Saturday, November 11, 2006

And with the pinch hit... it's JAPAN for the win!

Apparently, somebody somewhere sent an urgent memo about all of the crazy things that the Koreans have been doing lately. That memo seems to have been read by somebody important in the Fucked Up Shit department, and they decided to call in the big sweatshop manufactured Chinese guns.

That's right. Japanese craziness has triumphed over Korean craziness with a bit of assistance from Yokohama's Chinatown. Chinatown itself is a mad land of street vendors selling buns, random kitsch and upscale duck restaurants. For good measure, they've also thwown a healthy helping of knock-off designer clothing, stolen intellectual property and easily accessible public transit.

Specifically, I recommend the Chinatown Museum, which is in the heart of Chinatown and the setting for all of this fun.

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Look for people ignoring the fearsome lion guardians that lost the power to smite foreigners around the 15th Century. That's when they traded in their mystic powers for some gold leaf and a nice view of the local schoolgirls.

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Head to the fifth floor and use the rest of this post as a step by step guide.


Now, you are probably asking how they answered the urgent fax from the "Fucked Up Shit" department and why all this buildup hasn't led to any actual fucked-up-ness yet. Mainly, it's because I lack focus. But we're all set up now, so hold on to your gender identities...


OK! First of all they went all crazy and changed the entire genus. Mammals? forget that. Fish? Childs's play. They went right to the source...the big show stopper.

Insects.

Yeah... that's right. The broke out the exoskeleton.


Oh... and by the way, in case you weren't clear, we aren't talking about sissy crap like killing insects in video games or having them as pets. No way. "Insects" is a category without par in one specific area.

DINNER.

Yes, that's right. In honour of all of the blustering that's been done about the things I will eat, I finally broke the bug barrier and ate something insectoid.

And, well... apparently the memo people at the Fucked Up Shit department wrote that memo ENTIRELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS, because they didn't schedule anything remotely normal, like a fly or a beatle. Nope. They wanted something... poisonous.

Like a fried scorpion.

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Ah hell... let's make it two so that Dave can play too.

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Oh? Those chicken wing thingies in the background?
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YEah... those aren't chickin wings.... Rather, they're Frogs' legs, which seem entirely tame and commonplace after the deep fried scorpion.


Anyone want to see this on video?





Oh yeah, we even managed to talk a bunch of other poor saps into trying the scorpions. And by "trying", I mean "posing for glamour shots with bugs in your mouth."

Suckers.

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Nice work Goshiko!

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Way to go Roli! er... Lori. Right.


Of course...you can't eat scorpions without washing them down. You need something extra special. Like Sake.

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mmm... delicious Sake.


Er, remember how the Fucked Up Shit Department wrote that memo in capitals? Well, sake is good... but you need sake with a special ingredient to really make an impact.

hmmm.... what could we use....


Um...

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How about a Lizard. That's fucked up, right? I'm not sure. Let's check again.

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Yep. Definitely fucked up.


It tasted a bit on the harsh side, but was in no way unplesant. In fact, one of my students managed to compose himself from his revulsion less than two minutes and fifteen seconds after I showed him these pictures.

"I heard those are good for your health..." he said.


Well, shit! Make mine a double!


After all, the good folk at the reptile brewery were good enough to put a picture on the bottle in case you weren't clear on the fact that you're drinking bits of fermented lizard.

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Heck, they even went ahead and listed the ingredients. They're in Japanese, but I'm pretty sure the first ingredient on the list is "600ml of Bragging Rights" followed closely by "DUDE, THERE'S A FUCKING LIZARD IN HERE! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!?"

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So... we've had bugs, amphibians and lizards coming together to meet the challenge and save some jobs at the F.U.S.D. Still, I suppose this is a bit of a cheap shot. This is "Merry Man In Japan", not "Merry Man Passing Off Fucked Up Chinese Food As Part Of A Crazy Japanese Adventure"



Don't worry. Japan always has more fun in store for the culinary adventurer.

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2 comments:

Heather said...

Ew.

Ew.

Yuck.

Ew.

Merry Man In Japan said...

Thank you! Thank you! I'm here all week! Try the 'veal'....