Ah, sweet Fuji kyu highlands.... such a wonderful source of amusement. I really have to hand it to those people. They keep the park open all year round! Imagine that! They toss in an ice skating rink, and give you an excuse to wear fun mittens!
Claire says "YEAH!"
After all, you can't really be *truly* amused without a psychedelic Zamboni.
Seriously, they even keep the water rides going! Outdoor water rides and outdoor ice skating, within fifty metres from one another. Ah... the pleasures of sweet double H single O. How I love thee, sweet Two HOs. All the wet fun I can handle.
er...
yeah..
Anyway... back to the wet and wild water ride. How does one deal with the actual "water" part of the water ride?
Easy.
A roof!
Ta da!! Now you can experience the thrill of a huge soaking wave...without the wave part.
Of course, there is some temptation for visitors to get wet. After all, imagine if you wanted to clean your hair in the middle of winter? Wherever would you go?
I don't know about you, but I would certainly plaster my head full of shampoo, then ride butt-naked on the roof of the water ride.
er.... DAMN. You're not allowed to shampoo your blue afro.
They think of everything here.
Lucas makes sure that all passers-by know what's up.
"No hygiene for you! NO. Not yours!"
/yes yes... I know that the shampoo stuff is to keep smelly college students from using the water ride as a 4000/yen per day shower in the summer... but what's the fun in that? It's better to invent my own reality and drag y'all along.
So boys.... have you ever been alone at night, and wished that your hand could turn into a beautiful woman?
Wouldn't that be great?
Fear not, handfantasizers! Japan has you covered, so let your mind wander! Imagine if you could stuff your sexy hand into a hot black corset. Picture her long, golden legs and narrow waist. She would cut a neat figure and turn a healthy calf, methinks. Indeed, much like all those rabbit owning ladies, you'd never *really* need to leave the house.
Well, (ladies and) gentlemen, am happy to announce that this magical handywoman exists!
She works in Shibuya, and she sells CORSETS!!
Truthfully, her surroundings are nowhere near as illustrious as she is, but an ill-fitting corset on a twisted mannequin goes a long way to "level up" the illustriousness of a given neighbourhood.
You can see that day she was holding up a Japanese sign with this guy's photo!
You can see that she was holding up a Japanese photo sign with this guy Dave!
In addition to points for "utility" and "poise", Miss Handywoman's creators also scored highly in the "creepy", "twisted" and "imaginative" categories. Bravo! Here's your little gold stat- ...
....
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Rabbit owning ladies - email me, ask in person, or click this link somewhere OTHER than your office.
Olde-ish English: cut a neat figure - be slim turn a healthy calf - have nice legs. methinks - I think.
I'm a big fan of crazy English, and crazyness in general, so I wanted to share a wonderful "little" place with you.
In what has probably become my favourite bit of town, Sakuragicho, head to the World Porters building. It's about about a 10 minute walk from the station - head towards the giant ferris wheel. Look for the giant building that looks like...uh...this:
The whole building is worth a shop, but I particularly enjoyed the fifth floor, the "Broadway Avenue Floor". Here, you'll find lots of wonderful little crazy shops. Fair warning: most of the clothes in these shops are in Japanese sizes, so bring a fair bit of confidence or a smaller friend if you want to buy anything. Still... it's worth wandering.
After all, you wouldn't want to pass up the chance to see about a fashion store that might as well be called "Slutty Susan".
Loosy Lou not only encourages whoring, but also fails horribly in most of its attempts to be "cheerful", despite liberal use of "YEAH! and fluffy bunnies.
YEAH! See our family to realize As it's all running down! Fill your head all full of lies!!!
The back of the shirt isn't too shabby either, as it also matches fluffy bunnies with soul draining insanity.
Overall, it's a wildly optimistic store.
After all that soul-draining, you might want something to cheer you up. Don't worry. They've got you covered next door...
Golden Jesus lights up your life, you know.
Oh, and if you aren't into gramatically challenged depression or God-kitsch, you can always play mini golf on the roof. The view is fantastic, and 18 holes of crazy fun are only 800 yen.
And...you always know what time it is!
Still, if golf isn't your thing... I guess you could....
Get your ears cleaned?!?! This shop is on the 6th floor of World Porters.... ready with immaculately clean people armed with face masks, q-tips and barbers' chairs. Dave and I were running late, and had no time for even the 1000 yen "basic" cleaning... but if anyone else heads out there before I do, please snag some pics and report back!
