Compotabilty Conspiracy? Let's Go Down!

Ever since a friend of mine spent 2000 yen trying to win an "English Dictionaly" from a UFO catcher, I have admitted the possibility that the writers of some of the hystierical Engrish around me are laughing too. Are we simply falling victim to a massive linguistic conspiracy? Perhaps I am being totally outsmarted by people who might not know how to form a fully correct English sentence, but who certainly know how to form a highly amusing *incorrect* sentence.

Take this video game console for example:



A friend spotted it in Daiei, and you'd better believe that a few thousand yen loosened themselves in my wallet in preparation to fight for this linguistic treasure. Imagine it: a video game console that manages to be inclusive (EVERYBODY!!), instead of judgemental and mocking because you suck at dodgeball. (ahem)... AND....wonderful chance.... EVERYBODY GETS OFF! Ah, geekdom! They've even thrown in an incorrect "Let's" to seal the deal! Rejoice, for your salvation is only a few thousand yen of UFO clawing power away...

Oh! Glorious Temptationing!

(shakes self off...)

So, you see how a well placed "Get off" can make a product so much more desirable to the English consumer.

And then... much like the oft-clutched-at prize, this idea slips between my inept, underpowered mechanical fingers. Assuming that there is a language conspiracy is pretty freaking self-centered.

I honestly feel that marketers simply don't care. They phrase things in ways that they know the Japanese consumer will understand (eg 95% of the market), rather than trying to sneakily con the other 5% (is it even that high?). I don't deny that a few savvy marketers have probably managed to kill those two very different sized birds with a few well placed dirty double entendres, but I have to believe that this is the exception, not the norm.

To boot, my belief in a hyperliterate english-abusing Japanese marketing elite "takes blow" (A!! A!!) every time I teach a lesson on "Phrasal Verbs"
that goes horribly, horribly wrong.


"The other day, I ate out my parents!" (ate out WITH!)

"I came into Masa yesterday" (RAN into!)

Adam Sensei: Come on Keiko! Come on Keiko! Let's go!!!
4 year old Keiko: Come on...me? (GAK!!!)




And... besides.... those UFO prizes are all made in China.

... those guys LOVE a good conspiracy!

Self Esteem: Now 50% less!

I'm a big fan of crazy English, and crazyness in general, so I wanted to share a wonderful "little" place with you.

In what has probably become my favourite bit of town, Sakuragicho, head to the World Porters building. It's about about a 10 minute walk from the station - head towards the giant ferris wheel. Look for the giant building that looks like...uh...this:



The whole building is worth a shop, but I particularly enjoyed the fifth floor, the "Broadway Avenue Floor". Here, you'll find lots of wonderful little crazy shops. Fair warning: most of the clothes in these shops are in Japanese sizes, so bring a fair bit of confidence or a smaller friend if you want to buy anything. Still... it's worth wandering.



After all, you wouldn't want to pass up the chance to see about a fashion store that might as well be called "Slutty Susan".

Loosy Lou not only encourages whoring, but also fails horribly in most of its attempts to be "cheerful", despite liberal use of "YEAH! and fluffy bunnies.



YEAH! See our family to realize As it's all running down! Fill your head all full of lies!!!


The back of the shirt isn't too shabby either, as it also matches fluffy bunnies with soul draining insanity.




Overall, it's a wildly optimistic store.




After all that soul-draining, you might want something to cheer you up. Don't worry. They've got you covered next door...



Golden Jesus lights up your life, you know.


Oh, and if you aren't into gramatically challenged depression or God-kitsch, you can always play mini golf on the roof. The view is fantastic, and 18 holes of crazy fun are only 800 yen.







And...you always know what time it is!





Still, if golf isn't your thing... I guess you could....


Get your ears cleaned?!?!


This shop is on the 6th floor of World Porters.... ready with immaculately clean people armed with face masks, q-tips and barbers' chairs. Dave and I were running late, and had no time for even the 1000 yen "basic" cleaning... but if anyone else heads out there before I do, please snag some pics and report back!









