Dear Japan,

You know I love you. I have come to care for you very deeply, and you will always remain very special to me. You know, we shared a lot over this past year and a half, and I hate to write you like this, but perhaps its easier for both of us. I put this letter off for a long time, thinking that you would just go away, but I just can't forget you. So I know this might hurt, but I have to say a few things.

You have a lot of good things going for you. Takuya, for example, will always be there for you. He is a wonderful and hilarious man, and he will take good care of making sure that you don't stay out of too much trouble.

You'll always be able to take solace in the Heinan Gardens in Kyoto, which are amazingly beautiful. Try not to let them get too much sun, will you?











The concrete Toriis - ah, they are interesting. One never knows what will happen when you walk through them. This little gate, for example, leads to one of the most controversial religious sites in the entire world! Remember how a single politician's visit sparked controversy across Asia? It sure doesn't look all that controversial from the outside....





Still - I'm so glad I visited these places while we were spending time together. I spend quite a bit of time considering the historical debate that this place ignites among your citizens (quietly, and with respectful aims towards consensus, of course!) and around the world.

Of course, you aren't afraid of public opinion at all, are you? Perhaps that is part of your charm, that you can be so fascinated with cultures from around the world - yet quietly refuse to bow to even the most torrential international pressure.

(Whale restaurant, anyone?)

Also, I have to tell you that you can sometimes drink a bit too much sake. This can bring out bad behaviour in your friends.


Of course, one of the things I like best about you is your beauty. There is something magical about the marks your citizens have made on the earth.


Thousands of years or thousands of pounds of steel and concrets - you've built some amazing things. In fact, some of them are stacked on top of each other!

Of course, no one is perfect. You have a few really serious fetishes that are a bit much.

Neon, for example. Someone needs to find the Tokyo neon sign guy and chain him up. Just for one week of the year. Please?

Furthermore, you have a shoe fetish that makes the entire cast of "Sex in the City" look like sensible women with a small number of comfortable shoes.

You also have that whole semi-porno cartoon thing going on. Which is cool and all - we all have our private lives - but do you really have to advertise it (and READ it) on the train?



Especially when any self-respecting businessman can so easily blow a week's salary at a hostess bar that provides ACTUAL, live, giggling girls that pour his drinks for him? I mean, you have about ten near every train station, so maybe you could open up a cartoon-porn-reading nook or something? What's that? You have those and they're called "comic book stores?".

Oh well. At least the hostess clubs believe in truthful advertising.

And you take care of them, too! You even have a place for those well paid hostesses to unwind over drinks poured by pretty boys with 70 000 yen haircuts.



So, you know that I love you, Japan. But, as with any pile of sashimi, stack of 1000 yen notes or year and a half of international adventure, all things must eventually come to a close. My time with you has been wonderful, educational, shocking (for both of us, I suppose) and more interesting than I ever hoped it could have been.

I learned several new languages (spoken Japanese, written Japanese, drunken businessman Japanese), made many new friends, and learned an entirely new set of cultural cues. (bow-lock anybody?)

Still, I had to leave you.

Why? Well, I found someone else, you see. Yes, I did know her all along, but now things are getting serious, and you just can't come between us any more.

Cheesy, silly, ridiculous love. You offered a life of adventure, Japan, but at the end of the day I'm going to come home instead. This love is good stuff – I suggest you try it some time. I’ll let you know how the whole marriage thing works out too– most likley with fewer offensive videos.

Anyway, I just wanted to write and let you know that I'm doing well. I'm sure you've got lots of boys that will give you the attention you crave.

I'll think of you often, I promise. Don't worry about me. I'll find some new adventures.

Tokyo, I'll miss ya. Don't offend too many people without me.

I took one last picture of you, from the bus on the way to the airport. I hope you don't mind.

PS: Write back soon.

Ancient History: All Your Base

First, let me set the scene with a few short pictures.

A picture story, if you will.


1) You know already that this won't end well.