Indespensible socks are the best things ever. I do love a good sock, and the Tokyo crowds are far more foot-fashion-forward than most people. Perhaps it's becase the manufacturers don't tend to promote a choice. Here is the text from a sock package I saw near my school.
Well... this is a surprisingly good metaphor. You see, the cops in Japan generally exist to give directions to lost citizens. They are courteous, kind, and generally helpful.
That is, until you look at them crosswise. They have ridiculous powers compared to their western counterparts. For example, the cops can hold you for about 21 days in custody without charging you. Oh yeah, and the courts here have about a 99% conviction rate, so if you are charged with something, the courts tend to belive the cops and toss your ass in jail regardless.
I kind of dismissed this as hearsay, until I heard a story from my dear friend Dave. Apparently, one day he was hanging around in downtown Yokohama. Some biker gang was making waaay too much noise and bothering the locals. After about forty minutes of listening to the bikers ciccle the area at an exceedingly high volume, a single cop came out of the station. He was calmly carrying a very large, very black nightstick. When the bikers came by for their next pass, the cop calmly pulled back his five foot steel rod, and cranked one of those poor fuckers in the head as hard as he could. The guy spun off his bike and flew into a crumpled heap at the side of the road. Seeing this, the cop calmly marched back into his station. The bike gang calmly scaped their shattered comrade off the road, and carried him off for what was presumably medical treatment. The cop never came out, and the gange didn't cause any further shit. Clearly the message was "fuck around if you want, but if I start getting complaints, your ass is mine and there isn't a bloody thing you can do about it.
So...uh... don't ride a loud bike...? That's hella scarier than using the force.
As some of you may know, I am very excited to be heading home for the holidays this Christmas. Toronto is a wonderful city, and there's nowhere I'd rather barbeque a huge steak while standing in a two foot snowdrift.
I plan to eat a lot of turkey, drink a lot of wine with my relatives, and watch the good natured insults fly. I also plan on sharing a lot about my exploits here in Japan, and perhaps the best place to do that would be a venue that is based on a Japanese tradition.
This is no problem, as Toronto is a very multicultural city. Apart from being a scary place during the World Cup, multiculturalism means that wonderful traditions from around the world are available. So, for a long time, I figured that my stories might best be told over a few plates of sushi. This setting might even allow me to employ my rather limited Japanese skills to their best effect, seeing as ordering sushi makes up about 28% of what I do with said skills.
And then, I stumbled upon a far more appropriate venue.
Toronto is opening up it's very own Maid Cafe.
If you are unfamiliar with this idea, it's really quite simple.
1) Open a cafe
2) Staff the cafe with cute, submissive Japanese girls. If no cute, submissive Japanese girls are available, any Japanese girls will do nicely. Actually, just about any girls will do nicely for this, but it's best to preserve some of the traditions...
Here's an example of what to look for:
If you can't find any girls, well... that's why Al Gore invented the Internet.
3) Stuff said cute, submissive girls into French Maid uniforms.
Voila!
4) Now, have your cute, submissive Japanese French maids serve irony soaked food to a healthy combination of fetishists, comedy seekers, lonely men, bottomless tops and tourists.
5) Profit!
If you want to check out the restaurant's website...it's www.imaidcafe.com
Things to note:
1) It's in Scarborough! I used to work there. It's a sketchy part of town.
2) Apparently, Hong Kong and Taiwan are Asian, and are close enough to Japanese food fit the menu. I suppose one doesn't really go to a maid cafe for the food...
3) a) Open up the "Staff" page (same as above). b) Sing "one of these things is not like the others...."
NOTES:
Obviously, maid cafes are not for everyone.
Case 2: That is so sexist, what the hell!?! and Case 3: Your clientelle is mostly female: Staff the cafe with cute, submissive boys. If no cute, submissive boys are available, any submissive boys will do nicely. If you can't find any submissive boys, well, that's what ...well... shit. That's what the stiletto heel beat-downs are for. Head for the bar.
If you still can't find any submissive boys...well, you can always fly over here to Japan. You see, the maid cafes are so successful that their gender counterparts have opened. They're called Butler Cafes, and cute boys are stuffed into butler uniforms. Those cute, submissive Japanese boys will do your bidding without requiring even a small stiletto heal beat down!
Case 4 For the gay and lesbian community: Dominant Females: See "maid cafe". Dominant Males: see "butler cafe". Submissive Males and Females: Um.... employment?
The Japanese Girl I used as an example.