* Sorry, is my "Geek" showing?

Potty Minded

Some of the greatest things about this country are the juxtapositions. Things are connected here in ways that they were never intended to be - socially, physically and even gramatically.




Perhaps this is nowhere more evident than in the bathroom. You see, the Japanese have developed what is likely the world's greatest toilet. This wonderful device includes a heated seat, a butt washer, a bidet (lady parts washer, for all you single men out there), multiple water flush levels, a deoderizer, a fan, "flushing sounds" (so that your internal orchestra can't be heard), and now... motion sensitive seats!



Adding to the technical achievement is the fact that the toilet is not controlled by any sort of crappy knob system, but rather by a wall mounted control panel (computer bank?).


Check out the sweet graphics for "ass" and what they did to avoid depicting "washing a vagina" in cartoon format.

Oh... and with buttons on the top of the control panel, you can also control different aspects of the seat. Now there's no need to use your foot to lift the seat in a skeezy bar bathroom!!!




/I know I promised not to take any more cell phone videos, but I felt weird enough making "picture" sounds in the stall. I didn't feel the need to cart in a giant camera with a huge telephoto lens.

//.... ha ha... very funny.


Of course, much in the way that your sweet old grandma can talk a lot of crap after a bottle of wine, nothing is perfect. Thus, all is not roses in the land of the Japanese bathroom. The "traditional" (aka "train station") bathroom is somewhat less technical. In fact, it consists of little more than a flushable hole in the floor.



While this hole has the admirable benefit of only needing to be cleaned once every winter, it has some significant drawbacks:

1) You have to squat uncomfortably. No magazine reading for you, mister.

2) If you aren't careful, you might crap on your shoes.

3) Drinking and going to the bathroom takes on a whole new risk level. Avoid it.

4) When you finish your business, it's WAAY more "in-your-face".

5) No more "I got it from the toilet seat, baby", excuses.

6) Did I mention that you can poo on your shoes a lot more easily?

7) You. Might. Poo. On. Your. Shoes.


There is a trick to it, which I will share with all of you non-Japanites (just in case you ever drop by, or need to crap in the woods). Pull your pants down to the lower thigh, rather than all the way down to your ankles. This minimizes the chances that you will have any...complications.

And of course, there is one more dirty little secret to the Japanese bathroom. Take a look at this picture.



Do you notice anything missing? Anything.... hygenic? Like SOAP??

For some reason, soap seems to be quite optional here. To all you people at the Fucked Up Shit Department, I would like to know how you can automate a toilet to the point where it is practically qualified to vote for me in municipal elections, yet miss something as essential as soap?!?!

Maybe if we had Robo-soap.



/For the record, I have never pooed on my shoes, but it remains my greatest Japanese bathroom fear.

Socktual Harassment.

Indespensible socks are the best things ever. I do love a good sock, and the Tokyo crowds are far more foot-fashion-forward than most people. Perhaps it's becase the manufacturers don't tend to promote a choice. Here is the text from a sock package I saw near my school.


Buy this sock. It's indespensible!

Sushi: Done Right

I've eaten a lot of raw fish since stepping off the plane, but I just can't get enough. Maybe I have some sort of Mercury addiction. While the downsides of this are cancer and a much longer waiting time at airport security checks, knowing the temperature and eating a lot of damn fine tuna are at least within spitting distance of a reasonably good trade off.


And the odd tentacle isn't so bad either.

In any case, probably the best place for choppedup chunks of top-o-the-food chain mercury collectors (aka "maguro" or "tuna") is a little joint called "Midori Zushi". Let's just say that it's good enough that I'm not worried about spoiling your appetite with the potential health hazards of Tuna.

I wrote about this shop back in August, but I've taken a few more trips and managed to snag a few more pictures, so it's definitely worth another bout.

