Merry Man In Japan: sport humping

Showing posts with label sport humping. Show all posts

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Japanese High School Introductions

The other night, I was studying Japanese in Shibuya while waiting for my fellow all night dance party revelers. Of course, studying Japanese in public is an easy ice breaker for young J-folk who want to talk to foreigners (ie, study english and/or make dirty jokes).

So, of course, a group of high school boys noticed me studying. Eventually, one of them mustered the courage to ask a question (in Japanese)

"You speak Japanese?"

"I can speak a little." I said. "But I need to study more."
(This is both the appropriately modest answer and the unfortunate truth)

Thus, an opening was made, and a flurry of increasingly personal questions followed. Asking questions about hobbies and interests is the standard introduction method here in Japan. When people meet, it's usually five minutes of a predictable Question and Answer format. Unfortunately, the best questions came into use around 1962, and people have just been recycling them ever since.

So, how long stay in Japan?

Um... about 15 months. How about you? (I always ask this)

hahah.... I'm high school student. What's your favourite food in Japan?

I like sushi. I eat it three or four times a week.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh? Three times?

Yep. I love it...

(insert the standard few questions about our favourite fish (Eel, Salmon) and Restaurants (Midori)

.... Where are you from?

I'm from Toronto, in Canada. Do you know of it?

Ahhh.... Toront. I want to go.

To Toron-to. Yes, it's very wonderful.
(Japanese folk know that the "to" character at the end of the word usually represents "t", so they always drop the "o" a the end of "Toronto")

Wow! Do you like Japanese girl?
(It ALWAYS comes to this)

Yes, they are very nice.

oooooo.... so...which is better? Japanese girl or Canada girls??
(It ALWAYS comes to this next, and I'm nowhere near dumb enough to give a straight answer)

Well, I like fun girls, so I like both...

Really?!? Both? ... Do you play sex every night?

Actually, we say "have"...

(For a moment, he stares at me with a look of blank expectation)

/I shrug, and give in to the conversation. I show him the stickers on my phone.

"Tokyo Boy Friends Exchange"

恋人募集中 ("lover recruitment in progress")*

To me, these are funny for their shock-value. To him, they were enough to turn rumour into gospel. Sagely, he points to my crotch and nods.

It's very big, isn't it?

Um.... yeah... just promise me that you won't use that line on Western women, ok?

----------------------------------

I'm not sure what they teach these kids in Japanese high schools, but the English classes this guy has been taking seem to be entirely focused on making him a dirty, cock obsessed playboy with a love of exotic cultures and short skirts.

In the west, we rely on music videos for that important task.

English help:

1) Regarding introductions: asking questions about hobbies is par for the course here. If you want to introduce yourself naturally in English, try commenting on the situation, or something else you have in common. That's way more fun.

2) a look of blank expectation: he has no thoughts, but he's excited.

3) Shock-value: something that's effective because it's shocking. Like some of my posts, hopefully.

4) Turn rumour into gospel: Change something into commonly accepted truth.

* - Thanks again, Dave!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

NSFW: How To Speak Sexy English

First of all, NSFW stands for “not safe for work”.

Thus, you can probably guess that this post won’t be very clean, seeing as reading it at work is probably grounds for losing your job. So, don’t read this at work. More specifically, don’t play the video.

Why?

Because this is a very rude post!

You shouldn't read it unless you already know or want to learn some very dirty English words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve been teaching English for quite awhile. I think that I am a pretty good teacher, and about lessons are generally rather fun. I will admit, however, that next group of teachers taught such an interesting English lesson that other teachers will even be tempted to sign up.

Watch, enjoy, learn and grow as you see fit.

And by the way, that production was by far the most exciting way to ended in this lesson I’ve ever heard of.

So hold onto your virgin years, as I present to you...HOW TO SPEAK SEXY ENGLISH!

Language and Culture notes:

1) It’s spelled “mastUrbation”, not “mastErbation”.

2) I love that they censored the Japanese word for "Pussy", but not the Japanese word for "Cock". This in spite of the fact that they included a thirty second close-up shot of said (CENSORED).

3) I think they missed the mark with “cockpit”. I’d never heard of this used to describe anything other than the place where you drive an airplane from. I can see how they wanted to show a Pit (eg, a hole) is a good place to put a Cock, but I would have used two words (Cock Pit) and separated this metaphor from the other more widely used terms.