Her name is Yuri Ebihara. She's kind of like the Japanese Paris Hilton...but she doesn't seem so mind bogglingly annoying or foolish (perhaps because I don't speak Japanese? Maybe someone can help me out here...) She became famous for being...well...fashionable...and still more famous for being...well...famous.
She's so famous and fashionable, in fact, that she and another fashionista cum celebrity have just released her own new line of clothes and accessories.
Appropriately, they're calling the new line "F*ing Motesto*
Whether this name comes from "Fucking Modest" (Which they don't seem to be), "Fucking Mo Testosterone" (Which may be part of the reason for their fame) or if they just plain want people to think of "Fucking" and the Motesto part is just for kicks... it will probably still be a huge hit. And by "huge hit", I mean "I'm really looking forward to hearing lots of Japanese people say "F-ING" in department stores all the time."
Final note about Ms. Ebihara.... or "Ebi-chan", as she is commonly known. "Ebi" also means "Shrimp" in Japanese. This coincidence led to a what might be the least believable celebrity endorsement of a seafood-based fast food product that I've ever seen.
/with bonus random Englishesque words on the left hand side.
EDIT: Courtesy of Ed The Cat, here is a video of Ebi hawking Ebi
Ok... I officially like her better than Paris Hilton.
(That's not a huge compliment, mind you. I feel the same way about kicks to the groin... but Shrimp girl does have...uh...stage presence.)
The other day, I was waiting for a friend outside of Shinjuku Station. I noticed that a small crowd had gathered around a strange trailer-like contraption. And by "gathered", I mean "almost entirely ignored".
Still, it is often worth braving public disinterest in the search for randomness.
Fortunately for me, dear reader, and for you, that little contraption happened to be an Air Bag Simulator.
Fortunately, the speed is set to around seven kilometres per hour. Thus, this simulator is only intended to show you what it is like to crash an airbag equipped ride-on lawnmower.
Of course, this is Japan, so a few key things are important.
1) Be sure not to equip the passenger side with an Airbag.
2) Be sure to allow children to come along. Lawsuits? What lawsuits?
I've got a bit of a background in sales, so I know a good sales pitch when I see one. I sometimes even enjoy them. They're kind of like art, but with the goal of inducing a response from the wallet, rather than from the heart.
Bad sales pitches, on the other hand, can be painful. Very bad ones are sometimes even funny.
For example, the owner of this karaoke box is in love with a woman. Not a specific woman, but a general "you" will suffice. In order to convince you (the woman) that he wants to take tender care of you for the rest of your life, he has chosen "killing" as his 'close'.
If the whole Karaoke master thing doesn't pan out, I'm sure he'll have a great career getting arrested for climbing over celebrities' hedges, microphone in hand.
Here is another sales pitch that is a bit too strong.
This fellow likes eating noodles. He also likes kicking you in the face. Here, he's saving a lot of time.
Of all the strong sales pitches in Japan though, there is one group that has set itself apart from all others. Anyone living in Japan knows that people are exposed to a huge amount of advertising here, but I have to say that only one organization has managed to get me to interact with their salespeople on several occasions.
I'll get to the name of the advertiser soon, but I'm willing to bet you've seen them in action if you've spent any time in this city.
Most astonishingly, they have established that I don't speak Japanese all that well, and they have actually started to send me English materials and brochures. This happened after two of their Customer Service Representatives realized that I had no idea what they were saying, they were content to press some English materials into my hand, thank me for my time and let me be. I thought they'd given up, but in almost no time, two English - speaking reps came to make sure I was ok. Amazing!
Despite not having taken advantage of their offers, they actually manage to put English-only material in my mailbox on a semi regular basis. They also keep coming back to try to "close the deal", as they say.
Ok? Any idea which group is so persistent and hardworking?
Give up?
The Mormons
English 911:
Close: The last thing a salesperson says, usually the final push to encourage someone to buy something. eg, "to close the deal".
hedges: Big plants, usually on the edge of someone's property.
glut: like "gluttony", too much, or a huge amount of something.
Tokyo is known around the world for being the centre of Japanese business. As Japanese companies are famous for being on the cutting edge of technology, one could reasonably expect that the Japanese would build a science centre that would suitably inspire visitors with their... sciencey-ness.... er....scienceosity.... erumm.... scientology? no... that's not it....
The Science Museum is located at Kudanshita Station, on the Hanzamon Subway Line. From Exit #2, walk up the street and head over the river on your left. It's quite scenic.
Of course, the Science museum is logically located within what appears to be a traditional castle gate.
