Cultural Dichotomy Simplified

Many important cultural developments have come from Japan over its thousands of years of history. Many scholars who spend their entire lives trying to dissect the complex interplay between tradition, technology and social duty that forms the basic fabric of Japanese society. I am not one of these people, so I happen to enjoy reducing this culture to simple categories. Let's call them “Good” and “Evil”.

Let’s do some of that categorization, shall we?

Good: Samurai
Evil: Ninjas

Good: Nintendo Wii
Evil: Sony DRM

Good: Sushi
Evil: Natto

Good: Tokyo Transit System
Evil: Tokyo Transit System during rush hour.

Good: Japanese TV as Entertainment
Evil: Japanese TV as Education

Good: Attitude towards Foreigners in a bar
Evil: Attitude towards Foreigners on a train

Good: Japanese Sizes, as an observer.
Evil: Japanese Sizes, as a shopper.

Good: Eating Ramen
Evil: Digesting Ramen



I’m sure you can think of lots more. Feel free to post them.

Kyoto - Japanese Moms & Plationic Nudity

One of the side effects to having a lot of adventures is that sometimes the experiences are so jam-packed into a given set of days that the actual recording of them falls into an awful void that I like to call “notes”. Notes are wonderful, and they help you recall the experience, but they still don't provide very good entertainment value for your non-paying but greatly appreciated audience. And, dear audience, you are indeed appreciated. I enjoy crazy adventures, and I enjoy the idea that I can bring a bit of joy into YOUR life.

In any case, I've resolved to steel my resolve, and start putting down all the things I shoulda-woulda-coulda recorded, because it’s been one crazy month. The path has been wild and exciting, and I'm a new man now. You’ll all have to treat it like cable TV though. I've shot the episodes, and several members of the cast know the ending already, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t sit back and enjoy some more of the merry adventures of the Merry Man in Japan.

Without further ado, I present….


A Kyoto Tale, part 1: Japanese Mom(s)


The Setup

Kyoto is arguably one of the most important and interesting places in all of Japan. Not only do they say “osaki-ni” instead of “arigatou gozaimasu” (“thank you”), it happens to also be the famous for a climate change accord, as well as the presence of some, uh…. history. In fact, Kyoto is home to so many cultural treasures that a trip there regularly forces you to ignore several thousand-year-old shrines and as you head for other, more famous thousand-year-old shrines. All in all, it’s an incredible place.

During my various travels, I have definitely come to appreciate the common sense wisdom of “local advice”. People who live in an area are obviously able to point out the little things that make your trip worthwhile. Unfortunately, the locals live...well... at the place to which you are headed. This makes it rather more difficult to randomly run into them as you are planning said trip. This, of course, leaves the next best thing: someone who has been there a whole whack of times.

This leads me to address one of the best things about teaching: the fact that you get to meet a large number of rather wonderful people, all with different interests and experiences. I have several students who have lived long and interesting lives, which means they have a lot of advice to give about everything from child rearing to restaurant choice. One of my students is particularly fond of both dinner parties and the city of Kyoto – two areas of expertise in which she has been quite kind in sharing with me and with my fellow teachers.

Naturally, when it came time to head up to Kyoto, I asked her for some advice. She told me that she would think about it, and then asked me some basic questions (e.g., Did I want to do things as cheaply as possible or was I open to spending a bit more? How many people were going? Did I want to stay in a traditional place? How many days and nights? Are you going to be crazy culturally menacing foreigners? Please don't burn down our cultural heritage....Pretty please?).

It is a strange brew indeed – a combination of national pride, earnest desire to help someone in need, and genuine interest in the subject – but some of my students would go to extraordinary lengths to do things for their teacher (er, me!). I don't want to speculate on the effort involved, but two weeks later this particular student waltzed into class hefting a large folder and a larger smile. Opening it up with a grin, she revealed what amounted to a 1200-picture worthy, three point five day fully guided tour of the historical capital of Japan. She had information packages, maps, sightseeing notes and guidebooks – all of it furiously highlighted and bilingually annotated.

Getting there

To get us there, she'd found and booked the luxury “Night Dream” bus, which sported extra wide, super reclining seats three abreast – perfect for large 南蛮人 (barbarian/foreigner) butts. If you are ever planning a long distance trip, such as the Tokyo-Kyoto route, and you don’t want to travel on the painful regular bus (5000 yen), but save money over the新幹線Shinkansen (12000 yen), the “Night Dream” buses (8700) are a wonderful compromise. I even managed to refrain from stealing the very comfortable JR slippers and JR blankets that we were thoughtfully provided with.

Upon arrival, we managed to find our way to the Matsuihonkan – the Ryokan (traditional Japanese Hotel) that my pseudo-mother managed to book for us. We were served some delightful tea in the lobby, and given some snazzy chocolates to enjoy while they checked our bags for the day. I strongly recommend this place if you are planning to stay in Kyoto – mainly because the female staff are another group of excessively helpful mother-esque people.

