Kyoto - Japanese Moms & Plationic Nudity

One of the side effects to having a lot of adventures is that sometimes the experiences are so jam-packed into a given set of days that the actual recording of them falls into an awful void that I like to call “notes”. Notes are wonderful, and they help you recall the experience, but they still don't provide very good entertainment value for your non-paying but greatly appreciated audience. And, dear audience, you are indeed appreciated. I enjoy crazy adventures, and I enjoy the idea that I can bring a bit of joy into YOUR life.

In any case, I've resolved to steel my resolve, and start putting down all the things I shoulda-woulda-coulda recorded, because it’s been one crazy month. The path has been wild and exciting, and I'm a new man now. You’ll all have to treat it like cable TV though. I've shot the episodes, and several members of the cast know the ending already, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t sit back and enjoy some more of the merry adventures of the Merry Man in Japan.

Without further ado, I present….


A Kyoto Tale, part 1: Japanese Mom(s)


The Setup

Kyoto is arguably one of the most important and interesting places in all of Japan. Not only do they say “osaki-ni” instead of “arigatou gozaimasu” (“thank you”), it happens to also be the famous for a climate change accord, as well as the presence of some, uh…. history. In fact, Kyoto is home to so many cultural treasures that a trip there regularly forces you to ignore several thousand-year-old shrines and as you head for other, more famous thousand-year-old shrines. All in all, it’s an incredible place.

During my various travels, I have definitely come to appreciate the common sense wisdom of “local advice”. People who live in an area are obviously able to point out the little things that make your trip worthwhile. Unfortunately, the locals live...well... at the place to which you are headed. This makes it rather more difficult to randomly run into them as you are planning said trip. This, of course, leaves the next best thing: someone who has been there a whole whack of times.

This leads me to address one of the best things about teaching: the fact that you get to meet a large number of rather wonderful people, all with different interests and experiences. I have several students who have lived long and interesting lives, which means they have a lot of advice to give about everything from child rearing to restaurant choice. One of my students is particularly fond of both dinner parties and the city of Kyoto – two areas of expertise in which she has been quite kind in sharing with me and with my fellow teachers.

Naturally, when it came time to head up to Kyoto, I asked her for some advice. She told me that she would think about it, and then asked me some basic questions (e.g., Did I want to do things as cheaply as possible or was I open to spending a bit more? How many people were going? Did I want to stay in a traditional place? How many days and nights? Are you going to be crazy culturally menacing foreigners? Please don't burn down our cultural heritage....Pretty please?).

It is a strange brew indeed – a combination of national pride, earnest desire to help someone in need, and genuine interest in the subject – but some of my students would go to extraordinary lengths to do things for their teacher (er, me!). I don't want to speculate on the effort involved, but two weeks later this particular student waltzed into class hefting a large folder and a larger smile. Opening it up with a grin, she revealed what amounted to a 1200-picture worthy, three point five day fully guided tour of the historical capital of Japan. She had information packages, maps, sightseeing notes and guidebooks – all of it furiously highlighted and bilingually annotated.

Getting there

To get us there, she'd found and booked the luxury “Night Dream” bus, which sported extra wide, super reclining seats three abreast – perfect for large 南蛮人 (barbarian/foreigner) butts. If you are ever planning a long distance trip, such as the Tokyo-Kyoto route, and you don’t want to travel on the painful regular bus (5000 yen), but save money over the新幹線Shinkansen (12000 yen), the “Night Dream” buses (8700) are a wonderful compromise. I even managed to refrain from stealing the very comfortable JR slippers and JR blankets that we were thoughtfully provided with.

Upon arrival, we managed to find our way to the Matsuihonkan – the Ryokan (traditional Japanese Hotel) that my pseudo-mother managed to book for us. We were served some delightful tea in the lobby, and given some snazzy chocolates to enjoy while they checked our bags for the day. I strongly recommend this place if you are planning to stay in Kyoto – mainly because the female staff are another group of excessively helpful mother-esque people.

There are a few places in the world that always exhibit the utmost concern for the customer. North Americans might find top notch service at their favourite restaurants or at an upscale men’s tailor, but it’s really hard to comprehend the level of service that the Japanese afford to their guests. In fact, the words “guest”, “customer” and “client” all have the same translation in Japanese. The customer is a “guest”, and is treated as such. A good Ryokan is the pinnacle of this service. To boot: Your room is served by 3 (THREE!) maids.

“It’s like having a Japanese Mom for a day.”



Dave was nearly correct when he pointed this out. You see, “maid” might be a bit of a misrepresentation of the staff, as you never actually have to tell them to do anything. Instead, they take care of everything you might want, and then some. They are kind of like Moms, that is if your Mom never told you to clean your room, but instead did it for you with a waaaay bigger smile than any Mom ever had while picking up someone else’s crap.



