Dear Japan,

You know I love you. I have come to care for you very deeply, and you will always remain very special to me. You know, we shared a lot over this past year and a half, and I hate to write you like this, but perhaps its easier for both of us. I put this letter off for a long time, thinking that you would just go away, but I just can't forget you. So I know this might hurt, but I have to say a few things.

You have a lot of good things going for you. Takuya, for example, will always be there for you. He is a wonderful and hilarious man, and he will take good care of making sure that you don't stay out of too much trouble.

You'll always be able to take solace in the Heinan Gardens in Kyoto, which are amazingly beautiful. Try not to let them get too much sun, will you?











The concrete Toriis - ah, they are interesting. One never knows what will happen when you walk through them. This little gate, for example, leads to one of the most controversial religious sites in the entire world! Remember how a single politician's visit sparked controversy across Asia? It sure doesn't look all that controversial from the outside....





Still - I'm so glad I visited these places while we were spending time together. I spend quite a bit of time considering the historical debate that this place ignites among your citizens (quietly, and with respectful aims towards consensus, of course!) and around the world.

Of course, you aren't afraid of public opinion at all, are you? Perhaps that is part of your charm, that you can be so fascinated with cultures from around the world - yet quietly refuse to bow to even the most torrential international pressure.

(Whale restaurant, anyone?)

Also, I have to tell you that you can sometimes drink a bit too much sake. This can bring out bad behaviour in your friends.


Of course, one of the things I like best about you is your beauty. There is something magical about the marks your citizens have made on the earth.


Thousands of years or thousands of pounds of steel and concrets - you've built some amazing things. In fact, some of them are stacked on top of each other!

Of course, no one is perfect. You have a few really serious fetishes that are a bit much.

Neon, for example. Someone needs to find the Tokyo neon sign guy and chain him up. Just for one week of the year. Please?

Furthermore, you have a shoe fetish that makes the entire cast of "Sex in the City" look like sensible women with a small number of comfortable shoes.

You also have that whole semi-porno cartoon thing going on. Which is cool and all - we all have our private lives - but do you really have to advertise it (and READ it) on the train?



Especially when any self-respecting businessman can so easily blow a week's salary at a hostess bar that provides ACTUAL, live, giggling girls that pour his drinks for him? I mean, you have about ten near every train station, so maybe you could open up a cartoon-porn-reading nook or something? What's that? You have those and they're called "comic book stores?".

Oh well. At least the hostess clubs believe in truthful advertising.

And you take care of them, too! You even have a place for those well paid hostesses to unwind over drinks poured by pretty boys with 70 000 yen haircuts.



So, you know that I love you, Japan. But, as with any pile of sashimi, stack of 1000 yen notes or year and a half of international adventure, all things must eventually come to a close. My time with you has been wonderful, educational, shocking (for both of us, I suppose) and more interesting than I ever hoped it could have been.

I learned several new languages (spoken Japanese, written Japanese, drunken businessman Japanese), made many new friends, and learned an entirely new set of cultural cues. (bow-lock anybody?)

Still, I had to leave you.

Why? Well, I found someone else, you see. Yes, I did know her all along, but now things are getting serious, and you just can't come between us any more.

Cheesy, silly, ridiculous love. You offered a life of adventure, Japan, but at the end of the day I'm going to come home instead. This love is good stuff – I suggest you try it some time. I’ll let you know how the whole marriage thing works out too– most likley with fewer offensive videos.

Anyway, I just wanted to write and let you know that I'm doing well. I'm sure you've got lots of boys that will give you the attention you crave.

I'll think of you often, I promise. Don't worry about me. I'll find some new adventures.

Tokyo, I'll miss ya. Don't offend too many people without me.

I took one last picture of you, from the bus on the way to the airport. I hope you don't mind.

PS: Write back soon.

2 Channel Attacks!

Some time ago, I found myself in the perfect storm of cultural hijinks – too much time, not enough supervision, a willing audience and a video camera. While waiting at a local train station for a friend to arrive, several pals of mine and I got into a fair bit of trouble “testing” the sensitivity of the train gate sensors. You can read all about it and see some fancy little videos I posted HERE

While the feedback I received initially was altogether cheerful and appreciative, our comic hijinks were picked up a Japanese news-gathering/community website called “2 Channel”. This site is one of the major Japanese internet communities, so I suppose I should be flattered that they stumbled across my little corner of the internet. The site is completely anonymous, unlike many English-language sites (eg YouTube, Fark, Digg, etc) that require a username. The total anonymity means that the site is rife with that special form of honesty for which the internet is so effectively used. You can read about it here if you want to know more.

