Dear Japan,

You know I love you. I have come to care for you very deeply, and you will always remain very special to me. You know, we shared a lot over this past year and a half, and I hate to write you like this, but perhaps its easier for both of us. I put this letter off for a long time, thinking that you would just go away, but I just can't forget you. So I know this might hurt, but I have to say a few things.

You have a lot of good things going for you. Takuya, for example, will always be there for you. He is a wonderful and hilarious man, and he will take good care of making sure that you don't stay out of too much trouble.

You'll always be able to take solace in the Heinan Gardens in Kyoto, which are amazingly beautiful. Try not to let them get too much sun, will you?











The concrete Toriis - ah, they are interesting. One never knows what will happen when you walk through them. This little gate, for example, leads to one of the most controversial religious sites in the entire world! Remember how a single politician's visit sparked controversy across Asia? It sure doesn't look all that controversial from the outside....





Still - I'm so glad I visited these places while we were spending time together. I spend quite a bit of time considering the historical debate that this place ignites among your citizens (quietly, and with respectful aims towards consensus, of course!) and around the world.

Of course, you aren't afraid of public opinion at all, are you? Perhaps that is part of your charm, that you can be so fascinated with cultures from around the world - yet quietly refuse to bow to even the most torrential international pressure.

(Whale restaurant, anyone?)

Also, I have to tell you that you can sometimes drink a bit too much sake. This can bring out bad behaviour in your friends.


Of course, one of the things I like best about you is your beauty. There is something magical about the marks your citizens have made on the earth.


Thousands of years or thousands of pounds of steel and concrets - you've built some amazing things. In fact, some of them are stacked on top of each other!

Of course, no one is perfect. You have a few really serious fetishes that are a bit much.

Neon, for example. Someone needs to find the Tokyo neon sign guy and chain him up. Just for one week of the year. Please?

Furthermore, you have a shoe fetish that makes the entire cast of "Sex in the City" look like sensible women with a small number of comfortable shoes.

You also have that whole semi-porno cartoon thing going on. Which is cool and all - we all have our private lives - but do you really have to advertise it (and READ it) on the train?



Especially when any self-respecting businessman can so easily blow a week's salary at a hostess bar that provides ACTUAL, live, giggling girls that pour his drinks for him? I mean, you have about ten near every train station, so maybe you could open up a cartoon-porn-reading nook or something? What's that? You have those and they're called "comic book stores?".

Oh well. At least the hostess clubs believe in truthful advertising.

And you take care of them, too! You even have a place for those well paid hostesses to unwind over drinks poured by pretty boys with 70 000 yen haircuts.



So, you know that I love you, Japan. But, as with any pile of sashimi, stack of 1000 yen notes or year and a half of international adventure, all things must eventually come to a close. My time with you has been wonderful, educational, shocking (for both of us, I suppose) and more interesting than I ever hoped it could have been.

I learned several new languages (spoken Japanese, written Japanese, drunken businessman Japanese), made many new friends, and learned an entirely new set of cultural cues. (bow-lock anybody?)

Still, I had to leave you.

Why? Well, I found someone else, you see. Yes, I did know her all along, but now things are getting serious, and you just can't come between us any more.

Cheesy, silly, ridiculous love. You offered a life of adventure, Japan, but at the end of the day I'm going to come home instead. This love is good stuff – I suggest you try it some time. I’ll let you know how the whole marriage thing works out too– most likley with fewer offensive videos.

Anyway, I just wanted to write and let you know that I'm doing well. I'm sure you've got lots of boys that will give you the attention you crave.

I'll think of you often, I promise. Don't worry about me. I'll find some new adventures.

Tokyo, I'll miss ya. Don't offend too many people without me.

I took one last picture of you, from the bus on the way to the airport. I hope you don't mind.

PS: Write back soon.

Pantomime: the pop-opera of gesture talk

There are many challenges that come with living in a nation that doesn't share your mother tongue. It's new, exciting, and hands down the best place to study another language. It makes for fun adventures and the sense of being someplace new. Of course, it can also make for some added challenge. The simplest tasks - asking directions, buying personal items, trying to avoid being arrested - often come with an added level of difficulty.

A famous psychologist once claimed that over 90% of meaning that we express is through means other than the words that we say - that tone of voice and non-verbal communication express most of what we want to say.

This is a bit of a misquotation, actually. What our friend (whose name is Albert Mehrabian, by the way) meant is that we tend to trust non-verbal cues more than the words people say when it comes to making basic judgements about their emotional messages. For example:

Brent (Smiling warmly and clapping you on the shoulder): I hate that you did that!

