Japanese High School Introductions

The other night, I was studying Japanese in Shibuya while waiting for my fellow all night dance party revelers. Of course, studying Japanese in public is an easy ice breaker for young J-folk who want to talk to foreigners (ie, study english and/or make dirty jokes).

So, of course, a group of high school boys noticed me studying. Eventually, one of them mustered the courage to ask a question (in Japanese)

"You speak Japanese?"

"I can speak a little." I said. "But I need to study more."
(This is both the appropriately modest answer and the unfortunate truth)

Thus, an opening was made, and a flurry of increasingly personal questions followed. Asking questions about hobbies and interests is the standard introduction method here in Japan. When people meet, it's usually five minutes of a predictable Question and Answer format. Unfortunately, the best questions came into use around 1962, and people have just been recycling them ever since.


So, how long stay in Japan?

Um... about 15 months. How about you? (I always ask this)

hahah.... I'm high school student. What's your favourite food in Japan?

I like sushi. I eat it three or four times a week.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh? Three times?

Yep. I love it...

(insert the standard few questions about our favourite fish (Eel, Salmon) and Restaurants (Midori)

.... Where are you from?

I'm from Toronto, in Canada. Do you know of it?

Ahhh.... Toront. I want to go.

To Toron-to. Yes, it's very wonderful.
(Japanese folk know that the "to" character at the end of the word usually represents "t", so they always drop the "o" a the end of "Toronto")

Wow! Do you like Japanese girl?
(It ALWAYS comes to this)

Yes, they are very nice.

oooooo.... so...which is better? Japanese girl or Canada girls??
(It ALWAYS comes to this next, and I'm nowhere near dumb enough to give a straight answer)

Well, I like fun girls, so I like both...

Really?!? Both? ... Do you play sex every night?

Actually, we say "have"...

(For a moment, he stares at me with a look of blank expectation)

/I shrug, and give in to the conversation. I show him the stickers on my phone.

"Tokyo Boy Friends Exchange"

恋人募集中 ("lover recruitment in progress")*

To me, these are funny for their shock-value. To him, they were enough to turn rumour into gospel. Sagely, he points to my crotch and nods.

It's very big, isn't it?

Um.... yeah... just promise me that you won't use that line on Western women, ok?




----------------------------------


I'm not sure what they teach these kids in Japanese high schools, but the English classes this guy has been taking seem to be entirely focused on making him a dirty, cock obsessed playboy with a love of exotic cultures and short skirts.

In the west, we rely on music videos for that important task.



English help:

1) Regarding introductions: asking questions about hobbies is par for the course here. If you want to introduce yourself naturally in English, try commenting on the situation, or something else you have in common. That's way more fun.

2) a look of blank expectation: he has no thoughts, but he's excited.

3) Shock-value: something that's effective because it's shocking. Like some of my posts, hopefully.

4) Turn rumour into gospel: Change something into commonly accepted truth.


* - Thanks again, Dave!

Mind over matter...in your pants!

While shopping in Tokyo's equivalent of Wal-Mart, Donki-hote (As I've written before, a horrible butchery of "Don Quixote"), I came across an item of clothing that seems designed to help a man feel more confident about his, well... member.

...er...more confident about his...you know...confidence...I mean...about his salute! Or his... flag staff.

Yes... down there!

AARGH.

THE SIZE OF HIS PENIS.


Ok... now that we're all on the same wavelength, we can start talking about that underwear. Specifically, a very interesting name for the underwear brand. I'm not sure I want to know the ego-crushing story that led some fellow to come up with this name, but I can only suspect that he was stopped at the gate, so to speak. Perhaps after being turned down right after pulling down his pants, our unknown product-designing hero vowed to never be caught with his pants down while his pants were down again.

So, he surely thought to himself.... how could he help build excitement with the ladies???


Well.... naming your underwear appropriately is a good start.



Bonus points for calling "13" a medium.


Now if only they could put a picture of Shaft on this, these underoos would be unstoppable. And they could use the money to launch a whole line of "Mind over matter" products, like "FULL WALLET" jeans or "ROLLS ROYCE OWNER" shirts.



Best bit of trivia: Despite the name of the product, they didn't bother to use a Black Man to pose for the box.

NSFW: How To Speak Sexy English

First of all, NSFW stands for “not safe for work”.


Thus, you can probably guess that this post won’t be very clean, seeing as reading it at work is probably grounds for losing your job. So, don’t read this at work. More specifically, don’t play the video.

Why?

Because this is a very rude post!

