and beef are all on the yakitori menu, and they certainly have a deep fryer if you want to make up for the appetizer.

I also noticed a few things going for just TEN yen. I didn't know what they hell they were at first, but we ordered five on principle.


This is what came. Sembe, as Dave had explained after ordering, are a kind of crispy snack. Our cheerful waitress plopped these in front of us a speedy fifteen minutes after we ordered (I wouldn't hustle at those prices either).

Perhaps the most amusing price on the menu was actually for Cigarettes. While Japan is known for having cheap smokes (270 yen = $2.70 per pack, anyone?), this place takes the bar to a whole new low. They offer a can of Cigarettes for 800 yen. This presumably comes in a nice tin with a whole bunch of smokes.

But... you can also get cigarettes for the low low price of 'free'.

Yep, that's right. Free.



Seemingly, if you want a cigarette here, according to the menu, you can just ask for one. Though I kicked my social smoking habit in the most unlikely of nations, I still appreciate this move as a nice gesture.

Mostly, though, I suspect this measure was put in place to cut down on flirting by cheap people. Since the bar is so bloody inexpensive, I suppose the staff had problems with some customers assuming that the other patrons were equally cheap. So, the staff went ahead and made sure that no one would have an excuse to ask for a cigarette. That way, people are forced to invest several hundred yen in a beverage, to show that they are really willing to make an effort.

With these limitations, you need to plan your strategy well ahead if you want to have a good time here. I have two main suggestions:

1) Bringing and being prepared to spend at least three or four of those 500 yen coins (yes, the big ones). You could also buy drinks with your 10 yen coins, but don't ask the waitress for her number after.

2) Bringing your own company and enjoying the fun atmosphere, incredibly well priced food and interesting posters.

3) Same as number 2, but have a lot of Smack.


Smack, seen here in it's original habitat. You generally aren't allowed to take these out of the restaurant. Fortunately, I always carry both a healthy amount of charm and the severed head of the last waitress that wouldn't let me cart away some sweet comedic gold.





----------------


Finding it:
As I said, to find the place, you'll probably need a guide. If you want to take your chances, though, it's located at the bottom of a set of stairs out in the back of Shibuya Station (near where the Hobgoblin is). From the Hobgoblin, head away from the station down to the end of the street until you see a large mall with a bridge over the road. Turn left, and look for that shady looking kung fu guy with noodles. It's around the corner from there.


* I might not actually have told him that at the time, but he knows now. Right Dave?

Healthy Digestion

Irony has many definitions, but I happen to enjoy these two the most:

1) A difference between what is expected and what actually happens.
2) When a word is used to mean something different than it's literal (dictionary) definition.


About 74% of the fun I have in Japan comes from the fact that I see irony everywhere.

(Editor's note: most likely, this indicates that the irony is within the Author, as he has (1) strange expectations and (2) a really strange mind).



Of course, whenever possible, I try to explain things with food.


Irony:
Q: What are we going to eat for dinner?
A: Stomach!




Interesting trivia: You can tell how long a western person has been living in Asia by the materials they come up with when trying to guess the identity of a new food. You can guess how much they like it here by their reaction to said new food.

Me: (holding up sliced stomach) "So...is this seaweed...or octopus.... or what?"
Friend: It's cow stomach.
Me: Ok. (chewing...) Mmmm! Tasty!

And with the pinch hit... it's JAPAN for the win!

Apparently, somebody somewhere sent an urgent memo about all of the crazy things that the Koreans have been doing lately. That memo seems to have been read by somebody important in the Fucked Up Shit department, and they decided to call in the big sweatshop manufactured Chinese guns.

That's right. Japanese craziness has triumphed over Korean craziness with a bit of assistance from Yokohama's Chinatown. Chinatown itself is a mad land of street vendors selling buns, random kitsch and upscale duck restaurants. For good measure, they've also thwown a healthy helping of knock-off designer clothing, stolen intellectual property and easily accessible public transit.

Specifically, I recommend the Chinatown Museum, which is in the heart of Chinatown and the setting for all of this fun.



Look for people ignoring the fearsome lion guardians that lost the power to smite foreigners around the 15th Century. That's when they traded in their mystic powers for some gold leaf and a nice view of the local schoolgirls.




Head to the fifth floor and use the rest of this post as a step by step guide.


Now, you are probably asking how they answered the urgent fax from the "Fucked Up Shit" department and why all this buildup hasn't led to any actual fucked-up-ness yet. Mainly, it's because I lack focus. But we're all set up now, so hold on to your gender identities...


OK! First of all they went all crazy and changed the entire genus. Mammals? forget that. Fish? Childs's play. They went right to the source...the big show stopper.

Insects.

Yeah... that's right. The broke out the exoskeleton.


Oh... and by the way, in case you weren't clear, we aren't talking about sissy crap like killing insects in video games or having them as pets. No way. "Insects" is a category without par in one specific area.

DINNER.

Yes, that's right. In honour of all of the blustering that's been done about the things I will eat, I finally broke the bug barrier and ate something insectoid.

And, well... apparently the memo people at the Fucked Up Shit department wrote that memo ENTIRELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS, because they didn't schedule anything remotely normal, like a fly or a beatle. Nope. They wanted something... poisonous.

Like a fried scorpion.




Ah hell... let's make it two so that Dave can play too.




Oh? Those chicken wing thingies in the background?

YEah... those aren't chickin wings.... Rather, they're Frogs' legs, which seem entirely tame and commonplace after the deep fried scorpion.


Anyone want to see this on video?





Oh yeah, we even managed to talk a bunch of other poor saps into trying the scorpions. And by "trying", I mean "posing for glamour shots with bugs in your mouth."

Suckers.


Nice work Goshiko!


Way to go Roli! er... Lori. Right.


Of course...you can't eat scorpions without washing them down. You need something extra special. Like Sake.




mmm... delicious Sake.


Er, remember how the Fucked Up Shit Department wrote that memo in capitals? Well, sake is good... but you need sake with a special ingredient to really make an impact.

hmmm.... what could we use....


Um...




How about a Lizard. That's fucked up, right? I'm not sure. Let's check again.



Yep. Definitely fucked up.


It tasted a bit on the harsh side, but was in no way unplesant. In fact, one of my students managed to compose himself from his revulsion less than two minutes and fifteen seconds after I showed him these pictures.

"I heard those are good for your health..." he said.


Well, shit! Make mine a double!


After all, the good folk at the reptile brewery were good enough to put a picture on the bottle in case you weren't clear on the fact that you're drinking bits of fermented lizard.



Heck, they even went ahead and listed the ingredients. They're in Japanese, but I'm pretty sure the first ingredient on the list is "600ml of Bragging Rights" followed closely by "DUDE, THERE'S A FUCKING LIZARD IN HERE! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!?"






So... we've had bugs, amphibians and lizards coming together to meet the challenge and save some jobs at the F.U.S.D. Still, I suppose this is a bit of a cheap shot. This is "Merry Man In Japan", not "Merry Man Passing Off Fucked Up Chinese Food As Part Of A Crazy Japanese Adventure"



Don't worry. Japan always has more fun in store for the culinary adventurer.