There are a few places in the world that always exhibit the utmost concern for the customer. North Americans might find top notch service at their favourite restaurants or at an upscale men’s tailor, but it’s really hard to comprehend the level of service that the Japanese afford to their guests. In fact, the words “guest”, “customer” and “client” all have the same translation in Japanese. The customer is a “guest”, and is treated as such. A good Ryokan is the pinnacle of this service. To boot: Your room is served by 3 (THREE!) maids.

“It’s like having a Japanese Mom for a day.”



Dave was nearly correct when he pointed this out. You see, “maid” might be a bit of a misrepresentation of the staff, as you never actually have to tell them to do anything. Instead, they take care of everything you might want, and then some. They are kind of like Moms, that is if your Mom never told you to clean your room, but instead did it for you with a waaaay bigger smile than any Mom ever had while picking up someone else’s crap.



We’ll call them Mom #2, #3 and #4 respectively. (#1 being my student.)

After we arrived, Mom #2 and Mom #3 led us to our room and made sure that it was stocked with sweets and a fresh order of delicious tea. They laid out traditional Japanese Robes, and pointed out useful things like towels, the bathroom, comfy robes, and the window (helpful!)



They also sneakily grabbed our shoes out of the entrance room and CLEANED them.

I was a huge fan of Mom #4 (not pictured above), because she spoke English reasonably well. By "reasonably", I mean she could definitely fulfill all of the duties of a Ryokan maid in English, but her intonation left something bit lacking: She seemed to be unable to form the intonation for a question - all of her sentences ended up sounding more like orders.

"I'LL BRING YOUR DINNER UP AT FOUR, WON'T I!!!"

"YOU WANT A WAKE UP CALL!."

"I WILL NOW PREPARE YOUR BEDS. BE COMFORTABLE.".


Later on they brought a glorious feast, which fulfills the evil, secret purpose of the Ryokan: to generate as many dirty dishes as possible. To this end, they serve a wonderful spread of delicious food on so many little plates that they need several trays per person to bring them all in.

Pictures speak louder than words, I believe.



We definitely showed suitable respect for the effort put into dishware variety.





Every hotel needs a Sento.

After dinner, a trip down to the Sento is essential. A Sento is a communal Japanese Bath, spiritually similar to the natural hotsprings (Onsens). A sento doesn’t have naturally heated mineral water, but it’s still incredibly relaxing. To those of you who are unfamiliar, it’s basically like a giant public bathtub surrounded by sitting showers. The sitting-shower took some time to get used to at first, but after you’ve come to terms, you realize that you can clean certain things better if you can reach them (for example FEET, you filthy people). After scrubbing yourself, you jump into a super hot bath, and you can engage in pleasant semi drunken late night philosophy. After all, few things build rapport like mutual nudity and intellectual interest. I know Plato would have loved it.

I couldn't really take a camera into the bath, as that would have destroyed but I can certainly show you how relaxed one feels AFTER consuming booze, soaking in a hot tub, and retiring to bed in a lovely yukata/robe...



Up next: choosing the best 1000 year old shrine complex.


Japanese Notes: 南蛮人 “Nambanjin”... literally “southern barbarian”. This is my favourite Edo era word for foreigners. 外人 (Gaijin) is actually somewhat offensive, and 外国人 (Gaikokujin) is nowhere near as funny.

Ancient History: All Your Base

First, let me set the scene with a few short pictures.

A picture story, if you will.


1) You know already that this won't end well.



2) Modus Operandi (It's Latin -> definition)


3) One of these things is not like the others.... one of these things just isn't the same...


4) You Have No Chance. Make Your Time.


5) What You Say?



What possessed me to plant an internet reference on the roof of this building, you ask?

Well, apart from suitably honouring what might be the greatest engrish translation ever to grace a 16 bit game console, I think it is important to preserve ancient cultural treasures. As such, I am entirely willing to part with some of my hard earned cash if I know it's going for a good cause, such as maintaining the roof. On the other hand, the definition of "ancient" works differently on the internet. On the net, "ancient" is about 1997. So, I thought it was important to preserve some ancient internet history in a place that has cultural relevance in the real world.

Yeah.

Moral High Ground.

I just claimed it to justify quoting a video game on a tile for a temple with a 1300 year history.


/hey. We paid, ok?
----------------------------------------------------


Anyway, if you aren't familiar with "All Your Base Are Belong To Us", it is a quote taken from an old Sega Genesis Video Game called "Zero Wing". I remember this from the days when the internet first started out as a place where a bunch of guys got their jollies by pretending to be girls in dirty chat rooms. It was one of the first internet phenomena, and the infamous phrase was inserted into a huge number of images made famous by various forwards. These images are all a little dated, but I don't doubt that you'll recognize many of them.

Throw in a nice techno sound track and you have a bit of internet history. One that now graces the roof of a famous historical building.

Enjoy.

Antique Junk Japanese Disco Thumb War

While the title of this post may seem like total nonsense, it accurately describes a night out in the lovely bedroom community of Noborito.

Widely known as a good place to change lanes, Noborito is in fact a rather heady hotbead of random insanity. It's a place with gusto, character and just a hint of attitude. Translation: it's dirty, but it can be lots of fun.

