Dear Japan,

You know I love you. I have come to care for you very deeply, and you will always remain very special to me. You know, we shared a lot over this past year and a half, and I hate to write you like this, but perhaps its easier for both of us. I put this letter off for a long time, thinking that you would just go away, but I just can't forget you. So I know this might hurt, but I have to say a few things.

You have a lot of good things going for you. Takuya, for example, will always be there for you. He is a wonderful and hilarious man, and he will take good care of making sure that you don't stay out of too much trouble.

You'll always be able to take solace in the Heinan Gardens in Kyoto, which are amazingly beautiful. Try not to let them get too much sun, will you?











The concrete Toriis - ah, they are interesting. One never knows what will happen when you walk through them. This little gate, for example, leads to one of the most controversial religious sites in the entire world! Remember how a single politician's visit sparked controversy across Asia? It sure doesn't look all that controversial from the outside....





Still - I'm so glad I visited these places while we were spending time together. I spend quite a bit of time considering the historical debate that this place ignites among your citizens (quietly, and with respectful aims towards consensus, of course!) and around the world.

Of course, you aren't afraid of public opinion at all, are you? Perhaps that is part of your charm, that you can be so fascinated with cultures from around the world - yet quietly refuse to bow to even the most torrential international pressure.

(Whale restaurant, anyone?)

Also, I have to tell you that you can sometimes drink a bit too much sake. This can bring out bad behaviour in your friends.


Of course, one of the things I like best about you is your beauty. There is something magical about the marks your citizens have made on the earth.


Thousands of years or thousands of pounds of steel and concrets - you've built some amazing things. In fact, some of them are stacked on top of each other!

Of course, no one is perfect. You have a few really serious fetishes that are a bit much.

Neon, for example. Someone needs to find the Tokyo neon sign guy and chain him up. Just for one week of the year. Please?

Furthermore, you have a shoe fetish that makes the entire cast of "Sex in the City" look like sensible women with a small number of comfortable shoes.

You also have that whole semi-porno cartoon thing going on. Which is cool and all - we all have our private lives - but do you really have to advertise it (and READ it) on the train?



Especially when any self-respecting businessman can so easily blow a week's salary at a hostess bar that provides ACTUAL, live, giggling girls that pour his drinks for him? I mean, you have about ten near every train station, so maybe you could open up a cartoon-porn-reading nook or something? What's that? You have those and they're called "comic book stores?".

Oh well. At least the hostess clubs believe in truthful advertising.

And you take care of them, too! You even have a place for those well paid hostesses to unwind over drinks poured by pretty boys with 70 000 yen haircuts.



So, you know that I love you, Japan. But, as with any pile of sashimi, stack of 1000 yen notes or year and a half of international adventure, all things must eventually come to a close. My time with you has been wonderful, educational, shocking (for both of us, I suppose) and more interesting than I ever hoped it could have been.

I learned several new languages (spoken Japanese, written Japanese, drunken businessman Japanese), made many new friends, and learned an entirely new set of cultural cues. (bow-lock anybody?)

Still, I had to leave you.

Why? Well, I found someone else, you see. Yes, I did know her all along, but now things are getting serious, and you just can't come between us any more.

Cheesy, silly, ridiculous love. You offered a life of adventure, Japan, but at the end of the day I'm going to come home instead. This love is good stuff – I suggest you try it some time. I’ll let you know how the whole marriage thing works out too– most likley with fewer offensive videos.

Anyway, I just wanted to write and let you know that I'm doing well. I'm sure you've got lots of boys that will give you the attention you crave.

I'll think of you often, I promise. Don't worry about me. I'll find some new adventures.

Tokyo, I'll miss ya. Don't offend too many people without me.

I took one last picture of you, from the bus on the way to the airport. I hope you don't mind.

PS: Write back soon.

Antique Junk Japanese Disco Thumb War

While the title of this post may seem like total nonsense, it accurately describes a night out in the lovely bedroom community of Noborito.

Widely known as a good place to change lanes, Noborito is in fact a rather heady hotbead of random insanity. It's a place with gusto, character and just a hint of attitude. Translation: it's dirty, but it can be lots of fun.

Take this shop for example.



