Saturday, April 15, 2006

Hey, Hey! Ho, Ho! This Penis Party's Got To Go

If you can name the movie from whence the title of this post comes, then you are indeed, a wicked consumer of awesome 90s movies.

Anyway, I am still behind in my postings, so there is much drama to come. I remain committed to sharing my lunacy with all (both) of you, dear readers, so hold on tight.

One of the most infamous things to come out of "crazy japan", after tentacle porn and high definition TV, is the "Festival of the Iron Penis".

Yes, its actually called "the Festival of the Iron Penis" and if you've ever watched any shows with titles like "shocking asia!" or seen pictures of strange japanese girls riding 30 foot penises, well... it all comes from a one day festival held in Kawasaki on the first sunday in April. Legends vary, and are all poorly translated, but as best I can make out...

Many years ago , some demon got the hots for some girl. She wouldn't marry him, though, because she was a prude or he had BO .. or he was a demon... one of those. So, he secretly crawled up into her bizness (that would be "reproductive tract" for those of you keeping track). Now, this girl, sadly, decided that it would be better just to pretend this didn't happen and not tell her new husband about this little factoid. (I think theres a "disclose your STD status" metaphor there somewhere.)

Anyway, when they came to the wedding bed to consumate their marriage, the demon decided that it was Lorena Bobbit Time, and made short work of his wedding tackle.


This of course, led to the dissolution of their marriage on grounds of "irreconcilable differences", and probably a healthy trip around the daytime talk circut. Some time later, she managed to get herself another man (who really, really needed to do his research and/or watch some cable TV). This guy decided to look before he lept though, and figured out that labia are not usually possessed of razor sharp teeth, no matter how rough your lady-gums are.

uh. sorry for that.

Anyway... this guy proved to be something of a genius, and fashioned what was probably the worlds first Big Ol' Black Dildo with which to go to work on his missus. The demon mistranslated the phrase "man of steel", and took it entirely out of context. Biting down on the iron rod, the demon promptly shattered his teeth and, by extension, demonsculinity. The young couple lived happily ever after, although rumours that he never really "got" to her G spot hounded our hero for the rest of his life.

Since then, people have decided that the penis has healing powers, and prostitutes used to frequent the penis to pray for protection from sexually transmitted diseases. After all, nothing cures syphilis like a good dicking, right???

Thus, to this day, many men and women throughout Japan celebrate this legend by sporting totally wrecked teeth...

er... delete delete delete....

Thus, to this day, many men and women flock to kawasaki once a year to clebrate the Iron Penis Festival.

In modern times, they have a rock band, sell penis candy and drink white-tinged (salty tasting...) sake.

Here are some pics for your enjoyment.

The Iron Penis is carried by Men in Drag, to represent the prostitutes of yore.

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They also have this great pink one, in case you aren't sure what they're celebrating...

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This penis party also has some vendors selling things like suggestive, hand made candy.

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And clearly labled instruction manuals!!

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I can also tell you that the penis party had opportunities for me...

a 73% bigger erection for example...

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and a strange beverage that I will never speak of again (after making this image publicly available on the intarweb)

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In any case... I will leave you with a photo of a young japanese boy who is allowing himself to reach for his dreams...

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/ps - the movie you're looking for is called "PCU".

1 comment:

D-Ho said...

Dude - the most serious case of a cultural oddity... i think i was going along with it all until the photo of you drinking the imitation jizz / unfiltered sake.

Thanks for the insights though