Would you think I was really upset, or do I sound sarcastic? I think you'd figure out that I'm not angry unless I sound/look angry. Nonetheless, understanding non-verbal cues can only take you so far for determining how much people like you in a foreign nation. Learning the language is the best way to make yourself understood. The only problem is the fact that it takes many long hours of studying to learn a language - up to five or ten thousand hours to become fluent. I guarantee that you will need supplies from the grocery store before well before you'll know how to describe what you're looking for.

So what does that leave?

Pantomiming.

Living in a land without speaking the language quickly transforms you. You become a dramatic genius capable of describing anything from beer to bus stops with a series of exaggerated gestures. Who knew that unit on clowning from theatre school would ever come in so handy!?!

Here are some things I have managed to acquire through the use of gesture-language. Like any form of language, some concepts are easier to explain than others...

Beginner items are pretty straightforward - you basically mime using the item.
Toothbrush: Brushing
Shampoo* Washing
Tie: Tie-ing

Intermediate items sometimes take several motions together.
Fire Extinguisher (Fire Motion + Spraying Motion + No More Fire Motion)
Re-entry to the train station after taking the wrong exit (Pointing, Walking, Looking, No + Friends, Pointing, Walking Back)

Advanced items need gestures other than the ones you might think of first.
Toilet Paper: Squatting + Spinning the roll + making a Wad.

Sometimes advanced items require a small amount of bravado.
Pearl Rabbit: Make steady, ever-so-slightly-sheepish eye contact with the clerk. Hold up an arm. Make a buzzing sound. Nod.

Sidebar: I had a shy friend who always wanted a rabbit. I have little shame, so I volunteered to get it. The poor, poor saleswoman was *quite* taken aback, but eventually quite helpful in finding said product.


Of course, sometimes additional problems are created with the whole gesture thing, as people from other lands often use other gestures. Take the OK sign, for example. You know, the one where you connect your index finger to your thumb and show the "O". Seems pretty straightforward, right?

In Japan, that gesture means "Money".

So, imagine if someone wants your help with something. They a fact they communicate to you through gestures. Flash the OK sign? Yeah... you just said "I'll help you if you give me some money." Not so good. But things could be worse: PLEASE don't flash that "OK" in the Middle East. Apparently, in that part of the world, it means "You're an Asshole".

I suppose this is all very academic. So, class, let's take a look at a fun real-world example of trying to puzzle things out!

This is a music video for a song called "Yatta". If you speak a bit of Japanese, you might be able to puzzle out some of the things this song. Of course, if you can speak a bit of Japanese, you have advanced well beyond the whole "gesture to buy beer stage", and this is all old news to you. Thanks for reading along with the rest of the crowd!

Fun exercise:

1) Watch the video. Try to figure out what they "#!#$&! they are singing about.




Any ideas?
You may have concluded that they were happy about something. Why that caused them to dance around nearly naked in front of thousands of people is probably a longer gesture story than the one you got. Even with some letters and a few of the "lucky" English phrases that Japanese pop stars love to throw in to their music, I was bloody lost after watching this.


2) Ok - now watch it again with subtitles.



Pretty different, eh? They ARE being ridiculously cheerful, so you can see that your non-verbal communication is doing ok. The finer points are pretty unique though.



Now you're reasonably emotionally prepared for the experience of living with a foreign language. Definitely partially ready. 100% somewhat equipped.

Ah, you'll figure it out. Regardless, you might want to remember this ideaif you have an upcoming trip to a nation that doesn't share your native tongue. Along with that phrasebook, you might think about pre-scripting some short skits to describe your favourite goods and services.




Notes:

1) Pantomime: a form of theatre populated with sterotypes and generally performed during the holidays to family audiences. Much like my life, Pantomime is often full of very subtle cross dressing, and dirty themes. Mainly it sounds funnier than the word "Mime" - which is "to perform without speaking" and what I actually used to explain myself.

2) exacerbate means "to make something worse"

3) Pantomime: a stage show that doesn't involve any words.

4) ever-so-slightly-sheepish : a tiny bit embarrassed.

5) I believe in giving due credit - those two vids came from my dear buddy Geoff Cross.

Kyoto - Japanese Moms & Plationic Nudity

One of the side effects to having a lot of adventures is that sometimes the experiences are so jam-packed into a given set of days that the actual recording of them falls into an awful void that I like to call “notes”. Notes are wonderful, and they help you recall the experience, but they still don't provide very good entertainment value for your non-paying but greatly appreciated audience. And, dear audience, you are indeed appreciated. I enjoy crazy adventures, and I enjoy the idea that I can bring a bit of joy into YOUR life.

