illegallity for your amusement and education

The transit system in Japan is amazing, and I've written many times that it is a model of how density can improve your life.

But what if you've forgotten your wallet? What if you had no money? In a car based society, one could hitchhike, or beg the bus driver to let you on. Here in Japan, hitchhiking for the train is not so effective....and the bus drivers...well...they don't speak English so well, so "begging" doesn't work.

So, for your education, dear reader, several friends and I engaged in an academic exercise...

HOW TO CHEAT THE TRAIN SYSTEM
(Four Handy Methods and One Disclaimer)


There are several main schools of thought about the best way to engage in this activity (sport?).

SCHOOL ONE: Don't do this.

The first school of thought suggests quite clearly that this is an illegal activity, and you can probably be sent to pounding-you-in-the-behind-by-a-sumo-wrestler prison if you do it too often. Anyway... the penalties are quite severe (so stay tuned!) After all, you are making use of the service, so... I seriously suggest that you buy a ticket. Er...and do remember that cameras have been mounted at all of the station gates...so you may get booked if you use this knowledge for the cause of evil.

Of course, unless you feel like making funny videos while you wait for a friend. Then... well... go to town.

SCHOOL TWO: Clueless Drunken Foreigner Bash Through Style

This is probably the most widely used form of train-gate missing. It quite simply means "walking through the gate" and giving your best "I'm a stupid foreigner and I don't know how to work this crazy Japanese stuff" look to any train staff you make eye contact with. They will usually decide that you are too much effort to deal with and wave you through.

It looks like this:



I've used this trick a few times (*almost* exclusively by accident). It works better the less you shave and the more confused you look.


SCHOOL THREE: Super Samurai Somersault Style

I think the name pretty much says it all. This method can be used in two ways. You can either try to barrel through as fast as possible and hope that the gate doesn't bash you in the face. Or... you can strategically note the placement of the sensor beams, cover them, and edge your way through until you think you can jump through before the electronic senors realize that the jig is up. Good, except during rush hour.



For the record, this style is known to be 70% more effective if you provide your own "Mission Impossible" Soundtrack.

EDIT: Some folks have complained of video trouble with this one, so I've reloaded and reposted for your repeated enjoyment.




SCHOOL FOUR: 2 - for - 1 Fire Man Carry Bonus Style

This one is more about strategy than physical prowess, though it takes a slight amount of technique. The trick is to balance one train customer on top of the other so you can use a single ticket. This makes your subterfuge less noticeable, as you will not set off the alarm trigger. On the other hand, you will clearly be carrying someone else. Try it if the guard is sleeping.





SCHOOL FIVE: SUPER TURBO SECRET LONG JUMPING STYLE

This is probably the most satisfying method to use. In it, you attempt to clear the gates in a single bound, avoiding the sensors and thereby winning glory for your entire deadbeat family (you rapscallion). If you manage to limit the size of your hop, you can probably get this done without alerting the station staff. It'll just between you and the maker, so start thinking about whether your eternal soul is really worth 130 yen. Well? Is it?

Here, Ben Sensei answers with a firm "no".



Oh... and stay tuned for the heavy handed response at the end from the station staff. He really fixes Ben good for using their property as a metaphorical transit chew-toy.



Ok, it's poll time... what's in his head?



1) Take that, foreign hooligans!!! It's my shakey hand! You'd better say "sorry" in Japanese or else....

2) Thank you very much for not jumping repeatedly through the gates for the past twenty five minutes!

3) I. hate. this. job.

4) Phew... what's that smell???

5) Look... I know I failed out of cop school...but seriously...where did life go wrong?




I'm open to suggestions, either for the "what's going through the station staffer's mind"... or for other academics' thoughts on this fine art.

Ogling and "Holy Shit! Its America!!"

So, I spent some time running around downtown Tokyo with two very nice teachers. In fact, this weekend contained what can only be termed the FIND OF THE CENTURY, at least for the purposes of automotive trivia. You can slot this one in somewhere around “Einstien’s theory of general relativity plus a healthy dose of cold fusion.”

We have discovered what the letters C R and V mean, when referring to the compact Honda SUV. You can officially brace yourselves, sit down and/or conduct any small children or people with pacemakers out of the room.

Are you ready….TO ROCK?

CRV means “Comfortable Runabout Vehicle”.

Who knew that that bastion of North American university student transportation was actually a reasonably decent katakana engrishiztion??? Amazing.

Also on that note, I saw a halfway decent engrish shirt … “eat happy only meat!” but it sadly came only in medium. Medium, of course, is Japanese for “really bloody small”. But I still almost bought it.

Also of interest: Shinto Shrines serve free sho-chu! Its part of the operation of a temple apparently. And while I admit that my taking joy in this is kind of like going to church to chug red wine, I still think it’s cool to have people in traditional dress hand me paper cups of booze as I tour their faith-space.

I’d also like to submit the following man-sperience for general internet consumption.

I don’t know what it is about Japanese girls and shorts skirts, and while I am getting used to copious amounts of thigh-showing as a general fact of life, occasionally I am still shocked by the sheer volume of toned flesh being displayed. I say ‘toned’, because Japan seems to have largely escaped a North American phenomenon that I like to call “Ye Gods Woman!!! MORE Goodlife Fitness and LESS Belly Top!!" (or, if you ever visit Darien Lake, USA... "McDonalds Super-sized Women in NON-McDonalds Super Sized Bikinis"... BLEECH!... ... not that I am super fit, but I certainly don't wear fucking belly tops that display my fat, fat belly.)

ANYWAY... the other day when I was in Shibuya, … I actually had a verbal-expleditive-uttering, jaw-dropping, stop-in-my-tracks-curse-out-loud experience.

I was in middle of a friendly conversation with my good pal Geoff, and as we rounded a corner, we came face to face (ok, ok, it was face to face-body-legs-body-face, but who was counting???)…anyway… nearly face to face with more thigh than I'd seen since the last time I went out for swiss chalet. I actually stopped mid sentenced and gasped “Holy shit! Its America!” from about four feet away.

You see, this girl was wearing some sort of shoulder covering pseudo-top, thigh-high blood red leather heeled boots, “shorts” (waist denim) and a huge stars-and-stripes American flag cowboy hat. 'Double take' doesn’t even begin to describe the mental scratched-cd jump that went on in my head for about three full seconds.

Geoff told me after I’d regained my composure that she’d actually smiled at me and said “good evening”, but honestly, I was too stunned to notice. Yeesh. I mean, after thinking about it with my BRAIN, wearing an outfit like that seems to signify some serious attention-starvation, egomania, or who knows what else (and uber high maintenance, I guess?) By my word, what a show.

Incidentally, I should confess that one of my favourite activities after I see a particularly good looking young lady is to cast a quick glance around at all the other dudes. I find it vastly amusing to see that the rest of my gender is as helpless at preventing a horrifically obvious rubberneck as I am. I don’t know if anyone else cursed quite as loudly as I did, but it was still fun to watch.

Boys, try it some time. We look like schmucks, but we can all take solace that ladies have two options when avoiding schmucks – 1) each other (not that there's anything remotely wrong with if you are at all interested in said LGBT persuits) or 2) a battery powered friend, that while fun at parties, certainly can’t carry girls’ shit in ITS pockets when they take it clubbing.

Girls, shut up and stop sniggering. You should see yourselves when you see (insert famous boyish actor/rockstar-of-the-moment here – aka Orlando Bloom, Jonny Depp, and on back through the Backstreet Boys and N-Sync to “NKOTB”. And don’t pretend that you don’t know what that stands for.)