Merry Man In Japan

Dear Japan,

2007-09-05T11:06:00.000-07:00

You know I love you. I have come to care for you very deeply, and you will always remain very special to me. You know, we shared a lot over this past year and a half, and I hate to write you like this, but perhaps its easier for both of us. I put this letter off for a long time, thinking that you would just go away, but I just can't forget you. So I know this might hurt, but I have to say a few things.

You have a lot of good things going for you. Takuya, for example, will always be there for you. He is a wonderful and hilarious man, and he will take good care of making sure that you don't stay out of too much trouble.

You'll always be able to take solace in the Heinan Gardens in Kyoto, which are amazingly beautiful. Try not to let them get too much sun, will you?

The concrete Toriis - ah, they are interesting. One never knows what will happen when you walk through them. This little gate, for example, leads to one of the most controversial religious sites in the entire world! Remember how a single politician's visit sparked controversy across Asia? It sure doesn't look all that controversial from the outside....

Still - I'm so glad I visited these places while we were spending time together. I spend quite a bit of time considering the historical debate that this place ignites among your citizens (quietly, and with respectful aims towards consensus, of course!) and around the world.

Of course, you aren't afraid of public opinion at all, are you? Perhaps that is part of your charm, that you can be so fascinated with cultures from around the world - yet quietly refuse to bow to even the most torrential international pressure.

(Whale restaurant, anyone?)

Also, I have to tell you that you can sometimes drink a bit too much sake. This can bring out bad behaviour in your friends.

Of course, one of the things I like best about you is your beauty. There is something magical about the marks your citizens have made on the earth.

Thousands of years or thousands of pounds of steel and concrets - you've built some amazing things. In fact, some of them are stacked on top of each other!

Of course, no one is perfect. You have a few really serious fetishes that are a bit much.

Neon, for example. Someone needs to find the Tokyo neon sign guy and chain him up. Just for one week of the year. Please?

Furthermore, you have a shoe fetish that makes the entire cast of "Sex in the City" look like sensible women with a small number of comfortable shoes.

You also have that whole semi-porno cartoon thing going on. Which is cool and all - we all have our private lives - but do you really have to advertise it (and READ it) on the train?

Especially when any self-respecting businessman can so easily blow a week's salary at a hostess bar that provides ACTUAL, live, giggling girls that pour his drinks for him? I mean, you have about ten near every train station, so maybe you could open up a cartoon-porn-reading nook or something? What's that? You have those and they're called "comic book stores?".

Oh well. At least the hostess clubs believe in truthful advertising.

And you take care of them, too! You even have a place for those well paid hostesses to unwind over drinks poured by pretty boys with 70 000 yen haircuts.

So, you know that I love you, Japan. But, as with any pile of sashimi, stack of 1000 yen notes or year and a half of international adventure, all things must eventually come to a close. My time with you has been wonderful, educational, shocking (for both of us, I suppose) and more interesting than I ever hoped it could have been.

I learned several new languages (spoken Japanese, written Japanese, drunken businessman Japanese), made many new friends, and learned an entirely new set of cultural cues. (bow-lock anybody?)

Still, I had to leave you.

Why? Well, I found someone else, you see. Yes, I did know her all along, but now things are getting serious, and you just can't come between us any more.

Cheesy, silly, ridiculous love. You offered a life of adventure, Japan, but at the end of the day I'm going to come home instead. This love is good stuff – I suggest you try it some time. I’ll let you know how the whole marriage thing works out too– most likley with fewer offensive videos.

Anyway, I just wanted to write and let you know that I'm doing well. I'm sure you've got lots of boys that will give you the attention you crave.

I'll think of you often, I promise. Don't worry about me. I'll find some new adventures.

Tokyo, I'll miss ya. Don't offend too many people without me.

I took one last picture of you, from the bus on the way to the airport. I hope you don't mind.

PS: Write back soon.

2 Channel Attacks!

2007-08-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

Some time ago, I found myself in the perfect storm of cultural hijinks – too much time, not enough supervision, a willing audience and a video camera. While waiting at a local train station for a friend to arrive, several pals of mine and I got into a fair bit of trouble “testing” the sensitivity of the train gate sensors. You can read all about it and see some fancy little videos I posted HERE

While the feedback I received initially was altogether cheerful and appreciative, our comic hijinks were picked up a Japanese news-gathering/community website called “2 Channel”. This site is one of the major Japanese internet communities, so I suppose I should be flattered that they stumbled across my little corner of the internet. The site is completely anonymous, unlike many English-language sites (eg YouTube, Fark, Digg, etc) that require a username. The total anonymity means that the site is rife with that special form of honesty for which the internet is so effectively used. You can read about it here if you want to know more.

As many of the posts were in Japanese, I had a hard time figuring out what was up at first. Internet slang is well beyond my meager nihongo, and it also confuses the shit out of the literal translator application over at Google. (1)

Some more posts followed, and people were kind enough to post their thoughts in English for my benefit (and surely your benefit as well, dear reader). They were a bit cryptic at first, including such gems as

the level is too low.

Others were clearer in their points, offering straightforward bits of wisdom:

gaijin get out and creepy pink

Some of the folk expressed their feelings about our comic stylings with

All Japanese don't like this.
Stop stupid action.

F---ing crazy pig, get out of Japan.

fuckofffuckfuckfuckfuck!
get away from jp

typical retarded caucasian bastards. this one's so classic.

Some people had very subtle and well thought out arguments as to why this behaviour upset them:

...Just go back to your homeland and lick your mother's ass next.
BRAIN DEAD ASSHOLE, GO HOME!

I think this guy was touched on some sort of deep emotional level. Maybe he has a toy train set or something.

This little flame war helped me to remember an important truth of our time: people enjoy being jerks on the internet. Maybe this is because of the pseudo-anonymity, or perhaps because of the fact that text-based communication removes all of the potential for sarcasm, emotion and other non-verbal communication to register. Maybe people feel safer on the internet, or they take personal and cultural slights far more seriously. Maybe this phenomenon is similar to the way dogs act really tough when they are behind a door or the other dog is tied up. Whatever the reason, I'm happy to see that internet-sulting is not an exclusively western phenomenon.

I’m not going to deny that I’m immune to this, because I certainly fired back. I did manage to restrain myself from the lowest of blows, being (a) attacking people’s grammar, especially that of non-native English speakers and (b) proving Goodwin’s Law, which holds that as the length of an online discussion approaches infinity, the probability that someone will make an analogy including Hitler or Nazis approaches 100%.

People did throw around the “You’re a racist” stuff, of course. As if by goofing off at a train turnstyle or pointing out things I find funny I am somehow heaping some massive insult on several thousand years of Japanese culture and history. I think you'd be pretty hard pressed to get the impression that I don't like Japan from this blog, or that I am spearheading some sort of cultural invasion that is going to undo J-society.

/bwah hah hah?

Anyway, my favourite character was the one that successively called me 1) An American, 2) An Australian and 3) A racist.

“I think you are racist.
If you say "no",do same thing in America.
fuckin' Aussie!!!!!!!!!!!”

That was internet reasoning at its best: making massive, faulty generalizations based on ethnicity, WHILE calling someone a racist. You can have your cake, or you can eat it, but you can’t have both without a semi-anonymous commenting system.

I pointed this out to my semi-anonymous friend, and he responded with the usual “I’m not a racist, I just worry that foreigners are going to commit a lot of crimes.”.

…

Um...

Yeah...

I suppose he’s right in that people with different cultural backgrounds have different expectations about behaviour. I’m the first to admit that 95% of the shit that I pull would not be pulled by your everyday random Japanese national. But I hold firm that those who make cultural generalizations are not allowed to use the term “racist” as an insult. There are certain rules about these sorts of things. Much like black folk are the only ones allowed to use the “N” word (and there are debates about that… I know *I* can’t even type it, anyway), and the use of the word “fag” in non-british-cigarette contexts is politely restricted to those who have reclaimed it.

Anyway, I digress. Go read the comments on the videos if you want some wit. (You can reach them right here if you want to:

One
Two
Three
Four

As a final thought, I was quite pleased to see that a number of other people came to my defense to some extent, and chastised the angry “foreigners get out/don't disrespect the turnstyle” crowd.

One fellow seems to be from the same humour school as I am:

You were having some fun. What a bunch of complaining idiots. This from an employee of a transit system for 25 years. Retired,but if I saw it I would have laughed. Keep having fun and don't let a buch of dweebs ruin your sense of humor.

Perhaps most heartening was this sort of thing:

I'm sorry for the comments below. As you know, those who wrote these insulting words are definitely not typical Japanese. They misconstrued your blog and other stuffs, for they cannot understand English. However, I advise you not to upload "cheating Japanese train gates", because some people may take them as a covert disregard to the Japanese rules, and thus think that you are looking down on Japanese society.

Anyway, I hope you would fully enjoy your rest stay in Japan.

Sincerely from one genuine Japanese boy

Well, genuine Japanese boy, I know that people like you make up the huge majority of people you meet in Japan. The other jerks are too busy hurling insults around various message boards to really bother anybody.

So, thanks to those guys who laughed with me, and to all of you grumpy people that don’t like foreigners, I suspect you’d be a lot happier with your lives if you spent less time criticizing those enjoying theirs.

Ryoanji – 　竜安寺　or Rocking Enlightenment

2007-05-06T12:34:00.000-07:00

Japanese shrines are famous for being ancient, tranquil and philosophical. Most likely, you are well aware of the concept of the rock garden. In concept, the Rock Garden is very simple – some monks place a bunch of rocks in a garden and contemplate them. Of course, there are 1001 cliches that one can use to justify the trip up to see one. In short – they are peaceful. This is something that you can gather from any stereotype, wikipedia entry and guidebook. What you can’t grasp without checking one out is the fact that the clichés are right. It *is* peaceful, and it does make you want to contemplate your place in the world.

And by "contemplate your place in the world", I definitely mean "strike stupid poses in front of thousand year old scenery"

One of the places that we visited in Kyoto is called “Ryoanji”. It's famous. And popular.

Amazingly, despite the crowd, it's somehow actually easy to find peaceful spots throughout the shrine.

Most famous, and probably most peaceful is the famous rock garden that Ryoanji boasts. Rock gardens are sculpted out of .... well... rocks. But they are sculpted to represent waves, water and the motion that goes with them. Somewhere in the representation of chaos and movement in a static field of rock is a scene that actually makes you want to sit and think. I actually did sit and think for about twenty minutes. The garden was calming, relaxing and rather amazing. Although a good ten minutes of my twenty minute think was focused on the potential enlightenment potential of the word "cannonball", I did manage to restrain myself from following that spiritual path.

But man, it would have been ugly if I was better at zen.

In any case, this garden is actually a well known signpost on the path to enlightenment. Legend has it that anyone who can see the 14 stones in this garden at the same time has truly reached enlightenment.

Let's try to get 14.

Three...or maybe four, depending on how you count that cracked one.

Seven rocks and seven tourists that are still looking at PICTURES OF THE ROCK GARDEN! GAH! IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! (pant pant pant....sort of fourteen....)

Seven.

Two! Gar. Getting farther from zen peace with each picture.

Six! This is about as well as I'll do.

A 90 degree rotation yields.... three.

One ... and a cross? Interesting.

In any case, I did find enlightenment there. Maybe it’s because the “bu” in “burento” or “無連斗” also happens to translate as “zen”, but I figured it out.

All you need to do is look at the Rock Garden from the TOP.

Ha! Instant enlightenment. Leave your 100 yen coin in the box at the door and don't forget to tip your waiter, ladies and gentlemen. The above is a picture of a scale model of the garden. I wouldn't want to post instant enlightenment here on my blog. I'd rather you read at least a few articles and find enlightenment. If you *really* want to understand enlightenment, you should start with the penis festival.

Now that we're somewhat enlightened, anyway, we can move on to the second amazing thing about Ryoanji.

This fountain is actually contains a symbol that consists of four different kanji, all of which use the centre box as part of their shape.

吾　唯　足　知

These can be translated in several ways.

According to Google, they mean “Our (something) foot knowledge”.

This is very deep, but my friend Dave had a better translation:

“Learn only to be contented”.

Or, in other words, you should educate yourself, but your goal should be contentment. Don't worry as much about competing with others or achieving certain targets. You should study things that make you content.

Pretty cool. In fact, the next time you are bummed out because you failed a test, you can bust out some zen philosophy to rationalize away those “C” marks to your heart’s content!

In an even more brilliant melding of zen philosophy and Japanese ingenuity, this very same symbol is available at the gift shop. You can get it as a key chain, paper weight, or best of all, with the centre hole re-purposed as a beer bottle opener.

Now that’s spiritual enlightenment I can work with!

Japanese Thank You - どもありがとう　（ございます）

2007-04-11T22:30:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, I am reminded that Japanese is often more formal than English. To properly express a given meaning in a given situation, sometimes you need a lot more talking.

Bill Murray's character demonstrates some of what might get lost in translation during an aptly named movie (er, "Lost in Translation", for those of you asleep in your sashimi). During this scene, Bill Murray's actor character (Bob) is trying to shoot a commercial with a Japanese Director.

Here's the scene, translated fully into English. (Thanks Wikipedia!)

Bob: Does he want me to, to turn from the right or turn from the left?

Interpreter (in formal Japanese, to the director): He has prepared and is ready. And he wants to know, when the camera rolls, would you prefer that he turn to the left, or would you prefer that he turn to the right? And that is the kind of thing he would like to know, if you don't mind.

Director (very brusquely, in colloquial Japanese): Either way is fine. That kind of thing doesn't matter. We don't have time, Bob-san, O.K.? You need to hurry. Raise the tension. Look at the camera. Slowly, with passion. It's passion that we want. Do you understand?

Interpreter (In English, to Bob): Right side. And, uh, with intensity.

I'm pretty sure this is spot on.

/of course, they might just be giving additional instructions here, like "On alternating Juesdays, this walkway is flooded with molten lava. Please use the other exit."

Cultural Dichotomy Simplified

2007-04-08T23:38:00.001-07:00

Many important cultural developments have come from Japan over its thousands of years of history. Many scholars who spend their entire lives trying to dissect the complex interplay between tradition, technology and social duty that forms the basic fabric of Japanese society. I am not one of these people, so I happen to enjoy reducing this culture to simple categories. Let's call them “Good” and “Evil”.

Let’s do some of that categorization, shall we?

Good: Samurai
Evil: Ninjas

Good: Nintendo Wii
Evil: Sony DRM

Good: Sushi
Evil: Natto

Good: Tokyo Transit System
Evil: Tokyo Transit System during rush hour.

Good: Japanese TV as Entertainment
Evil: Japanese TV as Education

Good: Attitude towards Foreigners in a bar
Evil: Attitude towards Foreigners on a train

Good: Japanese Sizes, as an observer.
Evil: Japanese Sizes, as a shopper.

Good: Eating Ramen
Evil: Digesting Ramen

I’m sure you can think of lots more. Feel free to post them.

Pantomime: the pop-opera of gesture talk

2007-04-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

There are many challenges that come with living in a nation that doesn't share your mother tongue. It's new, exciting, and hands down the best place to study another language. It makes for fun adventures and the sense of being someplace new. Of course, it can also make for some added challenge. The simplest tasks - asking directions, buying personal items, trying to avoid being arrested - often come with an added level of difficulty.

A famous psychologist once claimed that over 90% of meaning that we express is through means other than the words that we say - that tone of voice and non-verbal communication express most of what we want to say.

This is a bit of a misquotation, actually. What our friend (whose name is Albert Mehrabian, by the way) meant is that we tend to trust non-verbal cues more than the words people say when it comes to making basic judgements about their emotional messages. For example:

Brent (Smiling warmly and clapping you on the shoulder): I hate that you did that!

Would you think I was really upset, or do I sound sarcastic? I think you'd figure out that I'm not angry unless I sound/look angry. Nonetheless, understanding non-verbal cues can only take you so far for determining how much people like you in a foreign nation. Learning the language is the best way to make yourself understood. The only problem is the fact that it takes many long hours of studying to learn a language - up to five or ten thousand hours to become fluent. I guarantee that you will need supplies from the grocery store before well before you'll know how to describe what you're looking for.

So what does that leave?

Pantomiming.

Living in a land without speaking the language quickly transforms you. You become a dramatic genius capable of describing anything from beer to bus stops with a series of exaggerated gestures. Who knew that unit on clowning from theatre school would ever come in so handy!?!

Here are some things I have managed to acquire through the use of gesture-language. Like any form of language, some concepts are easier to explain than others...

Beginner items are pretty straightforward - you basically mime using the item.
Toothbrush: Brushing
Shampoo* Washing
Tie: Tie-ing

Intermediate items sometimes take several motions together.
Fire Extinguisher (Fire Motion + Spraying Motion + No More Fire Motion)
Re-entry to the train station after taking the wrong exit (Pointing, Walking, Looking, No + Friends, Pointing, Walking Back)

Advanced items need gestures other than the ones you might think of first.
Toilet Paper: Squatting + Spinning the roll + making a Wad.

Sometimes advanced items require a small amount of bravado.
Pearl Rabbit: Make steady, ever-so-slightly-sheepish eye contact with the clerk. Hold up an arm. Make a buzzing sound. Nod.

Sidebar: I had a shy friend who always wanted a rabbit. I have little shame, so I volunteered to get it. The poor, poor saleswoman was *quite* taken aback, but eventually quite helpful in finding said product.

Of course, sometimes additional problems are created with the whole gesture thing, as people from other lands often use other gestures. Take the OK sign, for example. You know, the one where you connect your index finger to your thumb and show the "O". Seems pretty straightforward, right?

In Japan, that gesture means "Money".

So, imagine if someone wants your help with something. They a fact they communicate to you through gestures. Flash the OK sign? Yeah... you just said "I'll help you if you give me some money." Not so good. But things could be worse: PLEASE don't flash that "OK" in the Middle East. Apparently, in that part of the world, it means "You're an Asshole".

I suppose this is all very academic. So, class, let's take a look at a fun real-world example of trying to puzzle things out!

This is a music video for a song called "Yatta". If you speak a bit of Japanese, you might be able to puzzle out some of the things this song. Of course, if you can speak a bit of Japanese, you have advanced well beyond the whole "gesture to buy beer stage", and this is all old news to you. Thanks for reading along with the rest of the crowd!

Fun exercise:

1) Watch the video. Try to figure out what they "#!#$&! they are singing about.

Any ideas?
You may have concluded that they were happy about something. Why that caused them to dance around nearly naked in front of thousands of people is probably a longer gesture story than the one you got. Even with some letters and a few of the "lucky" English phrases that Japanese pop stars love to throw in to their music, I was bloody lost after watching this.

2) Ok - now watch it again with subtitles.

Pretty different, eh? They ARE being ridiculously cheerful, so you can see that your non-verbal communication is doing ok. The finer points are pretty unique though.

Now you're reasonably emotionally prepared for the experience of living with a foreign language. Definitely partially ready. 100% somewhat equipped.

Ah, you'll figure it out. Regardless, you might want to remember this ideaif you have an upcoming trip to a nation that doesn't share your native tongue. Along with that phrasebook, you might think about pre-scripting some short skits to describe your favourite goods and services.

Notes:

1) Pantomime: a form of theatre populated with sterotypes and generally performed during the holidays to family audiences. Much like my life, Pantomime is often full of very subtle cross dressing, and dirty themes. Mainly it sounds funnier than the word "Mime" - which is "to perform without speaking" and what I actually used to explain myself.

2) exacerbate means "to make something worse"

3) Pantomime: a stage show that doesn't involve any words.

4) ever-so-slightly-sheepish : a tiny bit embarrassed.

5) I believe in giving due credit - those two vids came from my dear buddy Geoff Cross.

Kinkakuji: historical....bling?

2007-04-06T22:19:00.000-07:00

Well known fact #1: Kyoto has a fair number of temples.

