3) One of these things is not like the others.... one of these things just isn't the same...
4) You Have No Chance. Make Your Time.
5) What You Say?
What possessed me to plant an internet reference on the roof of this building, you ask?
Well, apart from suitably honouring what might be the greatest engrish translation ever to grace a 16 bit game console, I think it is important to preserve ancient cultural treasures. As such, I am entirely willing to part with some of my hard earned cash if I know it's going for a good cause, such as maintaining the roof. On the other hand, the definition of "ancient" works differently on the internet. On the net, "ancient" is about 1997. So, I thought it was important to preserve some ancient internet history in a place that has cultural relevance in the real world.
Yeah.
Moral High Ground.
I just claimed it to justify quoting a video game on a tile for a temple with a 1300 year history.
/hey. We paid, ok? ----------------------------------------------------
Anyway, if you aren't familiar with "All Your Base Are Belong To Us", it is a quote taken from an old Sega Genesis Video Game called "Zero Wing". I remember this from the days when the internet first started out as a place where a bunch of guys got their jollies by pretending to be girls in dirty chat rooms. It was one of the first internet phenomena, and the infamous phrase was inserted into a huge number of images made famous by various forwards. These images are all a little dated, but I don't doubt that you'll recognize many of them.
Throw in a nice techno sound track and you have a bit of internet history. One that now graces the roof of a famous historical building.
So, sometimes people come up with adjectives that don't realllly match the thing they are describing.
Take "Summer" for example. Summer is "Hot", "Sticky" and "Fun". So, I suppose people basically felt that any adjective that describes a hot, fun time is appropriate for summer.
I love it when my spirits are raised and the city comes energetically. It's so throbbingly hot. I'm not sure what bon-odori is, but I'm pretty sure it means "naked and sweaty"
Garbage cans in Japan have a certain etiquette, or set of manners, that you need to follow. For example, one important social custom is: Please place the garbage in the can.
Now, a garbage bin I saw relayed the background for why we do this, but I can't quite figure out whether the reasoning is...
Please do not eat the garbage, as this is why we have provided the can.
or Please dispose of your garbage here. If you leave it out, wild crazy people with two teeth will come and eat it during the night.
The garbage cans are also quick to offer tips on the proper method of disposal.
The one on the right means: Look chump, you are not Zidane, Ronaldo, or even David Beckham. Maybe you played little league football/soccer, and you were a hero to tens of your immediate family members, but you do not (repeat: *YOU DO NOT*) have the necessary talent to kick your garbage through this little hole. So, just drop it in nicely, ok??? Good. Now get over to the Squid-On-A-Stick stand and spend some freakin' money.
or maybe it's "Don't kick the garbage".
It's one of those. But in either case, you are encouraged to break wind with impunity.
Garbage cans also have guidelines for which sporting events are considered appropriate. For instance, this can symbolizes the fifth hole of the International One-Armed-Persons Nippon Trash Bash Open.
Mostly, I want to know where I can get a physics-defying golf club that launches garbage in the direction OPPOSITE the one I swing. Imagine how much fun you could have at the driving range freaking out the people behind you.
I'm a big fan of crazy English, and crazyness in general, so I wanted to share a wonderful "little" place with you.
In what has probably become my favourite bit of town, Sakuragicho, head to the World Porters building. It's about about a 10 minute walk from the station - head towards the giant ferris wheel. Look for the giant building that looks like...uh...this:
The whole building is worth a shop, but I particularly enjoyed the fifth floor, the "Broadway Avenue Floor". Here, you'll find lots of wonderful little crazy shops. Fair warning: most of the clothes in these shops are in Japanese sizes, so bring a fair bit of confidence or a smaller friend if you want to buy anything. Still... it's worth wandering.
After all, you wouldn't want to pass up the chance to see about a fashion store that might as well be called "Slutty Susan".
Loosy Lou not only encourages whoring, but also fails horribly in most of its attempts to be "cheerful", despite liberal use of "YEAH! and fluffy bunnies.
YEAH! See our family to realize As it's all running down! Fill your head all full of lies!!!
The back of the shirt isn't too shabby either, as it also matches fluffy bunnies with soul draining insanity.