We’ll call them Mom #2, #3 and #4 respectively. (#1 being my student.)

After we arrived, Mom #2 and Mom #3 led us to our room and made sure that it was stocked with sweets and a fresh order of delicious tea. They laid out traditional Japanese Robes, and pointed out useful things like towels, the bathroom, comfy robes, and the window (helpful!)



They also sneakily grabbed our shoes out of the entrance room and CLEANED them.

I was a huge fan of Mom #4 (not pictured above), because she spoke English reasonably well. By "reasonably", I mean she could definitely fulfill all of the duties of a Ryokan maid in English, but her intonation left something bit lacking: She seemed to be unable to form the intonation for a question - all of her sentences ended up sounding more like orders.

"I'LL BRING YOUR DINNER UP AT FOUR, WON'T I!!!"

"YOU WANT A WAKE UP CALL!."

"I WILL NOW PREPARE YOUR BEDS. BE COMFORTABLE.".


Later on they brought a glorious feast, which fulfills the evil, secret purpose of the Ryokan: to generate as many dirty dishes as possible. To this end, they serve a wonderful spread of delicious food on so many little plates that they need several trays per person to bring them all in.

Pictures speak louder than words, I believe.



We definitely showed suitable respect for the effort put into dishware variety.





Every hotel needs a Sento.

After dinner, a trip down to the Sento is essential. A Sento is a communal Japanese Bath, spiritually similar to the natural hotsprings (Onsens). A sento doesn’t have naturally heated mineral water, but it’s still incredibly relaxing. To those of you who are unfamiliar, it’s basically like a giant public bathtub surrounded by sitting showers. The sitting-shower took some time to get used to at first, but after you’ve come to terms, you realize that you can clean certain things better if you can reach them (for example FEET, you filthy people). After scrubbing yourself, you jump into a super hot bath, and you can engage in pleasant semi drunken late night philosophy. After all, few things build rapport like mutual nudity and intellectual interest. I know Plato would have loved it.

I couldn't really take a camera into the bath, as that would have destroyed but I can certainly show you how relaxed one feels AFTER consuming booze, soaking in a hot tub, and retiring to bed in a lovely yukata/robe...



Up next: choosing the best 1000 year old shrine complex.


Japanese Notes: 南蛮人 “Nambanjin”... literally “southern barbarian”. This is my favourite Edo era word for foreigners. 外人 (Gaijin) is actually somewhat offensive, and 外国人 (Gaikokujin) is nowhere near as funny.

The Rise and Fall of Atami: A Geisha Story (really)

There have been some mightily incredible changes in Japanese society over the past few hundred years. The Meiji Restoration saw the end of the Shogunate, the restoration of the Emperor to the throne, and the opening of Japan to trade with the west. In short, the Meiji Restoration is kind of like the boundary between Samurai and Sony. Oh, and there was that whole "World War II" bit, the end of which wrought massive changes in Japanese society. Particularly, the resignation of "godhood" by the Emperor (aka the separation of the church and the state), a reorganization of business world, and a change in morals and attitudes that seems hard to fathom - namely the switch from an Imperial Power to an almost entirely pacifist nation with a definite thirst for certain aspects of western culture.

These are fascinating subjects, and I highly encourage you to read up on them in a place that is more informative and at least 82392% more carefully researched than the above boondagle, which was somewhat pulled out of my neither regions.


Interestingly, I am most often aware of the changes steming from a less well known period: the collapse of the Bubble Era. The Bubble Era, as it is known in Japan, traces its origins to the post war "economic miracle" through and extends to its peak in the 1980s. At the end of this era of unprecidented prosperity, the Japanese Economy seemed poised to overtake the US as the top industrial power in the world. Japanese business groups were favoured by the government, protected from foreign influence and staffed with a legion of tirelessly loyal salarymen in matching dark suits. Much like the pre-war "zaibatsu" conglomerates, these "keiretsu" were huge business empires. They were essential in transforming a society ravaged by war into one that was unrivaled in efficiency, manufacturing capability and general productivity across the industrial spectrum. In exchange for working fourteen hour work days and the decision to put work before all else, Japanese salarymen of the Bubble Era were promised lifetime employment, large salaries and massive yearly bonuses with which to reward neglected families (or buy new golf clubs.)

The incredibly high wages, combined with a shortage of hours in which to spend all that cash, led to the creation of a lot of high cost, high luxury leisure options designed to provide workers with the largest bangs for the largest number of bucks. These included everything from executives eating gold sprinkled food to the prevalence of hostess clubs and the construction of a whole slew of high-luxury day trip vacations spots.