The Truth Behind it: Yep, this one is true. There are about 321089293 temples in this town, or at least it seems that way. There is no way that one can visit any significant portion of the cultural treasures that this city holds. Of course, one can certainly visit a good number of the famous ones, and therefore have enough experience to make snap judgements on the entire city.

So, without further ado, I’m proud to present FAMOUS TEMPLE SNAP JUDGEMENT # 1: Kinkakuji.

Kinkaku-ji is actually part of a large Buddhist temple complex, known as Rokuon-ji.

It's easy to find, as there is very massive kanji on the hill nearby.

This large character means ... "large". Very straightforward.

Before we get into the temple and what makes it so fancy, perhaps a quick TSI refresher in Buddhism is in order. Buddhists teach that life is suffering, and that one should turn inward to seek spiritual enlightenment, rejecting immoral behavior and following a sacred path. Buddhists believe that following the path helps them resist the source of suffering, which is desire – including lust, greed, envy and all that other fun stuff. As with most major religions, the the sacred path includes some of the usual “no-nos”: No Killing, No Lying, No Copious Humping Of Russian Prostitutes. Some Buddhists have other unique rules: No Sleeping On Giant Comfy Beds, and the Gremlin-esque*, No Eating After Noon.

Ok! Now that we are all up to Buddhic speed, we can get back to the TSI investigation.

You see, Kinkakuji is interesting, given its current status as a Buddhist temple. Once upon a time, back in 1397, the Shogun decided to visit the area. Someone decided that perhaps they wanted to help the Shogun see that the riches of the material world are only skin deep, or maybe they wanted to distract him from all of the sorrow in the world, or maybe they just wanted him to make their local temple a major part of his Shogun-circuit, but they decided to outfit one of the pavilions in a very unique manner.

Pure Gold.

Kinkakuji or “金閣寺” translates as “Temple of the Golden Pavillion” – which is pretty much spot on, as you can see.

It's really pretty.

Some years later, someone thought that a building covered in gold jived really well with the Buddhist persuit for personal fulfillment. I totally see the connection, don't you?

Buddhist A: Forget the desires of the ouside world!
Buddhist B: Woah! Check out that gold building! It's purty!
Buddhist A: WOW! THAT'S AMAZING!!!!
Buddhist B: What were we doing again?

I’m sure I'm not alone in seeing the wonderful irony that exists when a group focused on ignoring the desires of the outside world has an entire building that was blinged* up to impress a visiting dignitary. That’s serious comedy.

Of course, Buddhists are hardly the only religion that seems to have done something counter-intuitive to the basic precepts. Buddhists have made a vast contribution to enriching the art and culture of the entire world. Don’t let the TSI team take anything away from their work. After all….I don’t really want to get into listing examples of major world religions whose followers’ actions don’t jive with their teachings.

Mind you, MerryManMakingIllInformedAndIllResearchedSocioCulturalReligiousStereotypicalJudgments doesn’t have the same ring as the current title, does it? So I'll keep the jokes-at-the-expense-of-monks to a minimum.

Mostly.

Anyway, where were we?

Ah, yes. Ancient Temple. Covered in Gold. Right. GOLD.

Er… did I say ancient? Well… about that…

If you happen to run over to the official website run by the tech-savvy monks that run the temple that runs this temple. (got that?), you might notice that there is an interesting gap in the history of the temple. They stop at about 1917.

Why might that be?

Well, this is hardly something that the temple folk like to publicize, as it might not be the best sales pitch for attracting potential visitors. You see, their definition of “ancient” is a bit flexible.

Let’s set the way-back machine to... oh... 1950.

Back then, there was a crazed monk. Now, we can surmise that this crazed monk didn't appear to be crazed at the time. In fact, he was likely quite popular among the local monk-dom (and the monkettes? Platonically, of course, as monks are celibate I think.... unless they are allowed to date within carefully proscribed monk-ey boundaries? Ah, I digress....) Monks tend to have a fair bit of time on their hands. Each monk is expected to dedicate themselves to some pursuit or other. This monk happened to choose the Temple of the Golden Pavilion as his dedication-thingey. And dedicate he did. In fact, he built up a healthy obsession to the point where he felt that the temple was controlling his life.

We all have various methods of dealing with stress. I personally feel that “reading a book”, “buying a model train set” or even “getting copiously drunk on cheap convenience store sake and calling random people in your cell phone” are good ways of dealing with stress - at least compared to what this fellow chose to do. (A healthy Facebook and/or MySpace addiction is also a semi-reasonable way to spend time, but sadly our anti-hero had the misfortune of being born long before our wired, enlightened times)

Anyway, our chap decided to do something a little more elemental to cope with his fixation on the temple.

He burned the five and a half century old struture to the ground.

Ta DA! Problem solved!

You see, this beautiful, ancient golden temple/tourist trap is actually a recent reconstruction. Although his fact made for several straight-to-video movies and a few comic books, it is not exactly published anywhere in the temple literature. Sneaky, sneaky monks.

Why might the monks keep such a major event in temple history (ie, the end of it) on the down-low? Well…. It comes down to economics. Temples are actually pretty sound business centres, which own fair amounts of property and are not ashamed to make a bit of coin here and there. You might even spot the odd BMW here and there, and some temples actually run large, fancy hotels (tune in soon for TSI: Temple Hotel).

A major source of income for the monks is the asmission fees they charge tourists to come in and look around the temple grounds. This isn’t a huge amount of cash - anywhere from 300 yen to about 1000 yen per person - but it adds up. In fact, a nice temple on a busy train line can make some serious coin.

And when I say "serious coin", I mean that they are serious about collecting your coin.

Can you really blame them? They have a temple that’s covered in freakin’ GOLD, and you can can bet that it brings in a huge amount of tourist money. Temples are expensive to maintain, so there's no problem with charging people admission to enjoy them. But.... what happens when your world-famous temple goes up in smoke? (sorry. had to be said). Well..no more tourist money.

But what to do? What to do?
Of course, rebuilt it!

Heck, why not improve things a bit?
Sure! During the reconstruction, they even extended the gold leaf over the entire building – an improvement, so to speak.

Problem solved. The hordes of tourists still show up in droves. The monks, of course, are sure to provide for your every tourist need.

You want fortunes? And you don't speak Japanese!

No problem!

Just be sure to have your hard money ready!

The fact that they forgot the word "earned" should NOT be taken as any sort of underhanded criticism of the monk-ey lifestyle. They pay down like everyone else.

Anyway, the whole "reconstrucing the burned temple" thing has, of course, spread a few seeds of doubt. In order to reassure people that the temple is not being reconstructed regularly with other gold-like materials, they have placed it under 24 hour internet surveillance.

If you want to check it out, try this webcam:

Since Japan is in a different time zone, you can catch some fairly beautiful views during times when the temple is not normally open to the public. I checked it at around 5:00 EST, and got a pretty amazing sunrise. So have a peek, and remember: The “Click here to have a deranged monk burn down the Temple” button has been disabled in both IE and Firefox.

Welcome back. Sure is pretty, isn’t it?

In a way, it’s somewhat of a metaphor for Japanese society. The reconstruction hasn’t really made a difference to most of the tourists coming. It’s still a stunning structure, and one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I highly recommend the trip if you happen to be in the neighbourhood.　Fittingly, the top of the roof has a phoenix mounted on it.

Out of the flames, the Temple of the Golden Pavilion rose from ashes, to once more become a beautiful, fascinating place.

Japan is much the same. It has risen from challenges and destruction over much of its history. The way things appear to be is of vital importance. Harmony is to be preserved at all times, and if things appear to be working, they are working.

Japan loves beauty in all things – people, relationships and places. This exterior judgement plays out in a hundred thousand ways each day – from Louis Vutton bag toting gals whose full time job is fashion to late-working, nine-coffee-break-taking salary men, appearances are to be maintained at all times.

Somehow, for a building like this, it doesn’t really matter. The building might be fifty years old – a cultural Disneyland, carefully manicured to a perfect theme park experience designed to bring in tourist dollars – but it does it really matter? Kinkaku-ji is breathtaking, photogenic and immeasurably memorable.

After all, if someone had the audacity to gold-plate a Motel 6, that would still be worth the trip. This place at least has the courtesy to look like it deserves the attention.

The Monks have the right idea. Forget all about that little glitch in the perfect history of this perfect cultural treasure. Take it in, take pictures and let yourself sink into the majesty of what is surely a crown jewel in a town full of treasures.

　　

* Gremlinesque. “The Gremlins” was a famous movie about cute, cuddly creatures that turned into horrible monsters if you fed them after midnight. I suspect this is not true for most Buddhists.

* blings – to bling. Usually a noun, “bling” is a word from American hip-hop, which describes lots of expensive shiny things, like gold and diamonds.

* Japan is 13 hours ahead of EST right now, and 14 during daylight savings time.

Random Picture Highlights

2007-04-04T14:05:00.001-07:00

Ad malgamation

2007-03-25T09:53:00.000-07:00

Japanese Marketers are a wildly effective lot. Tissue papers and faaaar too many anthropomorphic things are the basic weapons of war in the advertising toolbox.

Of course, total disregard for any connection between the spirit of your product and the image company it keeps is a good way to stand out. Gyoza are deep fried dumplings, and probably among the least healthy and most fattening snacks to be had in Japan. In other words, they go perfectly with a nice cold can of beer.

Makes sense.

Right?

English help: anthropomorphic - giving human attributes to everyday things. Like smiley faces on trains and sad faces on furniture.

Kyoto - Japanese Moms & Plationic Nudity

2007-03-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

One of the side effects to having a lot of adventures is that sometimes the experiences are so jam-packed into a given set of days that the actual recording of them falls into an awful void that I like to call “notes”. Notes are wonderful, and they help you recall the experience, but they still don't provide very good entertainment value for your non-paying but greatly appreciated audience. And, dear audience, you are indeed appreciated. I enjoy crazy adventures, and I enjoy the idea that I can bring a bit of joy into YOUR life.

In any case, I've resolved to steel my resolve, and start putting down all the things I shoulda-woulda-coulda recorded, because it’s been one crazy month. The path has been wild and exciting, and I'm a new man now. You’ll all have to treat it like cable TV though. I've shot the episodes, and several members of the cast know the ending already, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t sit back and enjoy some more of the merry adventures of the Merry Man in Japan.

Without further ado, I present….

A Kyoto Tale, part 1: Japanese Mom(s)

The Setup

Kyoto is arguably one of the most important and interesting places in all of Japan. Not only do they say “osaki-ni” instead of “arigatou gozaimasu” (“thank you”), it happens to also be the famous for a climate change accord, as well as the presence of some, uh…. history. In fact, Kyoto is home to so many cultural treasures that a trip there regularly forces you to ignore several thousand-year-old shrines and as you head for other, more famous thousand-year-old shrines. All in all, it’s an incredible place.

During my various travels, I have definitely come to appreciate the common sense wisdom of “local advice”. People who live in an area are obviously able to point out the little things that make your trip worthwhile. Unfortunately, the locals live...well... at the place to which you are headed. This makes it rather more difficult to randomly run into them as you are planning said trip. This, of course, leaves the next best thing: someone who has been there a whole whack of times.

This leads me to address one of the best things about teaching: the fact that you get to meet a large number of rather wonderful people, all with different interests and experiences. I have several students who have lived long and interesting lives, which means they have a lot of advice to give about everything from child rearing to restaurant choice. One of my students is particularly fond of both dinner parties and the city of Kyoto – two areas of expertise in which she has been quite kind in sharing with me and with my fellow teachers.

Naturally, when it came time to head up to Kyoto, I asked her for some advice. She told me that she would think about it, and then asked me some basic questions (e.g., Did I want to do things as cheaply as possible or was I open to spending a bit more? How many people were going? Did I want to stay in a traditional place? How many days and nights? Are you going to be crazy culturally menacing foreigners? Please don't burn down our cultural heritage....Pretty please?).

It is a strange brew indeed – a combination of national pride, earnest desire to help someone in need, and genuine interest in the subject – but some of my students would go to extraordinary lengths to do things for their teacher (er, me!). I don't want to speculate on the effort involved, but two weeks later this particular student waltzed into class hefting a large folder and a larger smile. Opening it up with a grin, she revealed what amounted to a 1200-picture worthy, three point five day fully guided tour of the historical capital of Japan. She had information packages, maps, sightseeing notes and guidebooks – all of it furiously highlighted and bilingually annotated.

Getting there

To get us there, she'd found and booked the luxury “Night Dream” bus, which sported extra wide, super reclining seats three abreast – perfect for large 南蛮人 (barbarian/foreigner) butts. If you are ever planning a long distance trip, such as the Tokyo-Kyoto route, and you don’t want to travel on the painful regular bus (5000 yen), but save money over the新幹線Shinkansen (12000 yen), the “Night Dream” buses (8700) are a wonderful compromise. I even managed to refrain from stealing the very comfortable JR slippers and JR blankets that we were thoughtfully provided with.

Upon arrival, we managed to find our way to the Matsuihonkan – the Ryokan (traditional Japanese Hotel) that my pseudo-mother managed to book for us. We were served some delightful tea in the lobby, and given some snazzy chocolates to enjoy while they checked our bags for the day. I strongly recommend this place if you are planning to stay in Kyoto – mainly because the female staff are another group of excessively helpful mother-esque people.

There are a few places in the world that always exhibit the utmost concern for the customer. North Americans might find top notch service at their favourite restaurants or at an upscale men’s tailor, but it’s really hard to comprehend the level of service that the Japanese afford to their guests. In fact, the words “guest”, “customer” and “client” all have the same translation in Japanese. The customer is a “guest”, and is treated as such. A good Ryokan is the pinnacle of this service. To boot: Your room is served by 3 (THREE!) maids.

“It’s like having a Japanese Mom for a day.”

Dave was nearly correct when he pointed this out. You see, “maid” might be a bit of a misrepresentation of the staff, as you never actually have to tell them to do anything. Instead, they take care of everything you might want, and then some. They are kind of like Moms, that is if your Mom never told you to clean your room, but instead did it for you with a waaaay bigger smile than any Mom ever had while picking up someone else’s crap.

We’ll call them Mom #2, #3 and #4 respectively. (#1 being my student.)

After we arrived, Mom #2 and Mom #3 led us to our room and made sure that it was stocked with sweets and a fresh order of delicious tea. They laid out traditional Japanese Robes, and pointed out useful things like towels, the bathroom, comfy robes, and the window (helpful!)

They also sneakily grabbed our shoes out of the entrance room and CLEANED them.

I was a huge fan of Mom #4 (not pictured above), because she spoke English reasonably well. By "reasonably", I mean she could definitely fulfill all of the duties of a Ryokan maid in English, but her intonation left something bit lacking: She seemed to be unable to form the intonation for a question - all of her sentences ended up sounding more like orders.

"I'LL BRING YOUR DINNER UP AT FOUR, WON'T I!!!"

"YOU WANT A WAKE UP CALL!."

"I WILL NOW PREPARE YOUR BEDS. BE COMFORTABLE.".

Later on they brought a glorious feast, which fulfills the evil, secret purpose of the Ryokan: to generate as many dirty dishes as possible. To this end, they serve a wonderful spread of delicious food on so many little plates that they need several trays per person to bring them all in.

Pictures speak louder than words, I believe.

We definitely showed suitable respect for the effort put into dishware variety.

Every hotel needs a Sento.

After dinner, a trip down to the Sento is essential. A Sento is a communal Japanese Bath, spiritually similar to the natural hotsprings (Onsens). A sento doesn’t have naturally heated mineral water, but it’s still incredibly relaxing. To those of you who are unfamiliar, it’s basically like a giant public bathtub surrounded by sitting showers. The sitting-shower took some time to get used to at first, but after you’ve come to terms, you realize that you can clean certain things better if you can reach them (for example FEET, you filthy people). After scrubbing yourself, you jump into a super hot bath, and you can engage in pleasant semi drunken late night philosophy. After all, few things build rapport like mutual nudity and intellectual interest. I know Plato would have loved it.

I couldn't really take a camera into the bath, as that would have destroyed but I can certainly show you how relaxed one feels AFTER consuming booze, soaking in a hot tub, and retiring to bed in a lovely yukata/robe...

Up next: choosing the best 1000 year old shrine complex.

Japanese Notes: 南蛮人 “Nambanjin”... literally “southern barbarian”. This is my favourite Edo era word for foreigners. 外人 (Gaijin) is actually somewhat offensive, and 外国人 (Gaikokujin) is nowhere near as funny.

Ancient History: All Your Base

2007-03-04T08:29:00.000-08:00

First, let me set the scene with a few short pictures.

A picture story, if you will.

1) You know already that this won't end well.

2) Modus Operandi (It's Latin -> definition)

3) One of these things is not like the others.... one of these things just isn't the same...

4) You Have No Chance. Make Your Time.

5) What You Say?

What possessed me to plant an internet reference on the roof of this building, you ask?

Well, apart from suitably honouring what might be the greatest engrish translation ever to grace a 16 bit game console, I think it is important to preserve ancient cultural treasures. As such, I am entirely willing to part with some of my hard earned cash if I know it's going for a good cause, such as maintaining the roof. On the other hand, the definition of "ancient" works differently on the internet. On the net, "ancient" is about 1997. So, I thought it was important to preserve some ancient internet history in a place that has cultural relevance in the real world.

Yeah.

Moral High Ground.

I just claimed it to justify quoting a video game on a tile for a temple with a 1300 year history.

/hey. We paid, ok?
----------------------------------------------------

Anyway, if you aren't familiar with "All Your Base Are Belong To Us", it is a quote taken from an old Sega Genesis Video Game called "Zero Wing". I remember this from the days when the internet first started out as a place where a bunch of guys got their jollies by pretending to be girls in dirty chat rooms. It was one of the first internet phenomena, and the infamous phrase was inserted into a huge number of images made famous by various forwards. These images are all a little dated, but I don't doubt that you'll recognize many of them.

Throw in a nice techno sound track and you have a bit of internet history. One that now graces the roof of a famous historical building.

Enjoy.

Kyoto Signage

2007-03-03T09:58:00.000-08:00

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

Sometimes, at least 60% of those words are dirty.

I love those times.

Hmmm... I never knew you were into that. But ok. I'd love to be a "beatus" person. Still, I'm pretty sure that the people who translated "Beatus" as "happy" were...uh.... "tops". But that still sounds like my kind of micro cosmos.

You can always dream. In Kyoto, you can even dream of becoming "Delivery Health", or as we say in English "Prostitutes".

Overheard in Osaka: "Hey Baby! Let's have a quick pants party! Right here! Awwww.... C'mon!!!"

This one goes out to Matt and all the real tight peeps in Shimokitazawa. I never knew there was so much anger on the Odakyu Line. Stand proud, 小田急線の巨人。　

For some reason, Scott decided to attend University after spending time with me in Japan.

For those crazy kids classes, Dave gets into his ever popular "Bozo the Touchtastic Gaijin Clown" character.

Top: Nope.. I'm not explaining this. I'M NOT EXPLAINING THIS. NO. NOT YOURS.

aargh... a "top" is the dominant person in a sexual relationship. Here, the person "beating" other person/people.

Antique Junk Japanese Disco Thumb War

2007-02-26T10:05:00.000-08:00

While the title of this post may seem like total nonsense, it accurately describes a night out in the lovely bedroom community of Noborito.

Widely known as a good place to change lanes, Noborito is in fact a rather heady hotbead of random insanity. It's a place with gusto, character and just a hint of attitude. Translation: it's dirty, but it can be lots of fun.

Take this shop for example.

During the day, the Antique and Junk is a lovely place to buy old furniture at somewhat hefty prices. I appreciate the little bit of guesswork involved in sorting the Antiques from the Junk, but I guess that's the essential fun of Antique shopping anyway. At least this place is honest about the fact that 90% of the stuff you'd buy there would be worthless to 90% of the people to whom you'd show it.