There are several locations around the city, including Shibuya and Futakotamagawa, but the flagship store in Umegaoka is still the best. (Umegaoka is about ten minutes or so west of Shinjuku on the Odakyu Line... directions below).

The plastic food out front is enticing but not extraordinary, and in terms of decor, all three places are nice, but not mind boggling. The service actually bordered on slow a few times, but after eating one dish, I'm as likely to bitch about waiting in line to see Cameron Diaz Mud Wrestling Angelina Jolie. **

I mean, it's not like the chef-to-cutting board space ratio is all that bad.



You see, buck toothed Jehovah's witnesses with unibrows could serve this sushi in an alley decorated with busts of Tucker Carlson, and I'd still eat there three times a week.

But don't take my word for it. Check out these massive cuts.

The "Ultimate Fatty Tuna" is on the left. Midori sells sushi by the plate or by the individual piece. Each of those goes for about 400 yen ($4), and I don't question the value for a moment.


Salmon.


More Salmon.


A lot more Salmon!


The rolls they make are huge... about the same diameter as a can of coke.


MmMmmm....fish eggs are better than you think they are.


My absolute strongest recommendation, however, is the "blowtorch platter". One piece each of Salmon, Cuttlefish (aka Squid EDIT: ok, it's not all that related to squid, but it has freaking tentacles, and it's freaking delicious. Eat it. ), and Shrimp, Scallops and Tuna. Roasted to bring out the fatty flavour, it melts in your mouth like no culinary cliche I've ever tasted.

Put it this way: given my violent loyalty to unadulterated, still-flipping-raw fish, you can only imagine how "bloody" good this platter has to be for a COOKED dish to take the top spot.


Sorry that all the pieces aren't in the pic, but... let's just say that my taste buds beat out my camera/bloggind instinct.





Added bonuses!


1) They sure as hell aren't stingy about the Wasabi!



2) The Chefs are all willing to mack on girls at the bar!


/Check out the dude on the left, who totally just lost the "grenade" draw.

3) At least 50% of you stumbled across this site while looking for porn! I'm proud of you for reading the whole post! I took a peek at the referral list, and the number of people googling for some sort of Japanese Fuckfest astounded even my dirty mind. And now that I've included "Japan Fuck Fest" (with both spelling variations), the word "coke" as well as a bit about Cameron Diaz Mud Wrestling Angelina Jolie (twice), I can pretty much guarentee that MORE than 50% of you were looking for some sort of filthy awful porn. I'd like to apoligise to most of you for ruining your excitement. Still, if you're reading this, your probably hungrier than you are horny.



Directions:

Umegaoka
From Umegaoka station, head out the entrance on your left (the one with McDonald's, and yes I am aware of the irony of using a McDonald's to give directions to what might be one of the greatest sushi restaurants in the world). Turn left and follow the road to the first intersection, and take the road that turns 45 degrees to your right. Continue down the road for about thirty or forty metres, and just look for the large crowd of people waiting in line. That's the restaurant. Er... or you could use this map.

Futakotamagawa
Head north out of Futakotamagawa Station on the Tokyu Line (again, towards McDonalds...). Cross the street and head to your right towards the Takashimaya department store. (er, the Red one) It's up in the food court on the fourth or fifth floor. Just ask for directions or read the signs once you get to the Department store. Look for the lineup of people.

Shibuya
From Hachiko statue, head across the street towards the entrance to the Keio line. (If you don't know where this is, stand looking into the eyes of the Hachiko statue. Then cross the street immediately behind it - the crossing is a bit to your left). There is a huge department store called "Shibuya Mark City". Midori is on the fourth floor. Yup. Line up. McDonald's is downstairs if you want to earn a shitload of bad karma after eating at what might be the greatest bang-for-your-buck sushi restaurant in the world.

The Smile

What was I smiling at?

This.




Things that rock:

1) Planet Earth

2) Sunrise

3) Hauling your sorry, moderately rotund ass up to 3776 metres above sea level to the top of a mountain to really appreciate #1 and #2.