You shouldn't read it unless you already know or want to learn some very dirty English words.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve been teaching English for quite awhile. I think that I am a pretty good teacher, and about lessons are generally rather fun. I will admit, however, that next group of teachers taught such an interesting English lesson that other teachers will even be tempted to sign up.

Watch, enjoy, learn and grow as you see fit.

And by the way, that production was by far the most exciting way to ended in this lesson I’ve ever heard of.


So hold onto your virgin years, as I present to you...HOW TO SPEAK SEXY ENGLISH!

Language and Culture notes:

1) It’s spelled “mastUrbation”, not “mastErbation”.

2) I love that they censored the Japanese word for "Pussy", but not the Japanese word for "Cock". This in spite of the fact that they included a thirty second close-up shot of said (CENSORED).

3) I think they missed the mark with “cockpit”. I’d never heard of this used to describe anything other than the place where you drive an airplane from. I can see how they wanted to show a Pit (eg, a hole) is a good place to put a Cock, but I would have used two words (Cock Pit) and separated this metaphor from the other more widely used terms.

Back me up here, but if some girl told me to get to the "Cockpit" when when we weren’t on a plane, I'd think she was crazy. Mind you, if that girl lifted up her kilt and said “the goal to me in the complex!!!” most people would be able to figure out what she meant. So girls, don’t worry too much. If you show someone your underwear and say “Gargle me timbers and shiver the lasses!” or “Slinky My Cockpit!”, most guys will be able to figure it out.

/and girls complain that guys don’t understand subtle non-verbal communication. You just need to wear a kilt and demonstrate your intentions a little more clearly.

4) "Case of Taro" sounds a bit strange. Any of the following would be more grammatically accurate:

- Taro’s Story

- Taro’s Skit

- Taro’s Case

- Taro's Adventure In GaikokuPussyLand

- The Time That Taro Got Blown By His Teacher During Class...YEAH!!

5) The dialogue is spoken and transcribed a bit strangely. Here' s a revised script. My suggestions are in CAPITALS.

A: Hi Taro!

B: Hi Gloria, what’s up?

A: NOT MUCH…yeah… this is A /MY pussy

B: I see… this is A/MY dick.

A: IT’S A dick, not A cock, IS IT?

B: I'LL BE God Damned, you can say “Cock” too, CAN’T YOU?

I would say that “God Damned” is a bit strong for this situation. Maybe “Oh yeah, I forgot!” would be better).

A: All right, this is MY cockpit, isn’t it?

Cockpit: pussy, vagina, moist neither regions, bearded clam, whatever…. Cockpit is not so clear.

Isn’t it?: I think that she should have used falling intonation here instead of rising intonation. She isn’t asking him whether she just showed him her crotch… she’s telling him. So, “isn’t it.”

B: Yeah! I want to put MY COCK in(to) (there/you/your pussy)!

A: YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR dick inside MY pussy?

B: You are good at GIVING BLOW jobS, aren’t you?

(Dude!!! Why are you backpeddling??? She's so into you!!!)

A: Do you want to FIND OUT?

A & B: YEAH!

(This is exactly correct. When fooling around in English, people turn ninety degrees. Men turn to the right and women turn to the left. After this, both yell “YEAH!” immediately before any sexual activities.)

Overall, a well prepared lesson. Good elicitation and nice use of props and “realia”. Most of all, great job on student participation. Keep up the good work, and maybe bring another teacher to participate for the next lesson. That way, the class is sure to expand.

Language help for the language help:

/fortunately for me, most of the dirty words have already been explained...which is the point of this whole post.

Backpeddling: To go backwards, (as in pedal your bike backwards, or run backwards)... to back away from something you were headed towards before.

GaikokuPussyLand: "Gaijin" (outsider/foreigner) is actually quite a rude word in Japanese... "Gaikokujin" (person from another country) is considered much more polite. "Jin" means "person", so instead of person, I included a crass joke.

Insensitivity 101: Dangerous English

The job hazards related to teaching English are rather few and far between. Mostly, they are non-job related, and consist of such things as

1) Being semi regularly accosted by the police to make sure that you didn't steal the bicycle you are riding, and that you are in the country legally (3x to date).

2) Falling asleep on the train and going WAAAAY too far. (7x at least)

3) Being totally unable to express important thoughts like "Does it come in a light beige?" or "Where the hell does this bus go?" (A lot, but less common than a year ago)



To be honest, the sole hazards on the job as I have experienced them are mostly related to being accidentally insulted by students trying to make leaps of language.

Case and point was a while back when I asked my students to describe me, and the first one said..

"Umm....I think you're....chubby!"