Overall, it's a wildly optimistic store.
After all that soul-draining, you might want something to cheer you up. Don't worry. They've got you covered next door...
Golden Jesus lights up your life, you know.
Oh, and if you aren't into gramatically challenged depression or God-kitsch, you can always play mini golf on the roof. The view is fantastic, and 18 holes of crazy fun are only 800 yen.
And...you always know what time it is!
Still, if golf isn't your thing... I guess you could....
Get your ears cleaned?!?! This shop is on the 6th floor of World Porters.... ready with immaculately clean people armed with face masks, q-tips and barbers' chairs. Dave and I were running late, and had no time for even the 1000 yen "basic" cleaning... but if anyone else heads out there before I do, please snag some pics and report back!
The other night, I was studying Japanese in Shibuya while waiting for my fellow all night dance party revelers. Of course, studying Japanese in public is an easy ice breaker for young J-folk who want to talk to foreigners (ie, study english and/or make dirty jokes).
So, of course, a group of high school boys noticed me studying. Eventually, one of them mustered the courage to ask a question (in Japanese) "You speak Japanese?"
"I can speak a little." I said. "But I need to study more." (This is both the appropriately modest answer and the unfortunate truth)
Thus, an opening was made, and a flurry of increasingly personal questions followed. Asking questions about hobbies and interests is the standard introduction method here in Japan. When people meet, it's usually five minutes of a predictable Question and Answer format. Unfortunately, the best questions came into use around 1962, and people have just been recycling them ever since.
So, how long stay in Japan?
Um... about 15 months. How about you? (I always ask this)
hahah.... I'm high school student. What's your favourite food in Japan?
I like sushi. I eat it three or four times a week.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh? Three times?
Yep. I love it...
(insert the standard few questions about our favourite fish (Eel, Salmon) and Restaurants (Midori) .... Where are you from?
I'm from Toronto, in Canada. Do you know of it?
Ahhh.... Toront. I want to go.
To Toron-to. Yes, it's very wonderful. (Japanese folk know that the "to" character at the end of the word usually represents "t", so they always drop the "o" a the end of "Toronto")
Wow! Do you like Japanese girl? (It ALWAYS comes to this)
Yes, they are very nice.
oooooo.... so...which is better? Japanese girl or Canada girls?? (It ALWAYS comes to this next, and I'm nowhere near dumb enough to give a straight answer)
Well, I like fun girls, so I like both...
Really?!? Both? ... Do you play sex every night?
Actually, we say "have"...
(For a moment, he stares at me with a look of blank expectation)
/I shrug, and give in to the conversation. I show him the stickers on my phone.
"Tokyo Boy Friends Exchange"
恋人募集中 ("lover recruitment in progress")*
To me, these are funny for their shock-value. To him, they were enough to turn rumour into gospel. Sagely, he points to my crotch and nods.
It's very big, isn't it?
Um.... yeah... just promise me that you won't use that line on Western women, ok?
----------------------------------
I'm not sure what they teach these kids in Japanese high schools, but the English classes this guy has been taking seem to be entirely focused on making him a dirty, cock obsessed playboy with a love of exotic cultures and short skirts.
In the west, we rely on music videos for that important task.
English help:
1) Regarding introductions: asking questions about hobbies is par for the course here. If you want to introduce yourself naturally in English, try commenting on the situation, or something else you have in common. That's way more fun.
2) a look of blank expectation:he has no thoughts, but he's excited.
3) Shock-value: something that's effective because it's shocking. Like some of my posts, hopefully.
4) Turn rumour into gospel: Change something into commonly accepted truth.
First of all, NSFW stands for “not safe for work”.
Thus, you can probably guess that this post won’t be very clean, seeing as reading it at work is probably grounds for losing your job. So, don’t read this at work. More specifically, don’t play the video.
Why? Because this is a very rude post!
You shouldn't read it unless you already know or want to learn some very dirty English words.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’ve been teaching English for quite awhile. I think that I am a pretty good teacher, and about lessons are generally rather fun. I will admit, however, that next group of teachers taught such an interesting English lesson that other teachers will even be tempted to sign up.