As many of the posts were in Japanese, I had a hard time figuring out what was up at first. Internet slang is well beyond my meager nihongo, and it also confuses the shit out of the literal translator application over at Google. (1)

Some more posts followed, and people were kind enough to post their thoughts in English for my benefit (and surely your benefit as well, dear reader). They were a bit cryptic at first, including such gems as

the level is too low.

Others were clearer in their points, offering straightforward bits of wisdom:

gaijin get out and creepy pink


Some of the folk expressed their feelings about our comic stylings with

All Japanese don't like this.
Stop stupid action.

F---ing crazy pig, get out of Japan.

fuckofffuckfuckfuckfuck!
get away from jp


typical retarded caucasian bastards. this one's so classic.

Some people had very subtle and well thought out arguments as to why this behaviour upset them:

...Just go back to your homeland and lick your mother's ass next.
BRAIN DEAD ASSHOLE, GO HOME!

I think this guy was touched on some sort of deep emotional level. Maybe he has a toy train set or something.


This little flame war helped me to remember an important truth of our time: people enjoy being jerks on the internet. Maybe this is because of the pseudo-anonymity, or perhaps because of the fact that text-based communication removes all of the potential for sarcasm, emotion and other non-verbal communication to register. Maybe people feel safer on the internet, or they take personal and cultural slights far more seriously. Maybe this phenomenon is similar to the way dogs act really tough when they are behind a door or the other dog is tied up. Whatever the reason, I'm happy to see that internet-sulting is not an exclusively western phenomenon.

I’m not going to deny that I’m immune to this, because I certainly fired back. I did manage to restrain myself from the lowest of blows, being (a) attacking people’s grammar, especially that of non-native English speakers and (b) proving Goodwin’s Law, which holds that as the length of an online discussion approaches infinity, the probability that someone will make an analogy including Hitler or Nazis approaches 100%.

People did throw around the “You’re a racist” stuff, of course. As if by goofing off at a train turnstyle or pointing out things I find funny I am somehow heaping some massive insult on several thousand years of Japanese culture and history. I think you'd be pretty hard pressed to get the impression that I don't like Japan from this blog, or that I am spearheading some sort of cultural invasion that is going to undo J-society.

/bwah hah hah?


Anyway, my favourite character was the one that successively called me 1) An American, 2) An Australian and 3) A racist.


“I think you are racist.
If you say "no",do same thing in America.
fuckin' Aussie!!!!!!!!!!!”

That was internet reasoning at its best: making massive, faulty generalizations based on ethnicity, WHILE calling someone a racist. You can have your cake, or you can eat it, but you can’t have both without a semi-anonymous commenting system.

I pointed this out to my semi-anonymous friend, and he responded with the usual “I’m not a racist, I just worry that foreigners are going to commit a lot of crimes.”.

…

Um...

Yeah...


I suppose he’s right in that people with different cultural backgrounds have different expectations about behaviour. I’m the first to admit that 95% of the shit that I pull would not be pulled by your everyday random Japanese national. But I hold firm that those who make cultural generalizations are not allowed to use the term “racist” as an insult. There are certain rules about these sorts of things. Much like black folk are the only ones allowed to use the “N” word (and there are debates about that… I know *I* can’t even type it, anyway), and the use of the word “fag” in non-british-cigarette contexts is politely restricted to those who have reclaimed it.

Anyway, I digress. Go read the comments on the videos if you want some wit. (You can reach them right here if you want to:

One
Two
Three
Four


As a final thought, I was quite pleased to see that a number of other people came to my defense to some extent, and chastised the angry “foreigners get out/don't disrespect the turnstyle” crowd.

One fellow seems to be from the same humour school as I am:

You were having some fun. What a bunch of complaining idiots. This from an employee of a transit system for 25 years. Retired,but if I saw it I would have laughed. Keep having fun and don't let a buch of dweebs ruin your sense of humor.

Perhaps most heartening was this sort of thing:

I'm sorry for the comments below. As you know, those who wrote these insulting words are definitely not typical Japanese. They misconstrued your blog and other stuffs, for they cannot understand English. However, I advise you not to upload "cheating Japanese train gates", because some people may take them as a covert disregard to the Japanese rules, and thus think that you are looking down on Japanese society.

Anyway, I hope you would fully enjoy your rest stay in Japan.

Sincerely from one genuine Japanese boy

Well, genuine Japanese boy, I know that people like you make up the huge majority of people you meet in Japan. The other jerks are too busy hurling insults around various message boards to really bother anybody.

So, thanks to those guys who laughed with me, and to all of you grumpy people that don’t like foreigners, I suspect you’d be a lot happier with your lives if you spent less time criticizing those enjoying theirs.

