Weird Science: The Gas Quest

Tokyo is known around the world for being the centre of Japanese business. As Japanese companies are famous for being on the cutting edge of technology, one could reasonably expect that the Japanese would build a science centre that would suitably inspire visitors with their... sciencey-ness.... er....scienceosity.... erumm.... scientology? no... that's not it....

The Science Museum is located at Kudanshita Station, on the Hanzamon Subway Line. From Exit #2, walk up the street and head over the river on your left. It's quite scenic.



Of course, the Science museum is logically located within what appears to be a traditional castle gate.



YEah... that's what any respectable museum needs. A fort. The museum is in a large garden, in a fort. This is clearly what keeps it from being overrun by screaming masses of scantily clad teenage girls.

er.... don't mind them...they're headed for the nearby concert area.

/a warm welcome to anyone who's just joining us from Google. Sorry, today's post doesn't feature any pictures of "scantily clad teenage girls", but we'll have a girl in a bubble, a relatively hot robot and people riding a lot of things before we're done, so feel free to stick around.

Liquid Nitrogen, Earthquake Machines and a Bubble Girl!
Anyway, I'm sure that a lot of people were inspired by the various exhibits. For example, you can watch an official scientist (white lab coat = "official") play with liquid nitrogen in a workshop. You can also learn about various power grids, operate a crane and and even ride a simulator that allows you to experience an earthquake measuring 7 on the Richter scale. All of these things are very interesting, especially the fact that the earthquake simulator allows you to see how the same earthquake feels in a "seismically isolated building" (aka really huge shock absorbers).

They had a machine that let you encase your friends in impenetrable walls of impervious, invincible, unbreakable bubble!

Bwa ha ha!

Ride the Skycycle!
They also had a very....safe contraption called a "Skycycle". By allowing you to ride back and forth across a room on a bicycle suspended on a cable, the exhibit is designed to make you think about how people balance on their bicycles. It accomplishes this neat trick by first lulling you into a false sense of security on the first half of the trip, then scaring the living crap out of you by being totally out of control on the second half.

You might seem calm and composed...



But really, it feels more like this...


For example, the pedals are directly linked to the rail, and spin whether or not you pedal. This means that you have to either surrender control, or surrender a broken toe!


Let me transcribe this rider's thought here...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!


Of course, no medium captures the sheer exhilaration of risking certain discomfort on the deadly padded floor below like.... grainy cell phone video! Go Atsushi!




ROBOTS!

Oh yeah... robots. I almost forgot.

Well, they had a bunch of them. The most memorable was this robot, which perfectly simulated human Customer Service at any major attraction!

1) It doesn't really care what you want.
2) It's really good at ignoring you.



3) Even if it did care, it can't really hear you. (Here the robot says "Sorry...excuse me... one more time please?")
4) But being Japanese and female, it's still impeccably dressed.




A QUEST!

Really, though, I was more interested in finding some sort of meaning or purpose for my lactose intolerant existence.

FEAR NOT, young lactard. The Great and wise muse of science has a great and noble task for you. If you have the strength in your gut, and the power in your spleen, dare you accept....


THE GAS QUEST!!!!


Yes! Yes, wise muse of science! I accept your gassy task!

First, young lactard, go out the front door of this room, then turn left. After that, just ask the man on the throne where you should go.

He will tell you many things, but know that The Gas Quest is far from over! You must journey forth to the ancient source of the Gassyness!


The Methane Monument!


With the mythical cherub of squatty-fart!


Here, you will study various mystic words, such as "Goo" and "Boo" which will help you comprehend the great, silent, deadly mystery.

And let no question of who dealt it, nor who smelt it, stand in your way.


Clench your courage, and then let go of yourself.



Surely, you will feel...... "Enlightenment"!







English help:

Scientology: A cult famous for recruiting Hollywood celebrities like Tom Cruise. They're a bit crazy.

...impenetrable walls of impervious, invincible, unbreakable bubble: All of these words mean "strong" or "unbreakable". A bubble is actually easy to break. ; )

Gas Quest, Just ask the man on the throne: "Throne" is slang for "Toilet". "Gas" is a nice word for "farting".