Watch, enjoy, learn and grow as you see fit.
And by the way, that production was by far the most exciting way to ended in this lesson I’ve ever heard of.
So hold onto your virgin years, as I present to you...HOW TO SPEAK SEXY ENGLISH!
Language and Culture notes:
1) It’s spelled “mastUrbation”, not “mastErbation”.
2) I love that they censored the Japanese word for "Pussy", but not the Japanese word for "Cock". This in spite of the fact that they included a thirty second close-up shot of said (CENSORED).
3) I think they missed the mark with “cockpit”. I’d never heard of this used to describe anything other than the place where you drive an airplane from. I can see how they wanted to show a Pit (eg, a hole) is a good place to put a Cock, but I would have used two words (Cock Pit) and separated this metaphor from the other more widely used terms.
Back me up here, but if some girl told me to get to the "Cockpit" when when we weren’t on a plane, I'd think she was crazy. Mind you, if that girl lifted up her kilt and said “the goal to me in the complex!!!” most people would be able to figure out what she meant. So girls, don’t worry too much. If you show someone your underwear and say “Gargle me timbers and shiver the lasses!” or “Slinky My Cockpit!”, most guys will be able to figure it out.
/and girls complain that guys don’t understand subtle non-verbal communication. You just need to wear a kilt and demonstrate your intentions a little more clearly.
4) "Case of Taro" sounds a bit strange. Any of the following would be more grammatically accurate:
- Taro’s Story
- Taro’s Skit
- Taro’s Case
- Taro's Adventure In GaikokuPussyLand
- The Time That Taro Got Blown By His Teacher During Class...YEAH!!
5) The dialogue is spoken and transcribed a bit strangely. Here' s a revised script. My suggestions are in CAPITALS.
A: Hi Taro!
B: Hi Gloria, what’s up?
A: NOT MUCH…yeah… this is A /MY pussy
B: I see… this is A/MY dick.
A: IT’S A dick, not A cock, IS IT?
B: I'LL BE God Damned, you can say “Cock” too, CAN’T YOU?
I would say that “God Damned” is a bit strong for this situation. Maybe “Oh yeah, I forgot!” would be better).
A: All right, this is MY cockpit, isn’t it?
Cockpit: pussy, vagina, moist neither regions, bearded clam, whatever…. Cockpit is not so clear.
Isn’t it?: I think that she should have used falling intonation here instead of rising intonation. She isn’t asking him whether she just showed him her crotch… she’s telling him. So, “isn’t it.”
B: Yeah! I want to put MY COCK in(to) (there/you/your pussy)!
A: YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR dick inside MY pussy?
B: You are good at GIVING BLOW jobS, aren’t you?
(Dude!!! Why are you backpeddling??? She's so into you!!!)
A: Do you want to FIND OUT?
A & B: YEAH!
(This is exactly correct. When fooling around in English, people turn ninety degrees. Men turn to the right and women turn to the left. After this, both yell “YEAH!” immediately before any sexual activities.)
Overall, a well prepared lesson. Good elicitation and nice use of props and “realia”. Most of all, great job on student participation. Keep up the good work, and maybe bring another teacher to participate for the next lesson. That way, the class is sure to expand.
Language help for the language help:
/fortunately for me, most of the dirty words have already been explained...which is the point of this whole post.
Backpeddling: To go backwards, (as in pedal your bike backwards, or run backwards)... to back away from something you were headed towards before.
GaikokuPussyLand: "Gaijin" (outsider/foreigner) is actually quite a rude word in Japanese... "Gaikokujin" (person from another country) is considered much more polite. "Jin" means "person", so instead of person, I included a crass joke.
I've got a bit of a background in sales, so I know a good sales pitch when I see one. I sometimes even enjoy them. They're kind of like art, but with the goal of inducing a response from the wallet, rather than from the heart.
Bad sales pitches, on the other hand, can be painful. Very bad ones are sometimes even funny.
For example, the owner of this karaoke box is in love with a woman. Not a specific woman, but a general "you" will suffice. In order to convince you (the woman) that he wants to take tender care of you for the rest of your life, he has chosen "killing" as his 'close'.