In any case, I've resolved to steel my resolve, and start putting down all the things I shoulda-woulda-coulda recorded, because it’s been one crazy month. The path has been wild and exciting, and I'm a new man now. You’ll all have to treat it like cable TV though. I've shot the episodes, and several members of the cast know the ending already, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t sit back and enjoy some more of the merry adventures of the Merry Man in Japan.

Without further ado, I present….


A Kyoto Tale, part 1: Japanese Mom(s)


The Setup

Kyoto is arguably one of the most important and interesting places in all of Japan. Not only do they say “osaki-ni” instead of “arigatou gozaimasu” (“thank you”), it happens to also be the famous for a climate change accord, as well as the presence of some, uh…. history. In fact, Kyoto is home to so many cultural treasures that a trip there regularly forces you to ignore several thousand-year-old shrines and as you head for other, more famous thousand-year-old shrines. All in all, it’s an incredible place.

During my various travels, I have definitely come to appreciate the common sense wisdom of “local advice”. People who live in an area are obviously able to point out the little things that make your trip worthwhile. Unfortunately, the locals live...well... at the place to which you are headed. This makes it rather more difficult to randomly run into them as you are planning said trip. This, of course, leaves the next best thing: someone who has been there a whole whack of times.

This leads me to address one of the best things about teaching: the fact that you get to meet a large number of rather wonderful people, all with different interests and experiences. I have several students who have lived long and interesting lives, which means they have a lot of advice to give about everything from child rearing to restaurant choice. One of my students is particularly fond of both dinner parties and the city of Kyoto – two areas of expertise in which she has been quite kind in sharing with me and with my fellow teachers.

Naturally, when it came time to head up to Kyoto, I asked her for some advice. She told me that she would think about it, and then asked me some basic questions (e.g., Did I want to do things as cheaply as possible or was I open to spending a bit more? How many people were going? Did I want to stay in a traditional place? How many days and nights? Are you going to be crazy culturally menacing foreigners? Please don't burn down our cultural heritage....Pretty please?).

It is a strange brew indeed – a combination of national pride, earnest desire to help someone in need, and genuine interest in the subject – but some of my students would go to extraordinary lengths to do things for their teacher (er, me!). I don't want to speculate on the effort involved, but two weeks later this particular student waltzed into class hefting a large folder and a larger smile. Opening it up with a grin, she revealed what amounted to a 1200-picture worthy, three point five day fully guided tour of the historical capital of Japan. She had information packages, maps, sightseeing notes and guidebooks – all of it furiously highlighted and bilingually annotated.

Getting there

To get us there, she'd found and booked the luxury “Night Dream” bus, which sported extra wide, super reclining seats three abreast – perfect for large 南蛮人 (barbarian/foreigner) butts. If you are ever planning a long distance trip, such as the Tokyo-Kyoto route, and you don’t want to travel on the painful regular bus (5000 yen), but save money over the新幹線Shinkansen (12000 yen), the “Night Dream” buses (8700) are a wonderful compromise. I even managed to refrain from stealing the very comfortable JR slippers and JR blankets that we were thoughtfully provided with.

Upon arrival, we managed to find our way to the Matsuihonkan – the Ryokan (traditional Japanese Hotel) that my pseudo-mother managed to book for us. We were served some delightful tea in the lobby, and given some snazzy chocolates to enjoy while they checked our bags for the day. I strongly recommend this place if you are planning to stay in Kyoto – mainly because the female staff are another group of excessively helpful mother-esque people.

There are a few places in the world that always exhibit the utmost concern for the customer. North Americans might find top notch service at their favourite restaurants or at an upscale men’s tailor, but it’s really hard to comprehend the level of service that the Japanese afford to their guests. In fact, the words “guest”, “customer” and “client” all have the same translation in Japanese. The customer is a “guest”, and is treated as such. A good Ryokan is the pinnacle of this service. To boot: Your room is served by 3 (THREE!) maids.

“It’s like having a Japanese Mom for a day.”



Dave was nearly correct when he pointed this out. You see, “maid” might be a bit of a misrepresentation of the staff, as you never actually have to tell them to do anything. Instead, they take care of everything you might want, and then some. They are kind of like Moms, that is if your Mom never told you to clean your room, but instead did it for you with a waaaay bigger smile than any Mom ever had while picking up someone else’s crap.



We’ll call them Mom #2, #3 and #4 respectively. (#1 being my student.)

After we arrived, Mom #2 and Mom #3 led us to our room and made sure that it was stocked with sweets and a fresh order of delicious tea. They laid out traditional Japanese Robes, and pointed out useful things like towels, the bathroom, comfy robes, and the window (helpful!)