And let no question of who dealt it, nor who smelt it, stand in your way. In North America, when one kid smelled something gross, and exclaimed "eeeewww!" another child would often reply with the rhyme "You smelt it, you dealt it!", which suggested that the child yelling "eeeewww" was only doing so to cover his own guilt.


"Enlightenment" There is a triple meaning here. 1) when you pass gas/go to the bathroom, you get lighter. 2) the light is making the statue brighter and 3) the light looks like something from heaven, implying spiritual "enlightenment" or wisdom.

Healthy Digestion

Irony has many definitions, but I happen to enjoy these two the most:

1) A difference between what is expected and what actually happens.
2) When a word is used to mean something different than it's literal (dictionary) definition.


About 74% of the fun I have in Japan comes from the fact that I see irony everywhere.

(Editor's note: most likely, this indicates that the irony is within the Author, as he has (1) strange expectations and (2) a really strange mind).



Of course, whenever possible, I try to explain things with food.


Irony:
Q: What are we going to eat for dinner?
A: Stomach!




Interesting trivia: You can tell how long a western person has been living in Asia by the materials they come up with when trying to guess the identity of a new food. You can guess how much they like it here by their reaction to said new food.

Me: (holding up sliced stomach) "So...is this seaweed...or octopus.... or what?"
Friend: It's cow stomach.
Me: Ok. (chewing...) Mmmm! Tasty!

Louis Vouschnauser

One of the things that blows my mind like Charlie Sheen amounts of heroin is just how much some Japanese people love their dogs. I don't mean in that healthy, "Poochie is a member of the family" kind of way, but more like that "I love the latest $208372 handbag that looks exactly like the one from 2005 butOMGnewstraps!" way.

Translation: They love their dogs a damn lot.

And by love, I mean "shower with gifts". Doggie booties, doggie jackets...Doggie strollers! How about that. When you walk the dog... the dog doesn't walk, it gets displayed. Or better, Doggie carrying cases, so you can take your dog on the train like any other fashion luggage.

And then, down by the port of Yokohama, sitting on some prime harbourfront real estate, we have this gem.



That's right.... your first thought might be that this was a trendy coffeehouse...

But alas... it's not even a trendy, pet-friendly coffeehouse. Oh no... if you looked carefully, you've already realized the sheer horror of the truth: this is a doggie glamour photo studio.

You can take your sweet hollywood-bimbo-inspired chia pet excuse for a canine here, and accessorize it until you drop, and then capture the moment on film forever.



Oh, but what if poochie-woochie is tiredy-wiredy after his weaaly wwonng daaayyy....

Never fear, Madam De Vil! Why, just carry your poor, exhausted, precious pet to our nearby...



EvolDog Hotel&Rest!


During his stay, your dog will relax one of our lovely Prada Pillows, then down a tasty breakfast assembled by our crack squad of canine South Beach diet experts, and finally be exposed to healthy dose of Gamma Rays to help poochie kick start his trip up the evolutionary ladder in style! We're sure that he'll thank you telepathically in the morning.


Special this week with our "Silver" package: Neuter your boyfriend for half price!


(Sorry dude... but going in there was a mistake and you know it.)








/Unfortunately, due to a subtle and slight amount of vehement, uncompromising loathing for the practice of pet-sessorizing, I have no photos of any dogs actually being treated to this travesty.

//I'm sure you'll agree that those feelings totally didn't come out in this post.

///Really, I love dogs and I am just angry on their behalf.

////I *suppose* that the people who do this *might* love their dogs too.

/////shut up conscience, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip.

The "Advertising Created With A Dartboard" Department Presents....

Time for a simple test:

Shinjuku is:

a) A city in Japan

b) Part of Tokyo

c) A "New Hotel"

d) all of the above


DRESS UP is:

a) An advertising campaign

b) Mr. The best children's show EVER.

c)

and


d) all of the above.


MYLORD is

a) An upscale department store

b) an expression of surprise.

c)


d) all of the above.


The Pig is

a) Probably a lot more effective in this ad than I am giving him/her/it credit for.

b) Supposed to be representative of high class customers

c) Advertising clothing...naked.

d) all of the above.

Bonus points:

e) Also displayed on a huge four story sign in what is probably the busiest commuter district in the world.