If the whole Karaoke master thing doesn't pan out, I'm sure he'll have a great career getting arrested for climbing over celebrities' hedges, microphone in hand.
Here is another sales pitch that is a bit too strong.
This fellow likes eating noodles. He also likes kicking you in the face. Here, he's saving a lot of time.
Of all the strong sales pitches in Japan though, there is one group that has set itself apart from all others. Anyone living in Japan knows that people are exposed to a huge amount of advertising here, but I have to say that only one organization has managed to get me to interact with their salespeople on several occasions.
I'll get to the name of the advertiser soon, but I'm willing to bet you've seen them in action if you've spent any time in this city.
Most astonishingly, they have established that I don't speak Japanese all that well, and they have actually started to send me English materials and brochures. This happened after two of their Customer Service Representatives realized that I had no idea what they were saying, they were content to press some English materials into my hand, thank me for my time and let me be. I thought they'd given up, but in almost no time, two English - speaking reps came to make sure I was ok. Amazing!
Despite not having taken advantage of their offers, they actually manage to put English-only material in my mailbox on a semi regular basis. They also keep coming back to try to "close the deal", as they say.
Ok? Any idea which group is so persistent and hardworking?
Give up?
The Mormons
English 911:
Close: The last thing a salesperson says, usually the final push to encourage someone to buy something. eg, "to close the deal".
hedges: Big plants, usually on the edge of someone's property.
glut: like "gluttony", too much, or a huge amount of something.
Note that it's not a "Fiesta" but rather a "Festa", which is totally different. Also, they have vol. 24 of the Festa Magazine available.
We'll have more on the Festa soon, but I wanted to share my newly prized sweatshirt with all of you wonderful people, to whom I hope never to apologise in this manner.
Ｓｏｍetimes, you get a chance to meet someone who is truly hilarious. My ego and I consider ourselves to be a rather humourous *sometimes*, but these people go well beyond "funny". I'm not about to hurt feelings or launch careers by naming names, but you can rest easy, dear reader, as you are at or near the top of list, (or will be when I meet you). Still, over the last year or so, I have enjoyed spending time with a certain man of inordinate comic talent. He's not just funny, ladies and gentlemen, he is a master of inter-cultural comic timing, slightly limited vocabulary and more slapstick than you could shake charlie chaplin holding a rubber chicken at. I'm a big fan of the oversell, but it's hard to do justice to the original. Let's just say I pray that I have a video camera on the day he finds a banana peel on the ground.
Some time ago, I promised that you'd hear about this man... so.... without further ado, I present...
Takuya!
Perhaps some background is important. I had the pleasure of meeting Takuya through two very wonderful gentlemen.
These guys would be Nick and Atsushi, who are both great guys that spent a lot of time as the closest of clothed friends. During his time here, Nick had the distinct pleasuring of meeting a delightful girl named Maki. Takuya is that girl's brother.
The story of when Nick and Takuya first met goes something like this.
Nick was very worried about meeting his girlfriend's older brother. After all, he had never met any Japanese family, and he worried greatly about how to impress the fellow. The day finally came, and he met Maki at her house. She introduced her brother, who bowed slightly and shook Nick's hand. Nick didn't quite know what to say, but stammered a greeting... "Hello," he said. "Nice to meet you. I'm Nick." "Nick," said Takuya thoughtfully. "You are my dream." "....???" Nick's entire relationship flashed before his eyes, as Maki just about laughed herself silly. "Takuya!" she chuckled. "You want to say 'what is your dream?'"
The rest, as they say, is history. Even with Nick apologetically having departed for the shores of New Jersey, I still hang out quite often with Takuya and Atsushi. Fortunately, our good friend Atsushi is quite capable in both English and Japanese. He is thus able to rescue Takuya and I from the occasional conversation consisting of "YES! IT IS DELICOUS! I LIKE IT LOTS!" "私も！美味しいです！”
That said, Takuyua and I have managed to form our own little blend of English and Japanese. You see, his English is quite a bit better than my Japanese, but we still often resort to wild gestures and pointing to share our ideas.