Entire towns sprung up to provide a consumer culture with all of the wonderful toys and joys that too much money and not enough sense bring. The little town of Atami, just under an hour by Shinkansen (bullet train) from Tokyo, is one such place. An ocean side town situated on top of a large amount of volcanically hated water, Atami is a picturesque valley that has been paved and built up with various high rises, resorts and hotels. I've been told that many of the hotels are designed around group travel; huge dining halls and massive sleeping quarters fill the hotels, and are perfect for large company outings.



After all, if you dedicate your life to one firm, you definitely want to party with all of your life-mates from the office. Geishas, Onsens (hot springs), a beach and lots of wonderful mountain hiking to do help seal the appeal of this town as the perfect place to spend lots of cash with your work buddies.











Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Atami had it all - sights... money...glamour...and a primo place in the phone book.


Then, in the late 90s, it all came crashing down.

The economy stagnated, people's lifetime employment and astoundingly high salaries suddenly vanished. Suddenly, there were no more groups of drunken salary men making the shinkansen trip out to take in a geisha show, relax in an onsen, and perhaps even fantasize the night away with one of the so called "onsen geisha" - women who were known to have much less talent and much more horizontal availablity than their traditional perfomer namesakes.

Japanese workers became much more careful with their vacation time and dollars, preferring instead to save up for longer, more exotic jaunts across the country or around the world. No longer did they want to spend every waking hour with their work compatriots. Thus, Atami fell out of favour. The big rooms sat empty, and the geisha suddenly found themselves without their usual audience. The onsen geisha presumably moved and set up shop closer to paying, ah... bathers.

The thing is, though, that even if the customers dry up, you can hardly fold up the buildings. The onsens are still full of luxurious hot water, and the views are still just as spectacular.

After you've gone to the trouble of building hot water fountains where vacationers can boil their own eggs in the volcanic water as a snack...



Where do you go? What do you do?

Adapt, of course. Change with the times. The luxury hotels with the large rooms, and the onsens in the basements? Well, with some changes to the plumbing and some refurbishing, you can definitely transform a luxury hotel into a luxury condominum. Perhaps you can lure people out to live a more leisurely, less spendthrift life in a place that they once only visited in an explosive orgy of spending*.



This makes for some changes in the environment, but Atami has retained a few of the shining bits of its former self. Namely, the Geishas.





Now, things have presumably changed a bit. My friends and I were able to enjoy an hour long geisha show for a just over 1000 yen. Ten dollars, ladies and gentlemen, and you too can enjoy the dancing and performance skills of some of Atami's wonderfully skilled traditional entertainers.






For an hour, you and a room full of camera toting Japanese folk can travel back in time. Whether you want to head back to the far past through the stories presented silently on stage, or you want to think back to the wealth that floated around on the bubble, you can travel back in Atami. On the stage at least, little has changed.





Unfortunately, this also includes the performers. Some of them were a tad older than I expected.



And WAAAY angrier.




Now, they did have one or two cute ones.




She remained cute in my eyes until she smiled at me after the show. I've never actually winced so badly, but her chompers were a mishapen mix of yellows and browns that would make a horse blanche. Egad. I've seem some rough dentures in this land, but she took the first prize with just the top half.

Anyway, the show itself was fascinating, and lent itself very well to making up my own "Desperate Housewives (in kimonos)" stories...


"Great job with the fire drill, Keiko! Do you think we'd be could faster next time if we could take bigger steps...?"



"Wanna trade fans for a bit? We can be like sisters!!! BFFs forever???!??? Prettty Please?"



"How come my fan doesn't do that clickey thing?"


"Is this really the best way to dry my laundry, Hiro?"


"STOP IT! YOU'RE SCREWING UP MY TIMING!"



"We're on a HIIIIIIIIIIIGH WAAAAAAAY TO HEEELLLLLL!!!! DA DA DA!!!"


"OH YEAH?!?! I learned *this* from E. Honda!"



"I hope nobody heard that... I'm so embarrassed."



"I know Kung fu."
"Show me".



"Free of independent thought since 2003!"




Of course, now you have to deal with people making a big stupid deal out of things.
Still, the geisha were wonderfully willing to take pictures with the tourists.





Even the really ridiculous tourists.





I think there's hope for Atami yet - it's more than worth the trip.



On the regular train, anyway.





*JAPANESE help, for a change:

Zaibatsu - "financial clique". These are the five big companies that basically controled most of the Japanese economy in the period before WWII. Mitsubishi is perhaps the best known outside of Japan. Although these were theoretically broken up after WWII, there are still major bits and pieces here and there that continue the business tradition.

Keiretsu - the more recent conglomerate structure. These are groups of Japanese companies that work together in everything from technology sharing to cross share ownership, the latter is designed to protect Japanese firms from foreign takeover.



A note about "OLD" geishas: Actually, the stereotype of the geisha that we have in the west is based on a Maiko. These apprentice geisha are mostly found around Kyoto, and are the pretty young things we hope they all are. The rest are...well...dancers. You're not supposed to try to hit on them anyway, right?