Take this shop for example.



During the day, the Antique and Junk is a lovely place to buy old furniture at somewhat hefty prices. I appreciate the little bit of guesswork involved in sorting the Antiques from the Junk, but I guess that's the essential fun of Antique shopping anyway. At least this place is honest about the fact that 90% of the stuff you'd buy there would be worthless to 90% of the people to whom you'd show it.

Of course, perhaps from the owners of the establishment started by renaming some of their old junk "antiques" and making a killing. This killing allowed them to open the business of their dreams.

Fast forward to dusk, and you might find that the owners of this lovely establishment had slightly different dreams than your average Antique shop proprietor.

The elderly lady behind the cash register heads off for the night. At some point, someone brings in the larger merchandise that spends the day outside, safe under the protection of a heavy coat of dust. The furniture will make an excellent coat rack for the patrons that frequent the Antique & Junk during the evening time. Presumably, a few regular customers start drifting in, and the place goes through a transformation that might be unique in all of the world.

In fact, this change demonstrates might be the only way to tell the difference between the Antiques and the Junk:


Come on back and get trashed!

You see, the things they really value have been put away carefully, somewhere safe them from the wrath of wild, sake-fueled gesturing. After sunset, the Antique and Junk is no more. With a slight change to just about everything except the address, the very same store is happy to play host to a cadre of crazy people.


...host to crazy people that are allowed to drink next to a massive shelf filled with Antiques, that is! Fear not, dear reader, the "wa" was not disturbed for the upstanding customers at the Antique and Junk.


Indeed, it's quite an experience, one that's made even better by the people who are actually AT the bar. The Shop Master, for one, is friendly and welcoming. He also speaks the English that you learn from drinking, rather than the type you learn in a classroom.


"Hey Dudes!! Take it easy, eh? Do you know Phil??"


The atmosphere is made interesting by bright lights, western music (eg, rock, disco, etc) and exceedingly friendly regular customers.



Within 20 minutes, the fellow on the left had

1) Decided we were his best friends ever.

2) Purchased a round of drinks.

3) Shaken my hand in the traditional grip 14 times.

4) Shaken my hand with two handed "special care grip" 9 times.

5) Gotten involved in a massive thumb battle, and encouraged everyone else to do the same.


ER... So, let's see if you were paying attention, as we now have all the ingredients listed in the title.

...

DRUNKEN JAPANESE DISCO THUMB WAR IN AN ANTIQUE SHOP!!!

Troublesome Torii

This Torii stands guard over a troublesome spot. It's a place of contradictions and problems. History, politics and a nation that sometimes doesn't know what to think about itself.

Let's Horror: A video montage

These days, most people know that the Japanese have a knack for horror. I suspect that this was a somewhat less publicized around the world a few years ago, before "The Ring" scared the crap out of everyone. I've never seen the Japanese original, but I don't doubt that it's far, far scarier than the Western copy.

Why? Well, after visiting a few haunted houses and such here, I've realized that the average Japanese person is far better at BEING scared. The reaction is very visceral, and people feel no qualms about screaming, squealing, bouncing and fleeing bodily from danger. And those are just the men.

That kind of reaction to horror has got to be some serious positive reinforcement for the average horror film maker.

Want proof?

I went to a haunted house recently, and thought it would be fun to video tape my friends' exit from the haunted house. Unfortunately, all you can hear before people run out of the exit is a lot of screaming in total, abject terror. So, I kept the camera on, and I'm glad that I did.

As such, I am proud to present to you "Low Budget Video Montage of Frightened Japanese People, Vol. 1".






Of course, it's only fair to present the final verdict, courtesy of dear Emily Sensei.




Nice.


Background:

During a trip through this haunted house, each group is given a flashlight. Being able to look around with just a single light for three people is bloody scary. Especially when your flashlight dies, as one group's did. The house is full of gory scenes and various actors dressed up like zombies. They sneak up on you through various trap doors and false walls. They creep up behind you, come out from under beds. Trust me, it is scary as SHIT.

Amusing anecdote:

Some of our heroes were making their way carefully through a fearful dungeon of horror. The light on their flashlight, dim to start, slowly trailed off into nothing. Using their cell phones to light the way, they crept through the bloody rooms. Suddenly, a ghost jumped out at them! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!", said one girl. Slowly, the ghost put a hand into his bloody jacket, and pulled out....

A REPLACEMENT FLASHLIGHT!

Handing it over, the ghost bowed twice and faded back into the darkness.

Sigh... only in Japan.

Garbage Can Etiquette

Garbage cans in Japan have a certain etiquette, or set of manners, that you need to follow. For example, one important social custom is: Please place the garbage in the can.

Now, a garbage bin I saw relayed the background for why we do this, but I can't quite figure out whether the reasoning is...

Please do not eat the garbage, as this is why we have provided the can.

or

Please dispose of your garbage here. If you leave it out, wild crazy people with two teeth will come and eat it during the night.




The garbage cans are also quick to offer tips on the proper method of disposal.