Ryoanji – 竜安寺 or Rocking Enlightenment

Japanese shrines are famous for being ancient, tranquil and philosophical. Most likely, you are well aware of the concept of the rock garden. In concept, the Rock Garden is very simple – some monks place a bunch of rocks in a garden and contemplate them. Of course, there are 1001 cliches that one can use to justify the trip up to see one. In short – they are peaceful. This is something that you can gather from any stereotype, wikipedia entry and guidebook. What you can’t grasp without checking one out is the fact that the clichés are right. It *is* peaceful, and it does make you want to contemplate your place in the world.



And by "contemplate your place in the world", I definitely mean "strike stupid poses in front of thousand year old scenery"

One of the places that we visited in Kyoto is called “Ryoanji”. It's famous. And popular.




Amazingly, despite the crowd, it's somehow actually easy to find peaceful spots throughout the shrine.






Most famous, and probably most peaceful is the famous rock garden that Ryoanji boasts. Rock gardens are sculpted out of .... well... rocks. But they are sculpted to represent waves, water and the motion that goes with them. Somewhere in the representation of chaos and movement in a static field of rock is a scene that actually makes you want to sit and think. I actually did sit and think for about twenty minutes. The garden was calming, relaxing and rather amazing. Although a good ten minutes of my twenty minute think was focused on the potential enlightenment potential of the word "cannonball", I did manage to restrain myself from following that spiritual path.

But man, it would have been ugly if I was better at zen.

In any case, this garden is actually a well known signpost on the path to enlightenment. Legend has it that anyone who can see the 14 stones in this garden at the same time has truly reached enlightenment.

Let's try to get 14.



Three...or maybe four, depending on how you count that cracked one.



Seven rocks and seven tourists that are still looking at PICTURES OF THE ROCK GARDEN! GAH! IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! (pant pant pant....sort of fourteen....)



Seven.



Two! Gar. Getting farther from zen peace with each picture.



Six! This is about as well as I'll do.



A 90 degree rotation yields.... three.





One ... and a cross? Interesting.

In any case, I did find enlightenment there. Maybe it’s because the “bu” in “burento” or “無連斗” also happens to translate as “zen”, but I figured it out.

All you need to do is look at the Rock Garden from the TOP.



Ha! Instant enlightenment. Leave your 100 yen coin in the box at the door and don't forget to tip your waiter, ladies and gentlemen. The above is a picture of a scale model of the garden. I wouldn't want to post instant enlightenment here on my blog. I'd rather you read at least a few articles and find enlightenment. If you *really* want to understand enlightenment, you should start with the penis festival.


Now that we're somewhat enlightened, anyway, we can move on to the second amazing thing about Ryoanji.




This fountain is actually contains a symbol that consists of four different kanji, all of which use the centre box as part of their shape.




吾　唯　足　知

These can be translated in several ways.

According to Google, they mean “Our (something) foot knowledge”.

This is very deep, but my friend Dave had a better translation:

“Learn only to be contented”.

Or, in other words, you should educate yourself, but your goal should be contentment. Don't worry as much about competing with others or achieving certain targets. You should study things that make you content.

Pretty cool. In fact, the next time you are bummed out because you failed a test, you can bust out some zen philosophy to rationalize away those “C” marks to your heart’s content!

In an even more brilliant melding of zen philosophy and Japanese ingenuity, this very same symbol is available at the gift shop. You can get it as a key chain, paper weight, or best of all, with the centre hole re-purposed as a beer bottle opener.

Now that’s spiritual enlightenment I can work with!

Japanese Thank You - どもありがとう （ございます）

Sometimes, I am reminded that Japanese is often more formal than English. To properly express a given meaning in a given situation, sometimes you need a lot more talking.

Bill Murray's character demonstrates some of what might get lost in translation during an aptly named movie (er, "Lost in Translation", for those of you asleep in your sashimi). During this scene, Bill Murray's actor character (Bob) is trying to shoot a commercial with a Japanese Director.

Here's the scene, translated fully into English. (Thanks Wikipedia!)

Bob: Does he want me to, to turn from the right or turn from the left?

Interpreter (in formal Japanese, to the director): He has prepared and is ready. And he wants to know, when the camera rolls, would you prefer that he turn to the left, or would you prefer that he turn to the right? And that is the kind of thing he would like to know, if you don't mind.

Director (very brusquely, in colloquial Japanese): Either way is fine. That kind of thing doesn't matter. We don't have time, Bob-san, O.K.? You need to hurry. Raise the tension. Look at the camera. Slowly, with passion. It's passion that we want. Do you understand?