As you may have guessed, I climbed Mt. Fuji last weekend. It was glorious, challenging and most of all very, very typically Japanese. I'll talk your eyes off about it soon enough. For now, enjoy some sweet pics.

Stereotypes

Two things of note happened recently. Both were rare and interesting experiences, and both changed my perspective on living in Japan in subtle yet meaningful ways.

Firstly, some pictures were taken of me recently that I was embarrassed to see. Yep. I managed to embarrass myself, rather than just the usual "strangers", "my friends" or "my poor, suffering mother".

So, of course, I'm posting the pictures.

Incidentally, one of the secrets of karaoke is not to sing songs that you like, but rather songs that are sung by people who are only 3893 times as vocally talented as you, rather than the songs that are sung by people who are 283939 times as talented as you.

For example:

Bad: Seal
Better: Green Day

Some Songs by popular bands may go well because everyone will automatically join in. This saves you having to hear your own voice for at least some of the session. Just remember to pick songs that you KNOW everyone knows.

Bad: Maxwell's Silver Hammer, Revolution #9
Better: Hey Jude, Let It Be


Anyway, I've discovered that if you happen to dredge up some serious 80's stadium rock, it can go reasonably well... or not. The bad news is that there's really no sure way to tell how well you can sing a particular song beforehand.

In my experience...
Bad: Bon Jovi
Better: Guns and Roses.

Surprisingly, a vaguely falsetto "knockin' on heaven's door" can be bearable and hysterically funny. Especially if you take it really really seriously when you are stretching out the chorus bits...



heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyeeaeeaaaa.....

..........aaaaaaooooohhhhhyeeeeaaaahhhhhhhyeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh.....



Hrmm... I also saw some cool stuff.

I'll write more about what I'm smiling at in this picture soon.


私は英語の先生と日本語の学生、ね？　”この写真は登富士山ですから。”

We Will Hey Ya The Champions

I have had two opportunities to see Japanese baseball teams duke it out. Interestingly enough, "Watching Baseball" is yet another thing that the Japanese have managed to elevate to a highly perfected, united, and exceedingly well organized group-experience.


Tokyo Dome


I'd like to briefly recap the improvements that the Japanese have made to the enjoyment of the game.

#1: Cheering

First, Japanese fans are about six times more excited about baseball than your average North American fans. To be honest, I have only seen baseball in a few cities (two?), so my sample size is not that large, but I think I can silence most critics of my generalization with one simple fact:



Each player has their own cheer.

That's right. While getting a "Go Jays Go!" cheer was pretty doable during the world series, or perhaps even a mostly 0n-key chant of a player's last name is ok.... the Japanese fans have managed to create distinct and difficult to follow cheers (including waving gestures and arm-pumping in unison). I couldn't understand what anyone was saying, but I could definitely make out individual sounds. Frankly, in a full stadium, that is pretty darn impressive.

At the Tokyo Giants game, for example, they also gave each person an orange cheering towel. Not the first 400 fans... not people who brought in 29 receipts from Kentucky Fried Chicken. Every single fan who didn't come decked out in the opposing team's colours became the proud owner of a new Giants towel.

Each section of seats, in fact, had its own cheering guy (I would say Cheer-leader, but we'll get to that in a bit.) These guys are in charge of making sure that the whole stadium is perfectly in sync. They wear white gloves and take cues from each other to make sure.

Incredible.

I'm sure if Japanese Baseball Fans wanted to do "the wave", they could probably get it to crest, or perhaps get several of them going in opposite directions. Or maybe they could send a giant team logo around instead of just a bump. Crazy.

Oh yeah... and they have cheerleaders too. I thought I remembered them in Toronto, but an American friend informed me that cheerleaders are rare in American Baseball stadiums. (stadii?)




#2: Convienence.

Much like most baseball stadiums, PET plastic bottles are banned, as they could theoretically be used as projectiles. But cans of beer are ok. Anyway... both stadiums I went to were kind enough to provide large plastic cups that you could pour your soft drinks into.