All truthiness aside, this is still clearly not a good thing to say.

A related example came during a recent discussion of the health benefits of Japanese food. I pointed out that I have lost about 13kg since arriving, and thanked a combination of being more active and eating more healthily. One student nodded... then said sagely:

"Hmm... that IS interesting. You should lose another 13 kilograms."

While this...true, I did point out that it is generally considered rude to tell people to lose weight, regardless of whether or not they need to.


One of the best, though, came in a recent lesson on metaphors. I asked students to compare themselves to animals. They responded in kind, coming up with reasonable suggestions like cats, birds and bears. Then I asked them to think of one for me.

Student: (ponders....) I know! You are calm, thoughtful and you aren't...how do you say (waves hands frantically around)...
Me: Hectic? Busy?
Student: Yes! umm... you're like a ... COW!
Me: .... um....
Student: YES! You always take care when you correct us and that is thoughtful... like a Cow, right?
Me: Um...well... (writing "Cow" and "Bull" on the board)....first of all, "Cows" are female, and they are often associated with stupidity...


Of course, it's hard to be really insulted. I know that she was trying to be very flattering, and just got mixed up in the cultural connotations animals have. For example, Japanese people have a really hard time with "As quiet as a mouse", because mice are considered to be noisy and annoying here. In the end, it's my job as a teacher to make sure she doesn't get into any fistfights later in life.

And... I suppose Japanese people don't have the best impression of what cows are like...


But come on! It's still clearly a female cow. ... that's run out of Advil...


(I don't know if you can tell, but I'm ducking behind my keyboard here....)



ANYWAY... we're going to awkwardly segue into another common area for accidental insults: the fact that words can mean different things to British and North American speakers of English.

For example:

Harmless North American English story:
I had a rough time yesterday while running to catch a ride! I was headed out the door, and I caught my pants on the the knob! At first, I was pissed, but then I smiled, because I realized that I'd forgotten my fanny pack!


What it means to a North American:
I had a difficult time yesterday while running to catch my car-pool. I was headed out the door when I caught my jeans on the door handle. At first, I was angry, but then I smiled because I realized I'd forgotten my waist bag!


How it sounds to a British Person:
I had a rough time yesterday while running to have some sex. I was headed out the door, and I caught my women's underwear on the penis! At first, I was drunk, but then I smiled, because I realized that I'd forgotten my package of vaginas!

Photobucket Goes Puritan

Apparently, Photobucket hates culture, history, religion, and penises.

I hopped online to find this little gem.


From the Photobucket Terms of Service

Upload, email or otherwise transmit any User Content that is unlawful, obscene, harmful, threatening, defamatory or hateful or that contains objects or symbols of hate, invade the privacy of any third party, contain nudity or child erotica, or is otherwise objectionable. Photobucket.com does not control User Content of users' accounts and does not have any obligation to monitor such content for any purpose, however, Photobucket.com may chose to monitor such User Content any time in its sole discretion...

Apparently, this either falls into the categories of "obscene" or "threatening", depending on whether you just don't like partying with penises, or if you actually plan on mounting one.

Either way, I've re-uploaded the pics without calling the album a "penis party", and let's see how long it takes for them to take them down this time.


If you can see a seven foot penis, they haven't caught on yet.

Let's Kimchi - Sashimi Discussion! ...Round 2!!

I'm really enjoying this crazy-off. I hope you are too.

After all, I never could have imagined that anyone or anything would simultaneously steal the crown for freshness from the fish that was still breathing


(note: I'll order this again and get some video of it breathing...)

AND

steal the freaky freaky food pennant from the raw cod semen.



But, the Koreans did it with Nakji:



So, what other important categories can we compare?

How about best modern transportation/ancient shrine juxtaposition?

Japan...




Korea...



Perception of Westerners:

Japan: We Drink A Lot


Korea: We Drink A Lot




And what comparison would be complete without addressing Karaoke!?!? A staple for business and pleasure across Asia, no function is complete without horrifying pop culture destruction of timeless classics!

The Japanese have gone for the .... personal route.


On the other hand, the Koreans seem to think that having 90 people listen while an anonymous blogger butchers "Copa Cabana" is a good idea. (Seriously, I got talked into opening up the party in front of our CEO, and it went... poorly. All later redemption that came with a stand up five man "Uptown Girl" paled in comparison with my earlier suckage).



Of course, the K-folk had to make the requisite attempts at unintentional penis referencing...


Good effort!

In fact... the K-folk did VERY well by making a whole festival out of it!