Interpreter (In English, to Bob): Right side. And, uh, with intensity.



I'm pretty sure this is spot on.




/of course, they might just be giving additional instructions here, like "On alternating Juesdays, this walkway is flooded with molten lava. Please use the other exit."

Cultural Dichotomy Simplified

Many important cultural developments have come from Japan over its thousands of years of history. Many scholars who spend their entire lives trying to dissect the complex interplay between tradition, technology and social duty that forms the basic fabric of Japanese society. I am not one of these people, so I happen to enjoy reducing this culture to simple categories. Let's call them “Good” and “Evil”.

Let’s do some of that categorization, shall we?

Good: Samurai
Evil: Ninjas

Good: Nintendo Wii
Evil: Sony DRM

Good: Sushi
Evil: Natto

Good: Tokyo Transit System
Evil: Tokyo Transit System during rush hour.

Good: Japanese TV as Entertainment
Evil: Japanese TV as Education

Good: Attitude towards Foreigners in a bar
Evil: Attitude towards Foreigners on a train

Good: Japanese Sizes, as an observer.
Evil: Japanese Sizes, as a shopper.

Good: Eating Ramen
Evil: Digesting Ramen



I’m sure you can think of lots more. Feel free to post them.

Pantomime: the pop-opera of gesture talk

There are many challenges that come with living in a nation that doesn't share your mother tongue. It's new, exciting, and hands down the best place to study another language. It makes for fun adventures and the sense of being someplace new. Of course, it can also make for some added challenge. The simplest tasks - asking directions, buying personal items, trying to avoid being arrested - often come with an added level of difficulty.

A famous psychologist once claimed that over 90% of meaning that we express is through means other than the words that we say - that tone of voice and non-verbal communication express most of what we want to say.

This is a bit of a misquotation, actually. What our friend (whose name is Albert Mehrabian, by the way) meant is that we tend to trust non-verbal cues more than the words people say when it comes to making basic judgements about their emotional messages. For example:

Brent (Smiling warmly and clapping you on the shoulder): I hate that you did that!

Would you think I was really upset, or do I sound sarcastic? I think you'd figure out that I'm not angry unless I sound/look angry. Nonetheless, understanding non-verbal cues can only take you so far for determining how much people like you in a foreign nation. Learning the language is the best way to make yourself understood. The only problem is the fact that it takes many long hours of studying to learn a language - up to five or ten thousand hours to become fluent. I guarantee that you will need supplies from the grocery store before well before you'll know how to describe what you're looking for.

So what does that leave?

Pantomiming.

Living in a land without speaking the language quickly transforms you. You become a dramatic genius capable of describing anything from beer to bus stops with a series of exaggerated gestures. Who knew that unit on clowning from theatre school would ever come in so handy!?!

Here are some things I have managed to acquire through the use of gesture-language. Like any form of language, some concepts are easier to explain than others...

Beginner items are pretty straightforward - you basically mime using the item.
Toothbrush: Brushing
Shampoo* Washing
Tie: Tie-ing

Intermediate items sometimes take several motions together.
Fire Extinguisher (Fire Motion + Spraying Motion + No More Fire Motion)
Re-entry to the train station after taking the wrong exit (Pointing, Walking, Looking, No + Friends, Pointing, Walking Back)

Advanced items need gestures other than the ones you might think of first.
Toilet Paper: Squatting + Spinning the roll + making a Wad.

Sometimes advanced items require a small amount of bravado.
Pearl Rabbit: Make steady, ever-so-slightly-sheepish eye contact with the clerk. Hold up an arm. Make a buzzing sound. Nod.

Sidebar: I had a shy friend who always wanted a rabbit. I have little shame, so I volunteered to get it. The poor, poor saleswoman was *quite* taken aback, but eventually quite helpful in finding said product.


Of course, sometimes additional problems are created with the whole gesture thing, as people from other lands often use other gestures. Take the OK sign, for example. You know, the one where you connect your index finger to your thumb and show the "O". Seems pretty straightforward, right?

In Japan, that gesture means "Money".

So, imagine if someone wants your help with something. They a fact they communicate to you through gestures. Flash the OK sign? Yeah... you just said "I'll help you if you give me some money." Not so good. But things could be worse: PLEASE don't flash that "OK" in the Middle East. Apparently, in that part of the world, it means "You're an Asshole".

I suppose this is all very academic. So, class, let's take a look at a fun real-world example of trying to puzzle things out!

This is a music video for a song called "Yatta". If you speak a bit of Japanese, you might be able to puzzle out some of the things this song. Of course, if you can speak a bit of Japanese, you have advanced well beyond the whole "gesture to buy beer stage", and this is all old news to you. Thanks for reading along with the rest of the crowd!

