illegallity for your amusement and education

The transit system in Japan is amazing, and I've written many times that it is a model of how density can improve your life.

But what if you've forgotten your wallet? What if you had no money? In a car based society, one could hitchhike, or beg the bus driver to let you on. Here in Japan, hitchhiking for the train is not so effective....and the bus drivers...well...they don't speak English so well, so "begging" doesn't work.

So, for your education, dear reader, several friends and I engaged in an academic exercise...

HOW TO CHEAT THE TRAIN SYSTEM
(Four Handy Methods and One Disclaimer)


There are several main schools of thought about the best way to engage in this activity (sport?).

SCHOOL ONE: Don't do this.

The first school of thought suggests quite clearly that this is an illegal activity, and you can probably be sent to pounding-you-in-the-behind-by-a-sumo-wrestler prison if you do it too often. Anyway... the penalties are quite severe (so stay tuned!) After all, you are making use of the service, so... I seriously suggest that you buy a ticket. Er...and do remember that cameras have been mounted at all of the station gates...so you may get booked if you use this knowledge for the cause of evil.

Of course, unless you feel like making funny videos while you wait for a friend. Then... well... go to town.

SCHOOL TWO: Clueless Drunken Foreigner Bash Through Style

This is probably the most widely used form of train-gate missing. It quite simply means "walking through the gate" and giving your best "I'm a stupid foreigner and I don't know how to work this crazy Japanese stuff" look to any train staff you make eye contact with. They will usually decide that you are too much effort to deal with and wave you through.

It looks like this:



I've used this trick a few times (*almost* exclusively by accident). It works better the less you shave and the more confused you look.


SCHOOL THREE: Super Samurai Somersault Style

I think the name pretty much says it all. This method can be used in two ways. You can either try to barrel through as fast as possible and hope that the gate doesn't bash you in the face. Or... you can strategically note the placement of the sensor beams, cover them, and edge your way through until you think you can jump through before the electronic senors realize that the jig is up. Good, except during rush hour.



For the record, this style is known to be 70% more effective if you provide your own "Mission Impossible" Soundtrack.

EDIT: Some folks have complained of video trouble with this one, so I've reloaded and reposted for your repeated enjoyment.




SCHOOL FOUR: 2 - for - 1 Fire Man Carry Bonus Style

This one is more about strategy than physical prowess, though it takes a slight amount of technique. The trick is to balance one train customer on top of the other so you can use a single ticket. This makes your subterfuge less noticeable, as you will not set off the alarm trigger. On the other hand, you will clearly be carrying someone else. Try it if the guard is sleeping.





SCHOOL FIVE: SUPER TURBO SECRET LONG JUMPING STYLE

This is probably the most satisfying method to use. In it, you attempt to clear the gates in a single bound, avoiding the sensors and thereby winning glory for your entire deadbeat family (you rapscallion). If you manage to limit the size of your hop, you can probably get this done without alerting the station staff. It'll just between you and the maker, so start thinking about whether your eternal soul is really worth 130 yen. Well? Is it?

Here, Ben Sensei answers with a firm "no".



Oh... and stay tuned for the heavy handed response at the end from the station staff. He really fixes Ben good for using their property as a metaphorical transit chew-toy.



Ok, it's poll time... what's in his head?



1) Take that, foreign hooligans!!! It's my shakey hand! You'd better say "sorry" in Japanese or else....

2) Thank you very much for not jumping repeatedly through the gates for the past twenty five minutes!

3) I. hate. this. job.

4) Phew... what's that smell???

5) Look... I know I failed out of cop school...but seriously...where did life go wrong?




I'm open to suggestions, either for the "what's going through the station staffer's mind"... or for other academics' thoughts on this fine art.

The "Advertising Created With A Dartboard" Department Presents....

Time for a simple test:

Shinjuku is:

a) A city in Japan

b) Part of Tokyo

c) A "New Hotel"

d) all of the above


DRESS UP is:

a) An advertising campaign

b) Mr. The best children's show EVER.

c)

and


d) all of the above.


MYLORD is

a) An upscale department store

b) an expression of surprise.

c)


d) all of the above.


The Pig is

a) Probably a lot more effective in this ad than I am giving him/her/it credit for.

b) Supposed to be representative of high class customers

c) Advertising clothing...naked.

d) all of the above.

Bonus points:

e) Also displayed on a huge four story sign in what is probably the busiest commuter district in the world.









Answers: All of the answers are correct. You Win.

rebooked

i got pulled over again by a cop while biking last night! fortunately it was the same cop as last time, and he certainly remembered the sweaty white dude with the big grin and the abundance of hand gestures. he sent me on my merry way with a smile and an admonition to make sure that my light was on (it hadnt been).

unfortunately, im getting overconfident. i passed the cops again tonight, and i stopped just long enough to pull out my alien card and wave it at them from across the street. after that, i flashed a big thumbs up, yelled "konbanwa!!!" (good evening!!!) and took off on my bike without a look back.

in retrospect, its a damn good thing the cops didnt give chase!

Its the Lack-of-sensitivity Hoe-down!

So, fellow teacher and rabble rouser Sophie and I spent Sunday carousing around a part of Tokyo called Ueno. For proper pronunciation guide (as per the railway conductor), make a sound like you are about to be sick, then add “no”. Ueno has a great many cultural treasures, like national Japanese museums of modern art, classical art, science and history.

Fortunately for the patrons of those upstanding institutions, Ueno also has a zoo. With monkeys.

…

Anyway, on the way to the zoo, there are also a few interesting cultural treasures. Like a huge statue to a guy we can call “Samurai Hindsight’s-a-Bitch”. He started out supporting the imperial forces against the shogun, but ended up ritually disemboweling himself in protest when the emperor revoked the rights of the samurai class. OOpsy. Anyway, he got a nice statue out of the deal, so I figure... it's all good.






Hrmm…. The zoo had lots of fun stuff. Like Ling-Ling, the famous panda that they pimped around the world.

They also had about 839339 places to take photos. Like this panda that I enjoyed molesting!




Oh, and some aptly named penguins.





Hmm…. In other news, if Shintoists (Buddhists???) were like fundamentalist Muslims or fundamentalist Christians and issued official “bitch slap notices” (that would be “fatwas” and “republican legislation” respectively… ). I would probably get one for doing this.



In fact, they would probably have this crazy rhoided out stone lion deliver said “bitch slap notices".




Don’t worry… I made amends by giving them a shout-out at the shrine next door. You can drop 500 yen on a little wooden plaque and write a nice message to the spirits on it.





We’ll close out the post by giving a shout out to one of my old flames from last week… the slutty pachinko bikini girl! Sophie’s careful eye spotted our barefoot Japanese girlfriend and boyfriend (she called shotgun on the guy with the purple speedo) as we passed the pachinko parlour. This time, (un)fortunately, they were wearing much more than last time.

I decided to say hello.