They also sneakily grabbed our shoes out of the entrance room and CLEANED them.

I was a huge fan of Mom #4 (not pictured above), because she spoke English reasonably well. By "reasonably", I mean she could definitely fulfill all of the duties of a Ryokan maid in English, but her intonation left something bit lacking: She seemed to be unable to form the intonation for a question - all of her sentences ended up sounding more like orders.

"I'LL BRING YOUR DINNER UP AT FOUR, WON'T I!!!"

"YOU WANT A WAKE UP CALL!."

"I WILL NOW PREPARE YOUR BEDS. BE COMFORTABLE.".


Later on they brought a glorious feast, which fulfills the evil, secret purpose of the Ryokan: to generate as many dirty dishes as possible. To this end, they serve a wonderful spread of delicious food on so many little plates that they need several trays per person to bring them all in.

Pictures speak louder than words, I believe.



We definitely showed suitable respect for the effort put into dishware variety.





Every hotel needs a Sento.

After dinner, a trip down to the Sento is essential. A Sento is a communal Japanese Bath, spiritually similar to the natural hotsprings (Onsens). A sento doesn’t have naturally heated mineral water, but it’s still incredibly relaxing. To those of you who are unfamiliar, it’s basically like a giant public bathtub surrounded by sitting showers. The sitting-shower took some time to get used to at first, but after you’ve come to terms, you realize that you can clean certain things better if you can reach them (for example FEET, you filthy people). After scrubbing yourself, you jump into a super hot bath, and you can engage in pleasant semi drunken late night philosophy. After all, few things build rapport like mutual nudity and intellectual interest. I know Plato would have loved it.

I couldn't really take a camera into the bath, as that would have destroyed but I can certainly show you how relaxed one feels AFTER consuming booze, soaking in a hot tub, and retiring to bed in a lovely yukata/robe...



Up next: choosing the best 1000 year old shrine complex.


Japanese Notes: 南蛮人 “Nambanjin”... literally “southern barbarian”. This is my favourite Edo era word for foreigners. 外人 (Gaijin) is actually somewhat offensive, and 外国人 (Gaikokujin) is nowhere near as funny.

Ancient History: All Your Base

First, let me set the scene with a few short pictures.

A picture story, if you will.


1) You know already that this won't end well.



2) Modus Operandi (It's Latin -> definition)


3) One of these things is not like the others.... one of these things just isn't the same...


4) You Have No Chance. Make Your Time.


5) What You Say?



What possessed me to plant an internet reference on the roof of this building, you ask?

Well, apart from suitably honouring what might be the greatest engrish translation ever to grace a 16 bit game console, I think it is important to preserve ancient cultural treasures. As such, I am entirely willing to part with some of my hard earned cash if I know it's going for a good cause, such as maintaining the roof. On the other hand, the definition of "ancient" works differently on the internet. On the net, "ancient" is about 1997. So, I thought it was important to preserve some ancient internet history in a place that has cultural relevance in the real world.

Yeah.

Moral High Ground.

I just claimed it to justify quoting a video game on a tile for a temple with a 1300 year history.


/hey. We paid, ok?
----------------------------------------------------


Anyway, if you aren't familiar with "All Your Base Are Belong To Us", it is a quote taken from an old Sega Genesis Video Game called "Zero Wing". I remember this from the days when the internet first started out as a place where a bunch of guys got their jollies by pretending to be girls in dirty chat rooms. It was one of the first internet phenomena, and the infamous phrase was inserted into a huge number of images made famous by various forwards. These images are all a little dated, but I don't doubt that you'll recognize many of them.

Throw in a nice techno sound track and you have a bit of internet history. One that now graces the roof of a famous historical building.

Enjoy.

Kyoto Signage

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

Sometimes, at least 60% of those words are dirty.



I love those times.



Hmmm... I never knew you were into that. But ok. I'd love to be a "beatus" person. Still, I'm pretty sure that the people who translated "Beatus" as "happy" were...uh.... "tops". But that still sounds like my kind of micro cosmos.




You can always dream. In Kyoto, you can even dream of becoming "Delivery Health", or as we say in English "Prostitutes".



Overheard in Osaka: "Hey Baby! Let's have a quick pants party! Right here! Awwww.... C'mon!!!"




This one goes out to Matt and all the real tight peeps in Shimokitazawa. I never knew there was so much anger on the Odakyu Line. Stand proud, 小田急線の巨人。　





For some reason, Scott decided to attend University after spending time with me in Japan.




For those crazy kids classes, Dave gets into his ever popular "Bozo the Touchtastic Gaijin Clown" character.