Fun exercise:

1) Watch the video. Try to figure out what they "#!#$&! they are singing about.




Any ideas?
You may have concluded that they were happy about something. Why that caused them to dance around nearly naked in front of thousands of people is probably a longer gesture story than the one you got. Even with some letters and a few of the "lucky" English phrases that Japanese pop stars love to throw in to their music, I was bloody lost after watching this.


2) Ok - now watch it again with subtitles.



Pretty different, eh? They ARE being ridiculously cheerful, so you can see that your non-verbal communication is doing ok. The finer points are pretty unique though.



Now you're reasonably emotionally prepared for the experience of living with a foreign language. Definitely partially ready. 100% somewhat equipped.

Ah, you'll figure it out. Regardless, you might want to remember this ideaif you have an upcoming trip to a nation that doesn't share your native tongue. Along with that phrasebook, you might think about pre-scripting some short skits to describe your favourite goods and services.




Notes:

1) Pantomime: a form of theatre populated with sterotypes and generally performed during the holidays to family audiences. Much like my life, Pantomime is often full of very subtle cross dressing, and dirty themes. Mainly it sounds funnier than the word "Mime" - which is "to perform without speaking" and what I actually used to explain myself.

2) exacerbate means "to make something worse"

3) Pantomime: a stage show that doesn't involve any words.

4) ever-so-slightly-sheepish : a tiny bit embarrassed.

5) I believe in giving due credit - those two vids came from my dear buddy Geoff Cross.

Kinkakuji: historical....bling?

Well known fact #1: Kyoto has a fair number of temples.

The Truth Behind it: Yep, this one is true. There are about 321089293 temples in this town, or at least it seems that way. There is no way that one can visit any significant portion of the cultural treasures that this city holds. Of course, one can certainly visit a good number of the famous ones, and therefore have enough experience to make snap judgements on the entire city.

So, without further ado, I’m proud to present FAMOUS TEMPLE SNAP JUDGEMENT # 1: Kinkakuji.


Kinkaku-ji is actually part of a large Buddhist temple complex, known as Rokuon-ji.



It's easy to find, as there is very massive kanji on the hill nearby.


This large character means ... "large". Very straightforward.

Before we get into the temple and what makes it so fancy, perhaps a quick TSI refresher in Buddhism is in order. Buddhists teach that life is suffering, and that one should turn inward to seek spiritual enlightenment, rejecting immoral behavior and following a sacred path. Buddhists believe that following the path helps them resist the source of suffering, which is desire – including lust, greed, envy and all that other fun stuff. As with most major religions, the the sacred path includes some of the usual “no-nos”: No Killing, No Lying, No Copious Humping Of Russian Prostitutes. Some Buddhists have other unique rules: No Sleeping On Giant Comfy Beds, and the Gremlin-esque*, No Eating After Noon.

Ok! Now that we are all up to Buddhic speed, we can get back to the TSI investigation.

You see, Kinkakuji is interesting, given its current status as a Buddhist temple. Once upon a time, back in 1397, the Shogun decided to visit the area. Someone decided that perhaps they wanted to help the Shogun see that the riches of the material world are only skin deep, or maybe they wanted to distract him from all of the sorrow in the world, or maybe they just wanted him to make their local temple a major part of his Shogun-circuit, but they decided to outfit one of the pavilions in a very unique manner.

Pure Gold.




Kinkakuji or “金閣寺” translates as “Temple of the Golden Pavillion” – which is pretty much spot on, as you can see.



It's really pretty.



Some years later, someone thought that a building covered in gold jived really well with the Buddhist persuit for personal fulfillment. I totally see the connection, don't you?

Buddhist A: Forget the desires of the ouside world!
Buddhist B: Woah! Check out that gold building! It's purty!
Buddhist A: WOW! THAT'S AMAZING!!!!
Buddhist B: What were we doing again?

I’m sure I'm not alone in seeing the wonderful irony that exists when a group focused on ignoring the desires of the outside world has an entire building that was blinged* up to impress a visiting dignitary. That’s serious comedy.

Of course, Buddhists are hardly the only religion that seems to have done something counter-intuitive to the basic precepts. Buddhists have made a vast contribution to enriching the art and culture of the entire world. Don’t let the TSI team take anything away from their work. After all….I don’t really want to get into listing examples of major world religions whose followers’ actions don’t jive with their teachings.

Mind you, MerryManMakingIllInformedAndIllResearchedSocioCulturalReligiousStereotypicalJudgments doesn’t have the same ring as the current title, does it? So I'll keep the jokes-at-the-expense-of-monks to a minimum.