Answers: All of the answers are correct. You Win.

Insensitivity 101: Dangerous English

The job hazards related to teaching English are rather few and far between. Mostly, they are non-job related, and consist of such things as

1) Being semi regularly accosted by the police to make sure that you didn't steal the bicycle you are riding, and that you are in the country legally (3x to date).

2) Falling asleep on the train and going WAAAAY too far. (7x at least)

3) Being totally unable to express important thoughts like "Does it come in a light beige?" or "Where the hell does this bus go?" (A lot, but less common than a year ago)



To be honest, the sole hazards on the job as I have experienced them are mostly related to being accidentally insulted by students trying to make leaps of language.

Case and point was a while back when I asked my students to describe me, and the first one said..

"Umm....I think you're....chubby!"

All truthiness aside, this is still clearly not a good thing to say.

A related example came during a recent discussion of the health benefits of Japanese food. I pointed out that I have lost about 13kg since arriving, and thanked a combination of being more active and eating more healthily. One student nodded... then said sagely:

"Hmm... that IS interesting. You should lose another 13 kilograms."

While this...true, I did point out that it is generally considered rude to tell people to lose weight, regardless of whether or not they need to.


One of the best, though, came in a recent lesson on metaphors. I asked students to compare themselves to animals. They responded in kind, coming up with reasonable suggestions like cats, birds and bears. Then I asked them to think of one for me.

Student: (ponders....) I know! You are calm, thoughtful and you aren't...how do you say (waves hands frantically around)...
Me: Hectic? Busy?
Student: Yes! umm... you're like a ... COW!
Me: .... um....
Student: YES! You always take care when you correct us and that is thoughtful... like a Cow, right?
Me: Um...well... (writing "Cow" and "Bull" on the board)....first of all, "Cows" are female, and they are often associated with stupidity...


Of course, it's hard to be really insulted. I know that she was trying to be very flattering, and just got mixed up in the cultural connotations animals have. For example, Japanese people have a really hard time with "As quiet as a mouse", because mice are considered to be noisy and annoying here. In the end, it's my job as a teacher to make sure she doesn't get into any fistfights later in life.

And... I suppose Japanese people don't have the best impression of what cows are like...


But come on! It's still clearly a female cow. ... that's run out of Advil...


(I don't know if you can tell, but I'm ducking behind my keyboard here....)



ANYWAY... we're going to awkwardly segue into another common area for accidental insults: the fact that words can mean different things to British and North American speakers of English.

For example:

Harmless North American English story:
I had a rough time yesterday while running to catch a ride! I was headed out the door, and I caught my pants on the the knob! At first, I was pissed, but then I smiled, because I realized that I'd forgotten my fanny pack!


What it means to a North American:
I had a difficult time yesterday while running to catch my car-pool. I was headed out the door when I caught my jeans on the door handle. At first, I was angry, but then I smiled because I realized I'd forgotten my waist bag!


How it sounds to a British Person:
I had a rough time yesterday while running to have some sex. I was headed out the door, and I caught my women's underwear on the penis! At first, I was drunk, but then I smiled, because I realized that I'd forgotten my package of vaginas!

Effective Signage

Sometimes, signage can be very effective by including a subtle message in the art work.

Take, for example, a simple "Keep Out" message. I suppose you could include something really frightening. Depending on who you wanted to keep out, you could include a monster, or a picture of someone being electrocuted, 43 pairs of K-mart Polyesther pants or whatever.

I spotted one a little while ago that had a really nice subtle touch.




See it?

Yeah... I wouldn't go in there either.... no matter how much fun they say "milking the prostate" is.

Don't push "#" just yet

The other day I stumbled onto the source of all of the difficulties that Japanese people have with English. You see, I found the instruction manual, and apparently, something went wrong between step 1 and step 2....



Maybe it was the fact that the 3 and the 2 are reversed on a Mobail Phone, and they pushed the wrong button.

And with the pinch hit... it's JAPAN for the win!

Apparently, somebody somewhere sent an urgent memo about all of the crazy things that the Koreans have been doing lately. That memo seems to have been read by somebody important in the Fucked Up Shit department, and they decided to call in the big sweatshop manufactured Chinese guns.