The one on the right means:
Look chump, you are not Zidane, Ronaldo, or even David Beckham. Maybe you played little league football/soccer, and you were a hero to tens of your immediate family members, but you do not (repeat: *YOU DO NOT*) have the necessary talent to kick your garbage through this little hole. So, just drop it in nicely, ok??? Good. Now get over to the Squid-On-A-Stick stand and spend some freakin' money.

or maybe it's "Don't kick the garbage".

It's one of those. But in either case, you are encouraged to break wind with impunity.



Garbage cans also have guidelines for which sporting events are considered appropriate. For instance, this can symbolizes the fifth hole of the International One-Armed-Persons Nippon Trash Bash Open.



Mostly, I want to know where I can get a physics-defying golf club that launches garbage in the direction OPPOSITE the one I swing. Imagine how much fun you could have at the driving range freaking out the people behind you.

Excuse me.... Excuse ME! DON'T SWING TOWARDS US!!! AAAA!!! .... 400 yards? What?

In my limited Japanese:

すめません。。。　　すみません！！！　　　だめ！！　　だめ！！　　ヤダ！！　　ばか外人！！　ああああああああ！！！　... ４００ｍ？　なに？





Finally, we can end with a Pop Quiz:

Which of the following things should you do with a sleeping (dead) raven in the park?

A: Put it near the trash.

B: Wrap it up all nicely. Be sure to give it a pillow.

C: Dress it up, with a necklace and whatnot.

D: Make a birdie burrito.

E: Give it a birdie toupee.


Answer: All of the above.






Optional for foreigners only:
E: Golf the shit out of it, then kick it into the mouth of a wild, crazy person with only two teeth.



To be continued....



-----------------------------------------------

English help:

Etiquette: Manners

Little league: kids league

tens of your family members: not very many people

break wind: fart/pass gas

with impunity: without worrying about punishment.

launches garbage in the direction OPPOSITE the one I swing: hits garbage backwards

burrito: mexican food, it comes in a tortilla shell.

toupee: fake hair

Golf the shit out of it: (Verb) the shit out of it - do something really forcefully.

Tentacles: A Cultural Legacy

One of the most interesting facts about living in Japan is things that might have seemed strange to you once upon a time suddenly become commonplace. Things like having enough confidence in your grocer to buy raw fish and eat it without any sort of "cooking" crap. Or getting on a train butt-first, because that's the only way to make room for yourself...or even coffee misnomers.



(er... how can it be straight, and still have milk?)


Perhaps the strangest thing I've gotten used to out here is the prevalance of tentacles. Seriously... becoming comforable with tentacles as a lifestyle choice has been a big thing for me.

For example: I didn't deem anything here out of the ordinary the first few times I walked by this shop:



Seriously... take another look at these delicious snacks...



Corn Dogs, Corn, and Squid-On-A-Stick.


I smiled a bit, but didn't think squid-on-a-stick strange enough to actually buy one.


Oh Japan. You and your crazy tentacles have way too much fun. Ever since that Katsushika Hokusai guy back in the Edo era went on a crazy creative trip and laid the seeds for so much modern edu-tainment. Not only did he give us cultural treasures like "36 views of Mt. Fuji", but he also invented the word "manga" and painted the worlds' first "fisherwoman-tentacle-porn-threesome", over 200 years ago!



...


I'm not making this up.






PS: This is a censored version. If you want to see the *real* deal, and the history of this image, in all it's tentacley, 1820s grandeur... click here.

Compotabilty Conspiracy? Let's Go Down!

Ever since a friend of mine spent 2000 yen trying to win an "English Dictionaly" from a UFO catcher, I have admitted the possibility that the writers of some of the hystierical Engrish around me are laughing too. Are we simply falling victim to a massive linguistic conspiracy? Perhaps I am being totally outsmarted by people who might not know how to form a fully correct English sentence, but who certainly know how to form a highly amusing *incorrect* sentence.

Take this video game console for example:



A friend spotted it in Daiei, and you'd better believe that a few thousand yen loosened themselves in my wallet in preparation to fight for this linguistic treasure. Imagine it: a video game console that manages to be inclusive (EVERYBODY!!), instead of judgemental and mocking because you suck at dodgeball. (ahem)... AND....wonderful chance.... EVERYBODY GETS OFF! Ah, geekdom! They've even thrown in an incorrect "Let's" to seal the deal! Rejoice, for your salvation is only a few thousand yen of UFO clawing power away...

Oh! Glorious Temptationing!

(shakes self off...)

So, you see how a well placed "Get off" can make a product so much more desirable to the English consumer.

And then... much like the oft-clutched-at prize, this idea slips between my inept, underpowered mechanical fingers. Assuming that there is a language conspiracy is pretty freaking self-centered.

I honestly feel that marketers simply don't care. They phrase things in ways that they know the Japanese consumer will understand (eg 95% of the market), rather than trying to sneakily con the other 5% (is it even that high?). I don't deny that a few savvy marketers have probably managed to kill those two very different sized birds with a few well placed dirty double entendres, but I have to believe that this is the exception, not the norm.