Mostly.

Anyway, where were we?

Ah, yes. Ancient Temple. Covered in Gold. Right. GOLD.



Er… did I say ancient? Well… about that…

If you happen to run over to the official website run by the tech-savvy monks that run the temple that runs this temple. (got that?), you might notice that there is an interesting gap in the history of the temple. They stop at about 1917.

Why might that be?

Well, this is hardly something that the temple folk like to publicize, as it might not be the best sales pitch for attracting potential visitors. You see, their definition of “ancient” is a bit flexible.

Let’s set the way-back machine to... oh... 1950.

Back then, there was a crazed monk. Now, we can surmise that this crazed monk didn't appear to be crazed at the time. In fact, he was likely quite popular among the local monk-dom (and the monkettes? Platonically, of course, as monks are celibate I think.... unless they are allowed to date within carefully proscribed monk-ey boundaries? Ah, I digress....) Monks tend to have a fair bit of time on their hands. Each monk is expected to dedicate themselves to some pursuit or other. This monk happened to choose the Temple of the Golden Pavilion as his dedication-thingey. And dedicate he did. In fact, he built up a healthy obsession to the point where he felt that the temple was controlling his life.

We all have various methods of dealing with stress. I personally feel that “reading a book”, “buying a model train set” or even “getting copiously drunk on cheap convenience store sake and calling random people in your cell phone” are good ways of dealing with stress - at least compared to what this fellow chose to do. (A healthy Facebook and/or MySpace addiction is also a semi-reasonable way to spend time, but sadly our anti-hero had the misfortune of being born long before our wired, enlightened times)

Anyway, our chap decided to do something a little more elemental to cope with his fixation on the temple.

He burned the five and a half century old struture to the ground.

Ta DA! Problem solved!

You see, this beautiful, ancient golden temple/tourist trap is actually a recent reconstruction. Although his fact made for several straight-to-video movies and a few comic books, it is not exactly published anywhere in the temple literature. Sneaky, sneaky monks.

Why might the monks keep such a major event in temple history (ie, the end of it) on the down-low? Well…. It comes down to economics. Temples are actually pretty sound business centres, which own fair amounts of property and are not ashamed to make a bit of coin here and there. You might even spot the odd BMW here and there, and some temples actually run large, fancy hotels (tune in soon for TSI: Temple Hotel).



A major source of income for the monks is the asmission fees they charge tourists to come in and look around the temple grounds. This isn’t a huge amount of cash - anywhere from 300 yen to about 1000 yen per person - but it adds up. In fact, a nice temple on a busy train line can make some serious coin.

And when I say "serious coin", I mean that they are serious about collecting your coin.



Can you really blame them? They have a temple that’s covered in freakin’ GOLD, and you can can bet that it brings in a huge amount of tourist money. Temples are expensive to maintain, so there's no problem with charging people admission to enjoy them. But.... what happens when your world-famous temple goes up in smoke? (sorry. had to be said). Well..no more tourist money.

But what to do? What to do?
Of course, rebuilt it!

Heck, why not improve things a bit?
Sure! During the reconstruction, they even extended the gold leaf over the entire building – an improvement, so to speak.

Problem solved. The hordes of tourists still show up in droves. The monks, of course, are sure to provide for your every tourist need.

You want fortunes? And you don't speak Japanese!



No problem!



Just be sure to have your hard money ready!



The fact that they forgot the word "earned" should NOT be taken as any sort of underhanded criticism of the monk-ey lifestyle. They pay down like everyone else.


Anyway, the whole "reconstrucing the burned temple" thing has, of course, spread a few seeds of doubt. In order to reassure people that the temple is not being reconstructed regularly with other gold-like materials, they have placed it under 24 hour internet surveillance.

If you want to check it out, try this webcam:


Since Japan is in a different time zone, you can catch some fairly beautiful views during times when the temple is not normally open to the public. I checked it at around 5:00 EST, and got a pretty amazing sunrise. So have a peek, and remember: The “Click here to have a deranged monk burn down the Temple” button has been disabled in both IE and Firefox.


Welcome back. Sure is pretty, isn’t it?

In a way, it’s somewhat of a metaphor for Japanese society. The reconstruction hasn’t really made a difference to most of the tourists coming. It’s still a stunning structure, and one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I highly recommend the trip if you happen to be in the neighbourhood.　Fittingly, the top of the roof has a phoenix mounted on it.



Out of the flames, the Temple of the Golden Pavilion rose from ashes, to once more become a beautiful, fascinating place.