Of course, perhaps from the owners of the establishment started by renaming some of their old junk "antiques" and making a killing. This killing allowed them to open the business of their dreams.

Fast forward to dusk, and you might find that the owners of this lovely establishment had slightly different dreams than your average Antique shop proprietor.

The elderly lady behind the cash register heads off for the night. At some point, someone brings in the larger merchandise that spends the day outside, safe under the protection of a heavy coat of dust. The furniture will make an excellent coat rack for the patrons that frequent the Antique & Junk during the evening time. Presumably, a few regular customers start drifting in, and the place goes through a transformation that might be unique in all of the world.

In fact, this change demonstrates might be the only way to tell the difference between the Antiques and the Junk:

Come on back and get trashed!

You see, the things they really value have been put away carefully, somewhere safe them from the wrath of wild, sake-fueled gesturing. After sunset, the Antique and Junk is no more. With a slight change to just about everything except the address, the very same store is happy to play host to a cadre of crazy people.

...host to crazy people that are allowed to drink next to a massive shelf filled with Antiques, that is! Fear not, dear reader, the "wa" was not disturbed for the upstanding customers at the Antique and Junk.

Indeed, it's quite an experience, one that's made even better by the people who are actually AT the bar. The Shop Master, for one, is friendly and welcoming. He also speaks the English that you learn from drinking, rather than the type you learn in a classroom.

"Hey Dudes!! Take it easy, eh? Do you know Phil??"

The atmosphere is made interesting by bright lights, western music (eg, rock, disco, etc) and exceedingly friendly regular customers.

Within 20 minutes, the fellow on the left had

1) Decided we were his best friends ever.

2) Purchased a round of drinks.

3) Shaken my hand in the traditional grip 14 times.

4) Shaken my hand with two handed "special care grip" 9 times.

5) Gotten involved in a massive thumb battle, and encouraged everyone else to do the same.

ER... So, let's see if you were paying attention, as we now have all the ingredients listed in the title.

...

DRUNKEN JAPANESE DISCO THUMB WAR IN AN ANTIQUE SHOP!!!

A taste of Kyoto

2007-02-21T10:00:00.000-08:00

I just spent three days in the Kyoto area. "Amazing" doesn't begin to describe the things there are to see there.

Of course, it's still Japan.

And we're still very full of stupid.

So, stay tuned.

EDIT: Ask and you shall receive... a quick and dirty photoshop job..

The Rise and Fall of Atami: A Geisha Story (really)

2007-02-14T09:01:00.000-08:00

There have been some mightily incredible changes in Japanese society over the past few hundred years. The Meiji Restoration saw the end of the Shogunate, the restoration of the Emperor to the throne, and the opening of Japan to trade with the west. In short, the Meiji Restoration is kind of like the boundary between Samurai and Sony. Oh, and there was that whole "World War II" bit, the end of which wrought massive changes in Japanese society. Particularly, the resignation of "godhood" by the Emperor (aka the separation of the church and the state), a reorganization of business world, and a change in morals and attitudes that seems hard to fathom - namely the switch from an Imperial Power to an almost entirely pacifist nation with a definite thirst for certain aspects of western culture.

These are fascinating subjects, and I highly encourage you to read up on them in a place that is more informative and at least 82392% more carefully researched than the above boondagle, which was somewhat pulled out of my neither regions.

Interestingly, I am most often aware of the changes steming from a less well known period: the collapse of the Bubble Era. The Bubble Era, as it is known in Japan, traces its origins to the post war "economic miracle" through and extends to its peak in the 1980s. At the end of this era of unprecidented prosperity, the Japanese Economy seemed poised to overtake the US as the top industrial power in the world. Japanese business groups were favoured by the government, protected from foreign influence and staffed with a legion of tirelessly loyal salarymen in matching dark suits. Much like the pre-war "zaibatsu" conglomerates, these "keiretsu" were huge business empires. They were essential in transforming a society ravaged by war into one that was unrivaled in efficiency, manufacturing capability and general productivity across the industrial spectrum. In exchange for working fourteen hour work days and the decision to put work before all else, Japanese salarymen of the Bubble Era were promised lifetime employment, large salaries and massive yearly bonuses with which to reward neglected families (or buy new golf clubs.)

The incredibly high wages, combined with a shortage of hours in which to spend all that cash, led to the creation of a lot of high cost, high luxury leisure options designed to provide workers with the largest bangs for the largest number of bucks. These included everything from executives eating gold sprinkled food to the prevalence of hostess clubs and the construction of a whole slew of high-luxury day trip vacations spots.

Entire towns sprung up to provide a consumer culture with all of the wonderful toys and joys that too much money and not enough sense bring. The little town of Atami, just under an hour by Shinkansen (bullet train) from Tokyo, is one such place. An ocean side town situated on top of a large amount of volcanically hated water, Atami is a picturesque valley that has been paved and built up with various high rises, resorts and hotels. I've been told that many of the hotels are designed around group travel; huge dining halls and massive sleeping quarters fill the hotels, and are perfect for large company outings.

After all, if you dedicate your life to one firm, you definitely want to party with all of your life-mates from the office. Geishas, Onsens (hot springs), a beach and lots of wonderful mountain hiking to do help seal the appeal of this town as the perfect place to spend lots of cash with your work buddies.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Atami had it all - sights... money...glamour...and a primo place in the phone book.

Then, in the late 90s, it all came crashing down.

The economy stagnated, people's lifetime employment and astoundingly high salaries suddenly vanished. Suddenly, there were no more groups of drunken salary men making the shinkansen trip out to take in a geisha show, relax in an onsen, and perhaps even fantasize the night away with one of the so called "onsen geisha" - women who were known to have much less talent and much more horizontal availablity than their traditional perfomer namesakes.

Japanese workers became much more careful with their vacation time and dollars, preferring instead to save up for longer, more exotic jaunts across the country or around the world. No longer did they want to spend every waking hour with their work compatriots. Thus, Atami fell out of favour. The big rooms sat empty, and the geisha suddenly found themselves without their usual audience. The onsen geisha presumably moved and set up shop closer to paying, ah... bathers.

The thing is, though, that even if the customers dry up, you can hardly fold up the buildings. The onsens are still full of luxurious hot water, and the views are still just as spectacular.

After you've gone to the trouble of building hot water fountains where vacationers can boil their own eggs in the volcanic water as a snack...

Where do you go? What do you do?

Adapt, of course. Change with the times. The luxury hotels with the large rooms, and the onsens in the basements? Well, with some changes to the plumbing and some refurbishing, you can definitely transform a luxury hotel into a luxury condominum. Perhaps you can lure people out to live a more leisurely, less spendthrift life in a place that they once only visited in an explosive orgy of spending*.

This makes for some changes in the environment, but Atami has retained a few of the shining bits of its former self. Namely, the Geishas.

Now, things have presumably changed a bit. My friends and I were able to enjoy an hour long geisha show for a just over 1000 yen. Ten dollars, ladies and gentlemen, and you too can enjoy the dancing and performance skills of some of Atami's wonderfully skilled traditional entertainers.

For an hour, you and a room full of camera toting Japanese folk can travel back in time. Whether you want to head back to the far past through the stories presented silently on stage, or you want to think back to the wealth that floated around on the bubble, you can travel back in Atami. On the stage at least, little has changed.

Unfortunately, this also includes the performers. Some of them were a tad older than I expected.

And WAAAY angrier.

Now, they did have one or two cute ones.

She remained cute in my eyes until she smiled at me after the show. I've never actually winced so badly, but her chompers were a mishapen mix of yellows and browns that would make a horse blanche. Egad. I've seem some rough dentures in this land, but she took the first prize with just the top half.

Anyway, the show itself was fascinating, and lent itself very well to making up my own "Desperate Housewives (in kimonos)" stories...

"Great job with the fire drill, Keiko! Do you think we'd be could faster next time if we could take bigger steps...?"

"Wanna trade fans for a bit? We can be like sisters!!! BFFs forever???!??? Prettty Please?"

"How come my fan doesn't do that clickey thing?"

"Is this really the best way to dry my laundry, Hiro?"

"STOP IT! YOU'RE SCREWING UP MY TIMING!"

"We're on a HIIIIIIIIIIIGH WAAAAAAAY TO HEEELLLLLL!!!! DA DA DA!!!"

"OH YEAH?!?! I learned *this* from E. Honda!"

"I hope nobody heard that... I'm so embarrassed."

"I know Kung fu."
"Show me".

"Free of independent thought since 2003!"

Of course, now you have to deal with people making a big stupid deal out of things.
Still, the geisha were wonderfully willing to take pictures with the tourists.

Even the really ridiculous tourists.

I think there's hope for Atami yet - it's more than worth the trip.

On the regular train, anyway.

*JAPANESE help, for a change:

Zaibatsu - "financial clique". These are the five big companies that basically controled most of the Japanese economy in the period before WWII. Mitsubishi is perhaps the best known outside of Japan. Although these were theoretically broken up after WWII, there are still major bits and pieces here and there that continue the business tradition.

Keiretsu - the more recent conglomerate structure. These are groups of Japanese companies that work together in everything from technology sharing to cross share ownership, the latter is designed to protect Japanese firms from foreign takeover.

A note about "OLD" geishas: Actually, the stereotype of the geisha that we have in the west is based on a Maiko. These apprentice geisha are mostly found around Kyoto, and are the pretty young things we hope they all are. The rest are...well...dancers. You're not supposed to try to hit on them anyway, right?

English help:
* Explosive orgy of spending: spending a lot of money on crazy thinges. Ie. "onsen geisha"

More English help is forthcoming. Post your word questions if you want a faster answer, and I'll explain things.

Good Geisha, Scary Geisha

2007-02-13T09:43:00.000-08:00

Geishas are one of the wonderful stereotypes of Japanese mythology. Recently, I've had a chance to enjoy some exciting times with some very different Geishas.

For example, "The Geisha" at Fujiyu highland. She is both a good Geisha, and a very, very naughty Geisha. You know... the slutty kind that tie their kimonos in the front.

I first saw this rolling monstrosity of a Japanese lady some time back, while she was still in her Maiko (apprentice/training/construction) phase.

At the time, I had no idea where the bloody train would go on a loop that seemed to leave no way for the train not to violently throw people out of the cars....

Ah.... this is where "the brilliance" comes in. I say "the brilliance" because these folk have taken the whole "suspended" roller coaster to a whole new level. In fact, this crazy girl flips you upside down FOURTEEN TIMES!

How? Well, by mounting the cars on the side of the tracks, rather than on top or below, the chairs are freed to spin in any direction. To keep you from being blasted out of your seatbelt while facing the wrong way on a loop-de-loop, the coaster rides on two sets of tracks. The distance between the two sets controls the angle of the cars.

Yeah.... it's pretty incredible.

Genius.

Oh, and did I mention the coaster also features a ninety degree drop?

...

One that you do FACE FIRST.

But you don't need to take my word about how much fun the ride is. You see, I was sure to have a handy fun-o-meter handy: A friend with big hair.

In other words, "Big" Fun.

She's a Good Geisha, but also a scary Geisha.

Right team?

YEAH!!!

Bonus points if you spotted the fact that someone went missing from the "YEAH" pose.

I suppose you feel pretty bad about opening up a post about Geishas and getting something about roller coasters.

Hmmm... maybe some off kilter English

Still not satisfied, are you?

Stay tuned.

Best Summer Ever

2007-02-10T09:04:00.000-08:00

So, sometimes people come up with adjectives that don't realllly match the thing they are describing.

Take "Summer" for example. Summer is "Hot", "Sticky" and "Fun". So, I suppose people basically felt that any adjective that describes a hot, fun time is appropriate for summer.

Hmm... this occasionally goes.... wrong.

Want to see it live? CLICK!!!!!!!

I love it when my spirits are raised and the city comes energetically. It's so throbbingly hot. I'm not sure what bon-odori is, but I'm pretty sure it means "naked and sweaty"

Troublesome Torii

2007-02-08T09:34:00.000-08:00

This Torii stands guard over a troublesome spot. It's a place of contradictions and problems. History, politics and a nation that sometimes doesn't know what to think about itself.

Props make the party

2007-02-08T07:53:00.000-08:00

You can go ahead and file this post under

1) Reasons I don't share this address with my students

2) Shenanigans

3) Pictures my friends will kill me for posting.

4) Bwahahahaaaa!!!

So, last weekend there was a wee bash. As with any good bash, it was designed around creating the maximum number of possible reasons for people to come out and act crazy. These reasons included a Birthday Party (David's), a Saturday night, A Pyjama Party, and a Playboy Theme!

These last two themes are particularly liberating. Much like Halloween, Oktoberfest and University, they let people dress up in astoundingly foolish (...skanky?) clothing while assuming minimal personal responsibility for any photographic evidence that might appear on one blog or another.

A great many costumes, props and other shenaniganery were acquired, worn, and as rumour has it, removed by various gropey fingers. (you bad, bad people).

Anyway, without further ado, I would like to present some highlights from the First Bi-Annual Chateau John PJ party dress-like-a-crazy-person-at-night party.

Or...

Fun things that start with "B":

Balloons, Boys, Bathrobes, Boisterousness.

Bravo! Honourable "B" mention: Beards!

Ben!

Ben + Girl = Happy Ben.

Bear suits!

Yoko pulls off the pink bear suit better than I've ever seen a pink...bear...suit...pulled?

Boredom?

Oh... shit... there's one other thing...

umm...

BIG BOUNCY BOOBIES!!!

eYAH!! big, bold, beautiful bouncy breasts ROCK! (Especially FAKE breasts...on...Brent?)

Why?

Well...the boys paid extra attention to me...

...and the girls were jealous of me...

Heck, I even got to share my back pain with my sistahs.

There was a downside though, as some strange guy kept trying to do strange things to my breasts!!!

/at first it was strange, but eventually I liked it...

Ah... who are we kidding. There's only one thing that brings the boys out time and time again. It even starts with a "B".

BISEXUAL TENDENCIES!!!

(aka...lipstick lesbians!!)

Lucy wins for enjoying it the most!!!

Triva: How many drinks do you think I consumed at this party?

a) 0: Drive-home-sober.

b) 1-5 Standard drinks, responsibleish for a party..

c) 6-10...er...ish...whee!!!hooo!!!

d) Way too many to count, so much so that I went crazy and ran around with fake breasts.

Place your bets?

And the answer was...

"a"!

That's right folks... I was high on life, lemon juice and the ego trip that comes from being the 'biggest' girl in the room.

... that was...until another guy showed up with another set from the same...er...shop.

Bitch.

English help:

Boisterousness: acting in a rowdy or childish manner. Being very active, or too full of energy. Like small boys.

lipstick lesbians: girls that will kiss other girls, but little else. Often used to refer to girls that touch each other at the urging of (or to cause urges among) boys.

Winter Water Wonder

2007-02-06T07:58:00.000-08:00

Ah, sweet Fuji kyu highlands.... such a wonderful source of amusement. I really have to hand it to those people. They keep the park open all year round! Imagine that! They toss in an ice skating rink, and give you an excuse to wear fun mittens!

Claire says "YEAH!"

After all, you can't really be *truly* amused without a psychedelic Zamboni.

Seriously, they even keep the water rides going! Outdoor water rides and outdoor ice skating, within fifty metres from one another. Ah... the pleasures of sweet double H single O. How I love thee, sweet Two HOs. All the wet fun I can handle.

er...

yeah..

Anyway... back to the wet and wild water ride. How does one deal with the actual "water" part of the water ride?

Easy.

A roof!

Ta da!! Now you can experience the thrill of a huge soaking wave...without the wave part.

Of course, there is some temptation for visitors to get wet. After all, imagine if you wanted to clean your hair in the middle of winter? Wherever would you go?

I don't know about you, but I would certainly plaster my head full of shampoo, then ride butt-naked on the roof of the water ride.

er.... DAMN. You're not allowed to shampoo your blue afro.

They think of everything here.

Lucas makes sure that all passers-by know what's up.

"No hygiene for you! NO. Not yours!"

/yes yes... I know that the shampoo stuff is to keep smelly college students from using the water ride as a 4000/yen per day shower in the summer... but what's the fun in that? It's better to invent my own reality and drag y'all along.

Sunrise on the Odakyu

2007-02-05T07:35:00.000-08:00

The early morning train is most often the end of an evening for me, but that doesn't mean I don't stop to enjoy a good sunrise...

Ah.... scenic Noborito.

I also enjoy taking personal bets on the number of stops sleeping people will ride before they realize they've missed their stop. My personal record is.... oh... about forty.

/seriously.

//It took me over 2 hours to get home...

Let's Horror: A video montage

2007-02-02T06:44:00.000-08:00

These days, most people know that the Japanese have a knack for horror. I suspect that this was a somewhat less publicized around the world a few years ago, before "The Ring" scared the crap out of everyone. I've never seen the Japanese original, but I don't doubt that it's far, far scarier than the Western copy.

Why? Well, after visiting a few haunted houses and such here, I've realized that the average Japanese person is far better at BEING scared. The reaction is very visceral, and people feel no qualms about screaming, squealing, bouncing and fleeing bodily from danger. And those are just the men.

That kind of reaction to horror has got to be some serious positive reinforcement for the average horror film maker.

Want proof?

I went to a haunted house recently, and thought it would be fun to video tape my friends' exit from the haunted house. Unfortunately, all you can hear before people run out of the exit is a lot of screaming in total, abject terror. So, I kept the camera on, and I'm glad that I did.

As such, I am proud to present to you "Low Budget Video Montage of Frightened Japanese People, Vol. 1".

Of course, it's only fair to present the final verdict, courtesy of dear Emily Sensei.

Nice.

Background:

During a trip through this haunted house, each group is given a flashlight. Being able to look around with just a single light for three people is bloody scary. Especially when your flashlight dies, as one group's did. The house is full of gory scenes and various actors dressed up like zombies. They sneak up on you through various trap doors and false walls. They creep up behind you, come out from under beds. Trust me, it is scary as SHIT.

Amusing anecdote:

Some of our heroes were making their way carefully through a fearful dungeon of horror. The light on their flashlight, dim to start, slowly trailed off into nothing. Using their cell phones to light the way, they crept through the bloody rooms. Suddenly, a ghost jumped out at them! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!", said one girl. Slowly, the ghost put a hand into his bloody jacket, and pulled out....

A REPLACEMENT FLASHLIGHT!

Handing it over, the ghost bowed twice and faded back into the darkness.

Sigh... only in Japan.

Garbage Can Etiquette

2007-02-01T06:55:00.000-08:00

Garbage cans in Japan have a certain etiquette, or set of manners, that you need to follow. For example, one important social custom is: Please place the garbage in the can.

Now, a garbage bin I saw relayed the background for why we do this, but I can't quite figure out whether the reasoning is...

Please do not eat the garbage, as this is why we have provided the can.

or

Please dispose of your garbage here. If you leave it out, wild crazy people with two teeth will come and eat it during the night.

The garbage cans are also quick to offer tips on the proper method of disposal.

The one on the right means:
Look chump, you are not Zidane, Ronaldo, or even David Beckham. Maybe you played little league football/soccer, and you were a hero to tens of your immediate family members, but you do not (repeat: *YOU DO NOT*) have the necessary talent to kick your garbage through this little hole. So, just drop it in nicely, ok??? Good. Now get over to the Squid-On-A-Stick stand and spend some freakin' money.

or maybe it's "Don't kick the garbage".

It's one of those. But in either case, you are encouraged to break wind with impunity.

Garbage cans also have guidelines for which sporting events are considered appropriate. For instance, this can symbolizes the fifth hole of the International One-Armed-Persons Nippon Trash Bash Open.

Mostly, I want to know where I can get a physics-defying golf club that launches garbage in the direction OPPOSITE the one I swing. Imagine how much fun you could have at the driving range freaking out the people behind you.

Excuse me.... Excuse ME! DON'T SWING TOWARDS US!!! AAAA!!! .... 400 yards? What?