To boot, my belief in a hyperliterate english-abusing Japanese marketing elite "takes blow" (A!! A!!) every time I teach a lesson on "Phrasal Verbs"
that goes horribly, horribly wrong.


"The other day, I ate out my parents!" (ate out WITH!)

"I came into Masa yesterday" (RAN into!)

Adam Sensei: Come on Keiko! Come on Keiko! Let's go!!!
4 year old Keiko: Come on...me? (GAK!!!)




And... besides.... those UFO prizes are all made in China.

... those guys LOVE a good conspiracy!

And then there was one....

Shortly after my arrival in Japan, a friend tried to prepare me for the cultural differences that are inherent in food (er, "scare the shit out of me") by describing various fanciful and different foods that seem strange to the Western palette. For example, he described how sushi could be pulled still-wriggling from the tank and killed in front of you.

"Yum", I responded at the time, and stand by that assessment after eating said wriggling fish numerous times. My friend proceeded to describe natto (fermented soy beans), taco (octopus), basashi (raw horse meat) and finally suzume (fried sparrows). I've managed to find and consume all of these things during my travels, with the notable exception of the sparrows.

Now, this isn't like eating a chicken, where the meat has been nicely chopped up so as not to resemble a live bird. Sparrows, as you may appreciate, are somewhat smaller. Thus, the easy solution is to skip the whole "chopping" crap, and just spear the suckers on sticks and roast them whole.

Interesting... to say the least. So, I've kept my eye out for them, but my Japanese reading skills aren't quite up to spec yet - without appetizing pictures, I am sometimes not all that sure what I am ordering. Mind you, this plan hasn't steered me wrong very many times.

-------

Fast forward to Saturday night at Hanbey, the basement Shibuya Izakaya that looks like 1950s Japan, and serves everything at 1950s Japan prices (grand total for a huge dinner for seven and three rounds of drinks: 16 000 yen ($160, or about $20 per person). This place is especially fun if you enjoy a few rounds of deep fried everything.




Of course, to compliment this, we were also imbibing a bunch of delicious shochu. Shochu, of course, is a rice or potato based drink that comes with the best designed glass EVER.



I touched on this some time ago, but I still love the system. The glass is served inside a small box. The glass is then filled past overflowing, until the liquor fills up the box as well. Then, as you drink it, any slop that spills out of the glass splashes into the box. You then simply pull the glass out of the box, and pour the box-booze into the glass, and quickly make it belly booze. Genius.

Here, you see our waitress pouring shochu into our eager glasses and boxes.



Be sure to note the amused grin on her face. This picture was taken immediately *after* I made a fateful request.

"Five of what you recommend, please!" (あなたのおすすめを五つお願いします！）


Suddenly, amid some fanfare and laughter from the wait-staff, five very small, very ugly looking bird carcasses appeared. I say "carcasses", because sparrows are generally cute. These looked more like shriveled up zombie-bird skeletons, covered in some sort of demon sauce. I never hesitated on the still-moving fish, or even the scorpion, but suzume are not an appetizing thing.

Especially when it seems to gaze back at you from the skewer.


See?

They taste something like what I imagine zombie birds to taste like too, if they were properly prepared. They weren't all that bad... mainly they were really quite crunchy (a whole skeleton and a beak will do that), but also surprisingly rather bitter. I thought the sauce was the bitter bit, but one of my dining companions informed me that the sauce was actually sweet, and was there to cover some of the bitterness of these skewered swallows. Man, those were some pissed off, bitter birds.

I wonder why they're so bitter. Maybe all the other birds have huge expectations in when they find out what kind of bird the Swallow is. "You're a cute bird, baby... wait... *you're* the *Swallow* bird??? Awesome. Let me give you my number... and you can drop by my nest any time..."


Anyway... I guess I can honestly say that suzume were actually a bit of a bump for me. I had to chase them with a skewer of tentacles to get the taste out of my mouth.



And the "one" food remaining? Why... "fugu" of course. The food that can actually kill you. Of course, I'll certainly take suggestions for other strange things to eat.

Potty Minded

Some of the greatest things about this country are the juxtapositions. Things are connected here in ways that they were never intended to be - socially, physically and even gramatically.




Perhaps this is nowhere more evident than in the bathroom. You see, the Japanese have developed what is likely the world's greatest toilet. This wonderful device includes a heated seat, a butt washer, a bidet (lady parts washer, for all you single men out there), multiple water flush levels, a deoderizer, a fan, "flushing sounds" (so that your internal orchestra can't be heard), and now... motion sensitive seats!



Adding to the technical achievement is the fact that the toilet is not controlled by any sort of crappy knob system, but rather by a wall mounted control panel (computer bank?).


Check out the sweet graphics for "ass" and what they did to avoid depicting "washing a vagina" in cartoon format.

Oh... and with buttons on the top of the control panel, you can also control different aspects of the seat. Now there's no need to use your foot to lift the seat in a skeezy bar bathroom!!!




/I know I promised not to take any more cell phone videos, but I felt weird enough making "picture" sounds in the stall. I didn't feel the need to cart in a giant camera with a huge telephoto lens.