Top: Nope.. I'm not explaining this. I'M NOT EXPLAINING THIS. NO. NOT YOURS.

aargh... a "top" is the dominant person in a sexual relationship. Here, the person "beating" other person/people.

A taste of Kyoto

I just spent three days in the Kyoto area. "Amazing" doesn't begin to describe the things there are to see there.










Of course, it's still Japan.




And we're still very full of stupid.



So, stay tuned.


EDIT: Ask and you shall receive... a quick and dirty photoshop job..

Garbage Can Etiquette

Garbage cans in Japan have a certain etiquette, or set of manners, that you need to follow. For example, one important social custom is: Please place the garbage in the can.

Now, a garbage bin I saw relayed the background for why we do this, but I can't quite figure out whether the reasoning is...

Please do not eat the garbage, as this is why we have provided the can.

or

Please dispose of your garbage here. If you leave it out, wild crazy people with two teeth will come and eat it during the night.




The garbage cans are also quick to offer tips on the proper method of disposal.



The one on the right means:
Look chump, you are not Zidane, Ronaldo, or even David Beckham. Maybe you played little league football/soccer, and you were a hero to tens of your immediate family members, but you do not (repeat: *YOU DO NOT*) have the necessary talent to kick your garbage through this little hole. So, just drop it in nicely, ok??? Good. Now get over to the Squid-On-A-Stick stand and spend some freakin' money.

or maybe it's "Don't kick the garbage".

It's one of those. But in either case, you are encouraged to break wind with impunity.



Garbage cans also have guidelines for which sporting events are considered appropriate. For instance, this can symbolizes the fifth hole of the International One-Armed-Persons Nippon Trash Bash Open.



Mostly, I want to know where I can get a physics-defying golf club that launches garbage in the direction OPPOSITE the one I swing. Imagine how much fun you could have at the driving range freaking out the people behind you.

Excuse me.... Excuse ME! DON'T SWING TOWARDS US!!! AAAA!!! .... 400 yards? What?

In my limited Japanese:

すめません。。。　　すみません！！！　　　だめ！！　　だめ！！　　ヤダ！！　　ばか外人！！　ああああああああ！！！　... ４００ｍ？　なに？





Finally, we can end with a Pop Quiz:

Which of the following things should you do with a sleeping (dead) raven in the park?

A: Put it near the trash.

B: Wrap it up all nicely. Be sure to give it a pillow.

C: Dress it up, with a necklace and whatnot.

D: Make a birdie burrito.

E: Give it a birdie toupee.


Answer: All of the above.






Optional for foreigners only:
E: Golf the shit out of it, then kick it into the mouth of a wild, crazy person with only two teeth.



To be continued....



-----------------------------------------------

English help:

Etiquette: Manners

Little league: kids league

tens of your family members: not very many people

break wind: fart/pass gas

with impunity: without worrying about punishment.

launches garbage in the direction OPPOSITE the one I swing: hits garbage backwards

burrito: mexican food, it comes in a tortilla shell.

toupee: fake hair

Golf the shit out of it: (Verb) the shit out of it - do something really forcefully.

Tentacles: A Cultural Legacy

One of the most interesting facts about living in Japan is things that might have seemed strange to you once upon a time suddenly become commonplace. Things like having enough confidence in your grocer to buy raw fish and eat it without any sort of "cooking" crap. Or getting on a train butt-first, because that's the only way to make room for yourself...or even coffee misnomers.



(er... how can it be straight, and still have milk?)


Perhaps the strangest thing I've gotten used to out here is the prevalance of tentacles. Seriously... becoming comforable with tentacles as a lifestyle choice has been a big thing for me.

For example: I didn't deem anything here out of the ordinary the first few times I walked by this shop:



Seriously... take another look at these delicious snacks...



Corn Dogs, Corn, and Squid-On-A-Stick.


I smiled a bit, but didn't think squid-on-a-stick strange enough to actually buy one.


Oh Japan. You and your crazy tentacles have way too much fun. Ever since that Katsushika Hokusai guy back in the Edo era went on a crazy creative trip and laid the seeds for so much modern edu-tainment. Not only did he give us cultural treasures like "36 views of Mt. Fuji", but he also invented the word "manga" and painted the worlds' first "fisherwoman-tentacle-porn-threesome", over 200 years ago!



...


I'm not making this up.






PS: This is a censored version. If you want to see the *real* deal, and the history of this image, in all it's tentacley, 1820s grandeur... click here.

illegallity for your amusement and education

The transit system in Japan is amazing, and I've written many times that it is a model of how density can improve your life.