That's right. Japanese craziness has triumphed over Korean craziness with a bit of assistance from Yokohama's Chinatown. Chinatown itself is a mad land of street vendors selling buns, random kitsch and upscale duck restaurants. For good measure, they've also thwown a healthy helping of knock-off designer clothing, stolen intellectual property and easily accessible public transit.

Specifically, I recommend the Chinatown Museum, which is in the heart of Chinatown and the setting for all of this fun.



Look for people ignoring the fearsome lion guardians that lost the power to smite foreigners around the 15th Century. That's when they traded in their mystic powers for some gold leaf and a nice view of the local schoolgirls.




Head to the fifth floor and use the rest of this post as a step by step guide.


Now, you are probably asking how they answered the urgent fax from the "Fucked Up Shit" department and why all this buildup hasn't led to any actual fucked-up-ness yet. Mainly, it's because I lack focus. But we're all set up now, so hold on to your gender identities...


OK! First of all they went all crazy and changed the entire genus. Mammals? forget that. Fish? Childs's play. They went right to the source...the big show stopper.

Insects.

Yeah... that's right. The broke out the exoskeleton.


Oh... and by the way, in case you weren't clear, we aren't talking about sissy crap like killing insects in video games or having them as pets. No way. "Insects" is a category without par in one specific area.

DINNER.

Yes, that's right. In honour of all of the blustering that's been done about the things I will eat, I finally broke the bug barrier and ate something insectoid.

And, well... apparently the memo people at the Fucked Up Shit department wrote that memo ENTIRELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS, because they didn't schedule anything remotely normal, like a fly or a beatle. Nope. They wanted something... poisonous.

Like a fried scorpion.




Ah hell... let's make it two so that Dave can play too.




Oh? Those chicken wing thingies in the background?

YEah... those aren't chickin wings.... Rather, they're Frogs' legs, which seem entirely tame and commonplace after the deep fried scorpion.


Anyone want to see this on video?





Oh yeah, we even managed to talk a bunch of other poor saps into trying the scorpions. And by "trying", I mean "posing for glamour shots with bugs in your mouth."

Suckers.


Nice work Goshiko!


Way to go Roli! er... Lori. Right.


Of course...you can't eat scorpions without washing them down. You need something extra special. Like Sake.




mmm... delicious Sake.


Er, remember how the Fucked Up Shit Department wrote that memo in capitals? Well, sake is good... but you need sake with a special ingredient to really make an impact.

hmmm.... what could we use....


Um...




How about a Lizard. That's fucked up, right? I'm not sure. Let's check again.



Yep. Definitely fucked up.


It tasted a bit on the harsh side, but was in no way unplesant. In fact, one of my students managed to compose himself from his revulsion less than two minutes and fifteen seconds after I showed him these pictures.

"I heard those are good for your health..." he said.


Well, shit! Make mine a double!


After all, the good folk at the reptile brewery were good enough to put a picture on the bottle in case you weren't clear on the fact that you're drinking bits of fermented lizard.



Heck, they even went ahead and listed the ingredients. They're in Japanese, but I'm pretty sure the first ingredient on the list is "600ml of Bragging Rights" followed closely by "DUDE, THERE'S A FUCKING LIZARD IN HERE! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!?"






So... we've had bugs, amphibians and lizards coming together to meet the challenge and save some jobs at the F.U.S.D. Still, I suppose this is a bit of a cheap shot. This is "Merry Man In Japan", not "Merry Man Passing Off Fucked Up Chinese Food As Part Of A Crazy Japanese Adventure"



Don't worry. Japan always has more fun in store for the culinary adventurer.

Sensei, what's a "sphincter"?

The staff at my school are great. We often bring in little bits of chocolate or what not and share them with one another.

Today, I walked into the office to find this little gem on offer.




...

Seriously... I mean... even the candy itself looks liked a creamed colon.



Fortunately, I am a nice co-worker, and managed to get hold of my laughter after only a few minutes. After all, I am here to teach, not to criticize or mock. So, I pulled up my trusty online dictionary (surprisingly found at dictionary.com) and printed out the definitions of "Colon" and "Cream".





I know that more acceptable terms would be "anal sex" or "the orgasmic result of anal intercourse", and I know that many straight couples enjoy this practice as well. Still, I figured I'd go with definitions that I was sure they knew.