In my limited Japanese:

すめません。。。　　すみません！！！　　　だめ！！　　だめ！！　　ヤダ！！　　ばか外人！！　ああああああああ！！！　... ４００ｍ？　なに？

Finally, we can end with a Pop Quiz:

Which of the following things should you do with a sleeping (dead) raven in the park?

A: Put it near the trash.

B: Wrap it up all nicely. Be sure to give it a pillow.

C: Dress it up, with a necklace and whatnot.

D: Make a birdie burrito.

E: Give it a birdie toupee.

Answer: All of the above.

Optional for foreigners only:
E: Golf the shit out of it, then kick it into the mouth of a wild, crazy person with only two teeth.

To be continued....

-----------------------------------------------

English help:

Etiquette: Manners

Little league: kids league

tens of your family members: not very many people

break wind: fart/pass gas

with impunity: without worrying about punishment.

launches garbage in the direction OPPOSITE the one I swing: hits garbage backwards

burrito: mexican food, it comes in a tortilla shell.

toupee: fake hair

Golf the shit out of it: (Verb) the shit out of it - do something really forcefully.

Tentacles: A Cultural Legacy

2007-01-31T08:13:00.000-08:00

One of the most interesting facts about living in Japan is things that might have seemed strange to you once upon a time suddenly become commonplace. Things like having enough confidence in your grocer to buy raw fish and eat it without any sort of "cooking" crap. Or getting on a train butt-first, because that's the only way to make room for yourself...or even coffee misnomers.

(er... how can it be straight, and still have milk?)

Perhaps the strangest thing I've gotten used to out here is the prevalance of tentacles. Seriously... becoming comforable with tentacles as a lifestyle choice has been a big thing for me.

For example: I didn't deem anything here out of the ordinary the first few times I walked by this shop:

Seriously... take another look at these delicious snacks...

Corn Dogs, Corn, and Squid-On-A-Stick.

I smiled a bit, but didn't think squid-on-a-stick strange enough to actually buy one.

Oh Japan. You and your crazy tentacles have way too much fun. Ever since that Katsushika Hokusai guy back in the Edo era went on a crazy creative trip and laid the seeds for so much modern edu-tainment. Not only did he give us cultural treasures like "36 views of Mt. Fuji", but he also invented the word "manga" and painted the worlds' first "fisherwoman-tentacle-porn-threesome", over 200 years ago!

...

I'm not making this up.

PS: This is a censored version. If you want to see the *real* deal, and the history of this image, in all it's tentacley, 1820s grandeur... click here.

Pub: A Misnomer

2007-01-29T05:27:00.000-08:00

Although English is quite common around Japan, it often doesn't mean quite what you think it means. Usually, you can puzzle it out. If you're lucky, the fuzziness in the meaning comes from the fact that an unintentional (dirty) pun has been made. But... you can still understand what they meant to say.

Intentional meaning: Please don't come here to stare at women, you pervert. This is a WOMEN'S clothing store!
Accidental Filth: You can take her from behind, or take her on the table...but if you aren't regularly humping that chick (preferably RIGHT NOW) you aren't welcome here, buddy.

On the other hand, sometimes the vocabulary is used in a totally unconnected manner.

For example:

PUB
SNACK
CAFE
BAR

To me, these are harmless words that involve food and drink.

Here in Japan, you'll find out very quickly that the menu at the "PUB" is quite different from what you are expecting.

These establishments might give you an idea what to expect.

In case you need some help reading between those lines, these words all refer to "hostess clubs". I like to describe hostess clubs as "emotional strip clubs". You see, rather than paying good looking women to take off their clothes, customers pay good looking women to laugh at their jokes, pour their drinks, and generally make the paying men feel like they are loved and wanted. I'd like to think that this practice draws something from the tradition of geishas as entertainers for hire, who use their talents in conversation and performance to entertain men. Then again, they also bear a strong resemblance to "hookers that play nice".

THIS STORY IS QUITE DIRTY. It is not suitable for work, or for my mother. Mother, you can go now.

For the record: I have a VERY limited number of experiences (ie. one) with hostess clubs. And that experience...was not so good.

A few friends and I managed to stumble into one by accident while looking for a "BAR", after the bouncer promised us 3000 yen for all-you-can-drink. Of course, this is all YOU can drink. The women push you to buy THEM drinks, which is how they make their money. Even though my drunken haze was so thick I could have cut it with a dull spork, I remember one thing:

A very large, very Russian woman plopped herself down on my lap and said "You give 3000 yen, we go."

A few thoughts rushed through my drunken mind, things like

I don't know where this train is going, but I want to get off. No... not THAT get off. Stupid brain... the "escape" form of get off.... gah. 3000 yen? What, does she make it up on volume?!?... Volume!? ewww... ok... AAargh... say something ... anything....alright brain...let's get this crazy chick off of us...

"NO WAY! Get off of me!!!".

After this, I was tenderly - and probably deservedly - escorted (you might say "tossed") out of the bar by one of the large bouncers, who have much less tolerance for drunk people after they choose not to spend 3000 yen on a Jumbo Russian Take Out Special.

Special thanks to Hana, who sent me the top picture while being...taken...to the store(?)... and who will probably be displeased that her pic was posted in a chat about hookers for the mind.

Compotabilty Conspiracy? Let's Go Down!

2007-01-26T09:04:00.000-08:00

Ever since a friend of mine spent 2000 yen trying to win an "English Dictionaly" from a UFO catcher, I have admitted the possibility that the writers of some of the hystierical Engrish around me are laughing too. Are we simply falling victim to a massive linguistic conspiracy? Perhaps I am being totally outsmarted by people who might not know how to form a fully correct English sentence, but who certainly know how to form a highly amusing *incorrect* sentence.

Take this video game console for example:

A friend spotted it in Daiei, and you'd better believe that a few thousand yen loosened themselves in my wallet in preparation to fight for this linguistic treasure. Imagine it: a video game console that manages to be inclusive (EVERYBODY!!), instead of judgemental and mocking because you suck at dodgeball. (ahem)... AND....wonderful chance.... EVERYBODY GETS OFF! Ah, geekdom! They've even thrown in an incorrect "Let's" to seal the deal! Rejoice, for your salvation is only a few thousand yen of UFO clawing power away...

Oh! Glorious Temptationing!

(shakes self off...)

So, you see how a well placed "Get off" can make a product so much more desirable to the English consumer.

And then... much like the oft-clutched-at prize, this idea slips between my inept, underpowered mechanical fingers. Assuming that there is a language conspiracy is pretty freaking self-centered.

I honestly feel that marketers simply don't care. They phrase things in ways that they know the Japanese consumer will understand (eg 95% of the market), rather than trying to sneakily con the other 5% (is it even that high?). I don't deny that a few savvy marketers have probably managed to kill those two very different sized birds with a few well placed dirty double entendres, but I have to believe that this is the exception, not the norm.

To boot, my belief in a hyperliterate english-abusing Japanese marketing elite "takes blow" (A!! A!!) every time I teach a lesson on "Phrasal Verbs"
that goes horribly, horribly wrong.

"The other day, I ate out my parents!" (ate out WITH!)

"I came into Masa yesterday" (RAN into!)

Adam Sensei: Come on Keiko! Come on Keiko! Let's go!!!
4 year old Keiko: Come on...me? (GAK!!!)

And... besides.... those UFO prizes are all made in China.

... those guys LOVE a good conspiracy!

Handywoman

2007-01-25T08:42:00.000-08:00

So boys.... have you ever been alone at night, and wished that your hand could turn into a beautiful woman?

Wouldn't that be great?

Fear not, handfantasizers! Japan has you covered, so let your mind wander! Imagine if you could stuff your sexy hand into a hot black corset. Picture her long, golden legs and narrow waist. She would cut a neat figure and turn a healthy calf, methinks. Indeed, much like all those rabbit owning ladies, you'd never *really* need to leave the house.

Well, (ladies and) gentlemen, am happy to announce that this magical handywoman exists!

She works in Shibuya, and she sells CORSETS!!

Truthfully, her surroundings are nowhere near as illustrious as she is, but an ill-fitting corset on a twisted mannequin goes a long way to "level up" the illustriousness of a given neighbourhood.

You can see that day she was holding up a Japanese sign with this guy's photo!

You can see that she was holding up a Japanese photo sign with this guy Dave!

In addition to points for "utility" and "poise", Miss Handywoman's creators also scored highly in the "creepy", "twisted" and "imaginative" categories. Bravo! Here's your little gold stat- ...

....

-------------

Rabbit owning ladies - email me, ask in person, or click this link somewhere OTHER than your office.

Olde-ish English:
cut a neat figure - be slim
turn a healthy calf - have nice legs.
methinks - I think.

Self Esteem: Now 50% less!

2007-01-24T08:22:00.000-08:00

I'm a big fan of crazy English, and crazyness in general, so I wanted to share a wonderful "little" place with you.

In what has probably become my favourite bit of town, Sakuragicho, head to the World Porters building. It's about about a 10 minute walk from the station - head towards the giant ferris wheel. Look for the giant building that looks like...uh...this:

The whole building is worth a shop, but I particularly enjoyed the fifth floor, the "Broadway Avenue Floor". Here, you'll find lots of wonderful little crazy shops. Fair warning: most of the clothes in these shops are in Japanese sizes, so bring a fair bit of confidence or a smaller friend if you want to buy anything. Still... it's worth wandering.

After all, you wouldn't want to pass up the chance to see about a fashion store that might as well be called "Slutty Susan".

Loosy Lou not only encourages whoring, but also fails horribly in most of its attempts to be "cheerful", despite liberal use of "YEAH! and fluffy bunnies.

YEAH! See our family to realize As it's all running down! Fill your head all full of lies!!!

The back of the shirt isn't too shabby either, as it also matches fluffy bunnies with soul draining insanity.

Overall, it's a wildly optimistic store.

After all that soul-draining, you might want something to cheer you up. Don't worry. They've got you covered next door...

Golden Jesus lights up your life, you know.

Oh, and if you aren't into gramatically challenged depression or God-kitsch, you can always play mini golf on the roof. The view is fantastic, and 18 holes of crazy fun are only 800 yen.

And...you always know what time it is!

Still, if golf isn't your thing... I guess you could....

Get your ears cleaned?!?!

This shop is on the 6th floor of World Porters.... ready with immaculately clean people armed with face masks, q-tips and barbers' chairs. Dave and I were running late, and had no time for even the 1000 yen "basic" cleaning... but if anyone else heads out there before I do, please snag some pics and report back!

* Sorry, is my "Geek" showing?

illegallity for your amusement and education

2007-01-23T08:46:00.000-08:00

The transit system in Japan is amazing, and I've written many times that it is a model of how density can improve your life.

But what if you've forgotten your wallet? What if you had no money? In a car based society, one could hitchhike, or beg the bus driver to let you on. Here in Japan, hitchhiking for the train is not so effective....and the bus drivers...well...they don't speak English so well, so "begging" doesn't work.

So, for your education, dear reader, several friends and I engaged in an academic exercise...

HOW TO CHEAT THE TRAIN SYSTEM
(Four Handy Methods and One Disclaimer)

There are several main schools of thought about the best way to engage in this activity (sport?).

SCHOOL ONE: Don't do this.

The first school of thought suggests quite clearly that this is an illegal activity, and you can probably be sent to pounding-you-in-the-behind-by-a-sumo-wrestler prison if you do it too often. Anyway... the penalties are quite severe (so stay tuned!) After all, you are making use of the service, so... I seriously suggest that you buy a ticket. Er...and do remember that cameras have been mounted at all of the station gates...so you may get booked if you use this knowledge for the cause of evil.

Of course, unless you feel like making funny videos while you wait for a friend. Then... well... go to town.

SCHOOL TWO: Clueless Drunken Foreigner Bash Through Style

This is probably the most widely used form of train-gate missing. It quite simply means "walking through the gate" and giving your best "I'm a stupid foreigner and I don't know how to work this crazy Japanese stuff" look to any train staff you make eye contact with. They will usually decide that you are too much effort to deal with and wave you through.

It looks like this:

I've used this trick a few times (*almost* exclusively by accident). It works better the less you shave and the more confused you look.

SCHOOL THREE: Super Samurai Somersault Style

I think the name pretty much says it all. This method can be used in two ways. You can either try to barrel through as fast as possible and hope that the gate doesn't bash you in the face. Or... you can strategically note the placement of the sensor beams, cover them, and edge your way through until you think you can jump through before the electronic senors realize that the jig is up. Good, except during rush hour.

For the record, this style is known to be 70% more effective if you provide your own "Mission Impossible" Soundtrack.

EDIT: Some folks have complained of video trouble with this one, so I've reloaded and reposted for your repeated enjoyment.

SCHOOL FOUR: 2 - for - 1 Fire Man Carry Bonus Style

This one is more about strategy than physical prowess, though it takes a slight amount of technique. The trick is to balance one train customer on top of the other so you can use a single ticket. This makes your subterfuge less noticeable, as you will not set off the alarm trigger. On the other hand, you will clearly be carrying someone else. Try it if the guard is sleeping.

SCHOOL FIVE: SUPER TURBO SECRET LONG JUMPING STYLE

This is probably the most satisfying method to use. In it, you attempt to clear the gates in a single bound, avoiding the sensors and thereby winning glory for your entire deadbeat family (you rapscallion). If you manage to limit the size of your hop, you can probably get this done without alerting the station staff. It'll just between you and the maker, so start thinking about whether your eternal soul is really worth 130 yen. Well? Is it?

Here, Ben Sensei answers with a firm "no".

Oh... and stay tuned for the heavy handed response at the end from the station staff. He really fixes Ben good for using their property as a metaphorical transit chew-toy.

Ok, it's poll time... what's in his head?

1) Take that, foreign hooligans!!! It's my shakey hand! You'd better say "sorry" in Japanese or else....

2) Thank you very much for not jumping repeatedly through the gates for the past twenty five minutes!

3) I. hate. this. job.

4) Phew... what's that smell???

5) Look... I know I failed out of cop school...but seriously...where did life go wrong?

I'm open to suggestions, either for the "what's going through the station staffer's mind"... or for other academics' thoughts on this fine art.

And then there was one....

2007-01-22T10:09:00.000-08:00

Shortly after my arrival in Japan, a friend tried to prepare me for the cultural differences that are inherent in food (er, "scare the shit out of me") by describing various fanciful and different foods that seem strange to the Western palette. For example, he described how sushi could be pulled still-wriggling from the tank and killed in front of you.

"Yum", I responded at the time, and stand by that assessment after eating said wriggling fish numerous times. My friend proceeded to describe natto (fermented soy beans), taco (octopus), basashi (raw horse meat) and finally suzume (fried sparrows). I've managed to find and consume all of these things during my travels, with the notable exception of the sparrows.

Now, this isn't like eating a chicken, where the meat has been nicely chopped up so as not to resemble a live bird. Sparrows, as you may appreciate, are somewhat smaller. Thus, the easy solution is to skip the whole "chopping" crap, and just spear the suckers on sticks and roast them whole.

Interesting... to say the least. So, I've kept my eye out for them, but my Japanese reading skills aren't quite up to spec yet - without appetizing pictures, I am sometimes not all that sure what I am ordering. Mind you, this plan hasn't steered me wrong very many times.

-------

Fast forward to Saturday night at Hanbey, the basement Shibuya Izakaya that looks like 1950s Japan, and serves everything at 1950s Japan prices (grand total for a huge dinner for seven and three rounds of drinks: 16 000 yen ($160, or about $20 per person). This place is especially fun if you enjoy a few rounds of deep fried everything.

Of course, to compliment this, we were also imbibing a bunch of delicious shochu. Shochu, of course, is a rice or potato based drink that comes with the best designed glass EVER.

I touched on this some time ago, but I still love the system. The glass is served inside a small box. The glass is then filled past overflowing, until the liquor fills up the box as well. Then, as you drink it, any slop that spills out of the glass splashes into the box. You then simply pull the glass out of the box, and pour the box-booze into the glass, and quickly make it belly booze. Genius.

Here, you see our waitress pouring shochu into our eager glasses and boxes.

Be sure to note the amused grin on her face. This picture was taken immediately *after* I made a fateful request.

"Five of what you recommend, please!" (あなたのおすすめを五つお願いします！）

Suddenly, amid some fanfare and laughter from the wait-staff, five very small, very ugly looking bird carcasses appeared. I say "carcasses", because sparrows are generally cute. These looked more like shriveled up zombie-bird skeletons, covered in some sort of demon sauce. I never hesitated on the still-moving fish, or even the scorpion, but suzume are not an appetizing thing.

Especially when it seems to gaze back at you from the skewer.

See?

They taste something like what I imagine zombie birds to taste like too, if they were properly prepared. They weren't all that bad... mainly they were really quite crunchy (a whole skeleton and a beak will do that), but also surprisingly rather bitter. I thought the sauce was the bitter bit, but one of my dining companions informed me that the sauce was actually sweet, and was there to cover some of the bitterness of these skewered swallows. Man, those were some pissed off, bitter birds.

I wonder why they're so bitter. Maybe all the other birds have huge expectations in when they find out what kind of bird the Swallow is. "You're a cute bird, baby... wait... *you're* the *Swallow* bird??? Awesome. Let me give you my number... and you can drop by my nest any time..."

Anyway... I guess I can honestly say that suzume were actually a bit of a bump for me. I had to chase them with a skewer of tentacles to get the taste out of my mouth.

And the "one" food remaining? Why... "fugu" of course. The food that can actually kill you. Of course, I'll certainly take suggestions for other strange things to eat.

Sales Pitches!

2007-01-21T10:28:00.000-08:00

I love store front signage, as it is a good chance for a store to distill its insanity down to a single sentence.

For example, this store, which seems to be selling "HOP! HOP! HOP!"

I'm sure it's a hot commodity for all those times where "STEP" is not quite joyous enough, "JUMP" seems to reek of effort, and "LEAP!" is both too formal and too optimistic. "HOP!" is a great choice, and one of the more underused forms of personal motion. Great store.

Sometimes, the wit comes out when people don't quite understand the full meaning of a given word. Take the concept of "heat", for example. This would seem to be a very good idea for say... a tanning studio.

Unfortunately, the "heat" that you use to make yourself a nice golden brown is not quite the same as the heat that you use to make, say... a chicken breast a nice golden brown...

Of course, I also like it when people describe EXACTLY what happens at their store.
The gold standard of these types of ads are situations where inadvertent sexual references appear. Such as the sign below, which manages to turn a menswear shop into a rainbow flag waving banner for hiding your sexual orientation. Ah, sweet comic genius.

Of course, what do responsible young coming-out-of-the-closet-mens do with their straight mens??? Have no fear, the neighbourhood of Daikanyama (where all these pictures were snapped) has thoughtfully provided this gem of a shop next door. Just drop your breeder mens off here with pocket money to shop around.

All of this promotion is well and good, but it certainly lacks a certain amount of "wild, overwhelming untruthfulness". This, I think is a highly underrated advertising technique...

Potty Minded

2007-01-17T09:29:00.000-08:00

Some of the greatest things about this country are the juxtapositions. Things are connected here in ways that they were never intended to be - socially, physically and even gramatically.

Perhaps this is nowhere more evident than in the bathroom. You see, the Japanese have developed what is likely the world's greatest toilet. This wonderful device includes a heated seat, a butt washer, a bidet (lady parts washer, for all you single men out there), multiple water flush levels, a deoderizer, a fan, "flushing sounds" (so that your internal orchestra can't be heard), and now... motion sensitive seats!

Adding to the technical achievement is the fact that the toilet is not controlled by any sort of crappy knob system, but rather by a wall mounted control panel (computer bank?).

Check out the sweet graphics for "ass" and what they did to avoid depicting "washing a vagina" in cartoon format.

Oh... and with buttons on the top of the control panel, you can also control different aspects of the seat. Now there's no need to use your foot to lift the seat in a skeezy bar bathroom!!!