YEah... that's what any respectable museum needs. A fort. The museum is in a large garden, in a fort. This is clearly what keeps it from being overrun by screaming masses of scantily clad teenage girls.
er.... don't mind them...they're headed for the nearby concert area.
/a warm welcome to anyone who's just joining us from Google. Sorry, today's post doesn't feature any pictures of "scantily clad teenage girls", but we'll have a girl in a bubble, a relatively hot robot and people riding a lot of things before we're done, so feel free to stick around.
Liquid Nitrogen, Earthquake Machines and a Bubble Girl! Anyway, I'm sure that a lot of people were inspired by the various exhibits. For example, you can watch an official scientist (white lab coat = "official") play with liquid nitrogen in a workshop. You can also learn about various power grids, operate a crane and and even ride a simulator that allows you to experience an earthquake measuring 7 on the Richter scale. All of these things are very interesting, especially the fact that the earthquake simulator allows you to see how the same earthquake feels in a "seismically isolated building" (aka really huge shock absorbers).
They had a machine that let you encase your friends in impenetrable walls of impervious, invincible, unbreakable bubble! Bwa ha ha!
Ride the Skycycle! They also had a very....safe contraption called a "Skycycle". By allowing you to ride back and forth across a room on a bicycle suspended on a cable, the exhibit is designed to make you think about how people balance on their bicycles. It accomplishes this neat trick by first lulling you into a false sense of security on the first half of the trip, then scaring the living crap out of you by being totally out of control on the second half.
You might seem calm and composed...
But really, it feels more like this...
For example, the pedals are directly linked to the rail, and spin whether or not you pedal. This means that you have to either surrender control, or surrender a broken toe!
Let me transcribe this rider's thought here... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
Of course, no medium captures the sheer exhilaration of risking certain discomfort on the deadly padded floor below like.... grainy cell phone video! Go Atsushi!
ROBOTS!
Oh yeah... robots. I almost forgot.
Well, they had a bunch of them. The most memorable was this robot, which perfectly simulated human Customer Service at any major attraction!
1) It doesn't really care what you want. 2) It's really good at ignoring you.
3) Even if it did care, it can't really hear you. (Here the robot says "Sorry...excuse me... one more time please?") 4) But being Japanese and female, it's still impeccably dressed.
A QUEST!
Really, though, I was more interested in finding some sort of meaning or purpose for my lactose intolerant existence.
FEAR NOT, young lactard. The Great and wise muse of science has a great and noble task for you. If you have the strength in your gut, and the power in your spleen, dare you accept....
THE GAS QUEST!!!!
Yes! Yes, wise muse of science! I accept your gassy task!
First, young lactard, go out the front door of this room, then turn left. After that, just ask the man on the throne where you should go.
He will tell you many things, but know that The Gas Quest is far from over! You must journey forth to the ancient source of the Gassyness!
The Methane Monument!
With the mythical cherub of squatty-fart!
Here, you will study various mystic words, such as "Goo" and "Boo" which will help you comprehend the great, silent, deadly mystery.
And let no question of who dealt it, nor who smelt it, stand in your way.
Clench your courage, and then let go of yourself.
Surely, you will feel...... "Enlightenment"!
English help:
Scientology: A cult famous for recruiting Hollywood celebrities like Tom Cruise. They're a bit crazy.
...impenetrable walls of impervious, invincible, unbreakable bubble: All of these words mean "strong" or "unbreakable". A bubble is actually easy to break. ; )
Gas Quest, Just ask the man on the throne: "Throne" is slang for "Toilet". "Gas" is a nice word for "farting".
And let no question of who dealt it, nor who smelt it, stand in your way. In North America, when one kid smelled something gross, and exclaimed "eeeewww!" another child would often reply with the rhyme "You smelt it, you dealt it!", which suggested that the child yelling "eeeewww" was only doing so to cover his own guilt.
"Enlightenment" There is a triple meaning here. 1) when you pass gas/go to the bathroom, you get lighter. 2) the light is making the statue brighter and 3) the light looks like something from heaven, implying spiritual "enlightenment" or wisdom.
During my recent trip to Korea, I had the pleasure to sample some delicious Korean food...