English help:
* Explosive orgy of spending: spending a lot of money on crazy thinges. Ie. "onsen geisha"

More English help is forthcoming. Post your word questions if you want a faster answer, and I'll explain things.

Good Geisha, Scary Geisha

Geishas are one of the wonderful stereotypes of Japanese mythology. Recently, I've had a chance to enjoy some exciting times with some very different Geishas.

For example, "The Geisha" at Fujiyu highland. She is both a good Geisha, and a very, very naughty Geisha. You know... the slutty kind that tie their kimonos in the front.


I first saw this rolling monstrosity of a Japanese lady some time back, while she was still in her Maiko (apprentice/training/construction) phase.




At the time, I had no idea where the bloody train would go on a loop that seemed to leave no way for the train not to violently throw people out of the cars....



Ah.... this is where "the brilliance" comes in. I say "the brilliance" because these folk have taken the whole "suspended" roller coaster to a whole new level. In fact, this crazy girl flips you upside down FOURTEEN TIMES!

How? Well, by mounting the cars on the side of the tracks, rather than on top or below, the chairs are freed to spin in any direction. To keep you from being blasted out of your seatbelt while facing the wrong way on a loop-de-loop, the coaster rides on two sets of tracks. The distance between the two sets controls the angle of the cars.





Yeah.... it's pretty incredible.



Genius.





Oh, and did I mention the coaster also features a ninety degree drop?



...

One that you do FACE FIRST.




But you don't need to take my word about how much fun the ride is. You see, I was sure to have a handy fun-o-meter handy: A friend with big hair.



In other words, "Big" Fun.

She's a Good Geisha, but also a scary Geisha.

Right team?



YEAH!!!



Bonus points if you spotted the fact that someone went missing from the "YEAH" pose.


I suppose you feel pretty bad about opening up a post about Geishas and getting something about roller coasters.


Hmmm... maybe some off kilter English






Still not satisfied, are you?



Stay tuned.

Props make the party

You can go ahead and file this post under

1) Reasons I don't share this address with my students

2) Shenanigans

3) Pictures my friends will kill me for posting.

4) Bwahahahaaaa!!!


So, last weekend there was a wee bash. As with any good bash, it was designed around creating the maximum number of possible reasons for people to come out and act crazy. These reasons included a Birthday Party (David's), a Saturday night, A Pyjama Party, and a Playboy Theme!

These last two themes are particularly liberating. Much like Halloween, Oktoberfest and University, they let people dress up in astoundingly foolish (...skanky?) clothing while assuming minimal personal responsibility for any photographic evidence that might appear on one blog or another.

A great many costumes, props and other shenaniganery were acquired, worn, and as rumour has it, removed by various gropey fingers. (you bad, bad people).

Anyway, without further ado, I would like to present some highlights from the First Bi-Annual Chateau John PJ party dress-like-a-crazy-person-at-night party.

Or...


Fun things that start with "B":

Balloons, Boys, Bathrobes, Boisterousness.


Bravo! Honourable "B" mention: Beards!



Ben!


Ben + Girl = Happy Ben.

Bear suits!


Yoko pulls off the pink bear suit better than I've ever seen a pink...bear...suit...pulled?


Boredom?


Oh... shit... there's one other thing...

umm...

BIG BOUNCY BOOBIES!!!


eYAH!! big, bold, beautiful bouncy breasts ROCK! (Especially FAKE breasts...on...Brent?)

Why?


Well...the boys paid extra attention to me...




...and the girls were jealous of me...




Heck, I even got to share my back pain with my sistahs.





There was a downside though, as some strange guy kept trying to do strange things to my breasts!!!


/at first it was strange, but eventually I liked it...


Ah... who are we kidding. There's only one thing that brings the boys out time and time again. It even starts with a "B".


BISEXUAL TENDENCIES!!!

(aka...lipstick lesbians!!)











Lucy wins for enjoying it the most!!!




Triva: How many drinks do you think I consumed at this party?

a) 0: Drive-home-sober.

b) 1-5 Standard drinks, responsibleish for a party..

c) 6-10...er...ish...whee!!!hooo!!!

d) Way too many to count, so much so that I went crazy and ran around with fake breasts.



Place your bets?

And the answer was...

"a"!


That's right folks... I was high on life, lemon juice and the ego trip that comes from being the 'biggest' girl in the room.

... that was...until another guy showed up with another set from the same...er...shop.

Bitch.



English help:

Boisterousness: acting in a rowdy or childish manner. Being very active, or too full of energy. Like small boys.

lipstick lesbians: girls that will kiss other girls, but little else. Often used to refer to girls that touch each other at the urging of (or to cause urges among) boys.