Japan is much the same. It has risen from challenges and destruction over much of its history. The way things appear to be is of vital importance. Harmony is to be preserved at all times, and if things appear to be working, they are working.

Japan loves beauty in all things – people, relationships and places. This exterior judgement plays out in a hundred thousand ways each day – from Louis Vutton bag toting gals whose full time job is fashion to late-working, nine-coffee-break-taking salary men, appearances are to be maintained at all times.

Somehow, for a building like this, it doesn’t really matter. The building might be fifty years old – a cultural Disneyland, carefully manicured to a perfect theme park experience designed to bring in tourist dollars – but it does it really matter? Kinkaku-ji is breathtaking, photogenic and immeasurably memorable.



After all, if someone had the audacity to gold-plate a Motel 6, that would still be worth the trip. This place at least has the courtesy to look like it deserves the attention.



The Monks have the right idea. Forget all about that little glitch in the perfect history of this perfect cultural treasure. Take it in, take pictures and let yourself sink into the majesty of what is surely a crown jewel in a town full of treasures.

　　






* Gremlinesque. “The Gremlins” was a famous movie about cute, cuddly creatures that turned into horrible monsters if you fed them after midnight. I suspect this is not true for most Buddhists.

* blings – to bling. Usually a noun, “bling” is a word from American hip-hop, which describes lots of expensive shiny things, like gold and diamonds.

* Japan is 13 hours ahead of EST right now, and 14 during daylight savings time.

Random Picture Highlights

Ad malgamation

Japanese Marketers are a wildly effective lot. Tissue papers and faaaar too many anthropomorphic things are the basic weapons of war in the advertising toolbox.


Of course, total disregard for any connection between the spirit of your product and the image company it keeps is a good way to stand out. Gyoza are deep fried dumplings, and probably among the least healthy and most fattening snacks to be had in Japan. In other words, they go perfectly with a nice cold can of beer.

Makes sense.

Right?






English help: anthropomorphic - giving human attributes to everyday things. Like smiley faces on trains and sad faces on furniture.

Kyoto - Japanese Moms & Plationic Nudity

One of the side effects to having a lot of adventures is that sometimes the experiences are so jam-packed into a given set of days that the actual recording of them falls into an awful void that I like to call “notes”. Notes are wonderful, and they help you recall the experience, but they still don't provide very good entertainment value for your non-paying but greatly appreciated audience. And, dear audience, you are indeed appreciated. I enjoy crazy adventures, and I enjoy the idea that I can bring a bit of joy into YOUR life.

In any case, I've resolved to steel my resolve, and start putting down all the things I shoulda-woulda-coulda recorded, because it’s been one crazy month. The path has been wild and exciting, and I'm a new man now. You’ll all have to treat it like cable TV though. I've shot the episodes, and several members of the cast know the ending already, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t sit back and enjoy some more of the merry adventures of the Merry Man in Japan.

Without further ado, I present….


A Kyoto Tale, part 1: Japanese Mom(s)


The Setup

Kyoto is arguably one of the most important and interesting places in all of Japan. Not only do they say “osaki-ni” instead of “arigatou gozaimasu” (“thank you”), it happens to also be the famous for a climate change accord, as well as the presence of some, uh…. history. In fact, Kyoto is home to so many cultural treasures that a trip there regularly forces you to ignore several thousand-year-old shrines and as you head for other, more famous thousand-year-old shrines. All in all, it’s an incredible place.

During my various travels, I have definitely come to appreciate the common sense wisdom of “local advice”. People who live in an area are obviously able to point out the little things that make your trip worthwhile. Unfortunately, the locals live...well... at the place to which you are headed. This makes it rather more difficult to randomly run into them as you are planning said trip. This, of course, leaves the next best thing: someone who has been there a whole whack of times.

This leads me to address one of the best things about teaching: the fact that you get to meet a large number of rather wonderful people, all with different interests and experiences. I have several students who have lived long and interesting lives, which means they have a lot of advice to give about everything from child rearing to restaurant choice. One of my students is particularly fond of both dinner parties and the city of Kyoto – two areas of expertise in which she has been quite kind in sharing with me and with my fellow teachers.

Naturally, when it came time to head up to Kyoto, I asked her for some advice. She told me that she would think about it, and then asked me some basic questions (e.g., Did I want to do things as cheaply as possible or was I open to spending a bit more? How many people were going? Did I want to stay in a traditional place? How many days and nights? Are you going to be crazy culturally menacing foreigners? Please don't burn down our cultural heritage....Pretty please?).