Back me up here, but if some girl told me to get to the "Cockpit" when when we weren’t on a plane, I'd think she was crazy. Mind you, if that girl lifted up her kilt and said “the goal to me in the complex!!!” most people would be able to figure out what she meant. So girls, don’t worry too much. If you show someone your underwear and say “Gargle me timbers and shiver the lasses!” or “Slinky My Cockpit!”, most guys will be able to figure it out.

/and girls complain that guys don’t understand subtle non-verbal communication. You just need to wear a kilt and demonstrate your intentions a little more clearly.

4) "Case of Taro" sounds a bit strange. Any of the following would be more grammatically accurate:

- Taro’s Story

- Taro’s Skit

- Taro’s Case

- Taro's Adventure In GaikokuPussyLand

- The Time That Taro Got Blown By His Teacher During Class...YEAH!!

5) The dialogue is spoken and transcribed a bit strangely. Here' s a revised script. My suggestions are in CAPITALS.

A: Hi Taro!

B: Hi Gloria, what’s up?

A: NOT MUCH…yeah… this is A /MY pussy

B: I see… this is A/MY dick.

A: IT’S A dick, not A cock, IS IT?

B: I'LL BE God Damned, you can say “Cock” too, CAN’T YOU?

I would say that “God Damned” is a bit strong for this situation. Maybe “Oh yeah, I forgot!” would be better).

A: All right, this is MY cockpit, isn’t it?

Cockpit: pussy, vagina, moist neither regions, bearded clam, whatever…. Cockpit is not so clear.

Isn’t it?: I think that she should have used falling intonation here instead of rising intonation. She isn’t asking him whether she just showed him her crotch… she’s telling him. So, “isn’t it.”

B: Yeah! I want to put MY COCK in(to) (there/you/your pussy)!

A: YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR dick inside MY pussy?

B: You are good at GIVING BLOW jobS, aren’t you?

(Dude!!! Why are you backpeddling??? She's so into you!!!)

A: Do you want to FIND OUT?

A & B: YEAH!

(This is exactly correct. When fooling around in English, people turn ninety degrees. Men turn to the right and women turn to the left. After this, both yell “YEAH!” immediately before any sexual activities.)

Overall, a well prepared lesson. Good elicitation and nice use of props and “realia”. Most of all, great job on student participation. Keep up the good work, and maybe bring another teacher to participate for the next lesson. That way, the class is sure to expand.

Language help for the language help:

/fortunately for me, most of the dirty words have already been explained...which is the point of this whole post.

Backpeddling: To go backwards, (as in pedal your bike backwards, or run backwards)... to back away from something you were headed towards before.

GaikokuPussyLand: "Gaijin" (outsider/foreigner) is actually quite a rude word in Japanese... "Gaikokujin" (person from another country) is considered much more polite. "Jin" means "person", so instead of person, I included a crass joke.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Badger Badger Badger Badger

Step 1: Random Internet Video.

Step 2: Reenact!

Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger

Badger Badger Badger

Badger Badger

Mush-room Mush-room

The Snaaaaakeee!

Step 3: Profit?

Monday, November 06, 2006

Had: Too Much Fun

This friday was a holiday in Japan. While I neglected to take the Saturday off, in the interest of saving it for a "big" trip, this still left me with an extra day to find trouble. It'll take me a few posts to suitabily distill the offensiveness and eliminate any of that wholesome fluff nobody wants.

Thus, good stuff is on the way!

TODAY, on the other hand, is not so good. In any sense of the word, really.

So consider this fair warning... I spent several stimulating hours pushing the "rotate" button in my picture folder (OMG CTRL K YOU GUYS, ROTFLOMGOMG!), so I'm going to sink to my ol' comic standby. That's right, today's post is entirely about humping unexpected objects. So, if you have better things to do with your time than look at me getting groped by a 12 foot tall stuffed panda bear, check back tomorrow.

Seriously. I'll put up some crazy engrish all this week, and you can enjoy that.

Why are you still here?

Gar. Ok. My consience is clear now. Let's sport humping!

Things that were groped this weekend:

1) A whole lot of cute chicks.