Levels of Foodsanity

There are many examples of crazy cuisine in Asia. Perhaps there are some areas like China and Thailand that are rumoured to eat various seemingly revolting delicacies, such as monkey heads, cats, snakes, dragon flies, and so on and so forth.

Japan, however, has the best known “odd” cuisine – at least by western standards. Best known outside of Japan, of course, would be sushi in its various forms. Many people find the idea of eating raw fish to be a little unappealing.

Of course, if you’ve read my blog for a bit, or met me, then you will know that I happen to enjoy sushi very much. I even touched on whale and horse sashimi a few weeks ago. (Sorry, world. But that serves you right for serving up something that works as both lunch and a ride TO lunch. As for the whale, I won't make a habit out of it, but curiosity got the better of me.)

Next up the ladder would perhaps be fu-- … um… fu something. That blow fish that contains enough poison to kill you if it’s not properly prepared. I haven’t tried it yet, but I plan to. Mind you, I don’t intend to ask for it as take out or from some place with a dilapidated yellow sign that says something like “5%0 the price off! Good Here Eat!! ” But still… its on the list.

The next few rungs on our ladder of culinary craziness are perhaps less well known outside of Japan.

Most easily accessible to foreigners, at least in my book, would be Suzime (“sue-seh-mey”). This delightful dish is actually an izakaya (pub) specialty. Its very simple. Take a few sparrows (yes, barnyard sparrows) skewer them with a stick, and roast em whole. I think some places also batter and deep fry them, but I can’t confirm this.
Again, I haven’t eaten these yet. They may in fact be a myth that is used to frighten new teachers. If so, well, I’ll be disappointed – I’m up for eating them.

Next on the list is the dish that is perhaps the most famous gaijin repellant within Japan. “Natto” consists of fermented (aka “rotten”) beans. It is apparently quite potent smelling and potent tasting. I have some in my fridge right now, courtesy of my dear co-worker Mikiko. In fact, I am going to eat some right now (or…right as I was writing this…) and give you my first thoughts!

Haha!

….

OK! I’ve just eaten them! And the verdict is….

Meh.


They look a little nasty (gooey and stuck together), and they smell a little funky, kind of sweet and bean-ey… but nothing really awful. I’d honestly been led to believe that eating Natto would be kind of like pulling on a bib and diving head first into an outhouse after cheesy chilli night at the lactose intolerance support club.

Really, though…it wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t great, either, mind you. It was kind of like eating sticky, gooey, raw-ish brown beans. Which is shocking, considering that Natto is in actuality, sticky, gooey, raw-ish brown beans.



OK! Now that we’ve had that culinary experience. We are moving on to numero un-o! The big nasty, champion of sketchy Japanese cuisine. We are talking about something that is so famously nasty that most Japanese blanche at the idea. In fact, my Japanese friend tried to stop me from eating this, and the chef was both highly surprised and highly amused when I successfully ordered it.

Hrmm… I’ll give you a minute to think of what this could possibly be.


First clue: you order it at a sushi restaurant.


…


Second clue: eating it makes people question my heterosexuality.



….



Heh heh. What could that be???


…


Give up?



Third clue: you have to get it from a MALE fish.



Heh heh he hehehehehe…



Yep.


RAW COD SEMEN.


In a sushi roll, no less.


You can take a minute to really ponder that one…

…

I have to track down the name of this stuff in Japanese, but seriously, that’s what it is.

I’d heard rumours of this stuff from dear Nick Sensei, but I never really believed him until last week. You see, I went out for sushi with a female Japanese friend of mine last week. (This friend shall remain nameless, because I suppose it could be embarrassing for her to know that seven or eight nameless people on the internet have heard that one of her favourite foods is raw fish cum.) Anyway, this friend of mine ordered some sort of sushi from the sushi chef. Being the adventurous type, I also caught his eye and held up two fingers to indicate that I wanted the same thing.

The Chef’s eyebrows went up a bit, and my friend quickly pulled my hand down and said “no… no. you don’t want to eat this.” And to the chef “hitatsu…hitatsu..” (one, one). The conversation then went like this:

Her: umm… this is not something you will want to eat.
Me: Oh, come on. I’ll eat anything.
Her: Really. This is….kind of bad.
Me: Ok… what is it?
Her: umm… (giggles, covers her mouth)… um…. Its… ah… man…um….fish….um….ahh…..
Me: (laughing)…let me guess… .. sperm?
Her… (turning red… and laughed behind her hand)…um… yeah…fish…man….
Me: Raw Cod Semen!??
Her: ummm… yes…
Me: interesting… (to chef)… sumi-masen! Futatsu, kudesai. (Excuse me! Two please”)
The chef raised his eyebrows at me, and turned to my friend, as if to say “you didn’t tell him it was chicken or something like that did you? Does he really want fish cum for lunch??” To which she nodded…and he grinned at her and then at me.