//.... ha ha... very funny.


Of course, much in the way that your sweet old grandma can talk a lot of crap after a bottle of wine, nothing is perfect. Thus, all is not roses in the land of the Japanese bathroom. The "traditional" (aka "train station") bathroom is somewhat less technical. In fact, it consists of little more than a flushable hole in the floor.



While this hole has the admirable benefit of only needing to be cleaned once every winter, it has some significant drawbacks:

1) You have to squat uncomfortably. No magazine reading for you, mister.

2) If you aren't careful, you might crap on your shoes.

3) Drinking and going to the bathroom takes on a whole new risk level. Avoid it.

4) When you finish your business, it's WAAY more "in-your-face".

5) No more "I got it from the toilet seat, baby", excuses.

6) Did I mention that you can poo on your shoes a lot more easily?

7) You. Might. Poo. On. Your. Shoes.


There is a trick to it, which I will share with all of you non-Japanites (just in case you ever drop by, or need to crap in the woods). Pull your pants down to the lower thigh, rather than all the way down to your ankles. This minimizes the chances that you will have any...complications.

And of course, there is one more dirty little secret to the Japanese bathroom. Take a look at this picture.



Do you notice anything missing? Anything.... hygenic? Like SOAP??

For some reason, soap seems to be quite optional here. To all you people at the Fucked Up Shit Department, I would like to know how you can automate a toilet to the point where it is practically qualified to vote for me in municipal elections, yet miss something as essential as soap?!?!

Maybe if we had Robo-soap.



/For the record, I have never pooed on my shoes, but it remains my greatest Japanese bathroom fear.

Let's Embarassing!

TV is a wonderful way to learn about culture. While I've mostly given up TV for this new fangled "internet" thing, I do enjoy the bits and pieces of Japanese TV that make it to the net. Here are some of the best ones I've turned up recently.




These shows are amazing because they have no qualms about using "physical pain" as the primary source of entertainment. There's also a healthy dose of shame here. The shame is the interesting bit, because shame is the primary means of enforcing social rules here in Japan. Drinking on the street isn't illegal, but it is discouraged. People will stare and frown and generally express that they feel your behaviour is "shameful". Public shaming is among the worst punishments, as most social discipline is expressed in a private setting. Taboos are fascinating, and therefore, everyone loves watching some poor naked sap get pitched down a ski hill with his willy waving around. It's also dead funny for just about everyone but the doodle dangling downhiller.


On to the "pain" bit. This is fun because pain itself is funny, but we feel a bit guilty when we watch someone else get hurt (even if you sometimes laugh a bit... and I'm looking at you "Three Stooges".) The solution to this little ethical dilemma is to use the THREAT of pain as a driver.

Again, watching someone scream for his life can be pretty funny when you know he'll be ok in the end. Want proof? Take a ride in this taxi.



I wonder what they tell people when they make them sign the waivers. After all, I doubt that they're spoiling the prank...

This next bit is purely about scaring the living crap out of people. It's wickedly funny, because the camera operator knows what sells: people screaming in sheer terror while we laugh at their misfortune. Sounds evil doesn't it? Clicky Clicksity...




I find Japanese TV most intriguing for the use of a studio audience and call-out boxes to display people (often celebrities) reacting to key moments. I suspect that they use this image to let you know which "reaction" you are expected to have. Shocked? Happy? Amazed? What if you're unsure? Well, just follow the guy in the box. They pop them onto the screen and show the viewer that it is socially acceptable to laugh out loud, cry or shout at the contestant.

The in-show commentators are seemingly designed to create the feeling that TV is more of a community-based experience than a personal one, which is very important in a society that pursues unity to such a large extent. The studio audience lets you seek consensus, or at least the generally accepted way to react to a given situation.

After all, the whole audience is laughing. Why aren't you?

Japanese Cops: Hardcore?

Well... this is a surprisingly good metaphor. You see, the cops in Japan generally exist to give directions to lost citizens. They are courteous, kind, and generally helpful.

That is, until you look at them crosswise. They have ridiculous powers compared to their western counterparts. For example, the cops can hold you for about 21 days in custody without charging you. Oh yeah, and the courts here have about a 99% conviction rate, so if you are charged with something, the courts tend to belive the cops and toss your ass in jail regardless.

I kind of dismissed this as hearsay, until I heard a story from my dear friend Dave. Apparently, one day he was hanging around in downtown Yokohama. Some biker gang was making waaay too much noise and bothering the locals. After about forty minutes of listening to the bikers ciccle the area at an exceedingly high volume, a single cop came out of the station. He was calmly carrying a very large, very black nightstick. When the bikers came by for their next pass, the cop calmly pulled back his five foot steel rod, and cranked one of those poor fuckers in the head as hard as he could. The guy spun off his bike and flew into a crumpled heap at the side of the road. Seeing this, the cop calmly marched back into his station. The bike gang calmly scaped their shattered comrade off the road, and carried him off for what was presumably medical treatment. The cop never came out, and the gange didn't cause any further shit. Clearly the message was "fuck around if you want, but if I start getting complaints, your ass is mine and there isn't a bloody thing you can do about it.

