Friday, June 09, 2006

Who's twisted?

Apparently, I have a bit of a filthy mind at times.   

In related news, the sky is blue, young people today are out of control, and that kettle over there is black.
Yes, I know that this has come as a shocking admission, but I have to admit that I do scrape the bottom of the comedy barrel from time to time.  Basically, in an attempt to make you chuckle, dear reader, I sometimes stoop to the level of closing a rhyme with “poop”.
In any case, Japan provides a great many opportunities for unintentional hilarity.   
“Sorry for coming on your shoe.”  (Sorry for stepping on your foot.)
“Sensei, you go in and you go out, but do you go down?”  
spring to mind as examples where I am clearly not directly responsible for the filthificaiton of my surroundings.  
Yet sometimes the comedy is seemingly the intention of others…
For example, I don’t think anyone anywhere can imagine that this three foot tall, mentally challenged flower child bear from the sixties could be taken in a purely artistic way..
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In short, let’s think about the fact that someone took the time to highlight the front surface of his baseball sized gonads in a lighter colour, just in case we didn’t notice that he was dragging those very love batteries on the frakking ground.  I’ll also award bonus points for making him look like he’s been banished from the short bus for excessive optimism.
On the other hand, there are examples where I leap to the foulest possible re imagining of any given situation. For example, I noticed such as a reference to a “Meat Market” in a textbook.   Most people think “I suppose you could find pork there”.    I, on the other hand, think, “I suppose you could find someone to pork there”.   I can’t even give my own definitions without interrupting myself (dammit, I just thought “interrupting…that’s like coitus interruptus!!!! How can I make a joke?  I know….!  I’ll interrupt myself and make a joke about coitus interruptus….!!” As I wrote that…) to make dirty jokes.  
Fortunately for you, dear reader, the internet has not evolved to the point where I can capture the twisted land of fart joke puns that I live with every day, except as this pale electronic copy which exists primarily to create similarly pitched groaning in as many nations around the world as possible.   Unfortunately for you, it still allows me to lose myself in rambling sentences that take us farther off topic than anyone ever guessed way back in the good old days, when you were lucky enough to spot capital letter doing something wacky – like starting a new idea.

Perhaps this is why my favourite word has recently become “Anyway...” It's great! It lets me just trail off and bring you back to my original point...


Sometimes I see funny signs, and I realize that they are only funny because I am endowing them with some sort of horrible ulterior motive. Take this fantastic example, which I received from a fellow fan of “Let's Advertising!”

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What's your first response? Cleaning? Brushing your teeth? Perrier?

Mine was: Haha! That'd make a great title for a Japanese Drag Show!

Regardless of the Nature/Nurture debate, my parents still seem to have taken a major wrong turn. Perhaps it was the 2 week vacation to Kansas during that crucial “instill shame in child so that he/she doesn't become a cultural menace” stage.

In any case, sometimes the truth falls somewhere in between, as with this example...
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Hopefully, the train of thought most of you are working on – as decent, upstanding individuals – is somewhere around this:

Hmm... If a bar could create a happy life for me, that would be a great thing. This is probably not true, but it seems like a nice idea.

I on the other hand, immediately started cackling. Unfortunately, I was in an elevator with six students, so I couldn't explain myself. But I had to laugh. While I doubt that most of you are interested in Life Creation right now, you probably enjoy going through the motions of “Happy Life Creation”, or HLC!!! as it shall henceforth be known. After all, that sure beats the hell out of “Pity Life Creation”, “I have a headache, so I don't feel like Life Creation tonight” or even “Drunk, Dirty Talking Life Creation”.

Then again, I am now officially at least 40% more likely to include “Let's Make Up Life Creation” in future smutty talk in the bedroom AND the restaurant.
Helpful “Being John Malkovitch” type access to Brent’s Brain:
Filthification: is not helpful, nor is it a word.  It comes from sticking “Filth” with the word fragment “ification”, also used in such words as “classification” (the process of classifying) or “desertification” (when things become like deserts. Not to be confused with “dessertification”, which involves adding sprinkles and chocolate ice cream to main course type foods). Anyway, don’t learn this word. 
Frakking: a politer euphemism for “fucking” that was rendered pointless by this definition.  Its use is also hard evidence that I have been watching sci-fi lately.
The Short Bus:  Mentally challenged/developmentally delayed children were often driven to school on a smaller bus that picked up only children with special needs.   Often called “the Short Bus”. 
To Pork: A verb, referring to the same thing as “Frak”. See above.

Coitus Interruptus: (1) the “pull-out” or the “withdrawal” method of birth control. Sometimes known as “The Catholic Method”. (2) The main reason why so many Catholics have Happy Life Creation when they are seventeen. (3) a very inneffective manner of birth control. (4) Oh... just look it up, you pervert.

From previous posts:

1) Evil, undefined words in the “defining the words” section:

Lexicon: particular vocabulary for a subject, or "slang".

2) Solving for X in the following equation.

X = Geoff Sensei + Guns 'N Roses - Pre-recorded vocals.

As far as our team has been able to determine to date, X looks something like this:

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The Team here at MerryManJapan is investing a lot of time and effort in locating better observational equipment, which hopefully will be able to reproduce “X” in greater fidelity.

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