Cultural Dichotomy Simplified

Many important cultural developments have come from Japan over its thousands of years of history. Many scholars who spend their entire lives trying to dissect the complex interplay between tradition, technology and social duty that forms the basic fabric of Japanese society. I am not one of these people, so I happen to enjoy reducing this culture to simple categories. Let's call them “Good” and “Evil”.

Let’s do some of that categorization, shall we?

Good: Samurai
Evil: Ninjas

Good: Nintendo Wii
Evil: Sony DRM

Good: Sushi
Evil: Natto

Good: Tokyo Transit System
Evil: Tokyo Transit System during rush hour.

Good: Japanese TV as Entertainment
Evil: Japanese TV as Education

Good: Attitude towards Foreigners in a bar
Evil: Attitude towards Foreigners on a train

Good: Japanese Sizes, as an observer.
Evil: Japanese Sizes, as a shopper.

Good: Eating Ramen
Evil: Digesting Ramen



I’m sure you can think of lots more. Feel free to post them.

I love Japanese game shows

I don't watch a lot of Japanese television, but there are some shows that make me wish I did. You see, not only to a lot of Japanese game shows involve doing horrible things to the contestants, they are also horrible and RIDICULOUS things.

The other thing that Japanese game shows love is involving foreigners. In this case, we add Ernesto Hoost, who is a K-1 fighter. (For those of you who don't follow sports where people kick the ever-loving shit out of one another,"K-1" is one of the more violent iterations). The show in question is "Silent Library", where the contestants randomly dish out strange punishments to one of their group. The twist is that this all supposedly takes place in a library, so everything has to be done as silently as possible.


Here you go...



If you want to experience more of this wonderfulness, I suggest searching for "gaki no tsukai" on youtube.

I'd like extra bastard, please

This is a classic, but one of my favourites. Even though I'm horrifically lactose intolerant, I still love this product.


Much like the manufacturers of Deepresso,




...these wonderful folks have taken an English word and slightly modified it. This allows Japanese folk to make the association with the feeling/thing that they want to connect their product to.

Drug companies do this also, by the way.

For example:

Vigour AAAH!---> Viagara

Make Alice Sigh ---> Cialis

Awesome.



Now, imagine that you want to market a creamer for coffee or other hot drinks. You want to make sure that the wonderful Nihonjinsumer makes associations with a word that matches your product.

So, you start with the word "Cream".

Just to make sure there is no confusion, you only change one letter...and you only change it by a few letters in the alphabet. Say... 3 letters further down the alphabet.

m...

n...

o...



p...




Japanese consumer: Sounds delicious!
Native speaker: What the "#%&!& are you selling in that can???!?!?


You see, here in Japan, no one really cares what the actual meaning is. The sound of the product is much more important for promoting sales. Thus, if you associate your product with bad dates and people that grope girls on the train (Creep), no one really cares....as long as it sounds good.

mmmm..... train gropey in my coffee.

Louis Vouschnauser

One of the things that blows my mind like Charlie Sheen amounts of heroin is just how much some Japanese people love their dogs. I don't mean in that healthy, "Poochie is a member of the family" kind of way, but more like that "I love the latest $208372 handbag that looks exactly like the one from 2005 butOMGnewstraps!" way.

Translation: They love their dogs a damn lot.

And by love, I mean "shower with gifts". Doggie booties, doggie jackets...Doggie strollers! How about that. When you walk the dog... the dog doesn't walk, it gets displayed. Or better, Doggie carrying cases, so you can take your dog on the train like any other fashion luggage.

And then, down by the port of Yokohama, sitting on some prime harbourfront real estate, we have this gem.



That's right.... your first thought might be that this was a trendy coffeehouse...

But alas... it's not even a trendy, pet-friendly coffeehouse. Oh no... if you looked carefully, you've already realized the sheer horror of the truth: this is a doggie glamour photo studio.

You can take your sweet hollywood-bimbo-inspired chia pet excuse for a canine here, and accessorize it until you drop, and then capture the moment on film forever.



Oh, but what if poochie-woochie is tiredy-wiredy after his weaaly wwonng daaayyy....

Never fear, Madam De Vil! Why, just carry your poor, exhausted, precious pet to our nearby...



EvolDog Hotel&Rest!


During his stay, your dog will relax one of our lovely Prada Pillows, then down a tasty breakfast assembled by our crack squad of canine South Beach diet experts, and finally be exposed to healthy dose of Gamma Rays to help poochie kick start his trip up the evolutionary ladder in style! We're sure that he'll thank you telepathically in the morning.


Special this week with our "Silver" package: Neuter your boyfriend for half price!


(Sorry dude... but going in there was a mistake and you know it.)








/Unfortunately, due to a subtle and slight amount of vehement, uncompromising loathing for the practice of pet-sessorizing, I have no photos of any dogs actually being treated to this travesty.

//I'm sure you'll agree that those feelings totally didn't come out in this post.

///Really, I love dogs and I am just angry on their behalf.

////I *suppose* that the people who do this *might* love their dogs too.

/////shut up conscience, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip.

Japan Strikes Back!