During the day, the Antique and Junk is a lovely place to buy old furniture at somewhat hefty prices. I appreciate the little bit of guesswork involved in sorting the Antiques from the Junk, but I guess that's the essential fun of Antique shopping anyway. At least this place is honest about the fact that 90% of the stuff you'd buy there would be worthless to 90% of the people to whom you'd show it.

Of course, perhaps from the owners of the establishment started by renaming some of their old junk "antiques" and making a killing. This killing allowed them to open the business of their dreams.

Fast forward to dusk, and you might find that the owners of this lovely establishment had slightly different dreams than your average Antique shop proprietor.

The elderly lady behind the cash register heads off for the night. At some point, someone brings in the larger merchandise that spends the day outside, safe under the protection of a heavy coat of dust. The furniture will make an excellent coat rack for the patrons that frequent the Antique & Junk during the evening time. Presumably, a few regular customers start drifting in, and the place goes through a transformation that might be unique in all of the world.

In fact, this change demonstrates might be the only way to tell the difference between the Antiques and the Junk:


Come on back and get trashed!

You see, the things they really value have been put away carefully, somewhere safe them from the wrath of wild, sake-fueled gesturing. After sunset, the Antique and Junk is no more. With a slight change to just about everything except the address, the very same store is happy to play host to a cadre of crazy people.


...host to crazy people that are allowed to drink next to a massive shelf filled with Antiques, that is! Fear not, dear reader, the "wa" was not disturbed for the upstanding customers at the Antique and Junk.


Indeed, it's quite an experience, one that's made even better by the people who are actually AT the bar. The Shop Master, for one, is friendly and welcoming. He also speaks the English that you learn from drinking, rather than the type you learn in a classroom.


"Hey Dudes!! Take it easy, eh? Do you know Phil??"


The atmosphere is made interesting by bright lights, western music (eg, rock, disco, etc) and exceedingly friendly regular customers.



Within 20 minutes, the fellow on the left had

1) Decided we were his best friends ever.

2) Purchased a round of drinks.

3) Shaken my hand in the traditional grip 14 times.

4) Shaken my hand with two handed "special care grip" 9 times.

5) Gotten involved in a massive thumb battle, and encouraged everyone else to do the same.


ER... So, let's see if you were paying attention, as we now have all the ingredients listed in the title.

...

DRUNKEN JAPANESE DISCO THUMB WAR IN AN ANTIQUE SHOP!!!

Good Geisha, Scary Geisha

Geishas are one of the wonderful stereotypes of Japanese mythology. Recently, I've had a chance to enjoy some exciting times with some very different Geishas.

For example, "The Geisha" at Fujiyu highland. She is both a good Geisha, and a very, very naughty Geisha. You know... the slutty kind that tie their kimonos in the front.


I first saw this rolling monstrosity of a Japanese lady some time back, while she was still in her Maiko (apprentice/training/construction) phase.




At the time, I had no idea where the bloody train would go on a loop that seemed to leave no way for the train not to violently throw people out of the cars....



Ah.... this is where "the brilliance" comes in. I say "the brilliance" because these folk have taken the whole "suspended" roller coaster to a whole new level. In fact, this crazy girl flips you upside down FOURTEEN TIMES!

How? Well, by mounting the cars on the side of the tracks, rather than on top or below, the chairs are freed to spin in any direction. To keep you from being blasted out of your seatbelt while facing the wrong way on a loop-de-loop, the coaster rides on two sets of tracks. The distance between the two sets controls the angle of the cars.





Yeah.... it's pretty incredible.



Genius.





Oh, and did I mention the coaster also features a ninety degree drop?



...

One that you do FACE FIRST.




But you don't need to take my word about how much fun the ride is. You see, I was sure to have a handy fun-o-meter handy: A friend with big hair.



In other words, "Big" Fun.

She's a Good Geisha, but also a scary Geisha.

Right team?



YEAH!!!



Bonus points if you spotted the fact that someone went missing from the "YEAH" pose.


I suppose you feel pretty bad about opening up a post about Geishas and getting something about roller coasters.


Hmmm... maybe some off kilter English






Still not satisfied, are you?