Apologies to any colon creamers in the audience. You know I love you.

It's nothing spectacular...

Those crazy people from the Love Chocolate are improving my life again.



I went back to grab another can of Shibuya Mind Eraser Chocolate, and look what I found...





Watashi (私) means "me" or "I" in Japanese. And, let me tell you... naming a chocolate after the first person pronoun is a stroke of brilliance. After all, it already has your name on it.



So... try my love! It's nothing spectacular, but it's got my heart in it...

This has got to be the best dating sales pitch since the heady days of "You must be tired, you've been running through my mind all night", "Free Mammograms!!!" and "Oh...come on... just the tip?"


Man... this can has everything. Yesterday, Me, Love, Begging, Silvery Reflection for contemplating your own soul. It's like an clipart portrait of teenagehood with a sweet chocolate centre.

/bonus points for reversing the polarity on the apostrophe.

Forbidden Love ... Exciting and Refreshing

Tastes best if licked while wearing a bathrobe.

桜木町 - Sakuragicho: Teachings From The Zoo

Sakuragicho is one of the more enjoyable places you can visit around the southwest of Tokyo. It's just one stop from Yokohama station, and sits right on the harbour. There are a lot of great things about and around Sakuragicho, but perhaps one of it's best traits rests in its ability to fulfill stereotypes about Japan. It's a meticulously constructed concrete jungle of towers, moving sidewalks and unadulterated consumerism. It has theme parks, gambling, a wonderful park, and is only a short jaunt from the culinary and shopping adventure that is Chinatown. It has one of the tallest buildings in Asia, a roller coaster by the ocean, and a free zoo! In short, it rocks. Technically, this area is actually called Minato Mirai 21, but calling a chunk of city that has been entirely paved "Cherry Blossom Tree Village" (桜木町) appeals to my sense of irony.



Landmark Tower is a very distinctive building, and it remains the tallest building in the world that can be described with the following quote from a local: "It's really great during earthquakes, but not so good against the wind because the earthquake supports kind of work like a scoop in high winds"




Yes, that's a mock pirate ship in front. You never know when you might want to skip your power lunch and go swashbuckling with a client.


The Skyscraper District gets glowey at night, and makes for a good boat ride. 600 yen gets you a ride around Yokohama harbour on the "Sea Bass", which departs from Yokohama pier, as well as from the area near Yamashita Park. Look for the huge useless boat-museum. You can also envy or scoff at the people who are paying between 9000 and 60000 yen for a few hundred extra metres of elevation (ie, in a helicopter).




Anyway, the truly glorious bit about Sakuraguicho was the zoo. I learned a lot there.



Thus, without further ado.....



Lessons from the zoo:

1) Just because it isn't locked up doesn't mean it's not worth taking pictures of. 2) That was a lot of negatives in one sentence.


Seriously. Bring your kids.





Don't let the Alligator borrow your sunglasses




The Japanese Explanation Machine is NOT an Animal Translator, as much as you want it to be.



The Camel Keeper smokes the Hookah, but he leaves it out at night.

(Insert your own joke about "humping" here)


Small Children should not be allowed into the "petting" zoo unless the animals have at least a theoretical capability to resist them.

For example, baby chicks cannot theoretically resist being picked up.


Nor can they resist being snatched out of the cage and run across the enclosure with.


Note the "theoretical resistance" around my neck.




And now..... a simple quiz!

The following animals are lower on the food chain than I am. True or False.


1) Tiger


2) Badger


3) Fish Egg Sushi Roll


4) Zookeeper



Ok! Great job. Now check with a partner...


Great!

1) Hmm... tough call. We'd both eat anything meat related. I probably win in the salad department, and he'd kick my ass at milk drinking... I guess we'd just have to choose in some sort of lightning round... preferable sponsored by George Foreman.

2) Depends on whether I can find a restaurant willing to cook it. Both answers are acceptable.

3) Ha! Trick question! False! A sushi roll isn't an animal...it's widely accepted as a food product and therefore invalid for this survey!

4) Dude. You're sick.

...but then again.... still beating heart....



The moral of today's story?


Respect the Food Chain