Dear Japan,

You know I love you. I have come to care for you very deeply, and you will always remain very special to me. You know, we shared a lot over this past year and a half, and I hate to write you like this, but perhaps its easier for both of us. I put this letter off for a long time, thinking that you would just go away, but I just can't forget you. So I know this might hurt, but I have to say a few things.

You have a lot of good things going for you. Takuya, for example, will always be there for you. He is a wonderful and hilarious man, and he will take good care of making sure that you don't stay out of too much trouble.

You'll always be able to take solace in the Heinan Gardens in Kyoto, which are amazingly beautiful. Try not to let them get too much sun, will you?











The concrete Toriis - ah, they are interesting. One never knows what will happen when you walk through them. This little gate, for example, leads to one of the most controversial religious sites in the entire world! Remember how a single politician's visit sparked controversy across Asia? It sure doesn't look all that controversial from the outside....





Still - I'm so glad I visited these places while we were spending time together. I spend quite a bit of time considering the historical debate that this place ignites among your citizens (quietly, and with respectful aims towards consensus, of course!) and around the world.

Of course, you aren't afraid of public opinion at all, are you? Perhaps that is part of your charm, that you can be so fascinated with cultures from around the world - yet quietly refuse to bow to even the most torrential international pressure.

(Whale restaurant, anyone?)

Also, I have to tell you that you can sometimes drink a bit too much sake. This can bring out bad behaviour in your friends.


Of course, one of the things I like best about you is your beauty. There is something magical about the marks your citizens have made on the earth.


Thousands of years or thousands of pounds of steel and concrets - you've built some amazing things. In fact, some of them are stacked on top of each other!

Of course, no one is perfect. You have a few really serious fetishes that are a bit much.

Neon, for example. Someone needs to find the Tokyo neon sign guy and chain him up. Just for one week of the year. Please?

Furthermore, you have a shoe fetish that makes the entire cast of "Sex in the City" look like sensible women with a small number of comfortable shoes.

You also have that whole semi-porno cartoon thing going on. Which is cool and all - we all have our private lives - but do you really have to advertise it (and READ it) on the train?



Especially when any self-respecting businessman can so easily blow a week's salary at a hostess bar that provides ACTUAL, live, giggling girls that pour his drinks for him? I mean, you have about ten near every train station, so maybe you could open up a cartoon-porn-reading nook or something? What's that? You have those and they're called "comic book stores?".

Oh well. At least the hostess clubs believe in truthful advertising.

And you take care of them, too! You even have a place for those well paid hostesses to unwind over drinks poured by pretty boys with 70 000 yen haircuts.



So, you know that I love you, Japan. But, as with any pile of sashimi, stack of 1000 yen notes or year and a half of international adventure, all things must eventually come to a close. My time with you has been wonderful, educational, shocking (for both of us, I suppose) and more interesting than I ever hoped it could have been.

I learned several new languages (spoken Japanese, written Japanese, drunken businessman Japanese), made many new friends, and learned an entirely new set of cultural cues. (bow-lock anybody?)

Still, I had to leave you.

Why? Well, I found someone else, you see. Yes, I did know her all along, but now things are getting serious, and you just can't come between us any more.

Cheesy, silly, ridiculous love. You offered a life of adventure, Japan, but at the end of the day I'm going to come home instead. This love is good stuff – I suggest you try it some time. I’ll let you know how the whole marriage thing works out too– most likley with fewer offensive videos.

Anyway, I just wanted to write and let you know that I'm doing well. I'm sure you've got lots of boys that will give you the attention you crave.

I'll think of you often, I promise. Don't worry about me. I'll find some new adventures.

Tokyo, I'll miss ya. Don't offend too many people without me.

I took one last picture of you, from the bus on the way to the airport. I hope you don't mind.

PS: Write back soon.

Body, Soul and Mind

THE BODY

A letter:

Dear Mr. Atkins,

We have decided that your diet is not something we want to be a part of. We have heard terrible things about how the diet can cause health problems, and that the weight loss is only temporary. We will be returning all of your self help books, and begin consuming large amount of carbohydrates immediately.

Wait a bloody second. We never needed your diet, since we aren't bloody fat. Why are we even writing this?


Heartily,

The Residents of Japan


What inspired this letter?

This sandwich, which is available at most convenience stores.




That's right folks... it's spaghetti, deep fried potatoes and mayo on a loaf of bread!

And how much is this monster carbo party?

Why... a scant fifty yen.



THE SOUL

A love story:

One of the teachers I know has a whirlwind romance to thank for the fact that he lives in Japan. From what I hear, this charming young gentleman used to work at a hotel in the US. I believe as either a front desk guy, a bellhop or perhaps a fluffer.
One day, a beautiful Japanese girl checked in to the hotel for a week long vacation. During this time, our hero and heroine happened to meet in the hotel lobby. Sparks, dignity and passion flew everywhere and all over everything that week, as I hear she ditched her friends and he ditched a few shifts so they could enjoy each others' company.

Sadly, she had to return to Japan, but promised to return soon to enjoy his charms (both intellectual and carnal).

She did.

And they had another wonderful week together. Maybe it was a month. But it surely seemed like scant days to our lovers. Too soon, she had to return to her home.

Undeterred, our boy mustered the courage to visit. After that, he mustered a bit more and moved here for good. He found a job, and quickly spun through some of the various titles that one can give a partner. Girlfriend, Fiancee, and Wife, in short order. This is no small feat, as cross cultural marriages are sometimes frowned upon by parents here in Japan. Still, he's a nice boy and those two are clearly crazy about each other.

Interesting note: Apparently, the "I want to marry your daughter" bow is a pretty seriously huge one, which involves getting on your knees and bowing until your nose touches the floor. A few times.

Ah, but our story doesn't end here. Oh no. As a wise person once remarked, "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the ba-by carriage."

The challenges of raising a child on a single salary are not to be understated, but it's certainly possible in Japan - perhaps more so than in most industrialized nations. Still, raising a child demands dedicated care and proper stimulus, I am sure that these two fine young people will raise a wonderful family.

Here, you can see their delightful child discovering that milk may indeed be a gateway drug.


Hey! Daddy's pacifiers!


Of course, mom and dad are obviously very proud. Here, you can see their delightful little rug rat learning the proper way to interact at a party for young people.

Step 1: Drink a lot of beer.
Step 2: Act drunk so people think you are cool.
Step 3: (we always forget step 3 before we leave step 2)
Step 4: Poop your pants.



Look how proud mom and dad are in the background! You go kiddo! Amuse all those people with your adult-like behavior!




THE MIND:
A limber student with little shame.

As some dude once remarked... "Mind over Body".





In this case, it's all mind. This guy is a student at a fellow teacher's school, and he wants to be an action movie star. So, if any of you freelance student art film people want to make a martial-arts-and-explosions oriented film, then we should connect you with this chap.