For example, this is "good communication" of the concept of "Good".
Here, we demonstrate "Bad".
One of the things that makes Takuya such a fun fellow is the fact that he holds within him the unrivaled comic blend absolute confidence and general ineptitude. It's a simple inverted arithmetical relationship, where the worse he is at something, the more you can expect him to boast and dive straight in. So, generally, you can assume that lots of confidence means of lots of hysterical disaster.
This isn't to say that he's a cocky, overconfident ass, because that would be far from the truth and a great injustice. I'm about to make fun of him a whole lot, so I want to make it absolutely clear that his presence guarantees an entertaining night, and I do enjoy spending time with him. He's earnest, fun and a good guy all around. Thus, he makes for a ripe target. I respect his confidence, and his cheer. He just good-naturedly does his best at everything, and tries especially hard when he's... bad at stuff. I dearly love the man, and I love the fact that he smiles his way through any setback.
So... now that I've been extra complimentary, hopefully that will make up for the photographic evidence I'm about to present. Without further ado, let's dive into...
A STEP BY STEP PHOTOGRAPHIC GUIDE TO TAKUYA'S GREATEST HITS*!
*misses.
1) HITTING STUFF!
Let's start with a simple wear-a-blindfold-and-whack-a-watermelon game.
Step 1) Approach the watermelon
Step 2) Find some psuedo-nearby dirt
Step 3) Hit the dirt so hard you break the stick.
/seriously. He smashed the metal stick in half.
2) BOATING!!
Step 1) Get into the boat facing the wrong way. That's important. It will help remind your friend to get his camera out and start taking pictures.
Step 2) Generally, a large pond doesn't have that many opportunities to hit the trees. Do so anyway.
Step 3) Check the instructions.
Step 4) Fold yourself into the "power" position. YOOOOOSH!!!! PULL REALLY FREAKING HARD!!
Step 5) Gloat in boating dominance of your awesome forward momentum.
Step 6) You'll get it eventually.
3) DRINKING!
Takuya, fortunately for governments around the world, was born without much of the enzyme that breaks down alcohol.
1 DRINK!
2 DRINKS!
3 DRINKS!
er... 3 DRINKS!
4) AWARENESS OF THE SITUATION AND/OR CAMERA!
There's nothing waitresses like more than drums.
Seriously.
Cheese?
How about now?
5) ENGLISH!
Actual quotes:
"Um... Brento... Do Canadians Cry Maple Syrup?"
Someone: "What do you think of Nick being your brother in law?" Takuya: "Um.... Very Maybe."
Eventually I will track down a better video, as I definitely put him on the spot in this case. Nonetheless, here's a video of him trying to explain that we are friends.
This could also be filed under drinking.
Ａｌｌ ｔｈｅ Japanese you need for this video:
"Eigo" (sounds like "Eggo") English "Eigo De" In English "hiyaku" Hurry up!
Best trivia: Takuya works as a High School English Tutor.
/which makes sense if you don't know a scrap of English, it has to be explained in Japanese first...
6) BODY LANGUAGE! One of the things that makes Takuya so great is the fact that he gestures wildly and flails around like some crazy westerner. This is not so typical for the Japanese, but it sure makes for fun social interaction.
/many more pictures are coming to this section.
7) RELATIONSHIPS!!! Oh... laaaadiessss???! HE'S SINGLE! /seriously. You should bump uglies with him.
He's...like...rich...
...and he promotes world peace.
And... if you're into dressing up like a cartoon character, he's kind of into that too.
They say that communication is 90% non verbal... and I believe it. Regardless of my limited Japanese skills and his unique English skills, we speak the same language.
Culture shock is what happens when you live in a foreign country, and you often become irritated or frustrated by all of the cultural differences. Culture Shock makes people bitter, angry and frustrated. It makes people hate all the little things that make a nation like Japan unique, and it has the potential to put a real damper on your ex-patriot life.
One way to fight Culture Shock is to be hellbent on being more shocking than any given cultural situation.
I have a dirty mind, a sick sense of humour and I firmly believe in eating very strange things to assert my rightful place on the food chain.
Welcome to my little window on Japansanity.
