Wednesday, December 06, 2006

NSFW: How To Speak Sexy English

First of all, NSFW stands for “not safe for work”.


Thus, you can probably guess that this post won’t be very clean, seeing as reading it at work is probably grounds for losing your job. So, don’t read this at work. More specifically, don’t play the video.

Why?

Because this is a very rude post!


You shouldn't read it unless you already know or want to learn some very dirty English words.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve been teaching English for quite awhile. I think that I am a pretty good teacher, and about lessons are generally rather fun. I will admit, however, that next group of teachers taught such an interesting English lesson that other teachers will even be tempted to sign up.

Watch, enjoy, learn and grow as you see fit.

And by the way, that production was by far the most exciting way to ended in this lesson I’ve ever heard of.


So hold onto your virgin years, as I present to you...HOW TO SPEAK SEXY ENGLISH!






Language and Culture notes:

1) It’s spelled “mastUrbation”, not “mastErbation”.

2) I love that they censored the Japanese word for "Pussy", but not the Japanese word for "Cock". This in spite of the fact that they included a thirty second close-up shot of said (CENSORED).

3) I think they missed the mark with “cockpit”. I’d never heard of this used to describe anything other than the place where you drive an airplane from. I can see how they wanted to show a Pit (eg, a hole) is a good place to put a Cock, but I would have used two words (Cock Pit) and separated this metaphor from the other more widely used terms.

Back me up here, but if some girl told me to get to the "Cockpit" when when we weren’t on a plane, I'd think she was crazy. Mind you, if that girl lifted up her kilt and said “the goal to me in the complex!!!” most people would be able to figure out what she meant. So girls, don’t worry too much. If you show someone your underwear and say “Gargle me timbers and shiver the lasses!” or “Slinky My Cockpit!”, most guys will be able to figure it out.

/and girls complain that guys don’t understand subtle non-verbal communication. You just need to wear a kilt and demonstrate your intentions a little more clearly.


4) "Case of Taro" sounds a bit strange. Any of the following would be more grammatically accurate:

- Taro’s Story

- Taro’s Skit

- Taro’s Case

- Taro's Adventure In GaikokuPussyLand

- The Time That Taro Got Blown By His Teacher During Class...YEAH!!

5) The dialogue is spoken and transcribed a bit strangely. Here' s a revised script. My suggestions are in CAPITALS.

A: Hi Taro!

B: Hi Gloria, what’s up?

A: NOT MUCH…yeah… this is A /MY pussy

B: I see… this is A/MY dick.

A: IT’S A dick, not A cock, IS IT?

B: I'LL BE God Damned, you can say “Cock” too, CAN’T YOU?

I would say that “God Damned” is a bit strong for this situation. Maybe “Oh yeah, I forgot!” would be better).

A: All right, this is MY cockpit, isn’t it?

Cockpit: pussy, vagina, moist neither regions, bearded clam, whatever…. Cockpit is not so clear.

Isn’t it?: I think that she should have used falling intonation here instead of rising intonation. She isn’t asking him whether she just showed him her crotch… she’s telling him. So, “isn’t it.”

B: Yeah! I want to put MY COCK in(to) (there/you/your pussy)!

A: YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR dick inside MY pussy?

B: You are good at GIVING BLOW jobS, aren’t you?

(Dude!!! Why are you backpeddling??? She's so into you!!!)

A: Do you want to FIND OUT?

A & B: YEAH!

(This is exactly correct. When fooling around in English, people turn ninety degrees. Men turn to the right and women turn to the left. After this, both yell “YEAH!” immediately before any sexual activities.)

Overall, a well prepared lesson. Good elicitation and nice use of props and “realia”. Most of all, great job on student participation. Keep up the good work, and maybe bring another teacher to participate for the next lesson. That way, the class is sure to expand.




Language help for the language help:

/fortunately for me, most of the dirty words have already been explained...which is the point of this whole post.

Backpeddling: To go backwards, (as in pedal your bike backwards, or run backwards)... to back away from something you were headed towards before.