/I know I promised not to take any more cell phone videos, but I felt weird enough making "picture" sounds in the stall. I didn't feel the need to cart in a giant camera with a huge telephoto lens.

//.... ha ha... very funny.

Of course, much in the way that your sweet old grandma can talk a lot of crap after a bottle of wine, nothing is perfect. Thus, all is not roses in the land of the Japanese bathroom. The "traditional" (aka "train station") bathroom is somewhat less technical. In fact, it consists of little more than a flushable hole in the floor.

While this hole has the admirable benefit of only needing to be cleaned once every winter, it has some significant drawbacks:

1) You have to squat uncomfortably. No magazine reading for you, mister.

2) If you aren't careful, you might crap on your shoes.

3) Drinking and going to the bathroom takes on a whole new risk level. Avoid it.

4) When you finish your business, it's WAAY more "in-your-face".

5) No more "I got it from the toilet seat, baby", excuses.

6) Did I mention that you can poo on your shoes a lot more easily?

7) You. Might. Poo. On. Your. Shoes.

There is a trick to it, which I will share with all of you non-Japanites (just in case you ever drop by, or need to crap in the woods). Pull your pants down to the lower thigh, rather than all the way down to your ankles. This minimizes the chances that you will have any...complications.

And of course, there is one more dirty little secret to the Japanese bathroom. Take a look at this picture.

Do you notice anything missing? Anything.... hygenic? Like SOAP??

For some reason, soap seems to be quite optional here. To all you people at the Fucked Up Shit Department, I would like to know how you can automate a toilet to the point where it is practically qualified to vote for me in municipal elections, yet miss something as essential as soap?!?!

Maybe if we had Robo-soap.

/For the record, I have never pooed on my shoes, but it remains my greatest Japanese bathroom fear.

A small favour

2007-01-17T09:19:00.000-08:00

First of all, I love it when things speak for themselves. I mean... what the hell can I say that makes this funnier? Nothing. Spanky Favour. Bahaahhahah...

Er, but I suppose I can add more of the same.

Super extra bonus points for the part of the sign at the bottom, which if you look closely says "Breed". I think they might have meant "Bleed", which can mean "one thing mixing into the other", but it sounds pretty funny when they seem to be offering you the chance to make someone pregnant for an extra 10 000 yen on top of the price of your haircut.

That's not a bad deal, actually. $300 for a hair cut, $100 for some risky sex. Until then, I'd sure like a spanky favour.

/with special thanks to David. Expect more of his awesomeness in coming days.

Trifecta

2007-01-16T10:23:00.000-08:00

I am proud to say that I managed to find a sign that was

1) Rude
2) In Japan
3) Gramatically Correct.

Amazing.

I spotted this hand made wood furniture shop in the ultra-trendy (read: expensive, and I'm looking at you, Ralph Lauren!) Omotesando.

I'm kind of out of my element here.... dirty, gramatically correct and actually relevant?

Umm.... come back tomorrow for our talk about Robo-pooping.

Really Sorta Kinda Fast?

2007-01-15T08:43:00.000-08:00

The amazing network of trains here definitely one of the greatest parts of Tokyo, as innumerable lines connect more ramen shops, dance clubs and instant - photo booths to your doorstep than anywhere else on earth - and that's a good thing.

Express trains were absent from the handful of lines that serve my native Toronto (which embarrassingly doesn't even have a rail link from the airport!). But here, they are one of the tools that the private companies use to draw business away from the formerly government-controlled Japan Rail (JR) lines. JR uses some limited express trains, but they make do with a much smaller variety of Express systems. Some of the private lines, on the other hand, seem to have gone crazy with the Thesaurus and the word "Fast". This makes it both confusing and amusing to use some of the networks.

Bonus comedy points for "Semi Special Express".

Even more confusing is the fact that all the companies seem to have used different thesauruses (thesaurusi?)

For example, here on the Odakyu Line, the Rapid express is the Express train with the fewest stops, whereas the Keio Line above uses the "Rapid" as the Express train with the most stops.

I'm just going to write down as many words as I can that involve speed. Private rail operators? I'm looking to see at least 10 more train options within a few weeks, ok?

Turbo
Hyper
Quick
Speedy
Lightning-Quick
Quick
Psuedo-Quick
Fast

Er.... or you could try a whole new and wonderful palette of words! Imagine the possibilities!!!

Ride the Sensitive Feminine Express for fifteen minutes, get off... then get on the Vapid Whorish Republican Line for a bit. Wait until the Delightful Titillating Verklempt Express comes, then ride it for twenty minutes until it stops completely. Be careful because if you wait on it too long, you'll get thrown off, so get off on your own before that. Finally, you can take the Witty Tender Cheerful Line home. Don't forget to get off at your stop!

Finally, you should have a cigarette.

Language Help:

Verklempt is actually from Yiddish (a Jewish language). It means "overcome with emotion".

Vapid means empty-headed, or stupid.

Titillating means "excited".

Let's Embarassing!

2007-01-13T18:49:00.000-08:00

TV is a wonderful way to learn about culture. While I've mostly given up TV for this new fangled "internet" thing, I do enjoy the bits and pieces of Japanese TV that make it to the net. Here are some of the best ones I've turned up recently.

These shows are amazing because they have no qualms about using "physical pain" as the primary source of entertainment. There's also a healthy dose of shame here. The shame is the interesting bit, because shame is the primary means of enforcing social rules here in Japan. Drinking on the street isn't illegal, but it is discouraged. People will stare and frown and generally express that they feel your behaviour is "shameful". Public shaming is among the worst punishments, as most social discipline is expressed in a private setting. Taboos are fascinating, and therefore, everyone loves watching some poor naked sap get pitched down a ski hill with his willy waving around. It's also dead funny for just about everyone but the doodle dangling downhiller.

On to the "pain" bit. This is fun because pain itself is funny, but we feel a bit guilty when we watch someone else get hurt (even if you sometimes laugh a bit... and I'm looking at you "Three Stooges".) The solution to this little ethical dilemma is to use the THREAT of pain as a driver.

Again, watching someone scream for his life can be pretty funny when you know he'll be ok in the end. Want proof? Take a ride in this taxi.

I wonder what they tell people when they make them sign the waivers. After all, I doubt that they're spoiling the prank...

This next bit is purely about scaring the living crap out of people. It's wickedly funny, because the camera operator knows what sells: people screaming in sheer terror while we laugh at their misfortune. Sounds evil doesn't it? Clicky Clicksity...

I find Japanese TV most intriguing for the use of a studio audience and call-out boxes to display people (often celebrities) reacting to key moments. I suspect that they use this image to let you know which "reaction" you are expected to have. Shocked? Happy? Amazed? What if you're unsure? Well, just follow the guy in the box. They pop them onto the screen and show the viewer that it is socially acceptable to laugh out loud, cry or shout at the contestant.

The in-show commentators are seemingly designed to create the feeling that TV is more of a community-based experience than a personal one, which is very important in a society that pursues unity to such a large extent. The studio audience lets you seek consensus, or at least the generally accepted way to react to a given situation.

After all, the whole audience is laughing. Why aren't you?

Socktual Harassment.

2007-01-13T08:45:00.000-08:00

Indespensible socks are the best things ever. I do love a good sock, and the Tokyo crowds are far more foot-fashion-forward than most people. Perhaps it's becase the manufacturers don't tend to promote a choice. Here is the text from a sock package I saw near my school.

Buy this sock. It's indespensible!

Japanese Supermarkets: Rather Superb

2007-01-12T06:21:00.000-08:00

One of the things I like best about this country is that my best source of nutrients and my best source of entertainment happen to be the same store. What store, you ask? Why... the humble grocery store, of course.

I've ranted many times about the comic A-list, with our usual comic culprits like Creap and Deepresso.

Sometimes, though, the joyfulness of shopping comes from a more subtle eye. Take these people, who are drastically lacking in confidence. I wouldn't buy "Dirty Pee Flavoured Ice", but these people really ought to do more than wash the stuff.

Some other companies dispense with any sort of modesty or limitation of their claims. Here is a wall of curry... some of them have opted for names like "Indian Curry" or "Dinner Curry", but check out the company selling "THE CURRY". That's it. The only curry that exists and the only one you need. It's kind of like "The Hoff", but in delicious curry form.

You can even find comedy in areas other than packaging, if you know where to shop. Check out this chunk of pre-cooked tuna neck for 800 yen.

If you don't think a kilogram of pre-cooked tuna neck is funny, try declaring it your lunch!

Sometimes you can see clearly what they were going for, but through some seemingly meaningless coincidences, you can end up connecting someone's lunch with, say.... dirt.

Best of all is when you get two or even three products lined up to deliver a punch line. I love the canned coffees. For some reason, the cute size and tough metal exterior seem to make the designers feel that they are well defended from dangerous things like innuendo and grammar.

Are you inspired? I am. I'm inspired to take a shot in the morning and then slurp up some hot sixty nine. Black or creamy... my choice.

Who knew that being lactose intolerant would stop me from enjoying a hot sixty nine every morning.

Skipping over the pond

2007-01-11T09:14:00.000-08:00

The Pacific Ocean is big. This fact, plus the usual airport/customs/immigration paperwork/waiting funfest means that a trip across the ocean is a bloody long one.

Oh, and since some bonehead Canadian invented Standard Time, I can also tell exactly how many hours the day will be extended or reduced by.

For example: a 14 hour time difference means......

Departure time from Toronto home: 10:45 AM, January 7th.
Arrival time at Tokyo apartment: 9:00 pm, January 8th.

U G H.

The upshot?

Some more evidence that cell phone cameras should kick ass so you don't always have to dig out your "real" camera. Here are some shots of clouds up near the Arctic Circle. They fly up near the pole for two reasons: 1) actual geography and 2) to uphold the great map-perception conspiracy that makes you feel that Greenland deserves almost as much UN representation as Africa.

Anyway, on to the fun pics.

Mmmm... marshmallow fields.

Yay for global-warming-inducing contrails!!! Whee!!!

Ok... that looks purty.

I learned a few lessons during the flight as well!

Good things to order when flying from Tokyo to Toronto

1) THE SALMON! Very yummy and fresh!
2) Wine! Drinks count for double at 20000 feet. Intercontinental flights are like the world's most expensive AND most effective all-you-can-drink parties!

Bad things to order when flying from Toronto to Tokyo

1) THE SALMON! Very scummy and reheated!
2) "Japanese Rice". Japanese people just say "Rice". You should be very suspicious* if the flight staff leaving Canada feel the need to specify that this particular rice is "Japanese".

*Very suspicious: Very unwilling** to risk.

**Very unwilling: do as I say, not as I do.

I'm Huge (in Japan)

2007-01-10T09:22:00.000-08:00

Well folks, I didn't manage to write much over the break after all, but I did have heaps of turkey and heaps of fun. I'll fill in the blanks over the next few days, but I wanted to share one particularly interesting bit that bridges the gap between Canada and Japan nicely. Or filthily, as I prefer to call it.

There are a number of wonderfully thoughtful people in Canada who I am proud to call my friends. One of these gifts was a very amusing shirt with the phrase

I'M HUGE IN JAPAN

written on in a vaguely oriental script. There are also some kanji written below the English sentence. I didn't wear the shirt during the day, but I described the characters to a friend and she informed me that they probably meant "giant body".

Now this is rather funny, because (for my 日本人 readers) huge can mean "large" or also "popular". Since this shirt was marketed to English speakers via the internet, one could assume that the two jokes to this sentence were...

1) That I may not seem big here, but in Japan, I'm VERY big!
2) You might not know who I am, but I'm VERY popular in Japan!

The fact that neither of these things is really all that true serves for a third joke, and I happily wore the shirt all day and showed it to a few of my students who found it to be even more hilarious than I expected.

Of course, little did I know, but a fourth joke had been hard at work without my knowledge. Near the end of the day, I actually showed the shirt to one of my Japanese co-workers. Her eyes went wide, and she said "Brent!!!" and hit me in the arm a few times. This is the standard treatment for when I test out new and dirty Japanese*.

Here's the shirt.

No doubt any J-readers are laughing now. Just so the rest of you can join in... it turns out that I didn't describe the Kanji correctly to my friend in the first place. Those Kanji don't mean "Huge Body", but rather "Huge Penis".

As I said to Dave after finding this out in a scotch bar, much to the amusement of the regulars... I guess it's an ego claim like wearing a Superman Shirt, but lower.

* An example of this behaviour is as follows:
Eg:

Brent:　おまんこはたのしです！！　　（Vaginas are fun!)
Co-worker: BRENT!!!! Stop Being Disgusting!! (Hit hit hit)

Homeward Bound

2006-12-23T08:14:00.000-08:00

I've jumped across the pond for a quick fix of a few of my favourite Canadian stereotype-ey things.

Er, and Christmas too. Unfortunately, the weather isn't cooperating with my plans to boost everyone's stereotypes of Canada as a blizzard encrusted land of igloo-dwelling, beer-swilling eh-sayers.

Ok... so sometimes we have blizzards. ... and we do drink beer.... eh?... but dagnabbit, we DON'T live in igloos!!!

On the plus side, now I have a chance to share the highlights of Japan with my friends!!!

Huzzah for Crazy Japanese Christmas Presents!

I assume the divine idea cookie within the fact I am!

This whole "Heading Back To Canada For The Holidays" also means that I probably won't be updating quite as often. On the plus side, I have a huge backlog of random insanity to write about. I'll post every 2-3 days, and you can expect me to edit them and everything! Whee! (EDIT: who was I kidding....?)

Thanks again for reading, dear reader. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and wonderful cheer for wherever you are.

Japanese Cops: Hardcore?

2006-12-21T09:58:00.000-08:00

Well... this is a surprisingly good metaphor. You see, the cops in Japan generally exist to give directions to lost citizens. They are courteous, kind, and generally helpful.

That is, until you look at them crosswise. They have ridiculous powers compared to their western counterparts. For example, the cops can hold you for about 21 days in custody without charging you. Oh yeah, and the courts here have about a 99% conviction rate, so if you are charged with something, the courts tend to belive the cops and toss your ass in jail regardless.

I kind of dismissed this as hearsay, until I heard a story from my dear friend Dave. Apparently, one day he was hanging around in downtown Yokohama. Some biker gang was making waaay too much noise and bothering the locals. After about forty minutes of listening to the bikers ciccle the area at an exceedingly high volume, a single cop came out of the station. He was calmly carrying a very large, very black nightstick. When the bikers came by for their next pass, the cop calmly pulled back his five foot steel rod, and cranked one of those poor fuckers in the head as hard as he could. The guy spun off his bike and flew into a crumpled heap at the side of the road. Seeing this, the cop calmly marched back into his station. The bike gang calmly scaped their shattered comrade off the road, and carried him off for what was presumably medical treatment. The cop never came out, and the gange didn't cause any further shit. Clearly the message was "fuck around if you want, but if I start getting complaints, your ass is mine and there isn't a bloody thing you can do about it.

So...uh... don't ride a loud bike...? That's hella scarier than using the force.

Sushi: Done Right

2006-12-20T09:12:00.000-08:00

I've eaten a lot of raw fish since stepping off the plane, but I just can't get enough. Maybe I have some sort of Mercury addiction. While the downsides of this are cancer and a much longer waiting time at airport security checks, knowing the temperature and eating a lot of damn fine tuna are at least within spitting distance of a reasonably good trade off.

And the odd tentacle isn't so bad either.

In any case, probably the best place for choppedup chunks of top-o-the-food chain mercury collectors (aka "maguro" or "tuna") is a little joint called "Midori Zushi". Let's just say that it's good enough that I'm not worried about spoiling your appetite with the potential health hazards of Tuna.

I wrote about this shop back in August, but I've taken a few more trips and managed to snag a few more pictures, so it's definitely worth another bout.

There are several locations around the city, including Shibuya and Futakotamagawa, but the flagship store in Umegaoka is still the best. (Umegaoka is about ten minutes or so west of Shinjuku on the Odakyu Line... directions below).

The plastic food out front is enticing but not extraordinary, and in terms of decor, all three places are nice, but not mind boggling. The service actually bordered on slow a few times, but after eating one dish, I'm as likely to bitch about waiting in line to see Cameron Diaz Mud Wrestling Angelina Jolie. **

I mean, it's not like the chef-to-cutting board space ratio is all that bad.

You see, buck toothed Jehovah's witnesses with unibrows could serve this sushi in an alley decorated with busts of Tucker Carlson, and I'd still eat there three times a week.

But don't take my word for it. Check out these massive cuts.

The "Ultimate Fatty Tuna" is on the left. Midori sells sushi by the plate or by the individual piece. Each of those goes for about 400 yen ($4), and I don't question the value for a moment.

Salmon.

More Salmon.

A lot more Salmon!

The rolls they make are huge... about the same diameter as a can of coke.

MmMmmm....fish eggs are better than you think they are.

My absolute strongest recommendation, however, is the "blowtorch platter". One piece each of Salmon, Cuttlefish (aka Squid EDIT: ok, it's not all that related to squid, but it has freaking tentacles, and it's freaking delicious. Eat it. ), and Shrimp, Scallops and Tuna. Roasted to bring out the fatty flavour, it melts in your mouth like no culinary cliche I've ever tasted.

Put it this way: given my violent loyalty to unadulterated, still-flipping-raw fish, you can only imagine how "bloody" good this platter has to be for a COOKED dish to take the top spot.

Sorry that all the pieces aren't in the pic, but... let's just say that my taste buds beat out my camera/bloggind instinct.

Added bonuses!

1) They sure as hell aren't stingy about the Wasabi!

2) The Chefs are all willing to mack on girls at the bar!

/Check out the dude on the left, who totally just lost the "grenade" draw.

3) At least 50% of you stumbled across this site while looking for porn! I'm proud of you for reading the whole post! I took a peek at the referral list, and the number of people googling for some sort of Japanese Fuckfest astounded even my dirty mind. And now that I've included "Japan Fuck Fest" (with both spelling variations), the word "coke" as well as a bit about Cameron Diaz Mud Wrestling Angelina Jolie (twice), I can pretty much guarentee that MORE than 50% of you were looking for some sort of filthy awful porn. I'd like to apoligise to most of you for ruining your excitement. Still, if you're reading this, your probably hungrier than you are horny.

Directions:

Umegaoka
From Umegaoka station, head out the entrance on your left (the one with McDonald's, and yes I am aware of the irony of using a McDonald's to give directions to what might be one of the greatest sushi restaurants in the world). Turn left and follow the road to the first intersection, and take the road that turns 45 degrees to your right. Continue down the road for about thirty or forty metres, and just look for the large crowd of people waiting in line. That's the restaurant. Er... or you could use this map.

Futakotamagawa
Head north out of Futakotamagawa Station on the Tokyu Line (again, towards McDonalds...). Cross the street and head to your right towards the Takashimaya department store. (er, the Red one) It's up in the food court on the fourth or fifth floor. Just ask for directions or read the signs once you get to the Department store. Look for the lineup of people.

Shibuya
From Hachiko statue, head across the street towards the entrance to the Keio line. (If you don't know where this is, stand looking into the eyes of the Hachiko statue. Then cross the street immediately behind it - the crossing is a bit to your left). There is a huge department store called "Shibuya Mark City". Midori is on the fourth floor. Yup. Line up. McDonald's is downstairs if you want to earn a shitload of bad karma after eating at what might be the greatest bang-for-your-buck sushi restaurant in the world.

Sushi: Now available in your fridge!

2006-12-19T08:56:00.000-08:00

I've always enjoyed a lot of sushi, but have generally restricted its consumption to restaurants and the occasional take-out party. Now, though, the supermarket is fair game, and they are open 24 hours! Woo!