2) Modus Operandi (It's Latin -> definition)


3) One of these things is not like the others.... one of these things just isn't the same...


4) You Have No Chance. Make Your Time.


5) What You Say?



What possessed me to plant an internet reference on the roof of this building, you ask?

Well, apart from suitably honouring what might be the greatest engrish translation ever to grace a 16 bit game console, I think it is important to preserve ancient cultural treasures. As such, I am entirely willing to part with some of my hard earned cash if I know it's going for a good cause, such as maintaining the roof. On the other hand, the definition of "ancient" works differently on the internet. On the net, "ancient" is about 1997. So, I thought it was important to preserve some ancient internet history in a place that has cultural relevance in the real world.

Yeah.

Moral High Ground.

I just claimed it to justify quoting a video game on a tile for a temple with a 1300 year history.


/hey. We paid, ok?
----------------------------------------------------


Anyway, if you aren't familiar with "All Your Base Are Belong To Us", it is a quote taken from an old Sega Genesis Video Game called "Zero Wing". I remember this from the days when the internet first started out as a place where a bunch of guys got their jollies by pretending to be girls in dirty chat rooms. It was one of the first internet phenomena, and the infamous phrase was inserted into a huge number of images made famous by various forwards. These images are all a little dated, but I don't doubt that you'll recognize many of them.

Throw in a nice techno sound track and you have a bit of internet history. One that now graces the roof of a famous historical building.

Enjoy.

Good Geisha, Scary Geisha

Geishas are one of the wonderful stereotypes of Japanese mythology. Recently, I've had a chance to enjoy some exciting times with some very different Geishas.

For example, "The Geisha" at Fujiyu highland. She is both a good Geisha, and a very, very naughty Geisha. You know... the slutty kind that tie their kimonos in the front.


I first saw this rolling monstrosity of a Japanese lady some time back, while she was still in her Maiko (apprentice/training/construction) phase.




At the time, I had no idea where the bloody train would go on a loop that seemed to leave no way for the train not to violently throw people out of the cars....



Ah.... this is where "the brilliance" comes in. I say "the brilliance" because these folk have taken the whole "suspended" roller coaster to a whole new level. In fact, this crazy girl flips you upside down FOURTEEN TIMES!

How? Well, by mounting the cars on the side of the tracks, rather than on top or below, the chairs are freed to spin in any direction. To keep you from being blasted out of your seatbelt while facing the wrong way on a loop-de-loop, the coaster rides on two sets of tracks. The distance between the two sets controls the angle of the cars.





Yeah.... it's pretty incredible.



Genius.





Oh, and did I mention the coaster also features a ninety degree drop?



...

One that you do FACE FIRST.




But you don't need to take my word about how much fun the ride is. You see, I was sure to have a handy fun-o-meter handy: A friend with big hair.



In other words, "Big" Fun.

She's a Good Geisha, but also a scary Geisha.

Right team?



YEAH!!!



Bonus points if you spotted the fact that someone went missing from the "YEAH" pose.


I suppose you feel pretty bad about opening up a post about Geishas and getting something about roller coasters.


Hmmm... maybe some off kilter English






Still not satisfied, are you?



Stay tuned.

Best Summer Ever

So, sometimes people come up with adjectives that don't realllly match the thing they are describing.

Take "Summer" for example. Summer is "Hot", "Sticky" and "Fun". So, I suppose people basically felt that any adjective that describes a hot, fun time is appropriate for summer.

Hmm... this occasionally goes.... wrong.




Want to see it live? CLICK!!!!!!!

I love it when my spirits are raised and the city comes energetically. It's so throbbingly hot. I'm not sure what bon-odori is, but I'm pretty sure it means "naked and sweaty"

Tentacles: A Cultural Legacy

One of the most interesting facts about living in Japan is things that might have seemed strange to you once upon a time suddenly become commonplace. Things like having enough confidence in your grocer to buy raw fish and eat it without any sort of "cooking" crap. Or getting on a train butt-first, because that's the only way to make room for yourself...or even coffee misnomers.