Apparently, it's time for a sketch-off. A battle of wits, weirdness and well intentioned but less-than-successful language is about to commence. This is a battle the likes of which the world has only seen played out 10858739 times in the world of internet blogging. Well, lady, gentleman and the rest of you crazy kids... I'm about to be number 10858740.

Although I'd been planning to compare and contrast the charms and insanity of Tokyo with those of Seoul, it was a friend of mine who threw the gauntlet and started this battle - without even realizing it, in fact.



Fundamental conflict: Tokyo and Seoul are both very, very crazy. But...which is crazier ???

For example, Tokyo has long dominated the field of crazyness with its neon addiction, cultish devotion to customer service, and "Let's Noun-ing!". They threw out the ringer of serving whale, horse and still breathing fish in the same meal! What city could field culinary insanity to that degree?

Seoul could and did, coming from nowhere with "Hey! How would you like to eat live octopus!?! It'll stick to your tongue and try not to die in your mouth!"


Well, shit.


Don't count Tokyo down yet. Clearly, short of food that tries to argue you out of eating it(coming, I'm sure), there isn't much do to to beat the octopus dish in the freshness department. So... a new tactic.

Changing the Genus.

Genius!

And so, we present the Tokyo-culinary-insanity-answer to live octopus...


Snake Ice Cream!

Trust me, this makes me extra bitter that I'm lactose intolerant. When they get around to making a snake based sherbert, I'll be first in line.


/Special thanks to Vash for sending this my way.

Police: Scary, but only in person

The Japanese cops can be a bit scary when you are staring them in the eye and worrying about whether they will seize your bike or toss you in jail, but when it comes to safety pics, they take the edge off a bit by replacing the "polite but suspicious officer" with a cute teddy bear!




Incidentally, making things look cute is an important skill in japan.

Take the following situations...

1) your teeth are possessed.





2) Lightning bolts shoot from the ceiling and light your brother on fire while he's playing his guitar.




3) A really creepy guy contemplates waiting until the girls move past massage before joining in.

Hey, Hey! Ho, Ho! This Penis Party's Got To Go

If you can name the movie from whence the title of this post comes, then you are indeed, a wicked consumer of awesome 90s movies.

Anyway, I am still behind in my postings, so there is much drama to come. I remain committed to sharing my lunacy with all (both) of you, dear readers, so hold on tight.

One of the most infamous things to come out of "crazy japan", after tentacle porn and high definition TV, is the "Festival of the Iron Penis".

Yes, its actually called "the Festival of the Iron Penis" and if you've ever watched any shows with titles like "shocking asia!" or seen pictures of strange japanese girls riding 30 foot penises, well... it all comes from a one day festival held in Kawasaki on the first sunday in April. Legends vary, and are all poorly translated, but as best I can make out...

Many years ago , some demon got the hots for some girl. She wouldn't marry him, though, because she was a prude or he had BO .. or he was a demon... one of those. So, he secretly crawled up into her bizness (that would be "reproductive tract" for those of you keeping track). Now, this girl, sadly, decided that it would be better just to pretend this didn't happen and not tell her new husband about this little factoid. (I think theres a "disclose your STD status" metaphor there somewhere.)

Anyway, when they came to the wedding bed to consumate their marriage, the demon decided that it was Lorena Bobbit Time, and made short work of his wedding tackle.

<CHOMP!>

This of course, led to the dissolution of their marriage on grounds of "irreconcilable differences", and probably a healthy trip around the daytime talk circut. Some time later, she managed to get herself another man (who really, really needed to do his research and/or watch some cable TV). This guy decided to look before he lept though, and figured out that labia are not usually possessed of razor sharp teeth, no matter how rough your lady-gums are.

uh. sorry for that.

Anyway... this guy proved to be something of a genius, and fashioned what was probably the worlds first Big Ol' Black Dildo with which to go to work on his missus. The demon mistranslated the phrase "man of steel", and took it entirely out of context. Biting down on the iron rod, the demon promptly shattered his teeth and, by extension, demonsculinity. The young couple lived happily ever after, although rumours that he never really "got" to her G spot hounded our hero for the rest of his life.

Since then, people have decided that the penis has healing powers, and prostitutes used to frequent the penis to pray for protection from sexually transmitted diseases. After all, nothing cures syphilis like a good dicking, right???

Thus, to this day, many men and women throughout Japan celebrate this legend by sporting totally wrecked teeth...

er... delete delete delete....

Thus, to this day, many men and women flock to kawasaki once a year to clebrate the Iron Penis Festival.


In modern times, they have a rock band, sell penis candy and drink white-tinged (salty tasting...) sake.

Here are some pics for your enjoyment.

The Iron Penis is carried by Men in Drag, to represent the prostitutes of yore.



Really.




They also have this great pink one, in case you aren't sure what they're celebrating...





This penis party also has some vendors selling things like suggestive, hand made candy.




And clearly labled instruction manuals!!





I can also tell you that the penis party had opportunities for me...

a 73% bigger erection for example...




and a strange beverage that I will never speak of again (after making this image publicly available on the intarweb)




In any case... I will leave you with a photo of a young japanese boy who is allowing himself to reach for his dreams...






Cheers!

/ps - the movie you're looking for is called "PCU".