- Korean Barbeque (which might just be called "Barbeque" here),
- The best Bi-bimba I've ever had. A Bi-bimba is a rice dish made with vegetables, meat and a raw egg. It comes served in a stone bowl that's been heated in the oven, which lets you finish the final bit of cooking (ie the raw egg) in the bowl at the table. It's YUMMY, and looks like this:
- A boat load of kimchi, which is super tasty. The Japanese aren't big fans of spicy food, so I don't get to eat a lot of it. (When they say "EXTREMELY SPICY, VERY DANGEROUS" one can expect "has flavour and a detectable hint of pepper")
- This:
That's right. This is a tentacle from a very recently alive Octopus. So recently alive, in fact, that the tentacles haven't gotten the memo about it. So, they squirm, crawl off the plate and stick to things. For example, your tongue and the roof of your mouth. Very odd.... but very delicous.
/another vid, this one with my running commentary/peer pressuring of another teacher.
Oh, and finally, from the "Things I didn't eat because I had nowhere to cook them, but totally would have eaten if I had been given the chance...." department...
Huge two centimetre long insects! These Grubs looked rather strange, but ... I'll eat just about anything.
In fact... there's something about asserting your place at the top of the food chain that validates all of the hard work done by our distant ancestors. So, I'd like to dedicate this post to Thag, Urg, Kills-with-arrows-and-cooks-with-big-freaking-fire, and all of the good folk that paved the way for our culinary dominance. Way to keep killin'!
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go beat my chest, then pee on my apartment so no one else claims it.
I have had two opportunities to see Japanese baseball teams duke it out. Interestingly enough, "Watching Baseball" is yet another thing that the Japanese have managed to elevate to a highly perfected, united, and exceedingly well organized group-experience.
Tokyo Dome
I'd like to briefly recap the improvements that the Japanese have made to the enjoyment of the game.
#1: Cheering
First, Japanese fans are about six times more excited about baseball than your average North American fans. To be honest, I have only seen baseball in a few cities (two?), so my sample size is not that large, but I think I can silence most critics of my generalization with one simple fact:
Each player has their own cheer.
That's right. While getting a "Go Jays Go!" cheer was pretty doable during the world series, or perhaps even a mostly 0n-key chant of a player's last name is ok.... the Japanese fans have managed to create distinct and difficult to follow cheers (including waving gestures and arm-pumping in unison). I couldn't understand what anyone was saying, but I could definitely make out individual sounds. Frankly, in a full stadium, that is pretty darn impressive.
At the Tokyo Giants game, for example, they also gave each person an orange cheering towel. Not the first 400 fans... not people who brought in 29 receipts from Kentucky Fried Chicken. Every single fan who didn't come decked out in the opposing team's colours became the proud owner of a new Giants towel.
Each section of seats, in fact, had its own cheering guy (I would say Cheer-leader, but we'll get to that in a bit.) These guys are in charge of making sure that the whole stadium is perfectly in sync. They wear white gloves and take cues from each other to make sure.
Incredible.
I'm sure if Japanese Baseball Fans wanted to do "the wave", they could probably get it to crest, or perhaps get several of them going in opposite directions. Or maybe they could send a giant team logo around instead of just a bump. Crazy.
Oh yeah... and they have cheerleaders too. I thought I remembered them in Toronto, but an American friend informed me that cheerleaders are rare in American Baseball stadiums. (stadii?)
#2: Convienence.
Much like most baseball stadiums, PET plastic bottles are banned, as they could theoretically be used as projectiles. But cans of beer are ok. Anyway... both stadiums I went to were kind enough to provide large plastic cups that you could pour your soft drinks into.
Oh, and you can bring your own beer and food into the stadium (much like the movie theatre, which is also brilliant).
But, you say.... why would anyone pay stadium beer prices when they can bring in their own beer???
Ah... my friends, the answer is simple.
Girls with neon short shorts and kegs on their backs. Brilliant.
#3: Music
There was a fine improvement to the concept of stadium rock music as well. The improvement wasn't made in a manner than most people would think of. In fact, they decided to remix not two, but rather THREE songs into one riduculous sounding mish - mosh of songs from vastly different times.
We Will Rock You + Hey Ya + We Are The Champions.... together at last!
Culture shock is what happens when you live in a foreign country, and you often become irritated or frustrated by all of the cultural differences. Culture Shock makes people bitter, angry and frustrated. It makes people hate all the little things that make a nation like Japan unique, and it has the potential to put a real damper on your ex-patriot life.
One way to fight Culture Shock is to be hellbent on being more shocking than any given cultural situation.
I have a dirty mind, a sick sense of humour and I firmly believe in eating very strange things to assert my rightful place on the food chain.
Welcome to my little window on Japansanity.
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