(er... how can it be straight, and still have milk?)


Perhaps the strangest thing I've gotten used to out here is the prevalance of tentacles. Seriously... becoming comforable with tentacles as a lifestyle choice has been a big thing for me.

For example: I didn't deem anything here out of the ordinary the first few times I walked by this shop:



Seriously... take another look at these delicious snacks...



Corn Dogs, Corn, and Squid-On-A-Stick.


I smiled a bit, but didn't think squid-on-a-stick strange enough to actually buy one.


Oh Japan. You and your crazy tentacles have way too much fun. Ever since that Katsushika Hokusai guy back in the Edo era went on a crazy creative trip and laid the seeds for so much modern edu-tainment. Not only did he give us cultural treasures like "36 views of Mt. Fuji", but he also invented the word "manga" and painted the worlds' first "fisherwoman-tentacle-porn-threesome", over 200 years ago!



...


I'm not making this up.






PS: This is a censored version. If you want to see the *real* deal, and the history of this image, in all it's tentacley, 1820s grandeur... click here.

Pub: A Misnomer

Although English is quite common around Japan, it often doesn't mean quite what you think it means. Usually, you can puzzle it out. If you're lucky, the fuzziness in the meaning comes from the fact that an unintentional (dirty) pun has been made. But... you can still understand what they meant to say.




Intentional meaning: Please don't come here to stare at women, you pervert. This is a WOMEN'S clothing store!
Accidental Filth: You can take her from behind, or take her on the table...but if you aren't regularly humping that chick (preferably RIGHT NOW) you aren't welcome here, buddy.

On the other hand, sometimes the vocabulary is used in a totally unconnected manner.

For example:

PUB
SNACK
CAFE
BAR

To me, these are harmless words that involve food and drink.

Here in Japan, you'll find out very quickly that the menu at the "PUB" is quite different from what you are expecting.

These establishments might give you an idea what to expect.



In case you need some help reading between those lines, these words all refer to "hostess clubs". I like to describe hostess clubs as "emotional strip clubs". You see, rather than paying good looking women to take off their clothes, customers pay good looking women to laugh at their jokes, pour their drinks, and generally make the paying men feel like they are loved and wanted. I'd like to think that this practice draws something from the tradition of geishas as entertainers for hire, who use their talents in conversation and performance to entertain men. Then again, they also bear a strong resemblance to "hookers that play nice".



THIS STORY IS QUITE DIRTY. It is not suitable for work, or for my mother. Mother, you can go now.


For the record: I have a VERY limited number of experiences (ie. one) with hostess clubs. And that experience...was not so good.

A few friends and I managed to stumble into one by accident while looking for a "BAR", after the bouncer promised us 3000 yen for all-you-can-drink. Of course, this is all YOU can drink. The women push you to buy THEM drinks, which is how they make their money. Even though my drunken haze was so thick I could have cut it with a dull spork, I remember one thing:

A very large, very Russian woman plopped herself down on my lap and said "You give 3000 yen, we go."

A few thoughts rushed through my drunken mind, things like

I don't know where this train is going, but I want to get off. No... not THAT get off. Stupid brain... the "escape" form of get off.... gah. 3000 yen? What, does she make it up on volume?!?... Volume!? ewww... ok... AAargh... say something ... anything....alright brain...let's get this crazy chick off of us...

"NO WAY! Get off of me!!!".

After this, I was tenderly - and probably deservedly - escorted (you might say "tossed") out of the bar by one of the large bouncers, who have much less tolerance for drunk people after they choose not to spend 3000 yen on a Jumbo Russian Take Out Special.



Special thanks to Hana, who sent me the top picture while being...taken...to the store(?)... and who will probably be displeased that her pic was posted in a chat about hookers for the mind.

Compotabilty Conspiracy? Let's Go Down!