That means I eat a lot more of this:

Buying a package of sashimi from my local grocer is a relatively new phenomenon in my life. I think I can safely say that most people don't have enough faith in their local supermarket to take home a fish and eat it without cooking it. I was one of them. Here in Japan, though, the packages of fish come with little bits of wasabi or ginger. Well, that's enough to demonstrate to me that the grocer actually does expect you to eat this with little preparation beyond slicing it up. This is a wonderful thing, ladies and gentlemen. It really makes you feel like a culinary artist to be able to carefully select you raw fish slab, drag it home, and prepare it with the sharpest knife you own. Yes, you are indeed an amateur sushi chef!

Well, you are...until the reality that you are nowhere near close to having the skill to make it LOOK all that appetizing.

I like to call these "Picasso Rolls". Er, not because I'm an artist, but because the proportions are all wrong and everything looks a bit twisted and freakish.
Still, they tasted pretty good.

Tentacles off, mister!

2006-12-18T20:01:00.000-08:00

Any guesses where I went this weekend?

Close up pictures are ok, mind you.

mmmmmmm..... tentacley goodness. More soon.

mixed messages are the b'diggity

2006-12-17T19:57:00.000-08:00

I love it when stores try to give you two opposite messages at the same time.

"Sort of Welcoming" - We're close to being welcoming. But we're not REALLY welcoming.

/I'd like to buy a consonant, Alex. A "D" Please.

Ho Ho Ho: Let's Frightening Children!

2006-12-16T11:32:00.000-08:00

I dressed up as Santa Claus for our school party, so I naturally decided it would be a good idea to wear the suit all day.

Including while shopping...

...for delicious sushi.

Ok, shut up. You get sick of eating reindeer steaks, elf puddding and baby seal sashimi when you live at the north pole 364 days each year.

Oooo...while we're discussing disturbing things, I can actually show you a two part photo montage of me scarring some poor child for life!

Mother: It's Santa-san! Take a picture!!!
Child: (fearful silence)
Mother: (silent pushing)
Child: (fearful retreating silence)
Mother: SANTA SAN DESU! (more forceful placing)

Child: (fearful resignation, plus a lot of caution)

/note the "safe space" between the child and scary foreign man with the big beard, who is clearly NOT Santa-san.

Truth in Advertising

2006-12-15T11:38:00.000-08:00

Now this is an establishment that knows how to advertise!

I bet the owner isn't 'strong at drink'.

Barf: to vomit, or throw up. aka, what one does after waaaay too many drinks.

Japanese High School Introductions

2006-12-14T06:48:00.001-08:00

The other night, I was studying Japanese in Shibuya while waiting for my fellow all night dance party revelers. Of course, studying Japanese in public is an easy ice breaker for young J-folk who want to talk to foreigners (ie, study english and/or make dirty jokes).

So, of course, a group of high school boys noticed me studying. Eventually, one of them mustered the courage to ask a question (in Japanese)

"You speak Japanese?"

"I can speak a little." I said. "But I need to study more."
(This is both the appropriately modest answer and the unfortunate truth)

Thus, an opening was made, and a flurry of increasingly personal questions followed. Asking questions about hobbies and interests is the standard introduction method here in Japan. When people meet, it's usually five minutes of a predictable Question and Answer format. Unfortunately, the best questions came into use around 1962, and people have just been recycling them ever since.

So, how long stay in Japan?

Um... about 15 months. How about you? (I always ask this)

hahah.... I'm high school student. What's your favourite food in Japan?

I like sushi. I eat it three or four times a week.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh? Three times?

Yep. I love it...

(insert the standard few questions about our favourite fish (Eel, Salmon) and Restaurants (Midori)

.... Where are you from?

I'm from Toronto, in Canada. Do you know of it?

Ahhh.... Toront. I want to go.

To Toron-to. Yes, it's very wonderful.
(Japanese folk know that the "to" character at the end of the word usually represents "t", so they always drop the "o" a the end of "Toronto")

Wow! Do you like Japanese girl?
(It ALWAYS comes to this)

Yes, they are very nice.

oooooo.... so...which is better? Japanese girl or Canada girls??
(It ALWAYS comes to this next, and I'm nowhere near dumb enough to give a straight answer)

Well, I like fun girls, so I like both...

Really?!? Both? ... Do you play sex every night?

Actually, we say "have"...

(For a moment, he stares at me with a look of blank expectation)

/I shrug, and give in to the conversation. I show him the stickers on my phone.

"Tokyo Boy Friends Exchange"

恋人募集中 ("lover recruitment in progress")*

To me, these are funny for their shock-value. To him, they were enough to turn rumour into gospel. Sagely, he points to my crotch and nods.

It's very big, isn't it?

Um.... yeah... just promise me that you won't use that line on Western women, ok?

----------------------------------

I'm not sure what they teach these kids in Japanese high schools, but the English classes this guy has been taking seem to be entirely focused on making him a dirty, cock obsessed playboy with a love of exotic cultures and short skirts.

In the west, we rely on music videos for that important task.

English help:

1) Regarding introductions: asking questions about hobbies is par for the course here. If you want to introduce yourself naturally in English, try commenting on the situation, or something else you have in common. That's way more fun.

2) a look of blank expectation: he has no thoughts, but he's excited.

3) Shock-value: something that's effective because it's shocking. Like some of my posts, hopefully.

4) Turn rumour into gospel: Change something into commonly accepted truth.

* - Thanks again, Dave!

Japan Does Toronto, Ebi Chan Makes F * ing

2006-12-13T08:35:00.000-08:00

As some of you may know, I am very excited to be heading home for the holidays this Christmas. Toronto is a wonderful city, and there's nowhere I'd rather barbeque a huge steak while standing in a two foot snowdrift.

I plan to eat a lot of turkey, drink a lot of wine with my relatives, and watch the good natured insults fly. I also plan on sharing a lot about my exploits here in Japan, and perhaps the best place to do that would be a venue that is based on a Japanese tradition.

This is no problem, as Toronto is a very multicultural city. Apart from being a scary place during the World Cup, multiculturalism means that wonderful traditions from around the world are available. So, for a long time, I figured that my stories might best be told over a few plates of sushi. This setting might even allow me to employ my rather limited Japanese skills to their best effect, seeing as ordering sushi makes up about 28% of what I do with said skills.

And then, I stumbled upon a far more appropriate venue.

Toronto is opening up it's very own Maid Cafe.

If you are unfamiliar with this idea, it's really quite simple.

1) Open a cafe

2) Staff the cafe with cute, submissive Japanese girls. If no cute, submissive Japanese girls are available, any Japanese girls will do nicely. Actually, just about any girls will do nicely for this, but it's best to preserve some of the traditions...

Here's an example of what to look for:

If you can't find any girls, well... that's why Al Gore invented the Internet.

3) Stuff said cute, submissive girls into French Maid uniforms.

Voila!

4) Now, have your cute, submissive Japanese French maids serve irony soaked food to a healthy combination of fetishists, comedy seekers, lonely men, bottomless tops and tourists.

5) Profit!

If you want to check out the restaurant's website...it's www.imaidcafe.com

Things to note:

1) It's in Scarborough! I used to work there. It's a sketchy part of town.

2) Apparently, Hong Kong and Taiwan are Asian, and are close enough to Japanese food fit the menu. I suppose one doesn't really go to a maid cafe for the food...

3) a) Open up the "Staff" page (same as above). b) Sing "one of these things is not like the others...."

NOTES:

Obviously, maid cafes are not for everyone.

Case 2: That is so sexist, what the hell!?! and Case 3: Your clientelle is mostly female: Staff the cafe with cute, submissive boys. If no cute, submissive boys are available, any submissive boys will do nicely. If you can't find any submissive boys, well, that's what ...well... shit. That's what the stiletto heel beat-downs are for. Head for the bar.

If you still can't find any submissive boys...well, you can always fly over here to Japan. You see, the maid cafes are so successful that their gender counterparts have opened. They're called Butler Cafes, and cute boys are stuffed into butler uniforms. Those cute, submissive Japanese boys will do your bidding without requiring even a small stiletto heal beat down!

Case 4 For the gay and lesbian community: Dominant Females: See "maid cafe". Dominant Males: see "butler cafe". Submissive Males and Females: Um.... employment?

The Japanese Girl I used as an example.

Her name is Yuri Ebihara. She's kind of like the Japanese Paris Hilton...but she doesn't seem so mind bogglingly annoying or foolish (perhaps because I don't speak Japanese? Maybe someone can help me out here...) She became famous for being...well...fashionable...and still more famous for being...well...famous.

She's so famous and fashionable, in fact, that she and another fashionista cum celebrity have just released her own new line of clothes and accessories.

Appropriately, they're calling the new line "F*ing Motesto*

Whether this name comes from "Fucking Modest" (Which they don't seem to be), "Fucking Mo Testosterone" (Which may be part of the reason for their fame) or if they just plain want people to think of "Fucking" and the Motesto part is just for kicks... it will probably still be a huge hit. And by "huge hit", I mean "I'm really looking forward to hearing lots of Japanese people say "F-ING" in department stores all the time."

Final note about Ms. Ebihara.... or "Ebi-chan", as she is commonly known. "Ebi" also means "Shrimp" in Japanese. This coincidence led to a what might be the least believable celebrity endorsement of a seafood-based fast food product that I've ever seen.

/with bonus random Englishesque words on the left hand side.

EDIT: Courtesy of Ed The Cat, here is a video of Ebi hawking Ebi

Ok... I officially like her better than Paris Hilton.

(That's not a huge compliment, mind you. I feel the same way about kicks to the groin... but Shrimp girl does have...uh...stage presence.)

Safety First

2006-12-12T10:03:00.000-08:00

The other day, I was waiting for a friend outside of Shinjuku Station. I noticed that a small crowd had gathered around a strange trailer-like contraption. And by "gathered", I mean "almost entirely ignored".

Still, it is often worth braving public disinterest in the search for randomness.

Fortunately for me, dear reader, and for you, that little contraption happened to be an Air Bag Simulator.

Fortunately, the speed is set to around seven kilometres per hour. Thus, this simulator is only intended to show you what it is like to crash an airbag equipped ride-on lawnmower.

Of course, this is Japan, so a few key things are important.

1) Be sure not to equip the passenger side with an Airbag.

2) Be sure to allow children to come along. Lawsuits? What lawsuits?

Mind over matter...in your pants!

2006-12-11T09:45:00.000-08:00

While shopping in Tokyo's equivalent of Wal-Mart, Donki-hote (As I've written before, a horrible butchery of "Don Quixote"), I came across an item of clothing that seems designed to help a man feel more confident about his, well... member.

...er...more confident about his...you know...confidence...I mean...about his salute! Or his... flag staff.

Yes... down there!

AARGH.

THE SIZE OF HIS PENIS.

Ok... now that we're all on the same wavelength, we can start talking about that underwear. Specifically, a very interesting name for the underwear brand. I'm not sure I want to know the ego-crushing story that led some fellow to come up with this name, but I can only suspect that he was stopped at the gate, so to speak. Perhaps after being turned down right after pulling down his pants, our unknown product-designing hero vowed to never be caught with his pants down while his pants were down again.

So, he surely thought to himself.... how could he help build excitement with the ladies???

Well.... naming your underwear appropriately is a good start.

Bonus points for calling "13" a medium.

Now if only they could put a picture of Shaft on this, these underoos would be unstoppable. And they could use the money to launch a whole line of "Mind over matter" products, like "FULL WALLET" jeans or "ROLLS ROYCE OWNER" shirts.

Best bit of trivia: Despite the name of the product, they didn't bother to use a Black Man to pose for the box.

I love Japanese game shows

2006-12-10T20:52:00.000-08:00

I don't watch a lot of Japanese television, but there are some shows that make me wish I did. You see, not only to a lot of Japanese game shows involve doing horrible things to the contestants, they are also horrible and RIDICULOUS things.

The other thing that Japanese game shows love is involving foreigners. In this case, we add Ernesto Hoost, who is a K-1 fighter. (For those of you who don't follow sports where people kick the ever-loving shit out of one another,"K-1" is one of the more violent iterations). The show in question is "Silent Library", where the contestants randomly dish out strange punishments to one of their group. The twist is that this all supposedly takes place in a library, so everything has to be done as silently as possible.

Here you go...

If you want to experience more of this wonderfulness, I suggest searching for "gaki no tsukai" on youtube.

I'd like extra bastard, please

2006-12-09T14:26:00.000-08:00

This is a classic, but one of my favourites. Even though I'm horrifically lactose intolerant, I still love this product.

Much like the manufacturers of Deepresso,

...these wonderful folks have taken an English word and slightly modified it. This allows Japanese folk to make the association with the feeling/thing that they want to connect their product to.

Drug companies do this also, by the way.

For example:

Vigour AAAH!---> Viagara

Make Alice Sigh ---> Cialis

Awesome.

Now, imagine that you want to market a creamer for coffee or other hot drinks. You want to make sure that the wonderful Nihonjinsumer makes associations with a word that matches your product.

So, you start with the word "Cream".

Just to make sure there is no confusion, you only change one letter...and you only change it by a few letters in the alphabet. Say... 3 letters further down the alphabet.

m...

n...

o...

p...

Japanese consumer: Sounds delicious!
Native speaker: What the "#%&!& are you selling in that can???!?!?

You see, here in Japan, no one really cares what the actual meaning is. The sound of the product is much more important for promoting sales. Thus, if you associate your product with bad dates and people that grope girls on the train (Creep), no one really cares....as long as it sounds good.

mmmm..... train gropey in my coffee.

Open Season on Cat Crazyness!

2006-12-07T09:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I remember that I can't be there to personally witness ALL of the strange shit that happens here in J-land. Sad as that is, I'd like to let you know that I am happy to post suitably crazy things from YOU, dear reader. If you find something vaguely japan related in origin or culture, and that something is batshit insane, feel free to send it to me at merrymanjapan (at) gmail (d0t) com.

If you send me stuff, please let me know whether you'd like to be anonymous (eg, "You"), technically anonymous (eg, "Goshiko") or if you'd like me to splatter your identity across the internet like so much tentacle porn. (eg, I still haven't posted an outline of Dave's house key, but I'm having a copy made for that stalker of his.)

er...

Anyway...

This next video of comes courtesy of the same talented cell phone videographer that brought you the Ninja English Student video in Body, Soul and Mind.

Thanks again for the vids!

NSFW: How To Speak Sexy English

2006-12-06T10:19:00.000-08:00

First of all, NSFW stands for “not safe for work”.

Thus, you can probably guess that this post won’t be very clean, seeing as reading it at work is probably grounds for losing your job. So, don’t read this at work. More specifically, don’t play the video.

Why?

Because this is a very rude post!

You shouldn't read it unless you already know or want to learn some very dirty English words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve been teaching English for quite awhile. I think that I am a pretty good teacher, and about lessons are generally rather fun. I will admit, however, that next group of teachers taught such an interesting English lesson that other teachers will even be tempted to sign up.

Watch, enjoy, learn and grow as you see fit.

And by the way, that production was by far the most exciting way to ended in this lesson I’ve ever heard of.

So hold onto your virgin years, as I present to you...HOW TO SPEAK SEXY ENGLISH!

Language and Culture notes:

1) It’s spelled “mastUrbation”, not “mastErbation”.

2) I love that they censored the Japanese word for "Pussy", but not the Japanese word for "Cock". This in spite of the fact that they included a thirty second close-up shot of said (CENSORED).

3) I think they missed the mark with “cockpit”. I’d never heard of this used to describe anything other than the place where you drive an airplane from. I can see how they wanted to show a Pit (eg, a hole) is a good place to put a Cock, but I would have used two words (Cock Pit) and separated this metaphor from the other more widely used terms.

Back me up here, but if some girl told me to get to the "Cockpit" when when we weren’t on a plane, I'd think she was crazy. Mind you, if that girl lifted up her kilt and said “the goal to me in the complex!!!” most people would be able to figure out what she meant. So girls, don’t worry too much. If you show someone your underwear and say “Gargle me timbers and shiver the lasses!” or “Slinky My Cockpit!”, most guys will be able to figure it out.

/and girls complain that guys don’t understand subtle non-verbal communication. You just need to wear a kilt and demonstrate your intentions a little more clearly.

4) "Case of Taro" sounds a bit strange. Any of the following would be more grammatically accurate:

- Taro’s Story

- Taro’s Skit

- Taro’s Case

- Taro's Adventure In GaikokuPussyLand

- The Time That Taro Got Blown By His Teacher During Class...YEAH!!

5) The dialogue is spoken and transcribed a bit strangely. Here' s a revised script. My suggestions are in CAPITALS.

A: Hi Taro!

B: Hi Gloria, what’s up?

A: NOT MUCH…yeah… this is A /MY pussy

B: I see… this is A/MY dick.

A: IT’S A dick, not A cock, IS IT?

B: I'LL BE God Damned, you can say “Cock” too, CAN’T YOU?

I would say that “God Damned” is a bit strong for this situation. Maybe “Oh yeah, I forgot!” would be better).

A: All right, this is MY cockpit, isn’t it?

Cockpit: pussy, vagina, moist neither regions, bearded clam, whatever…. Cockpit is not so clear.

Isn’t it?: I think that she should have used falling intonation here instead of rising intonation. She isn’t asking him whether she just showed him her crotch… she’s telling him. So, “isn’t it.”

B: Yeah! I want to put MY COCK in(to) (there/you/your pussy)!

A: YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR dick inside MY pussy?

B: You are good at GIVING BLOW jobS, aren’t you?

(Dude!!! Why are you backpeddling??? She's so into you!!!)

A: Do you want to FIND OUT?

A & B: YEAH!

(This is exactly correct. When fooling around in English, people turn ninety degrees. Men turn to the right and women turn to the left. After this, both yell “YEAH!” immediately before any sexual activities.)

Overall, a well prepared lesson. Good elicitation and nice use of props and “realia”. Most of all, great job on student participation. Keep up the good work, and maybe bring another teacher to participate for the next lesson. That way, the class is sure to expand.

Language help for the language help:

/fortunately for me, most of the dirty words have already been explained...which is the point of this whole post.

Backpeddling: To go backwards, (as in pedal your bike backwards, or run backwards)... to back away from something you were headed towards before.

GaikokuPussyLand: "Gaijin" (outsider/foreigner) is actually quite a rude word in Japanese... "Gaikokujin" (person from another country) is considered much more polite. "Jin" means "person", so instead of person, I included a crass joke.

Blast from the past

2006-12-05T10:42:00.000-08:00

The other weekend, my good friend Dave showed me a delightful little izakaya in Shibuya. I have no idea what the name is, but it probably translates into either "Welcome honourable visitor to our humble and smoky place of drinking. While it is not much, we hope you enjoy your food and bring many hungry friends back to our small and poorly decorated basement" or "EAT CHEAP FOOD GOOD, YES?" I don't know... I always mix up those two characters. It's tough to find, but well worth the time and the effort. For now, let's call it The Downstairs Smack Room, being indeed the place where I acquired said carbonated double entendre.

This little place has a strange but altogether enjoyable vibe. Equal parts bar, small town diner and izakaya, stepping in is like stepping thirty or forty years back in time. Well... back to my stereotypical impression of that time, that is.

Japanese izakayas are fun and interesting places, but many of them are large chains that do away with the local character, unique dishes and perceived lack of hygiene that make the little places so much fun to visit. As soon as you step in, you'll realize that the air is swimming with a mixture of tobacco and roasting meat hanging in the air. Yes indeed, this is a smell that lets you know that now is the time and the place for indulgence.

Other than the amount of styling gel bracing most male patrons' hair, one would never know that it was 2006. The lights are dim, the walls are lined with old posters, and classic tins of food sit along the bar. The posters were the most interesting, as they seemed to be a mixture of circus burlesque and post-WWII propaganda.

Contrary to my earlier assertion of health-dismissal, you'll start your meal/drinkfest off with a large plate of cabbage.