It is a strange brew indeed – a combination of national pride, earnest desire to help someone in need, and genuine interest in the subject – but some of my students would go to extraordinary lengths to do things for their teacher (er, me!). I don't want to speculate on the effort involved, but two weeks later this particular student waltzed into class hefting a large folder and a larger smile. Opening it up with a grin, she revealed what amounted to a 1200-picture worthy, three point five day fully guided tour of the historical capital of Japan. She had information packages, maps, sightseeing notes and guidebooks – all of it furiously highlighted and bilingually annotated.

Getting there

To get us there, she'd found and booked the luxury “Night Dream” bus, which sported extra wide, super reclining seats three abreast – perfect for large 南蛮人 (barbarian/foreigner) butts. If you are ever planning a long distance trip, such as the Tokyo-Kyoto route, and you don’t want to travel on the painful regular bus (5000 yen), but save money over the新幹線Shinkansen (12000 yen), the “Night Dream” buses (8700) are a wonderful compromise. I even managed to refrain from stealing the very comfortable JR slippers and JR blankets that we were thoughtfully provided with.

Upon arrival, we managed to find our way to the Matsuihonkan – the Ryokan (traditional Japanese Hotel) that my pseudo-mother managed to book for us. We were served some delightful tea in the lobby, and given some snazzy chocolates to enjoy while they checked our bags for the day. I strongly recommend this place if you are planning to stay in Kyoto – mainly because the female staff are another group of excessively helpful mother-esque people.

There are a few places in the world that always exhibit the utmost concern for the customer. North Americans might find top notch service at their favourite restaurants or at an upscale men’s tailor, but it’s really hard to comprehend the level of service that the Japanese afford to their guests. In fact, the words “guest”, “customer” and “client” all have the same translation in Japanese. The customer is a “guest”, and is treated as such. A good Ryokan is the pinnacle of this service. To boot: Your room is served by 3 (THREE!) maids.

“It’s like having a Japanese Mom for a day.”



Dave was nearly correct when he pointed this out. You see, “maid” might be a bit of a misrepresentation of the staff, as you never actually have to tell them to do anything. Instead, they take care of everything you might want, and then some. They are kind of like Moms, that is if your Mom never told you to clean your room, but instead did it for you with a waaaay bigger smile than any Mom ever had while picking up someone else’s crap.



We’ll call them Mom #2, #3 and #4 respectively. (#1 being my student.)

After we arrived, Mom #2 and Mom #3 led us to our room and made sure that it was stocked with sweets and a fresh order of delicious tea. They laid out traditional Japanese Robes, and pointed out useful things like towels, the bathroom, comfy robes, and the window (helpful!)



They also sneakily grabbed our shoes out of the entrance room and CLEANED them.

I was a huge fan of Mom #4 (not pictured above), because she spoke English reasonably well. By "reasonably", I mean she could definitely fulfill all of the duties of a Ryokan maid in English, but her intonation left something bit lacking: She seemed to be unable to form the intonation for a question - all of her sentences ended up sounding more like orders.

"I'LL BRING YOUR DINNER UP AT FOUR, WON'T I!!!"

"YOU WANT A WAKE UP CALL!."

"I WILL NOW PREPARE YOUR BEDS. BE COMFORTABLE.".


Later on they brought a glorious feast, which fulfills the evil, secret purpose of the Ryokan: to generate as many dirty dishes as possible. To this end, they serve a wonderful spread of delicious food on so many little plates that they need several trays per person to bring them all in.

Pictures speak louder than words, I believe.



We definitely showed suitable respect for the effort put into dishware variety.





Every hotel needs a Sento.

After dinner, a trip down to the Sento is essential. A Sento is a communal Japanese Bath, spiritually similar to the natural hotsprings (Onsens). A sento doesn’t have naturally heated mineral water, but it’s still incredibly relaxing. To those of you who are unfamiliar, it’s basically like a giant public bathtub surrounded by sitting showers. The sitting-shower took some time to get used to at first, but after you’ve come to terms, you realize that you can clean certain things better if you can reach them (for example FEET, you filthy people). After scrubbing yourself, you jump into a super hot bath, and you can engage in pleasant semi drunken late night philosophy. After all, few things build rapport like mutual nudity and intellectual interest. I know Plato would have loved it.

I couldn't really take a camera into the bath, as that would have destroyed but I can certainly show you how relaxed one feels AFTER consuming booze, soaking in a hot tub, and retiring to bed in a lovely yukata/robe...



Up next: choosing the best 1000 year old shrine complex.


Japanese Notes: 南蛮人 “Nambanjin”... literally “southern barbarian”. This is my favourite Edo era word for foreigners. 外人 (Gaijin) is actually somewhat offensive, and 外国人 (Gaikokujin) is nowhere near as funny.