Ever since a friend of mine spent 2000 yen trying to win an "English Dictionaly" from a UFO catcher, I have admitted the possibility that the writers of some of the hystierical Engrish around me are laughing too. Are we simply falling victim to a massive linguistic conspiracy? Perhaps I am being totally outsmarted by people who might not know how to form a fully correct English sentence, but who certainly know how to form a highly amusing *incorrect* sentence.

Take this video game console for example:



A friend spotted it in Daiei, and you'd better believe that a few thousand yen loosened themselves in my wallet in preparation to fight for this linguistic treasure. Imagine it: a video game console that manages to be inclusive (EVERYBODY!!), instead of judgemental and mocking because you suck at dodgeball. (ahem)... AND....wonderful chance.... EVERYBODY GETS OFF! Ah, geekdom! They've even thrown in an incorrect "Let's" to seal the deal! Rejoice, for your salvation is only a few thousand yen of UFO clawing power away...

Oh! Glorious Temptationing!

(shakes self off...)

So, you see how a well placed "Get off" can make a product so much more desirable to the English consumer.

And then... much like the oft-clutched-at prize, this idea slips between my inept, underpowered mechanical fingers. Assuming that there is a language conspiracy is pretty freaking self-centered.

I honestly feel that marketers simply don't care. They phrase things in ways that they know the Japanese consumer will understand (eg 95% of the market), rather than trying to sneakily con the other 5% (is it even that high?). I don't deny that a few savvy marketers have probably managed to kill those two very different sized birds with a few well placed dirty double entendres, but I have to believe that this is the exception, not the norm.

To boot, my belief in a hyperliterate english-abusing Japanese marketing elite "takes blow" (A!! A!!) every time I teach a lesson on "Phrasal Verbs"
that goes horribly, horribly wrong.


"The other day, I ate out my parents!" (ate out WITH!)

"I came into Masa yesterday" (RAN into!)

Adam Sensei: Come on Keiko! Come on Keiko! Let's go!!!
4 year old Keiko: Come on...me? (GAK!!!)




And... besides.... those UFO prizes are all made in China.

... those guys LOVE a good conspiracy!

Self Esteem: Now 50% less!

I'm a big fan of crazy English, and crazyness in general, so I wanted to share a wonderful "little" place with you.

In what has probably become my favourite bit of town, Sakuragicho, head to the World Porters building. It's about about a 10 minute walk from the station - head towards the giant ferris wheel. Look for the giant building that looks like...uh...this:



The whole building is worth a shop, but I particularly enjoyed the fifth floor, the "Broadway Avenue Floor". Here, you'll find lots of wonderful little crazy shops. Fair warning: most of the clothes in these shops are in Japanese sizes, so bring a fair bit of confidence or a smaller friend if you want to buy anything. Still... it's worth wandering.



After all, you wouldn't want to pass up the chance to see about a fashion store that might as well be called "Slutty Susan".

Loosy Lou not only encourages whoring, but also fails horribly in most of its attempts to be "cheerful", despite liberal use of "YEAH! and fluffy bunnies.



YEAH! See our family to realize As it's all running down! Fill your head all full of lies!!!


The back of the shirt isn't too shabby either, as it also matches fluffy bunnies with soul draining insanity.




Overall, it's a wildly optimistic store.




After all that soul-draining, you might want something to cheer you up. Don't worry. They've got you covered next door...



Golden Jesus lights up your life, you know.


Oh, and if you aren't into gramatically challenged depression or God-kitsch, you can always play mini golf on the roof. The view is fantastic, and 18 holes of crazy fun are only 800 yen.







And...you always know what time it is!





Still, if golf isn't your thing... I guess you could....


Get your ears cleaned?!?!


This shop is on the 6th floor of World Porters.... ready with immaculately clean people armed with face masks, q-tips and barbers' chairs. Dave and I were running late, and had no time for even the 1000 yen "basic" cleaning... but if anyone else heads out there before I do, please snag some pics and report back!









* Sorry, is my "Geek" showing?