Stay tuned.

Props make the party

You can go ahead and file this post under

1) Reasons I don't share this address with my students

2) Shenanigans

3) Pictures my friends will kill me for posting.

4) Bwahahahaaaa!!!


So, last weekend there was a wee bash. As with any good bash, it was designed around creating the maximum number of possible reasons for people to come out and act crazy. These reasons included a Birthday Party (David's), a Saturday night, A Pyjama Party, and a Playboy Theme!

These last two themes are particularly liberating. Much like Halloween, Oktoberfest and University, they let people dress up in astoundingly foolish (...skanky?) clothing while assuming minimal personal responsibility for any photographic evidence that might appear on one blog or another.

A great many costumes, props and other shenaniganery were acquired, worn, and as rumour has it, removed by various gropey fingers. (you bad, bad people).

Anyway, without further ado, I would like to present some highlights from the First Bi-Annual Chateau John PJ party dress-like-a-crazy-person-at-night party.

Or...


Fun things that start with "B":

Balloons, Boys, Bathrobes, Boisterousness.


Bravo! Honourable "B" mention: Beards!



Ben!


Ben + Girl = Happy Ben.

Bear suits!


Yoko pulls off the pink bear suit better than I've ever seen a pink...bear...suit...pulled?


Boredom?


Oh... shit... there's one other thing...

umm...

BIG BOUNCY BOOBIES!!!


eYAH!! big, bold, beautiful bouncy breasts ROCK! (Especially FAKE breasts...on...Brent?)

Why?


Well...the boys paid extra attention to me...




...and the girls were jealous of me...




Heck, I even got to share my back pain with my sistahs.





There was a downside though, as some strange guy kept trying to do strange things to my breasts!!!


/at first it was strange, but eventually I liked it...


Ah... who are we kidding. There's only one thing that brings the boys out time and time again. It even starts with a "B".


BISEXUAL TENDENCIES!!!

(aka...lipstick lesbians!!)











Lucy wins for enjoying it the most!!!




Triva: How many drinks do you think I consumed at this party?

a) 0: Drive-home-sober.

b) 1-5 Standard drinks, responsibleish for a party..

c) 6-10...er...ish...whee!!!hooo!!!

d) Way too many to count, so much so that I went crazy and ran around with fake breasts.



Place your bets?

And the answer was...

"a"!


That's right folks... I was high on life, lemon juice and the ego trip that comes from being the 'biggest' girl in the room.

... that was...until another guy showed up with another set from the same...er...shop.

Bitch.



English help:

Boisterousness: acting in a rowdy or childish manner. Being very active, or too full of energy. Like small boys.

lipstick lesbians: girls that will kiss other girls, but little else. Often used to refer to girls that touch each other at the urging of (or to cause urges among) boys.

Winter Water Wonder

Ah, sweet Fuji kyu highlands.... such a wonderful source of amusement. I really have to hand it to those people. They keep the park open all year round! Imagine that! They toss in an ice skating rink, and give you an excuse to wear fun mittens!


Claire says "YEAH!"




After all, you can't really be *truly* amused without a psychedelic Zamboni.



Seriously, they even keep the water rides going! Outdoor water rides and outdoor ice skating, within fifty metres from one another. Ah... the pleasures of sweet double H single O. How I love thee, sweet Two HOs. All the wet fun I can handle.




er...



yeah..

Anyway... back to the wet and wild water ride. How does one deal with the actual "water" part of the water ride?

Easy.



A roof!



Ta da!! Now you can experience the thrill of a huge soaking wave...without the wave part.



Of course, there is some temptation for visitors to get wet. After all, imagine if you wanted to clean your hair in the middle of winter? Wherever would you go?

I don't know about you, but I would certainly plaster my head full of shampoo, then ride butt-naked on the roof of the water ride.


er.... DAMN. You're not allowed to shampoo your blue afro.



They think of everything here.


Lucas makes sure that all passers-by know what's up.



"No hygiene for you! NO. Not yours!"



/yes yes... I know that the shampoo stuff is to keep smelly college students from using the water ride as a 4000/yen per day shower in the summer... but what's the fun in that? It's better to invent my own reality and drag y'all along.