Potty Minded

Some of the greatest things about this country are the juxtapositions. Things are connected here in ways that they were never intended to be - socially, physically and even gramatically.




Perhaps this is nowhere more evident than in the bathroom. You see, the Japanese have developed what is likely the world's greatest toilet. This wonderful device includes a heated seat, a butt washer, a bidet (lady parts washer, for all you single men out there), multiple water flush levels, a deoderizer, a fan, "flushing sounds" (so that your internal orchestra can't be heard), and now... motion sensitive seats!



Adding to the technical achievement is the fact that the toilet is not controlled by any sort of crappy knob system, but rather by a wall mounted control panel (computer bank?).


Check out the sweet graphics for "ass" and what they did to avoid depicting "washing a vagina" in cartoon format.

Oh... and with buttons on the top of the control panel, you can also control different aspects of the seat. Now there's no need to use your foot to lift the seat in a skeezy bar bathroom!!!




/I know I promised not to take any more cell phone videos, but I felt weird enough making "picture" sounds in the stall. I didn't feel the need to cart in a giant camera with a huge telephoto lens.

//.... ha ha... very funny.


Of course, much in the way that your sweet old grandma can talk a lot of crap after a bottle of wine, nothing is perfect. Thus, all is not roses in the land of the Japanese bathroom. The "traditional" (aka "train station") bathroom is somewhat less technical. In fact, it consists of little more than a flushable hole in the floor.



While this hole has the admirable benefit of only needing to be cleaned once every winter, it has some significant drawbacks:

1) You have to squat uncomfortably. No magazine reading for you, mister.

2) If you aren't careful, you might crap on your shoes.

3) Drinking and going to the bathroom takes on a whole new risk level. Avoid it.

4) When you finish your business, it's WAAY more "in-your-face".

5) No more "I got it from the toilet seat, baby", excuses.

6) Did I mention that you can poo on your shoes a lot more easily?

7) You. Might. Poo. On. Your. Shoes.


There is a trick to it, which I will share with all of you non-Japanites (just in case you ever drop by, or need to crap in the woods). Pull your pants down to the lower thigh, rather than all the way down to your ankles. This minimizes the chances that you will have any...complications.

And of course, there is one more dirty little secret to the Japanese bathroom. Take a look at this picture.



Do you notice anything missing? Anything.... hygenic? Like SOAP??

For some reason, soap seems to be quite optional here. To all you people at the Fucked Up Shit Department, I would like to know how you can automate a toilet to the point where it is practically qualified to vote for me in municipal elections, yet miss something as essential as soap?!?!

Maybe if we had Robo-soap.



/For the record, I have never pooed on my shoes, but it remains my greatest Japanese bathroom fear.

Mind over matter...in your pants!

While shopping in Tokyo's equivalent of Wal-Mart, Donki-hote (As I've written before, a horrible butchery of "Don Quixote"), I came across an item of clothing that seems designed to help a man feel more confident about his, well... member.

...er...more confident about his...you know...confidence...I mean...about his salute! Or his... flag staff.

Yes... down there!

AARGH.

THE SIZE OF HIS PENIS.


Ok... now that we're all on the same wavelength, we can start talking about that underwear. Specifically, a very interesting name for the underwear brand. I'm not sure I want to know the ego-crushing story that led some fellow to come up with this name, but I can only suspect that he was stopped at the gate, so to speak. Perhaps after being turned down right after pulling down his pants, our unknown product-designing hero vowed to never be caught with his pants down while his pants were down again.

So, he surely thought to himself.... how could he help build excitement with the ladies???


Well.... naming your underwear appropriately is a good start.



Bonus points for calling "13" a medium.


Now if only they could put a picture of Shaft on this, these underoos would be unstoppable. And they could use the money to launch a whole line of "Mind over matter" products, like "FULL WALLET" jeans or "ROLLS ROYCE OWNER" shirts.



Best bit of trivia: Despite the name of the product, they didn't bother to use a Black Man to pose for the box.

I'd like extra bastard, please

This is a classic, but one of my favourites. Even though I'm horrifically lactose intolerant, I still love this product.


Much like the manufacturers of Deepresso,




...these wonderful folks have taken an English word and slightly modified it. This allows Japanese folk to make the association with the feeling/thing that they want to connect their product to.

Drug companies do this also, by the way.

For example:

Vigour AAAH!---> Viagara

Make Alice Sigh ---> Cialis

Awesome.



Now, imagine that you want to market a creamer for coffee or other hot drinks. You want to make sure that the wonderful Nihonjinsumer makes associations with a word that matches your product.

So, you start with the word "Cream".

Just to make sure there is no confusion, you only change one letter...and you only change it by a few letters in the alphabet. Say... 3 letters further down the alphabet.

m...

n...

o...



p...




Japanese consumer: Sounds delicious!
Native speaker: What the "#%&!& are you selling in that can???!?!?


You see, here in Japan, no one really cares what the actual meaning is. The sound of the product is much more important for promoting sales. Thus, if you associate your product with bad dates and people that grope girls on the train (Creep), no one really cares....as long as it sounds good.

mmmm..... train gropey in my coffee.