But what if you've forgotten your wallet? What if you had no money? In a car based society, one could hitchhike, or beg the bus driver to let you on. Here in Japan, hitchhiking for the train is not so effective....and the bus drivers...well...they don't speak English so well, so "begging" doesn't work.

So, for your education, dear reader, several friends and I engaged in an academic exercise...

HOW TO CHEAT THE TRAIN SYSTEM
(Four Handy Methods and One Disclaimer)


There are several main schools of thought about the best way to engage in this activity (sport?).

SCHOOL ONE: Don't do this.

The first school of thought suggests quite clearly that this is an illegal activity, and you can probably be sent to pounding-you-in-the-behind-by-a-sumo-wrestler prison if you do it too often. Anyway... the penalties are quite severe (so stay tuned!) After all, you are making use of the service, so... I seriously suggest that you buy a ticket. Er...and do remember that cameras have been mounted at all of the station gates...so you may get booked if you use this knowledge for the cause of evil.

Of course, unless you feel like making funny videos while you wait for a friend. Then... well... go to town.

SCHOOL TWO: Clueless Drunken Foreigner Bash Through Style

This is probably the most widely used form of train-gate missing. It quite simply means "walking through the gate" and giving your best "I'm a stupid foreigner and I don't know how to work this crazy Japanese stuff" look to any train staff you make eye contact with. They will usually decide that you are too much effort to deal with and wave you through.

It looks like this:



I've used this trick a few times (*almost* exclusively by accident). It works better the less you shave and the more confused you look.


SCHOOL THREE: Super Samurai Somersault Style

I think the name pretty much says it all. This method can be used in two ways. You can either try to barrel through as fast as possible and hope that the gate doesn't bash you in the face. Or... you can strategically note the placement of the sensor beams, cover them, and edge your way through until you think you can jump through before the electronic senors realize that the jig is up. Good, except during rush hour.



For the record, this style is known to be 70% more effective if you provide your own "Mission Impossible" Soundtrack.

EDIT: Some folks have complained of video trouble with this one, so I've reloaded and reposted for your repeated enjoyment.




SCHOOL FOUR: 2 - for - 1 Fire Man Carry Bonus Style

This one is more about strategy than physical prowess, though it takes a slight amount of technique. The trick is to balance one train customer on top of the other so you can use a single ticket. This makes your subterfuge less noticeable, as you will not set off the alarm trigger. On the other hand, you will clearly be carrying someone else. Try it if the guard is sleeping.





SCHOOL FIVE: SUPER TURBO SECRET LONG JUMPING STYLE

This is probably the most satisfying method to use. In it, you attempt to clear the gates in a single bound, avoiding the sensors and thereby winning glory for your entire deadbeat family (you rapscallion). If you manage to limit the size of your hop, you can probably get this done without alerting the station staff. It'll just between you and the maker, so start thinking about whether your eternal soul is really worth 130 yen. Well? Is it?

Here, Ben Sensei answers with a firm "no".



Oh... and stay tuned for the heavy handed response at the end from the station staff. He really fixes Ben good for using their property as a metaphorical transit chew-toy.



Ok, it's poll time... what's in his head?



1) Take that, foreign hooligans!!! It's my shakey hand! You'd better say "sorry" in Japanese or else....

2) Thank you very much for not jumping repeatedly through the gates for the past twenty five minutes!

3) I. hate. this. job.

4) Phew... what's that smell???

5) Look... I know I failed out of cop school...but seriously...where did life go wrong?




I'm open to suggestions, either for the "what's going through the station staffer's mind"... or for other academics' thoughts on this fine art.

NSFW: How To Speak Sexy English

First of all, NSFW stands for “not safe for work”.


Thus, you can probably guess that this post won’t be very clean, seeing as reading it at work is probably grounds for losing your job. So, don’t read this at work. More specifically, don’t play the video.

Why?

Because this is a very rude post!

You shouldn't read it unless you already know or want to learn some very dirty English words.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve been teaching English for quite awhile. I think that I am a pretty good teacher, and about lessons are generally rather fun. I will admit, however, that next group of teachers taught such an interesting English lesson that other teachers will even be tempted to sign up.

Watch, enjoy, learn and grow as you see fit.

And by the way, that production was by far the most exciting way to ended in this lesson I’ve ever heard of.


So hold onto your virgin years, as I present to you...HOW TO SPEAK SEXY ENGLISH!

Language and Culture notes:

1) It’s spelled “mastUrbation”, not “mastErbation”.

2) I love that they censored the Japanese word for "Pussy", but not the Japanese word for "Cock". This in spite of the fact that they included a thirty second close-up shot of said (CENSORED).