GaikokuPussyLand: "Gaijin" (outsider/foreigner) is actually quite a rude word in Japanese... "Gaikokujin" (person from another country) is considered much more polite. "Jin" means "person", so instead of person, I included a crass joke.

4 comments:

ed said...

3) I think they missed the mark with “cockpit”. I’d never heard of this used to describe anything other than the place where you drive an airplane from.

Way to dangle a preposition Sheltered Canadian. When I was a youth this is how the sex act was first explained; "The cock goes in the cockpit."

Of course, we never said, "You are good at blowing job aren't you?" but it seems to work with kilt-wearing Eastern European hostesses, so I may reconsider.

But I agree with your overall critic, no one says,"Yo, did you check out those pix of Brittiny Spears' floppy cockpit? Nasty business, eh?" And the video would have been much improved with the introduction of the underrated but hilarious "poontang".

"What's up?"
"Yeah. This is poontang." (close up of perfect teeth, close up of underpants).
"I see. This is deek. Deek" (Holds large package).
"Dick not cock?"
"Yes Gloria, my little Romanian trollop, I can call it a cock also. Want to see my Michael Jackson impersonation again?"
"Cock. Allright, this is poontang isn't it? Poontang."
"Yeah! Poontang! Let's make sweet monkey-love!"
"Is this dick inside of pussy?"
"English is not your first language, eh? But yeah, whatever."

Something for you to consider for a future post- the cultural difference in what is considered beautiful in teeth. Compare and contrast.

Merry Man In Japan said...

Way to dangle a preposition Sheltered Canadian.

Way to drop a comma, Fellow Wordsmith.


And as for Sheltered Canadian ... considering what I've eaten, sport humped and posed alongside .... I don't *really* need to defend myself over not knowing some dated slang, do I?



this is how the sex act was first explained; "The cock goes in the cockpit."


If memory serves, I think my father explained coitus using the word "vagina". I also remember him handing me a package of condoms with instructions to "try one on before I really needed to".

Wise parenting, I think.

I suppose he never got around to explaining "cockpit" in a non-airline sense, so I'll chew him out over Christmas dinner.


poontang, sweet monkey love and trollop

Yeah... I'll second you on this one. Students! Pay attention here...

Poontang: Pussy
Sweet Monkey Love: Wild sex
Trollop: Slut / Whore

Now get out there and practice using these words!


Japanese Teeth

Well, I went ahead and picked up a superzoom camera the other day, so maybe I can start getting better shots of the "perpendicuhilarity" going on in and around Japan.

Stay tuned and thanks again for reading/commenting.

Merry Man In Japan said...

For the record, Ed is right. I can only blame my recent habit of posting at about four in the morning and a healthy dose of proofreading laziness for my slip here.

I’d never heard of this used to describe anything other than the place where you drive an airplane from .

This sentence should read as follows:

I'd never heard of this used to describe anything other than the place from which you drive an airplane.


As for my comma comment regarding "Way to dangle a preposition Sheltered Canadian" ... the comma is apparently optional in in British English when you start a sentence with a preposition:

To my readers, this is probably boring.


Still, I'm going to go ahead and assume that Ed just made an error while trying to point out my error.

Karma's a bitch, man. Try not to bang her more than once a week.



Finally, what discussion of prepositions would be complete without quoting good ol' Winston...?



That's the sort of pedantry up with which I will not put

- Winston Churchill

ed said...

It is some kinda unwritten rule, those who schoolmarmishly correct others grammar/spelling online invariably make a stupid grammer/speeling error. Actually I just wanted to use the word 'dangling'. It seemed a good fit.

If memory serves, I think my father explained coitus using the word "vagina". I also remember him handing me a package of condoms with instructions to "try one on before I really needed to".

See, there's your problem, learning about sex from your parents rather than some delinquent in fourth grade.

Stay tuned and thanks again for reading/commenting.

Hey, you stood near Steven Seagal.