Oh, and you can bring your own beer and food into the stadium (much like the movie theatre, which is also brilliant).

But, you say.... why would anyone pay stadium beer prices when they can bring in their own beer???

Ah... my friends, the answer is simple.



Girls with neon short shorts and kegs on their backs. Brilliant.


#3: Music

There was a fine improvement to the concept of stadium rock music as well. The improvement wasn't made in a manner than most people would think of. In fact, they decided to remix not two, but rather THREE songs into one riduculous sounding mish - mosh of songs from vastly different times.

We Will Rock You + Hey Ya + We Are The Champions.... together at last!

And thus, the title of this entry.

Hey, Hey! Ho, Ho! This Penis Party's Got To Go

If you can name the movie from whence the title of this post comes, then you are indeed, a wicked consumer of awesome 90s movies.

Anyway, I am still behind in my postings, so there is much drama to come. I remain committed to sharing my lunacy with all (both) of you, dear readers, so hold on tight.

One of the most infamous things to come out of "crazy japan", after tentacle porn and high definition TV, is the "Festival of the Iron Penis".

Yes, its actually called "the Festival of the Iron Penis" and if you've ever watched any shows with titles like "shocking asia!" or seen pictures of strange japanese girls riding 30 foot penises, well... it all comes from a one day festival held in Kawasaki on the first sunday in April. Legends vary, and are all poorly translated, but as best I can make out...

Many years ago , some demon got the hots for some girl. She wouldn't marry him, though, because she was a prude or he had BO .. or he was a demon... one of those. So, he secretly crawled up into her bizness (that would be "reproductive tract" for those of you keeping track). Now, this girl, sadly, decided that it would be better just to pretend this didn't happen and not tell her new husband about this little factoid. (I think theres a "disclose your STD status" metaphor there somewhere.)

Anyway, when they came to the wedding bed to consumate their marriage, the demon decided that it was Lorena Bobbit Time, and made short work of his wedding tackle.

<CHOMP!>

This of course, led to the dissolution of their marriage on grounds of "irreconcilable differences", and probably a healthy trip around the daytime talk circut. Some time later, she managed to get herself another man (who really, really needed to do his research and/or watch some cable TV). This guy decided to look before he lept though, and figured out that labia are not usually possessed of razor sharp teeth, no matter how rough your lady-gums are.

uh. sorry for that.

Anyway... this guy proved to be something of a genius, and fashioned what was probably the worlds first Big Ol' Black Dildo with which to go to work on his missus. The demon mistranslated the phrase "man of steel", and took it entirely out of context. Biting down on the iron rod, the demon promptly shattered his teeth and, by extension, demonsculinity. The young couple lived happily ever after, although rumours that he never really "got" to her G spot hounded our hero for the rest of his life.

Since then, people have decided that the penis has healing powers, and prostitutes used to frequent the penis to pray for protection from sexually transmitted diseases. After all, nothing cures syphilis like a good dicking, right???

Thus, to this day, many men and women throughout Japan celebrate this legend by sporting totally wrecked teeth...

er... delete delete delete....

Thus, to this day, many men and women flock to kawasaki once a year to clebrate the Iron Penis Festival.


In modern times, they have a rock band, sell penis candy and drink white-tinged (salty tasting...) sake.

Here are some pics for your enjoyment.

The Iron Penis is carried by Men in Drag, to represent the prostitutes of yore.



Really.




They also have this great pink one, in case you aren't sure what they're celebrating...





This penis party also has some vendors selling things like suggestive, hand made candy.




And clearly labled instruction manuals!!





I can also tell you that the penis party had opportunities for me...

a 73% bigger erection for example...




and a strange beverage that I will never speak of again (after making this image publicly available on the intarweb)




In any case... I will leave you with a photo of a young japanese boy who is allowing himself to reach for his dreams...






Cheers!

/ps - the movie you're looking for is called "PCU".