3) I think they missed the mark with “cockpit”. I’d never heard of this used to describe anything other than the place where you drive an airplane from. I can see how they wanted to show a Pit (eg, a hole) is a good place to put a Cock, but I would have used two words (Cock Pit) and separated this metaphor from the other more widely used terms.

Back me up here, but if some girl told me to get to the "Cockpit" when when we weren’t on a plane, I'd think she was crazy. Mind you, if that girl lifted up her kilt and said “the goal to me in the complex!!!” most people would be able to figure out what she meant. So girls, don’t worry too much. If you show someone your underwear and say “Gargle me timbers and shiver the lasses!” or “Slinky My Cockpit!”, most guys will be able to figure it out.

/and girls complain that guys don’t understand subtle non-verbal communication. You just need to wear a kilt and demonstrate your intentions a little more clearly.

4) "Case of Taro" sounds a bit strange. Any of the following would be more grammatically accurate:

- Taro’s Story

- Taro’s Skit

- Taro’s Case

- Taro's Adventure In GaikokuPussyLand

- The Time That Taro Got Blown By His Teacher During Class...YEAH!!

5) The dialogue is spoken and transcribed a bit strangely. Here' s a revised script. My suggestions are in CAPITALS.

A: Hi Taro!

B: Hi Gloria, what’s up?

A: NOT MUCH…yeah… this is A /MY pussy

B: I see… this is A/MY dick.

A: IT’S A dick, not A cock, IS IT?

B: I'LL BE God Damned, you can say “Cock” too, CAN’T YOU?

I would say that “God Damned” is a bit strong for this situation. Maybe “Oh yeah, I forgot!” would be better).

A: All right, this is MY cockpit, isn’t it?

Cockpit: pussy, vagina, moist neither regions, bearded clam, whatever…. Cockpit is not so clear.

Isn’t it?: I think that she should have used falling intonation here instead of rising intonation. She isn’t asking him whether she just showed him her crotch… she’s telling him. So, “isn’t it.”

B: Yeah! I want to put MY COCK in(to) (there/you/your pussy)!

A: YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR dick inside MY pussy?

B: You are good at GIVING BLOW jobS, aren’t you?

(Dude!!! Why are you backpeddling??? She's so into you!!!)

A: Do you want to FIND OUT?

A & B: YEAH!

(This is exactly correct. When fooling around in English, people turn ninety degrees. Men turn to the right and women turn to the left. After this, both yell “YEAH!” immediately before any sexual activities.)

Overall, a well prepared lesson. Good elicitation and nice use of props and “realia”. Most of all, great job on student participation. Keep up the good work, and maybe bring another teacher to participate for the next lesson. That way, the class is sure to expand.

Language help for the language help:

/fortunately for me, most of the dirty words have already been explained...which is the point of this whole post.

Backpeddling: To go backwards, (as in pedal your bike backwards, or run backwards)... to back away from something you were headed towards before.

GaikokuPussyLand: "Gaijin" (outsider/foreigner) is actually quite a rude word in Japanese... "Gaikokujin" (person from another country) is considered much more polite. "Jin" means "person", so instead of person, I included a crass joke.

Healthy Digestion

Irony has many definitions, but I happen to enjoy these two the most:

1) A difference between what is expected and what actually happens.
2) When a word is used to mean something different than it's literal (dictionary) definition.


About 74% of the fun I have in Japan comes from the fact that I see irony everywhere.

(Editor's note: most likely, this indicates that the irony is within the Author, as he has (1) strange expectations and (2) a really strange mind).



Of course, whenever possible, I try to explain things with food.


Irony:
Q: What are we going to eat for dinner?
A: Stomach!




Interesting trivia: You can tell how long a western person has been living in Asia by the materials they come up with when trying to guess the identity of a new food. You can guess how much they like it here by their reaction to said new food.

Me: (holding up sliced stomach) "So...is this seaweed...or octopus.... or what?"
Friend: It's cow stomach.
Me: Ok. (chewing...) Mmmm! Tasty!

Insensitivity 101: Dangerous English

The job hazards related to teaching English are rather few and far between. Mostly, they are non-job related, and consist of such things as

1) Being semi regularly accosted by the police to make sure that you didn't steal the bicycle you are riding, and that you are in the country legally (3x to date).

2) Falling asleep on the train and going WAAAAY too far. (7x at least)

3) Being totally unable to express important thoughts like "Does it come in a light beige?" or "Where the hell does this bus go?" (A lot, but less common than a year ago)



To be honest, the sole hazards on the job as I have experienced them are mostly related to being accidentally insulted by students trying to make leaps of language.

