Thursday, June 01, 2006

Tips for you, dear reader

I just have two quick points to make. Unfortunately, I will be subdividing at least one of those points, so I can't really make any promises about how many points you will have actually been served with by the time we are done here. Ah, heck....Feel free to skip this post. I'll be relating a crazy adventure in the next post, I promise.

Point 1: If English isn't your first language, this is a bloody tough read. Why, you ask? Well... there are four main reasons.

1) Sadly, I often make really long sentences using a lot of fancy punctuation marks—like dashes, which I use to foolishly interupt myself soley to make stupid jokes—that make things more difficult to follow: this can make reading my blog frustrating, and make you hate me a lot of the time.

For example: About 85% of any post in this blog.

2) I make a lot of pop culture references. I liked cartoons as a child. Unfortunately, those cartoons were on TV in Canada during my youth in the 1980s, and you probably didn't see very many of them. This can make things difficult.

For example:

Me: Remember Rocket Robin Hood??? Remember when they ate one bite out of the same piece of turkey fifteen times, and then they shot rocket powered arrows at the Space-sheriff of Nottingham??!?
Canadians: YEAH! That was sweeet!
Ozzies, NSA people, etc: WHaaaT???
日本語(日本人?)/aka "J-folk": なーにー?!? (whaaat??)

3) I play fast and loose with grammar, metaphors, and all those whatchamacallitathingies... you know... werds.

Most native speakers bend and misuse grammar to suit their purposes. My purposes just happen to be totally evil and misguided, which means that my grammar is just along for the ride.
That bitch.

4) I am an idiot. If I made more sense, or behaved in a more mature manner, this blog would make more sense AND be more mature. Amazing.

For example:

Pooping! Pooopingpoopingpoooping!

So, if you are ever having trouble with any strange references, or you want to know what something means, please feel free to email me or post your question. I'll happily explain what the "H - E - Double Hockey Stick" I am talking about. Asking me to explain or clarify some language is definitely exempt from what I'll say in Point 2, below.

Which, umm.. brings me to point 2...

Point 2: If you email me encouragement (or discouragement) about the blog, I will probably make fun of you on the blog. So, you might as well just post your comment for other people to see.

For example:

Dear Mrs. Cross: Thanks for your comments!! I'm really glad that you are enjoying my adventures. I'm sorry that I called your son a slut. Perhaps if you'd disciplined him more regularly when he was younger, he might not be making himself so easily available to so many morally relaxed women.

Dear Karen: Thanks for your comments!! I'm really glad that you are enjoying my adventures. Congratulations on having such a flexible man.

Look how bendy he is, everyone!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Way to go Karen!

This isn't to say that I don't appreciate any feedback - I REALLY appreciate it. I just happen to show affection through mockery....

At the end of the day, don't worry yourselves at all. There are PLENTY of reasons to be made fun of!

For example:

Falling asleep and/or staying asleep during any rendition of a song by Bon Jovi, The Offspring, or an 80s Stadium Rock Band is definitely grounds for mockery.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Of course, sometimes photo evidence trumps any punch line that I can think of.

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