I told Dave that cabbage helps keep you virile.*

After that, you can stock up on lots of reasonably priced yakitori (the meat skewers that perfume the air so nicely), fried plates, pizzas and just about any other cheap, hearty izakaya food that you might want. All of the prices are decidedly less than you would expect to pay. 50 yen for asparagus/bacon skewers or hard boiled egg skewers. Various cuts of chicken, Shitake mushrooms, pork and beef are all on the yakitori menu, and they certainly have a deep fryer if you want to make up for the appetizer.

I also noticed a few things going for just TEN yen. I didn't know what they hell they were at first, but we ordered five on principle.

This is what came. Sembe, as Dave had explained after ordering, are a kind of crispy snack. Our cheerful waitress plopped these in front of us a speedy fifteen minutes after we ordered (I wouldn't hustle at those prices either).

Perhaps the most amusing price on the menu was actually for Cigarettes. While Japan is known for having cheap smokes (270 yen = $2.70 per pack, anyone?), this place takes the bar to a whole new low. They offer a can of Cigarettes for 800 yen. This presumably comes in a nice tin with a whole bunch of smokes.

But... you can also get cigarettes for the low low price of 'free'.

Yep, that's right. Free.

Seemingly, if you want a cigarette here, according to the menu, you can just ask for one. Though I kicked my social smoking habit in the most unlikely of nations, I still appreciate this move as a nice gesture.

Mostly, though, I suspect this measure was put in place to cut down on flirting by cheap people. Since the bar is so bloody inexpensive, I suppose the staff had problems with some customers assuming that the other patrons were equally cheap. So, the staff went ahead and made sure that no one would have an excuse to ask for a cigarette. That way, people are forced to invest several hundred yen in a beverage, to show that they are really willing to make an effort.

With these limitations, you need to plan your strategy well ahead if you want to have a good time here. I have two main suggestions:

1) Bringing and being prepared to spend at least three or four of those 500 yen coins (yes, the big ones). You could also buy drinks with your 10 yen coins, but don't ask the waitress for her number after.

2) Bringing your own company and enjoying the fun atmosphere, incredibly well priced food and interesting posters.

3) Same as number 2, but have a lot of Smack.

Smack, seen here in it's original habitat. You generally aren't allowed to take these out of the restaurant. Fortunately, I always carry both a healthy amount of charm and the severed head of the last waitress that wouldn't let me cart away some sweet comedic gold.

----------------

Finding it:
As I said, to find the place, you'll probably need a guide. If you want to take your chances, though, it's located at the bottom of a set of stairs out in the back of Shibuya Station (near where the Hobgoblin is). From the Hobgoblin, head away from the station down to the end of the street until you see a large mall with a bridge over the road. Turn left, and look for that shady looking kung fu guy with noodles. It's around the corner from there.

* I might not actually have told him that at the time, but he knows now. Right Dave?

Sales Pitches

2006-12-04T10:50:00.000-08:00

I've got a bit of a background in sales, so I know a good sales pitch when I see one. I sometimes even enjoy them. They're kind of like art, but with the goal of inducing a response from the wallet, rather than from the heart.

Bad sales pitches, on the other hand, can be painful. Very bad ones are sometimes even funny.

For example, the owner of this karaoke box is in love with a woman. Not a specific woman, but a general "you" will suffice. In order to convince you (the woman) that he wants to take tender care of you for the rest of your life, he has chosen "killing" as his 'close'.

If the whole Karaoke master thing doesn't pan out, I'm sure he'll have a great career getting arrested for climbing over celebrities' hedges, microphone in hand.

Here is another sales pitch that is a bit too strong.

This fellow likes eating noodles. He also likes kicking you in the face. Here, he's saving a lot of time.

Of all the strong sales pitches in Japan though, there is one group that has set itself apart from all others. Anyone living in Japan knows that people are exposed to a huge amount of advertising here, but I have to say that only one organization has managed to get me to interact with their salespeople on several occasions.

I'll get to the name of the advertiser soon, but I'm willing to bet you've seen them in action if you've spent any time in this city.

Most astonishingly, they have established that I don't speak Japanese all that well, and they have actually started to send me English materials and brochures. This happened after two of their Customer Service Representatives realized that I had no idea what they were saying, they were content to press some English materials into my hand, thank me for my time and let me be. I thought they'd given up, but in almost no time, two English - speaking reps came to make sure I was ok. Amazing!

Despite not having taken advantage of their offers, they actually manage to put English-only material in my mailbox on a semi regular basis. They also keep coming back to try to "close the deal", as they say.

Ok? Any idea which group is so persistent and hardworking?

Give up?

The Mormons

English 911:

Close: The last thing a salesperson says, usually the final push to encourage someone to buy something. eg, "to close the deal".

hedges: Big plants, usually on the edge of someone's property.

glut: like "gluttony", too much, or a huge amount of something.

Japanese Sorry

2006-12-03T10:04:00.000-08:00

Visited the Design Festa today.

Note that it's not a "Fiesta" but rather a "Festa", which is totally different. Also, they have vol. 24 of the Festa Magazine available.

We'll have more on the Festa soon, but I wanted to share my newly prized sweatshirt with all of you wonderful people, to whom I hope never to apologise in this manner.

Get into the kitchen and get me some chocolate!

2006-12-02T08:47:00.000-08:00

I fully realize that a post about gender relations in Japan is both dangerous and fertile ground for comedy. After all, as far as I know, Japan is one of the few developed nations on earth where the majority of people hold the idea that that a woman should automatically quit her job after marriage. This is amazing, but not nearly as amazing as the fact that it's also financially feasable for women to do so. I say "women" because the idea of a "stay at home house-husband" is probably as foreign to most Japanese as I am while discussing the Tragically Hip after about six beers, eh?

Anyway, fortunately for you, dear reader, pontificating isn't on the menu tonight. We're going to go on mostly unrelated observation.

1) Language

Japanese is a very interesting language, and I know that many of you don't have the fonts installed on your computers... so here is a super quick primer and a basic observation that is about as original as the last pick up line you heard.

Japanese characters are ideograms, with each one representing an idea or several ideas put together to represent a concept. For example, these two characters represent common ideas...

You can combine ideas to make new concepts.... for example, a man is *powerful* in the *rice field*. Thus...

The Kanji character for "woman" is supposed to represent a kimono.

It's good to note that MEN = WORK, WOMEN = CLOTHES was figured out thousands of years before the advent of Chatelaine magazine for women.

And... of course, we also have to consider that the character for woman is used for quite a few interesting ideas (many of which are rather negative).

For example... this character.

hrmm... There are many more examples of the 女 character being used negatively (though this is not a rule)... still, I'll happily extend an offer to 私の日本の友人 (j-friends) to post any they can think of in the comments section or email them to me.

Lastly, if you don't trust the language, you should always trust the confectionery.

Here in the land of the rising sun, people know that men need their OWN damn chocolate.

English help:

the Tragically Hip - an incredibly good Canadian band that no one outside of Canada knows about. And yes, as a nation, we are VERY angry that people around the world know who Celine Dion is but don't know who The Hip are.

confectionery - candy/chocolate

Badger Badger Badger Badger

2006-12-01T08:20:00.000-08:00

Step 1: Random Internet Video.

Step 2: Reenact!

Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger

Badger Badger Badger
Badger Badger

Mush-room Mush-room

The Snaaaaakeee!

Step 3: Profit?

Rock 'n Roll, a Cola War, I can't take it any more...

2006-11-30T08:50:00.000-08:00

Raise your hand if you just hummed "We didn't start the fire..."

I happen to be a personal fan of the 1980s, and if you happen to know that Billy Joel song, you probably are too. The other day, Japan presented me with a can of carbonated awesomeness that I haven't laid eyes on since the heady days of "New Coke". I don't know about you, but while Coke and Pepsi have always been tasty ways to simultaneously feed my caffeine and sugar urges, they have always lacked a certain indescribable quality. Despite dominating the beverage market and the vending machines of my life, I always maintained a can shaped hole in my heart for the lost bit player that stood for the small town cola machines of summer holidays. A cola product, if you will, of my lost youth.

And I found it in the strangest of places. In the local foreign food supermarket in the basement of a Shinyurigaoka departmetn store, there it was. Amid a clutter of American Tabasco sauce flavours and British Twinnings tea variants, stuck in between some strange lemon drink and a case of Kool aid, I saw it...

My sweet blue canned youth!

Royal Crown Cola! It seems like it's been since 1905 that I last tasted your yummy, sugary bubbles.

I know we all have things that remind us of our childhoods, and RC Cola is one for me. Oh...to be a little kid again... back when we had seriously stressful things to deal with, like who we should play with at recess, or what was wrong with jogging pants...or why the hell everyone would start declaring that you liked some girl when you didn't really even know who she was. (Oh, if I could go back and slap some sense into my eighth grade self, man, there would have been some hot PG rated over-the-clothes light petting.)

Of course, one has to remember that the trusty bureaucrats at the Fucked Up Shit Department have been keeping track of various cultural imports. And, after we saw how they dealt with the culinary challenge presented by Korea, we can assume a similarly heavy handed response. Finally, given the amount of nostalgia that is pressed into each and every can of RC Cola, the F.U.S.D. would be well aware that they would have to lay some serious smack down to best RC in the contest to become "Sweet Carbonated Nectar Of My Dreams."

Well, they did just that.

They laid the Smack down, that is.

Literally.

We can always count on the F.U.S.D. to make wonderfully horrific sentences a cultural necessity.

This, ladies and gentlemen, was the actual line I used to acquire a bottle of this fun for my home collection:

Oh waitress, Can I have some more Smack please? To Go?

English Help:

I always maintained a can shaped hole in my heart ; I always kept a special place for (eg, "remembered") for RC Cola.

the lost bit player: a small company/person that tried to compete against a larger company, but lost.

the heady days of "New Coke": "heady" means exciting, as in "things are going to your head". "New Coke" was a brief experiment by Coca Cola to change the taste of their drink. It was a total failure, and Coke brought out "Coca Cola Classic" soon after.

hot PG rated over-the-clothes light petting: elementary school romantic contact. Probably kissing and not much else.

to Smack (verb) - to hit someone/something, often across the face. It has a connection to gangsta/pimp culture. So, to "lay the smack down" is to hit someone, or more commonly, to assert your authority in an aggressive manner.

a Smack: related to the above, a slap or blow. eg: She gave him a smack for looking at other girls.

some Smack: (uncountable noun) (slang): Heroin, a powerful drug.

Unrelated, but not Unremarkable

2006-11-29T09:04:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER:

THIS POST HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH JAPAN.

I'm posting this because a fellow of mine made something interesting, and this is the only soap-box I have. Also, I want to make fun of him. So there. Deal with it. If you want crazy Japanese stuff, er... come back in a day or two.

The subject of this post is one of my closest friends, and a man I certainly look up to. After all, he's six feet and about thirty two inches tall, so it's hard not to look up to the man. A few years ago, he found himself with a four year liberal arts degree and fewer job prospects then the brochure had promised (sound familiar, any of you?). Anyway, this fellow mustered the guts to go back to school and acquire an education that would lead to actual employment!

So he thought about all of the things he loved, and settled on movies as the top choice. Yep, he went to film school. Not the film school where you sit in a dark room, wear black, watch movies, and comment on how brilliant Orson Welles was. No, he went to the REAL film school, where you get out of the dark room, wear black, make movies, and prove how brilliant Orson Welles was.

/that was said in love. The upcoming short piece is WAAAY more colourful than "Citizen Kane".

Anyway... the fellow's name is Aizick (pronounced like "Issac" or "eye - sack", if you want), has decided to put his technical and directional* skills to work. For subject matter, he decided to go with something he enjoyed, was familar with, and which requires a reasonable amount of work in the special effects department. Also, in the interest of ensuring a wide audience, he was also smart enough to select subject matter that comes ready made with a large viewing audience.

Slick.

So, any guesses? What subject matter requires special effects, demands action sequences, and includes enough in the way of popular cultural awareness that even a single word or symbol can make all but the tiniest fraction of viewers fully aware of the general setting and background for the story? *

Hmmm.... ok. It's pop culture time. What is today's subject????

Well, I can get you there with two words. Or one picture.

Yeah.... that's right. My boy Aizick put together a mini Star Wars movie. And, it's damn good too, or I wouldn't have felt comfortable mocking his skills so much.

And so, without further blathering from me.... I give you

"Days Laid Waste"

You can also watch a higher quality version at this website: www.dayslaidwaste.com

And... you can feel free to post comments for him on YouTube as well.

Bravo buddy! Way to go! Remember that this is primarily an exercise in production and technical skill, so appreciate it for what it is: a really fun way to enjoy the the process of bringing together a lot of technical skill with a lot of imagination.

Interesting trivia (aka "more blathering that's not really related):

1) If it was *my* sister in the video, she would have been performing in a turtleneck and a snowsuit, no matter how much of a hellion*. I assume she is at university. And I certainly wouldn't be encouraging her to kill people with her tentacles! Sheesh. What kind of older brother are you?

2) Aizick's last name proves that we were meant to be friends, and to balance each other out.

Let's see.... he's tall, relatively slender, and his last name is Grimman. Er... I'm...uh....er.... named.... Merri...man.

3) This film was shot in a park right down the street from my family home north of Toronto.

4) That park is also right behind the hospital where all of the SARS stuff went down the other year.

4b) Yes I was quarantined. Shut up.

5) For the record, the words I was going to use to make the star wars connection (before I thought of using a picture) were: 1) Lightsaber, 2) The Force, 3) Jedi, 4) George Lucas

*English notes:

directional(adj): related to direction. Using it here is a joke, to make it rhyme with "technical". The correct word for planning and organizing the various camera shots and actors in a film is "directing".

hellion [hel-yuhn] (n): Someone who is dangerous and out of control. My sister probably isn't, but I like to make fun of her too.

popular cultural awareness: Pop Culture is the stuff that everyone knows. The things the mass media cover. Things like "The Simpsons", or "SMAP" in Japan. Tom Cruise and his ilk are in the pop culture "landscape" just about everywhere. People are aware of Star Wars practically eveywhere that movies are watched.

The basic meaning of the huge sentence that "popular cultural awareness" is taken from is: "Lots of people will know things about Aizick's movie because Star Wars is famous."

Grimman: "Grim" means sad and serious. The opposite of "Merry". Aizick isn't really a Grim man, but he sure is a Grimman!

/Oh... it's so very sweet to make that joke about someone else. If only we'd had a friend named Ilovebuttseckswiththeoddman.... I'd never have heard a single "You married a man?!" joke during all of elementary school.

Sickfoot

2006-11-28T12:30:00.000-08:00

I came home on a relatively cold day a little while ago, and I had a startling realization.

I think the "Foot Clan" was inspired by Japan.

Not in the way you think... that the fictional Foot Clan, enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (and Casey Jones) are based on an ancient Ninjutsu society. I'll admit that it's...possible.

But this is for real!

I mean.... I think that their appearances were probably dreamed up during the annual fall "cold" season in Japan.

Check it out! Shredder was definitely inspired by a sick day.

April O'Neal will go out with me if look this good. Yeah baby.

I'm a deadly man, so watch out! My kung flu is strong!

Confused? Check this out: TMNT's Foot Clan.

Do Canadians cry maple syrup? Very Maybe.

2006-11-27T08:24:00.000-08:00

Ｓｏｍetimes, you get a chance to meet someone who is truly hilarious. My ego and I consider ourselves to be a rather humourous *sometimes*, but these people go well beyond "funny". I'm not about to hurt feelings or launch careers by naming names, but you can rest easy, dear reader, as you are at or near the top of list, (or will be when I meet you). Still, over the last year or so, I have enjoyed spending time with a certain man of inordinate comic talent. He's not just funny, ladies and gentlemen, he is a master of inter-cultural comic timing, slightly limited vocabulary and more slapstick than you could shake charlie chaplin holding a rubber chicken at. I'm a big fan of the oversell, but it's hard to do justice to the original. Let's just say I pray that I have a video camera on the day he finds a banana peel on the ground.

Some time ago, I promised that you'd hear about this man... so.... without further ado, I present...

Takuya!

Perhaps some background is important. I had the pleasure of meeting Takuya through two very wonderful gentlemen.

These guys would be Nick and Atsushi, who are both great guys that spent a lot of time as the closest of clothed friends. During his time here, Nick had the distinct pleasuring of meeting a delightful girl named Maki. Takuya is that girl's brother.

The story of when Nick and Takuya first met goes something like this.

Nick was very worried about meeting his girlfriend's older brother. After all, he had never met any Japanese family, and he worried greatly about how to impress the fellow. The day finally came, and he met Maki at her house. She introduced her brother, who bowed slightly and shook Nick's hand. Nick didn't quite know what to say, but stammered a greeting...
"Hello," he said. "Nice to meet you. I'm Nick."
"Nick," said Takuya thoughtfully. "You are my dream."
"....???" Nick's entire relationship flashed before his eyes, as Maki just about laughed herself silly.
"Takuya!" she chuckled. "You want to say 'what is your dream?'"

The rest, as they say, is history. Even with Nick apologetically having departed for the shores of New Jersey, I still hang out quite often with Takuya and Atsushi. Fortunately, our good friend Atsushi is quite capable in both English and Japanese. He is thus able to rescue Takuya and I from the occasional conversation consisting of "YES! IT IS DELICOUS! I LIKE IT LOTS!" "私も！美味しいです！”

That said, Takuyua and I have managed to form our own little blend of English and Japanese. You see, his English is quite a bit better than my Japanese, but we still often resort to wild gestures and pointing to share our ideas.

For example, this is "good communication" of the concept of "Good".

Here, we demonstrate "Bad".

One of the things that makes Takuya such a fun fellow is the fact that he holds within him the unrivaled comic blend absolute confidence and general ineptitude. It's a simple inverted arithmetical relationship, where the worse he is at something, the more you can expect him to boast and dive straight in. So, generally, you can assume that lots of confidence means of lots of hysterical disaster.

This isn't to say that he's a cocky, overconfident ass, because that would be far from the truth and a great injustice. I'm about to make fun of him a whole lot, so I want to make it absolutely clear that his presence guarantees an entertaining night, and I do enjoy spending time with him. He's earnest, fun and a good guy all around. Thus, he makes for a ripe target. I respect his confidence, and his cheer. He just good-naturedly does his best at everything, and tries especially hard when he's... bad at stuff. I dearly love the man, and I love the fact that he smiles his way through any setback.

So... now that I've been extra complimentary, hopefully that will make up for the photographic evidence I'm about to present. Without further ado, let's dive into...

A STEP BY STEP PHOTOGRAPHIC GUIDE TO TAKUYA'S GREATEST HITS*!

*misses.

1) HITTING STUFF!

Let's start with a simple wear-a-blindfold-and-whack-a-watermelon game.

Step 1) Approach the watermelon

Step 2) Find some psuedo-nearby dirt

Step 3) Hit the dirt so hard you break the stick.

/seriously. He smashed the metal stick in half.

2) BOATING!!

Step 1) Get into the boat facing the wrong way. That's important. It will help remind your friend to get his camera out and start taking pictures.

Step 2) Generally, a large pond doesn't have that many opportunities to hit the trees. Do so anyway.

Step 3) Check the instructions.

Step 4) Fold yourself into the "power" position. YOOOOOSH!!!! PULL REALLY FREAKING HARD!!

Step 5) Gloat in boating dominance of your awesome forward momentum.

Step 6) You'll get it eventually.

3) DRINKING!

Takuya, fortunately for governments around the world, was born without much of the enzyme that breaks down alcohol.

1 DRINK!

2 DRINKS!

3 DRINKS!

er... 3 DRINKS!

4) AWARENESS OF THE SITUATION AND/OR CAMERA!

There's nothing waitresses like more than drums.

Seriously.

Cheese?

How about now?

5) ENGLISH!

Actual quotes:

"Um... Brento... Do Canadians Cry Maple Syrup?"

Someone: "What do you think of Nick being your brother in law?"
Takuya: "Um.... Very Maybe."