Case and point was a while back when I asked my students to describe me, and the first one said..

"Umm....I think you're....chubby!"

All truthiness aside, this is still clearly not a good thing to say.

A related example came during a recent discussion of the health benefits of Japanese food. I pointed out that I have lost about 13kg since arriving, and thanked a combination of being more active and eating more healthily. One student nodded... then said sagely:

"Hmm... that IS interesting. You should lose another 13 kilograms."

While this...true, I did point out that it is generally considered rude to tell people to lose weight, regardless of whether or not they need to.


One of the best, though, came in a recent lesson on metaphors. I asked students to compare themselves to animals. They responded in kind, coming up with reasonable suggestions like cats, birds and bears. Then I asked them to think of one for me.

Student: (ponders....) I know! You are calm, thoughtful and you aren't...how do you say (waves hands frantically around)...
Me: Hectic? Busy?
Student: Yes! umm... you're like a ... COW!
Me: .... um....
Student: YES! You always take care when you correct us and that is thoughtful... like a Cow, right?
Me: Um...well... (writing "Cow" and "Bull" on the board)....first of all, "Cows" are female, and they are often associated with stupidity...


Of course, it's hard to be really insulted. I know that she was trying to be very flattering, and just got mixed up in the cultural connotations animals have. For example, Japanese people have a really hard time with "As quiet as a mouse", because mice are considered to be noisy and annoying here. In the end, it's my job as a teacher to make sure she doesn't get into any fistfights later in life.

And... I suppose Japanese people don't have the best impression of what cows are like...


But come on! It's still clearly a female cow. ... that's run out of Advil...


(I don't know if you can tell, but I'm ducking behind my keyboard here....)



ANYWAY... we're going to awkwardly segue into another common area for accidental insults: the fact that words can mean different things to British and North American speakers of English.

For example:

Harmless North American English story:
I had a rough time yesterday while running to catch a ride! I was headed out the door, and I caught my pants on the the knob! At first, I was pissed, but then I smiled, because I realized that I'd forgotten my fanny pack!


What it means to a North American:
I had a difficult time yesterday while running to catch my car-pool. I was headed out the door when I caught my jeans on the door handle. At first, I was angry, but then I smiled because I realized I'd forgotten my waist bag!


How it sounds to a British Person:
I had a rough time yesterday while running to have some sex. I was headed out the door, and I caught my women's underwear on the penis! At first, I was drunk, but then I smiled, because I realized that I'd forgotten my package of vaginas!

nee hong goh

It's true that Japan is insane sometimes, but part of the fun of living in a country where you don't understand 90% of the language is... pretending you do. This little bit of fun shows itself in several situations. Notably at restaurants, where knowing the basic flow of things can give you the appearance of linguistic fluency.

For example, here is a rough translation of the way things work when I eat dinner.　I've included the actual Japanese where I know it, to help undermine my point.　

(in a restaurant)

Waitress: AGHKASDJGAD (いらいしゃいませ！!） SHGAGAOIUAGS?　（なんべさま？）
Me: Table for two! (二人です。）
Waitress: GADOIPFBANODSURTA?　（？）
Me: Non Smoking, thank you.　（ええらない）
Waitress: 665SDK3LJFASDJ...　（どぞ！　こちらえ！）
;Me: Sure! We'll follow you. Sounds great!　（はい！）

... (later)...

Me: What do you recommend?　　（あなたのおすすめですか？）
Waitress: ASDOAGKH! WKJDAUA, SIUWTEIHSKK.... AND... AIDSFUGAKSJDGFI!
Me: Great! We'll take the second one and two beers!　（そうですか？　二番、とベルを二つお願いします）
Waitress: QWEUIOASDJFASD?　
Me: Umm... for now, we'll have two of these, and this. （とりあいず。。。これを二つと。。。これ）
Waitress: ADFLJGADSG! (はい！）


A year of social immersion is enough to learn how to function in common situations (lost on the train, renting a karaoke box, saying that you like Japan, etc) but still not enough to be able to have anywhere near a real conversation. So, before we move on to more shenanigans, I just want to give a shout out to everyone who has learned/is learning another language. Be you 日本人で英語をべんきよします, foreigners learning Japanese or anyone else learning anything else... it's bloody hard. Keep up the good work!


Ok! Now on to the better part of not understanding the language... the part that makes it fun. INVENTING YOUR OWN TRANSLATIONS!




Alligator: Let's meat for dinner!
Lion: No way! I'm not meating you tonight. I have to meat the lioness in two hours!




"No Interracial Cossack Dancing On The Roller Coaster"


Edit: bagged a better pic!






"We Listen To Too Much Hip Hop."