What arrived was a single roll of sushi filled with about… oh… I dunno… 50 ml? say four or five ketchup packets worth…. Of creamy white fish cum. Yep. There was a hell of a lot of fish cum. It looked kind of like mayo. On a bed of rice and wrapped in

I am sorry, but I seem to have forgotten to bring my camera that day, so if you are going to get a picture, I’ll have to order it again.

Heh. So… stay tuned for more fish cum. Same bat time, same bat channel.


(pictures forthcoming)

UPDATE:

Yep. I went back.

Its the Lack-of-sensitivity Hoe-down!

So, fellow teacher and rabble rouser Sophie and I spent Sunday carousing around a part of Tokyo called Ueno. For proper pronunciation guide (as per the railway conductor), make a sound like you are about to be sick, then add “no”. Ueno has a great many cultural treasures, like national Japanese museums of modern art, classical art, science and history.

Fortunately for the patrons of those upstanding institutions, Ueno also has a zoo. With monkeys.

…

Anyway, on the way to the zoo, there are also a few interesting cultural treasures. Like a huge statue to a guy we can call “Samurai Hindsight’s-a-Bitch”. He started out supporting the imperial forces against the shogun, but ended up ritually disemboweling himself in protest when the emperor revoked the rights of the samurai class. OOpsy. Anyway, he got a nice statue out of the deal, so I figure... it's all good.






Hrmm…. The zoo had lots of fun stuff. Like Ling-Ling, the famous panda that they pimped around the world.

They also had about 839339 places to take photos. Like this panda that I enjoyed molesting!




Oh, and some aptly named penguins.





Hmm…. In other news, if Shintoists (Buddhists???) were like fundamentalist Muslims or fundamentalist Christians and issued official “bitch slap notices” (that would be “fatwas” and “republican legislation” respectively… ). I would probably get one for doing this.



In fact, they would probably have this crazy rhoided out stone lion deliver said “bitch slap notices".




Don’t worry… I made amends by giving them a shout-out at the shrine next door. You can drop 500 yen on a little wooden plaque and write a nice message to the spirits on it.





We’ll close out the post by giving a shout out to one of my old flames from last week… the slutty pachinko bikini girl! Sophie’s careful eye spotted our barefoot Japanese girlfriend and boyfriend (she called shotgun on the guy with the purple speedo) as we passed the pachinko parlour. This time, (un)fortunately, they were wearing much more than last time.

I decided to say hello.

Nihonglish.... Part 1 of Many.

I’d like to spend this entry doing a quick run down of some of the best bits of English destruction that I’ve witnessed in my entire life.

(caveat)

I’d like to submit that making fun of English in Japan is like making fun of German Spelling in Quebec City. There’s really no reason that anyone ought to speak English here. Besides, my Japanese is around the level of scholarly ape-grunting with a lot of pantomime thrown in for good measure. Thus, I recognize the hard work that all these people have put in to learn a foreign language.

Plus, its dead hilarious.

(/caveat).



Lets start the day off with a few rudimentary typos.

This is a department store that really believes in connecting with customers. Unfortunately, they definitely erred on the side of "creepy" rather than "customer service". Especially if you were one of those people that saw "Evil Dead: the musical" when it was playing in Toronto...



Next up, more retail. Here, friend and fellow teacher Sophie Sensei shows off one store's awesomely enticing name.







next we have....

Chingis Kahn and Beer Stick. I honestly think this one can do without a wiseacre remark.




coming up next... I have attached a picture of the best menu ever. Check out How many mistakes can you find here??




hmm... a WHAT of Carlsberg???

Lets move from the public to the private domain…

Some of my friends sing the praises of cross language dating. One, in fact, declared that intermediate English skills make for the best relationships because you don’t really fight about something unless it is really really important. And you have to actually listen to each other, so there’s not really a lot of yelling.

And…well… I suppose that everyone speaks naked, so perhaps you can find some common ground.