Ogling and "Holy Shit! Its America!!"

So, I spent some time running around downtown Tokyo with two very nice teachers. In fact, this weekend contained what can only be termed the FIND OF THE CENTURY, at least for the purposes of automotive trivia. You can slot this one in somewhere around “Einstien’s theory of general relativity plus a healthy dose of cold fusion.”

We have discovered what the letters C R and V mean, when referring to the compact Honda SUV. You can officially brace yourselves, sit down and/or conduct any small children or people with pacemakers out of the room.

Are you ready….TO ROCK?

CRV means “Comfortable Runabout Vehicle”.

Who knew that that bastion of North American university student transportation was actually a reasonably decent katakana engrishiztion??? Amazing.

Also on that note, I saw a halfway decent engrish shirt … “eat happy only meat!” but it sadly came only in medium. Medium, of course, is Japanese for “really bloody small”. But I still almost bought it.

Also of interest: Shinto Shrines serve free sho-chu! Its part of the operation of a temple apparently. And while I admit that my taking joy in this is kind of like going to church to chug red wine, I still think it’s cool to have people in traditional dress hand me paper cups of booze as I tour their faith-space.

I’d also like to submit the following man-sperience for general internet consumption.

I don’t know what it is about Japanese girls and shorts skirts, and while I am getting used to copious amounts of thigh-showing as a general fact of life, occasionally I am still shocked by the sheer volume of toned flesh being displayed. I say ‘toned’, because Japan seems to have largely escaped a North American phenomenon that I like to call “Ye Gods Woman!!! MORE Goodlife Fitness and LESS Belly Top!!" (or, if you ever visit Darien Lake, USA... "McDonalds Super-sized Women in NON-McDonalds Super Sized Bikinis"... BLEECH!... ... not that I am super fit, but I certainly don't wear fucking belly tops that display my fat, fat belly.)

ANYWAY... the other day when I was in Shibuya, … I actually had a verbal-expleditive-uttering, jaw-dropping, stop-in-my-tracks-curse-out-loud experience.

I was in middle of a friendly conversation with my good pal Geoff, and as we rounded a corner, we came face to face (ok, ok, it was face to face-body-legs-body-face, but who was counting???)…anyway… nearly face to face with more thigh than I'd seen since the last time I went out for swiss chalet. I actually stopped mid sentenced and gasped “Holy shit! Its America!” from about four feet away.

You see, this girl was wearing some sort of shoulder covering pseudo-top, thigh-high blood red leather heeled boots, “shorts” (waist denim) and a huge stars-and-stripes American flag cowboy hat. 'Double take' doesn’t even begin to describe the mental scratched-cd jump that went on in my head for about three full seconds.

Geoff told me after I’d regained my composure that she’d actually smiled at me and said “good evening”, but honestly, I was too stunned to notice. Yeesh. I mean, after thinking about it with my BRAIN, wearing an outfit like that seems to signify some serious attention-starvation, egomania, or who knows what else (and uber high maintenance, I guess?) By my word, what a show.

Incidentally, I should confess that one of my favourite activities after I see a particularly good looking young lady is to cast a quick glance around at all the other dudes. I find it vastly amusing to see that the rest of my gender is as helpless at preventing a horrifically obvious rubberneck as I am. I don’t know if anyone else cursed quite as loudly as I did, but it was still fun to watch.

Boys, try it some time. We look like schmucks, but we can all take solace that ladies have two options when avoiding schmucks – 1) each other (not that there's anything remotely wrong with if you are at all interested in said LGBT persuits) or 2) a battery powered friend, that while fun at parties, certainly can’t carry girls’ shit in ITS pockets when they take it clubbing.

Girls, shut up and stop sniggering. You should see yourselves when you see (insert famous boyish actor/rockstar-of-the-moment here – aka Orlando Bloom, Jonny Depp, and on back through the Backstreet Boys and N-Sync to “NKOTB”. And don’t pretend that you don’t know what that stands for.)