So...uh... don't ride a loud bike...? That's hella scarier than using the force.

Ho Ho Ho: Let's Frightening Children!

I dressed up as Santa Claus for our school party, so I naturally decided it would be a good idea to wear the suit all day.

Including while shopping...



...for delicious sushi.



Ok, shut up. You get sick of eating reindeer steaks, elf puddding and baby seal sashimi when you live at the north pole 364 days each year.



Oooo...while we're discussing disturbing things, I can actually show you a two part photo montage of me scarring some poor child for life!

Mother: It's Santa-san! Take a picture!!!
Child: (fearful silence)
Mother: (silent pushing)
Child: (fearful retreating silence)
Mother: SANTA SAN DESU! (more forceful placing)



Child: (fearful resignation, plus a lot of caution)



/note the "safe space" between the child and scary foreign man with the big beard, who is clearly NOT Santa-san.

I love Japanese game shows

I don't watch a lot of Japanese television, but there are some shows that make me wish I did. You see, not only to a lot of Japanese game shows involve doing horrible things to the contestants, they are also horrible and RIDICULOUS things.

The other thing that Japanese game shows love is involving foreigners. In this case, we add Ernesto Hoost, who is a K-1 fighter. (For those of you who don't follow sports where people kick the ever-loving shit out of one another,"K-1" is one of the more violent iterations). The show in question is "Silent Library", where the contestants randomly dish out strange punishments to one of their group. The twist is that this all supposedly takes place in a library, so everything has to be done as silently as possible.


Here you go...



If you want to experience more of this wonderfulness, I suggest searching for "gaki no tsukai" on youtube.

Open Season on Cat Crazyness!

Sometimes, I remember that I can't be there to personally witness ALL of the strange shit that happens here in J-land. Sad as that is, I'd like to let you know that I am happy to post suitably crazy things from YOU, dear reader. If you find something vaguely japan related in origin or culture, and that something is batshit insane, feel free to send it to me at merrymanjapan (at) gmail (d0t) com.

If you send me stuff, please let me know whether you'd like to be anonymous (eg, "You"), technically anonymous (eg, "Goshiko") or if you'd like me to splatter your identity across the internet like so much tentacle porn. (eg, I still haven't posted an outline of Dave's house key, but I'm having a copy made for that stalker of his.)



er...

Anyway...

This next video of comes courtesy of the same talented cell phone videographer that brought you the Ninja English Student video in Body, Soul and Mind.

Thanks again for the vids!

Rock 'n Roll, a Cola War, I can't take it any more...

Raise your hand if you just hummed "We didn't start the fire..."

I happen to be a personal fan of the 1980s, and if you happen to know that Billy Joel song, you probably are too. The other day, Japan presented me with a can of carbonated awesomeness that I haven't laid eyes on since the heady days of "New Coke". I don't know about you, but while Coke and Pepsi have always been tasty ways to simultaneously feed my caffeine and sugar urges, they have always lacked a certain indescribable quality. Despite dominating the beverage market and the vending machines of my life, I always maintained a can shaped hole in my heart for the lost bit player that stood for the small town cola machines of summer holidays. A cola product, if you will, of my lost youth.

And I found it in the strangest of places. In the local foreign food supermarket in the basement of a Shinyurigaoka departmetn store, there it was. Amid a clutter of American Tabasco sauce flavours and British Twinnings tea variants, stuck in between some strange lemon drink and a case of Kool aid, I saw it...



My sweet blue canned youth!



Royal Crown Cola! It seems like it's been since 1905 that I last tasted your yummy, sugary bubbles.

I know we all have things that remind us of our childhoods, and RC Cola is one for me. Oh...to be a little kid again... back when we had seriously stressful things to deal with, like who we should play with at recess, or what was wrong with jogging pants...or why the hell everyone would start declaring that you liked some girl when you didn't really even know who she was. (Oh, if I could go back and slap some sense into my eighth grade self, man, there would have been some hot PG rated over-the-clothes light petting.)


Of course, one has to remember that the trusty bureaucrats at the Fucked Up Shit Department have been keeping track of various cultural imports. And, after we saw how they dealt with the culinary challenge presented by Korea, we can assume a similarly heavy handed response. Finally, given the amount of nostalgia that is pressed into each and every can of RC Cola, the F.U.S.D. would be well aware that they would have to lay some serious smack down to best RC in the contest to become "Sweet Carbonated Nectar Of My Dreams."

Well, they did just that.



They laid the Smack down, that is.




Literally.





We can always count on the F.U.S.D. to make wonderfully horrific sentences a cultural necessity.

This, ladies and gentlemen, was the actual line I used to acquire a bottle of this fun for my home collection:

Oh waitress, Can I have some more Smack please? To Go?