Anyway…. There is a dark and awful(ly hilarious) aspect to it: the text-dump in broken English. Yikers. Its bad. In fact, I actually got permission from my dear friend to share this little gem with you all…

“i decided to leave from you. i want to concentrate new job & look for another guy. thank you for everything".

- verbatim.


It sure is a good thing that she softened the blow.

Lastly, I’d like to move on to the best homework submission I’ve ever received. I admit that the real comedy here is purely intentional (the dude is a funny guy), it was just so wickedly awesome that I had to share.


Class Homework Assignment:
Write an apology.

Student answer:
"Oh sorry, I like your wife. Because she is very beautiful and kindly. I need to her. but I yet hold nothing. So, I don't trouble you."

…word for word, thats it.

YES! (insert triumphant arm-pumping here) I love that guy.

I think we need a contest for this one. Please post the best word you can think of for the third sentence, between “to” and “her”. Try to be creative.


I think I'm going to start collecting awesome english instances.


Today's score:
Brent 10, culture shock 0.5

Yeah. thats right. I'm giving myself two points for beating down this little language party.

the Beer Fairy, the 'Perfect' Pint and a few thoughts on repression.

This weekend was mostly uneventful, that is, if you discount the fact that I happened to discover one of the greatest museum events in recent memory.

You see, people here like beer. As with most places that like beer, the Japanese have decided that by adding some “culture” and some “edjumicashun”, said beverage can become an all day event for the entire family! Of course, this being Japan, the idea of “beer museum” must include copious amounts of English typos, crazy cartoons, cheap beer and a little bit of silliness everwhere.

BEER!


Lets start with the Beer Fairy. She was actually part of a 3d holographic extravaganza. I can't really do this justice without a solid quote:

“This is a wonderful lovely 3d event that tells the story of the emperor of town. The emperor declared that the Yibisu brewman would have a contest with the evil beer wizard for the heart of the beautiful beer fairy. This alegorial tale tells the story of where the beer comes. The story is presented in magicvision.”




Oh yeah, they also had a quick presentation on the four things that go into beer. Water, Yeast, Barley and Hop. Apparently Hop is a lot more potent in the far east, because you only need one.


If I ever get sick of teaching, I might go into public copyediting major tourist attractions with a can of spray paint.

Hmm… anyway… the best feature by far at the museum was the bar. OF course the BEER museum has a bar! And although not free, I really can’t argue with $2 drafts. : ) I mean… they came with free beer nuts!! And this particular bar was actually very, very nice, there were two things of comedic note.

Firstly, on a beer note, the Bartenders here were pouring what I gleefully recognized as the best western-style (read, only about a centimetre of head, not the half-bloody-foam pints that the J-folk prefer). I stared in happy shock…until he smartly pressed the tap in the opposite direction and dispensed PURE FREAKING FOAM from a separate and dedicated head-tap.

NOOOOOOO…. Why? Sweet Beer Fairy… where are you when I need you!?! Come rescue these pints from foambliteration! Gaaaaaa!!!

Oh well.. if you let them sit for a minute or two, you get beer. And they came with free beer nuts!

Strangely what comes to mind is this bit of popular culture.

“…but it comes with a free frogert!.”
“That’s good!”
“the Frogurt is also cursed”
“That’s bad!”
“but you get your choice of sprinkles”
“that’s good!”
“The sprinkles contain potassium sorbate!”
“….”
“that’s BAD!”
“Can I go now…?”


Anyway, the other interesting thing is in this picture. Hopefully I’ll fire up a better version from one of my chums, but if you are reading this sentence, I haven’t yet.

Too bloody bad.



Anyway… its hard (impossible) to see from this picture, but there is a small girl of perhaps six drinking from a juice box. Perhaps you can see that the juice box is white…?



I’d like to tell you that that is NO juice box, but rather, a highly appropriate box of CAFÉ LATTE! Oh well. At least they weren’t serving her pints.



End Transmission.



.....


Sidebar Rant

This is extra crude and rude, so if you fall into any one of the following categories, please stop reading now.

1） Dear Mom & Dad. If you’ve found this website, well, this would fall into the category of “oversharing”. Please stop here. I’ll send you and granny some nice pictures later.
2） My Japanese Co-workers. STOP NOW. I mean it. You’ll start thinking that I’m a menace to students…I am, but you don’t realize it yet. (if you are a student in my class and you somehow found this, please note that this site is actually set up by an evil other Brent, who works for a rival English school. This site is designed to undermine the real Brent.) umm... I mean... Students: Teacher is being bad. Don't read this.
3) Dave and Raf. You will likely find this tame, so stop now or you’ll be disappointed.
4) Anyone else who expects this is actually going to be a) funny or b) shocking. I've now over-sold this post so much that you and I both might as well quit now.