But Let's Honesty! for a moment. Unintentionally challenging the Japanese to an "Unintentional Penis Referencing" contest is like challenging them to a rush hour train-packing contest.



You're going down in defeat, you're getting groped and there's not a bloody thing you can do about it. This contest was over before it even began. Japan wrote the book on penis festivals, then jerked off to the centerfold with a six foot foam penis.









Now, to be fair, I have to concede that Japan has a huge edge here. After all, I had a scant three days in Korea, compared to more than a year in Japan so far.

Then again, no matter how long I spent in Korea, I think I'd be hard pressed to find stuff as insane as this:



or find a chance to dress up like this:




Still.... I gotta give the makers of Kim Chi credit.

Korea is an amazing place.





And just strange enough to keep me happy.






They even share something called "Wa", which I have great capacity to disturb.



To be honest, I felt that my time there went by far to quickly.



Both Japan and Korea are crazy, interesting, and well worth the trip.


Hmm... what does this post need now? um.... AH! Cue Melodramatic music....

I highly recommend a vacation (or more) somewhere in the world that isn't at all like your home. Our world is a crazy place, and I firmly believe it will do anyone good to see more of it. It's amazing, different, and eye opening. There's something for everyone, and a place for everyone to be king.




So if you travel, keep a smile on your face for everyone. After all, there's something super in all of us.





...


Ah, shit. Let's have one more classic from the kawasaki cock fest.

Hey, Hey! Ho, Ho! This Penis Party's Got To Go

If you can name the movie from whence the title of this post comes, then you are indeed, a wicked consumer of awesome 90s movies.

Anyway, I am still behind in my postings, so there is much drama to come. I remain committed to sharing my lunacy with all (both) of you, dear readers, so hold on tight.

One of the most infamous things to come out of "crazy japan", after tentacle porn and high definition TV, is the "Festival of the Iron Penis".

Yes, its actually called "the Festival of the Iron Penis" and if you've ever watched any shows with titles like "shocking asia!" or seen pictures of strange japanese girls riding 30 foot penises, well... it all comes from a one day festival held in Kawasaki on the first sunday in April. Legends vary, and are all poorly translated, but as best I can make out...

Many years ago , some demon got the hots for some girl. She wouldn't marry him, though, because she was a prude or he had BO .. or he was a demon... one of those. So, he secretly crawled up into her bizness (that would be "reproductive tract" for those of you keeping track). Now, this girl, sadly, decided that it would be better just to pretend this didn't happen and not tell her new husband about this little factoid. (I think theres a "disclose your STD status" metaphor there somewhere.)

Anyway, when they came to the wedding bed to consumate their marriage, the demon decided that it was Lorena Bobbit Time, and made short work of his wedding tackle.

<CHOMP!>

This of course, led to the dissolution of their marriage on grounds of "irreconcilable differences", and probably a healthy trip around the daytime talk circut. Some time later, she managed to get herself another man (who really, really needed to do his research and/or watch some cable TV). This guy decided to look before he lept though, and figured out that labia are not usually possessed of razor sharp teeth, no matter how rough your lady-gums are.

uh. sorry for that.

Anyway... this guy proved to be something of a genius, and fashioned what was probably the worlds first Big Ol' Black Dildo with which to go to work on his missus. The demon mistranslated the phrase "man of steel", and took it entirely out of context. Biting down on the iron rod, the demon promptly shattered his teeth and, by extension, demonsculinity. The young couple lived happily ever after, although rumours that he never really "got" to her G spot hounded our hero for the rest of his life.

Since then, people have decided that the penis has healing powers, and prostitutes used to frequent the penis to pray for protection from sexually transmitted diseases. After all, nothing cures syphilis like a good dicking, right???

Thus, to this day, many men and women throughout Japan celebrate this legend by sporting totally wrecked teeth...

er... delete delete delete....

Thus, to this day, many men and women flock to kawasaki once a year to clebrate the Iron Penis Festival.


In modern times, they have a rock band, sell penis candy and drink white-tinged (salty tasting...) sake.

Here are some pics for your enjoyment.

The Iron Penis is carried by Men in Drag, to represent the prostitutes of yore.



Really.




They also have this great pink one, in case you aren't sure what they're celebrating...





This penis party also has some vendors selling things like suggestive, hand made candy.




And clearly labled instruction manuals!!





I can also tell you that the penis party had opportunities for me...

a 73% bigger erection for example...




and a strange beverage that I will never speak of again (after making this image publicly available on the intarweb)




In any case... I will leave you with a photo of a young japanese boy who is allowing himself to reach for his dreams...






Cheers!

/ps - the movie you're looking for is called "PCU".