English Help:

I always maintained a can shaped hole in my heart ; I always kept a special place for (eg, "remembered") for RC Cola.

the lost bit player: a small company/person that tried to compete against a larger company, but lost.

the heady days of "New Coke": "heady" means exciting, as in "things are going to your head". "New Coke" was a brief experiment by Coca Cola to change the taste of their drink. It was a total failure, and Coke brought out "Coca Cola Classic" soon after.

hot PG rated over-the-clothes light petting: elementary school romantic contact. Probably kissing and not much else.

to Smack (verb) - to hit someone/something, often across the face. It has a connection to gangsta/pimp culture. So, to "lay the smack down" is to hit someone, or more commonly, to assert your authority in an aggressive manner.

a Smack: related to the above, a slap or blow. eg: She gave him a smack for looking at other girls.

some Smack: (uncountable noun) (slang): Heroin, a powerful drug.

Sickfoot

I came home on a relatively cold day a little while ago, and I had a startling realization.

I think the "Foot Clan" was inspired by Japan.

Not in the way you think... that the fictional Foot Clan, enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (and Casey Jones) are based on an ancient Ninjutsu society. I'll admit that it's...possible.

But this is for real!

I mean.... I think that their appearances were probably dreamed up during the annual fall "cold" season in Japan.



Check it out! Shredder was definitely inspired by a sick day.



April O'Neal will go out with me if look this good. Yeah baby.



I'm a deadly man, so watch out! My kung flu is strong!



Confused? Check this out: TMNT's Foot Clan.

Maximum Denshitty

When someone mentions Tokyo, one of the things that comes to mind is the public transportation system. Tokyo's trains are a miraculous tangle of steel spaghetti that carries millions of people around the city with to-the-minute precision. They are operated by about ten different groups, including the metropolitan government, the national rail company, and a host of department store companies. (The department store operators are actually quite brilliant to have built train lines... all of the major transfer points are situated beneath branches of their stores, so they use the train lines to bring customers in.) Overall, there are so many train lines that you can usually get from point A to point B three or four different ways.

Maybe some maps would help.

Here's a map of the JR lines in the greater Tokyo area.

The most crowded train line in the world is the Yamanote Line. It's the green circle in the middle of the map.


Oh, and there are also these private lines that run in the same area.



Oh yeah...there's a third map for the subway trains. The gray line here on the subway map is the Yamanote line (the green one above)


Keep in mind that these maps cover much of the same area. Separate maps are used because they would have to resort to using Queer Eye For The Straight Guy colours to keep all of the lines...straight. ("Take the tope line to the teal line, then transfer to the mauve one!") There are also a whole bunch of private lines that cover the outlying area that aren't represented on this map.

Apart from being amazingly well integrated into the city, Tokyo's trains are also known for being...crowded.



This isn't always the case, and generally you can physically fit onto any given train. There are a few exceptions though. Trains can be crowded during rush hour, obviously, but the worst amount of overcrowding often happens on "Last Train". Since so many trains run each day (The Yamanote Line that circles the city runs every two minutes during peak hours, and every five minutes otherwise) they shut down the network between about 1 am and 5 am for maintenance. Unfortunately, this can mean that lots of people want to take the train...which leads to this:



These shots are from the Denentoshi Line, which runs west from Shibuya.




One thing I love about this situation is that these shots are from the SECOND to last train, which has has already been jammed to capacity. The sad looking people on the platform were physically unable to squeeze themselves onto the train.


This is what they look like as the train pulls away.


On the inside of the last train, things can look a little like this.









How on earth do you deal with this sort of situation and not go crazy or feel claustrophobic?

Well... on your birthday, the solution is actually quite easy.

Chug scotch from a bottle, and try really hard to get the commuters to join you.



They won't, but you'll at least free up some space for your drinking arm...




Despite the pun in the title of today's post, I actually love the Tokyo transit system. The train near my little pocket of Tokyo's "Suburbia" runs every twelve minutes at worst, and every five minutes in the morning. Riding trains might not offer the door-to-door, on demand experience of cars, but what they have to offer is much better: peace of mind. Riding trains is convenient, social, easy and sometimes, drunken. You never worry about so many of the things that make car ownership a pain in the you-know-where: parking, sobriety, insurance, traffic, gas prices, accidents, road rage.... the list goes on and on.

Take a moment and think about the pictures of the train ride above. Despite the fact that I had a rather intimate experience with about seven strangers simultaneously, I still didn't get off the train angry, or stressed, or tired. Now think about what it would be like twenty times the usual number of cars clogged your evening commute. I would guess that somewhere near a thousand people (more?) jammed themselves onto two trains while I watched, we still reached our destination in exactly 21 minutes. Now think of adding an extra thousand cars to your local highway over a ten minute span. Think you'd still get home in 21 minutes?

Furthermore, I firmly believe that the train network here allows people to be more social. Would you drive alone in a car for an hour just to meet your friend for dinner and a few drinks? Maybe, but how often? An hour on a train listening to music or reading a book leaves you energized, where an hour in a car leaves you drained.

I've always been at least a moderate advocate of public transit. After more than a year of riding the rails here, you can officially check off "rabid screaming teenage fan club" for my level level of excitement. I still haven't asked any train conductors to sign my ass, but you never know.


Oh, and for the record, I don't mind crowds. They mind me.