ANYWAY… caveats aside.


I’d like to take a moment to address an anonymous reader. Apparently, a friend of mine showed this site to a friend of his, who promptly declared that I was a, silly, immature, sexually repressed man.

Well… hrmmm… silly?
--Yeah… can’t contest that.

Umm…Immature?
Farty fart!
….Heheheh.
--You be the judge of that one.

Sexually Repressed?
Now…well… most of you who have met me in person probably must figure that I spend a good amount of time editing these blogs for content. Perhaps you figure its about a six to one time ratio to bring the filth level down to the point where it is legally permissible on this-here inter-web. (that’s six parts editing to one part writing) I mean….. I know I can be crude sometimes, but, come-on, you’re a dirty person too. You know you love it. Especially you guys under “3” above, because I know you didn’t stop reading.

Seriously, you can fire under-sexed at me if you feel like it, or sex-y (you can have some beer first if you want, before you throw that one out…), or whatnot, but lets be straight about this. If I was any less sexually repressed, I’d be typing this blog by suspending my laptop from the ceiling of a crowded train and trying to hit the letters with my raging hard on while waving around 1950s Japanese nudie magazines and explaining what “pie-pan” is Japanese for. (the translation is “blank tile”… and I’ll leave that to you for homework.).

/ rant over.

Apparently I only get upset if you tell me I’m not dirty ENOUGH.



Oh… and to show that I’m an equal opportunity offender, I’d like to objectify some inanimate objects for you.





Ok ok… that last one looked kind of like a girl. But they had a dude in a purple speedo too.


Today’s score: Brent 8, Culture Shock 0.5.

Number of People Planning to Tune in Next Week, where X is the number of readers last week and y is the number of people who don’t know me personally: N = X – (y + 1) .
.

Mostly Dead, Entirely Delicious... REDUX!

I went back to the sushi joint that serves the uber fresh fish (and whale, and horse, and so on) for a nice dinner the other day. Of course, I decided to order up a platter that included that very same tasty fish as is displayed below.

Same tasty fish. Yep. Skewered carcass as garnish. Being me, I lapped it up, picked some bits off the skeleton and promptly ordered an entire squid grilled in the old school style…mmmm….. dinner that still looks like an animal….


Meanwhile, the waitress showed up to snag the fish remains, smiled, gestured to it, and offered some friendly Japanese that I figured would translate something like “did you enjoy your fish?” or “ Wow! You really enjoy sashimi!”. So, I gave her the big thumbs up, nodded enthusiastically and set upon my tentacled next course…

All was well in the land of B for a few minutes…. Until the waitress returned….
Bearing none other than the very same same fish carcass!!!

After a bit of staring in stunned silence, I quickly realized that I had mistranslated the Japanese phrase “Excuse me sir, do you want me to take this back to the kitchen, have it battered it and deep fry the shit out of it! (literally, I think that’s the technical term… or maybe it was “deep fly the shit out of it”… I’m not sure).

In any case, not wanting to admit my little bit of confusion, and in a big nod to those food chain bitch slappin ancestors, I decided to venture a bite.

It was YUMMY!!! Just as battered and way more deep fried than KFC, but without that pesky meat to interfere with the frying oil. The cartilage is actually quite tender and very tasty. So I ate it.

All of it. Even the head, backbone, fins and the rest of that fish thing.

I did leave the eyes behind, I have to say… so if any of you have ever eaten fish eyes that were attached to a live fish less than twenty five minutes prior to it arriving on your table…well… I bow to your Chuck Norrisesque awesomeness, and you can feel free to roundhouse kick both my dignity and my jugular as you see fit.

But the rest of you can shut the hell up. And remember, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.


Today’s score…

Brent 7, Culture Shock 0.6

(I’ll give them a 0.1 for the shock value)


I’d like to close today by adding a verse to a classic song…

Fish heads…fish heads… rolly polly fish heads..
Fish heads…fish heads… fry them up… yum!

Fish heads…fish heads… rolly polly fish heads..
Fish heads…fish heads… eat them up… yum!