Eventually I will track down a better video, as I definitely put him on the spot in this case. Nonetheless, here's a video of him trying to explain that we are friends.

This could also be filed under drinking.

Ａｌｌｔｈｅ Japanese you need for this video:

"Eigo" (sounds like "Eggo") English
"Eigo De" In English
"hiyaku" Hurry up!

Best trivia: Takuya works as a High School English Tutor.

/which makes sense if you don't know a scrap of English, it has to be explained in Japanese first...

6) BODY LANGUAGE!
One of the things that makes Takuya so great is the fact that he gestures wildly and flails around like some crazy westerner. This is not so typical for the Japanese, but it sure makes for fun social interaction.

/many more pictures are coming to this section.

7) RELATIONSHIPS!!!
Oh... laaaadiessss???! HE'S SINGLE!
/seriously. You should bump uglies with him.

He's...like...rich...

...and he promotes world peace.

And... if you're into dressing up like a cartoon character, he's kind of into that too.

They say that communication is 90% non verbal... and I believe it. Regardless of my limited Japanese skills and his unique English skills, we speak the same language.

... it's called "being crazy"

Help Wanted

2006-11-26T11:21:00.000-08:00

I spotted a sweet job advertisement today.

Apparently, this restaurant needs some floor staffs. (that would be "staff" for those of you, er, counting).

But the real fun requires you to be a bit closer...

The English portion of the ad is quickly made redundant by demanding that patrons be able to communicate in Japanese. I suppose they are willing to take someone who can speak Japanese, but who can't read it.

And on the plus side, they also promise not to test you tooooo hard.

(Lab rats, Frankenstein's Monster(s) and Biology Majors need not apply.)

Also, I have no idea how much money they make at this restaurant, but if I could work 900 yen minutes for even one hour per day, I would quickly become a wealthy man. Unfortunately, for some reason, they seem to only pay you 850 yen per hour if you can read Japanese.

/ok ok... I'm being mean. a minimum of 900 yen per hour... but there's still no clear explanation for the wage difference.

English Help: Experience is what you often need for a job. Experiments are what you do to find out more about something, for example, cutting something open or soaking it in acid.

Cafe fun!

2006-11-25T11:37:00.000-08:00

And, competing with that no panties bar with the mirrored floors for the title of "most exciting cafe ever", we have....

Just remember to wear a scarf for a few days after you leave.

E Mistyree Nuethrde

2006-11-24T10:54:00.000-08:00

Sorry, that title would be "A Mystery Unearthed", but I have chosen to spell it with the same technical accuracy of today's forces of lingustic evil.

This is one of the major convienence stores, or "conbenies" as they are commonly known around J-land. I have always been a bit puzzled by this name, as it seems to be a bit gibberishey. At first, I figured that they were promoting the freshness of their goods, and assumed that Sun-Kus was a

of "Sun Kiss". See, that's pretty close... just switch the u for an i, and drop an s.... makes sense, right?

Then someone told me that the "K" was actually an "R". Er... Sun Rus? Sun Rust? ... ermm....

Sun Rise?

maybe.

Now, the difficulties that the Japanese have with the letter "R" are well known. One of my former students used to interchangably spell her name "Lina" and "Rina". When I asked my Japanese co-worker to clarify what her actual name was, she responded with "Both. To us, they're the same." So, I was understandably concerned that they decided to make the "R" super jumbo size.

Still...I started pondering what things would be like with "Sun Lus"

Sun Less?
...naw... too negative.

Son Lust?
I bloody hope not.

Sun Lust?
Hrmm... maybe.... but still a bit dirty.

So, I just let it go until today...when finally the the mystery was explained!

Ready?

It's supposed to day "Thanks".

Readers: WHAAAAA????

Yeah... I felt that way too, so I know what you're thinking. But seriously, when the word "Thanks" is changed to Japanese syllabary, it becomes ”スンクス"　（sunkusu). This happens because some key sounds are missing. There's no "Th" sound in Japanese, so they use "Su" (like "suh"). N is ok, but since all consonents other than "n" are followed by a vowel sound, you have to have "ku" instead of "k". At the end of the word, the Japanese sometimes barely pronounce the last vowel sound. So there you have it.

Su n ku s(u).

But I still have no idea why they didn't just use "Domo" or "Arigato", which are the Japanese words for "Thanks." I can understand not wanting to call it "Ari G" for fear of mixing things up with the Sasha Baron Cohen character, but they totally could have used Domo.

English Help:

1) Sorry for the L/R comments. I know that the corresponding sound in Japanese is halfway between the English L and R. Trust me, I have been trying to get my head around particles, and they totally kick my ass. Ga? Wo? What? So we're even, ok?

2) gibberishey: This isn't a real word. "Gibberish" means "nonsense". Adding "y" or "ey" to a noun can make it an adjective. eg, "Gooey" or "messy"

3) Mish Mash - this is like a blending or mix up. Think "mashed potatoes".

4) Lust - means desire, specifically sexual desire. I don't think this is such a good word to use in a name for a company that competes with "Family Mart".

5) Sasha Baron Cohen is a comedian who has a character named "Ali G". He also just released a big movie called "Borat".

Maximum Denshitty

2006-11-23T07:58:00.000-08:00

When someone mentions Tokyo, one of the things that comes to mind is the public transportation system. Tokyo's trains are a miraculous tangle of steel spaghetti that carries millions of people around the city with to-the-minute precision. They are operated by about ten different groups, including the metropolitan government, the national rail company, and a host of department store companies. (The department store operators are actually quite brilliant to have built train lines... all of the major transfer points are situated beneath branches of their stores, so they use the train lines to bring customers in.) Overall, there are so many train lines that you can usually get from point A to point B three or four different ways.

Maybe some maps would help.

Here's a map of the JR lines in the greater Tokyo area.

The most crowded train line in the world is the Yamanote Line. It's the green circle in the middle of the map.

Oh, and there are also these private lines that run in the same area.

Oh yeah...there's a third map for the subway trains. The gray line here on the subway map is the Yamanote line (the green one above)

Keep in mind that these maps cover much of the same area. Separate maps are used because they would have to resort to using Queer Eye For The Straight Guy colours to keep all of the lines...straight. ("Take the tope line to the teal line, then transfer to the mauve one!") There are also a whole bunch of private lines that cover the outlying area that aren't represented on this map.

Apart from being amazingly well integrated into the city, Tokyo's trains are also known for being...crowded.

This isn't always the case, and generally you can physically fit onto any given train. There are a few exceptions though. Trains can be crowded during rush hour, obviously, but the worst amount of overcrowding often happens on "Last Train". Since so many trains run each day (The Yamanote Line that circles the city runs every two minutes during peak hours, and every five minutes otherwise) they shut down the network between about 1 am and 5 am for maintenance. Unfortunately, this can mean that lots of people want to take the train...which leads to this:

These shots are from the Denentoshi Line, which runs west from Shibuya.

One thing I love about this situation is that these shots are from the SECOND to last train, which has has already been jammed to capacity. The sad looking people on the platform were physically unable to squeeze themselves onto the train.

This is what they look like as the train pulls away.

On the inside of the last train, things can look a little like this.

How on earth do you deal with this sort of situation and not go crazy or feel claustrophobic?

Well... on your birthday, the solution is actually quite easy.

Chug scotch from a bottle, and try really hard to get the commuters to join you.

They won't, but you'll at least free up some space for your drinking arm...

Despite the pun in the title of today's post, I actually love the Tokyo transit system. The train near my little pocket of Tokyo's "Suburbia" runs every twelve minutes at worst, and every five minutes in the morning. Riding trains might not offer the door-to-door, on demand experience of cars, but what they have to offer is much better: peace of mind. Riding trains is convenient, social, easy and sometimes, drunken. You never worry about so many of the things that make car ownership a pain in the you-know-where: parking, sobriety, insurance, traffic, gas prices, accidents, road rage.... the list goes on and on.

Take a moment and think about the pictures of the train ride above. Despite the fact that I had a rather intimate experience with about seven strangers simultaneously, I still didn't get off the train angry, or stressed, or tired. Now think about what it would be like twenty times the usual number of cars clogged your evening commute. I would guess that somewhere near a thousand people (more?) jammed themselves onto two trains while I watched, we still reached our destination in exactly 21 minutes. Now think of adding an extra thousand cars to your local highway over a ten minute span. Think you'd still get home in 21 minutes?

Furthermore, I firmly believe that the train network here allows people to be more social. Would you drive alone in a car for an hour just to meet your friend for dinner and a few drinks? Maybe, but how often? An hour on a train listening to music or reading a book leaves you energized, where an hour in a car leaves you drained.

I've always been at least a moderate advocate of public transit. After more than a year of riding the rails here, you can officially check off "rabid screaming teenage fan club" for my level level of excitement. I still haven't asked any train conductors to sign my ass, but you never know.

Oh, and for the record, I don't mind crowds. They mind me.

Weird Science: The Gas Quest

2006-11-21T08:08:00.000-08:00

Tokyo is known around the world for being the centre of Japanese business. As Japanese companies are famous for being on the cutting edge of technology, one could reasonably expect that the Japanese would build a science centre that would suitably inspire visitors with their... sciencey-ness.... er....scienceosity.... erumm.... scientology? no... that's not it....

The Science Museum is located at Kudanshita Station, on the Hanzamon Subway Line. From Exit #2, walk up the street and head over the river on your left. It's quite scenic.

Of course, the Science museum is logically located within what appears to be a traditional castle gate.

YEah... that's what any respectable museum needs. A fort. The museum is in a large garden, in a fort. This is clearly what keeps it from being overrun by screaming masses of scantily clad teenage girls.

er.... don't mind them...they're headed for the nearby concert area.

/a warm welcome to anyone who's just joining us from Google. Sorry, today's post doesn't feature any pictures of "scantily clad teenage girls", but we'll have a girl in a bubble, a relatively hot robot and people riding a lot of things before we're done, so feel free to stick around.

Liquid Nitrogen, Earthquake Machines and a Bubble Girl!
Anyway, I'm sure that a lot of people were inspired by the various exhibits. For example, you can watch an official scientist (white lab coat = "official") play with liquid nitrogen in a workshop. You can also learn about various power grids, operate a crane and and even ride a simulator that allows you to experience an earthquake measuring 7 on the Richter scale. All of these things are very interesting, especially the fact that the earthquake simulator allows you to see how the same earthquake feels in a "seismically isolated building" (aka really huge shock absorbers).

They had a machine that let you encase your friends in impenetrable walls of impervious, invincible, unbreakable bubble!

Bwa ha ha!

Ride the Skycycle!
They also had a very....safe contraption called a "Skycycle". By allowing you to ride back and forth across a room on a bicycle suspended on a cable, the exhibit is designed to make you think about how people balance on their bicycles. It accomplishes this neat trick by first lulling you into a false sense of security on the first half of the trip, then scaring the living crap out of you by being totally out of control on the second half.

You might seem calm and composed...

But really, it feels more like this...

For example, the pedals are directly linked to the rail, and spin whether or not you pedal. This means that you have to either surrender control, or surrender a broken toe!

Let me transcribe this rider's thought here...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Of course, no medium captures the sheer exhilaration of risking certain discomfort on the deadly padded floor below like.... grainy cell phone video! Go Atsushi!

ROBOTS!

Oh yeah... robots. I almost forgot.

Well, they had a bunch of them. The most memorable was this robot, which perfectly simulated human Customer Service at any major attraction!

1) It doesn't really care what you want.
2) It's really good at ignoring you.

3) Even if it did care, it can't really hear you. (Here the robot says "Sorry...excuse me... one more time please?")
4) But being Japanese and female, it's still impeccably dressed.

A QUEST!

Really, though, I was more interested in finding some sort of meaning or purpose for my lactose intolerant existence.

FEAR NOT, young lactard. The Great and wise muse of science has a great and noble task for you. If you have the strength in your gut, and the power in your spleen, dare you accept....

THE GAS QUEST!!!!

Yes! Yes, wise muse of science! I accept your gassy task!

First, young lactard, go out the front door of this room, then turn left. After that, just ask the man on the throne where you should go.

He will tell you many things, but know that The Gas Quest is far from over! You must journey forth to the ancient source of the Gassyness!

The Methane Monument!

With the mythical cherub of squatty-fart!

Here, you will study various mystic words, such as "Goo" and "Boo" which will help you comprehend the great, silent, deadly mystery.

And let no question of who dealt it, nor who smelt it, stand in your way.

Clench your courage, and then let go of yourself.

Surely, you will feel...... "Enlightenment"!

English help:

Scientology: A cult famous for recruiting Hollywood celebrities like Tom Cruise. They're a bit crazy.

...impenetrable walls of impervious, invincible, unbreakable bubble: All of these words mean "strong" or "unbreakable". A bubble is actually easy to break. ; )

Gas Quest, Just ask the man on the throne: "Throne" is slang for "Toilet". "Gas" is a nice word for "farting".

And let no question of who dealt it, nor who smelt it, stand in your way. In North America, when one kid smelled something gross, and exclaimed "eeeewww!" another child would often reply with the rhyme "You smelt it, you dealt it!", which suggested that the child yelling "eeeewww" was only doing so to cover his own guilt.

"Enlightenment" There is a triple meaning here. 1) when you pass gas/go to the bathroom, you get lighter. 2) the light is making the statue brighter and 3) the light looks like something from heaven, implying spiritual "enlightenment" or wisdom.

Healthy Digestion

2006-11-19T07:54:00.000-08:00

Irony has many definitions, but I happen to enjoy these two the most:

1) A difference between what is expected and what actually happens.
2) When a word is used to mean something different than it's literal (dictionary) definition.

About 74% of the fun I have in Japan comes from the fact that I see irony everywhere.

(Editor's note: most likely, this indicates that the irony is within the Author, as he has (1) strange expectations and (2) a really strange mind).

Of course, whenever possible, I try to explain things with food.

Irony:
Q: What are we going to eat for dinner?
A: Stomach!

Interesting trivia: You can tell how long a western person has been living in Asia by the materials they come up with when trying to guess the identity of a new food. You can guess how much they like it here by their reaction to said new food.

Me: (holding up sliced stomach) "So...is this seaweed...or octopus.... or what?"
Friend: It's cow stomach.
Me: Ok. (chewing...) Mmmm! Tasty!

Louis Vouschnauser

2006-11-17T08:08:00.000-08:00

One of the things that blows my mind like Charlie Sheen amounts of heroin is just how much some Japanese people love their dogs. I don't mean in that healthy, "Poochie is a member of the family" kind of way, but more like that "I love the latest $208372 handbag that looks exactly like the one from 2005 butOMGnewstraps!" way.

Translation: They love their dogs a damn lot.

And by love, I mean "shower with gifts". Doggie booties, doggie jackets...Doggie strollers! How about that. When you walk the dog... the dog doesn't walk, it gets displayed. Or better, Doggie carrying cases, so you can take your dog on the train like any other fashion luggage.

And then, down by the port of Yokohama, sitting on some prime harbourfront real estate, we have this gem.

That's right.... your first thought might be that this was a trendy coffeehouse...

But alas... it's not even a trendy, pet-friendly coffeehouse. Oh no... if you looked carefully, you've already realized the sheer horror of the truth: this is a doggie glamour photo studio.

You can take your sweet hollywood-bimbo-inspired chia pet excuse for a canine here, and accessorize it until you drop, and then capture the moment on film forever.

Oh, but what if poochie-woochie is tiredy-wiredy after his weaaly wwonng daaayyy....

Never fear, Madam De Vil! Why, just carry your poor, exhausted, precious pet to our nearby...

EvolDog Hotel&Rest!

During his stay, your dog will relax one of our lovely Prada Pillows, then down a tasty breakfast assembled by our crack squad of canine South Beach diet experts, and finally be exposed to healthy dose of Gamma Rays to help poochie kick start his trip up the evolutionary ladder in style! We're sure that he'll thank you telepathically in the morning.

Special this week with our "Silver" package: Neuter your boyfriend for half price!

(Sorry dude... but going in there was a mistake and you know it.)

/Unfortunately, due to a subtle and slight amount of vehement, uncompromising loathing for the practice of pet-sessorizing, I have no photos of any dogs actually being treated to this travesty.

//I'm sure you'll agree that those feelings totally didn't come out in this post.

///Really, I love dogs and I am just angry on their behalf.

////I *suppose* that the people who do this *might* love their dogs too.

/////shut up conscience, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip.

The "Advertising Created With A Dartboard" Department Presents....

2006-11-15T07:38:00.000-08:00

Time for a simple test:

Shinjuku is:

a) A city in Japan

b) Part of Tokyo

c) A "New Hotel"

d) all of the above

DRESS UP is:

a) An advertising campaign

b) Mr. The best children's show EVER.

c)

and

d) all of the above.

MYLORD is

a) An upscale department store

b) an expression of surprise.

c)

d) all of the above.

The Pig is

a) Probably a lot more effective in this ad than I am giving him/her/it credit for.

b) Supposed to be representative of high class customers

c) Advertising clothing...naked.

d) all of the above.

Bonus points:

e) Also displayed on a huge four story sign in what is probably the busiest commuter district in the world.

Answers: All of the answers are correct. You Win.

Insensitivity 101: Dangerous English

2006-11-14T08:16:00.000-08:00

The job hazards related to teaching English are rather few and far between. Mostly, they are non-job related, and consist of such things as

1) Being semi regularly accosted by the police to make sure that you didn't steal the bicycle you are riding, and that you are in the country legally (3x to date).

2) Falling asleep on the train and going WAAAAY too far. (7x at least)

3) Being totally unable to express important thoughts like "Does it come in a light beige?" or "Where the hell does this bus go?" (A lot, but less common than a year ago)

To be honest, the sole hazards on the job as I have experienced them are mostly related to being accidentally insulted by students trying to make leaps of language.

Case and point was a while back when I asked my students to describe me, and the first one said..

"Umm....I think you're....chubby!"

All truthiness aside, this is still clearly not a good thing to say.

A related example came during a recent discussion of the health benefits of Japanese food. I pointed out that I have lost about 13kg since arriving, and thanked a combination of being more active and eating more healthily. One student nodded... then said sagely:

"Hmm... that IS interesting. You should lose another 13 kilograms."

While this...true, I did point out that it is generally considered rude to tell people to lose weight, regardless of whether or not they need to.

One of the best, though, came in a recent lesson on metaphors. I asked students to compare themselves to animals. They responded in kind, coming up with reasonable suggestions like cats, birds and bears. Then I asked them to think of one for me.

Student: (ponders....) I know! You are calm, thoughtful and you aren't...how do you say (waves hands frantically around)...
Me: Hectic? Busy?
Student: Yes! umm... you're like a ... COW!
Me: .... um....
Student: YES! You always take care when you correct us and that is thoughtful... like a Cow, right?
Me: Um...well... (writing "Cow" and "Bull" on the board)....first of all, "Cows" are female, and they are often associated with stupidity...

Of course, it's hard to be really insulted. I know that she was trying to be very flattering, and just got mixed up in the cultural connotations animals have. For example, Japanese people have a really hard time with "As quiet as a mouse", because mice are considered to be noisy and annoying here. In the end, it's my job as a teacher to make sure she doesn't get into any fistfights later in life.

And... I suppose Japanese people don't have the best impression of what cows are like...

But come on! It's still clearly a female cow. ... that's run out of Advil...

(I don't know if you can tell, but I'm ducking behind my keyboard here....)

ANYWAY... we're going to awkwardly segue into another common area for accidental insults: the fact that words can mean different things to British and North American speakers of English.

For example:

Harmless North American English story:
I had a rough time yesterday while running to catch a ride! I was headed out the door, and I caught my pants on the the knob! At first, I was pissed, but then I smiled, because I realized that I'd forgotten my fanny pack!

What it means to a North American:
I had a difficult time yesterday while running to catch my car-pool. I was headed out the door when I caught my jeans on the door handle. At first, I was angry, but then I smiled because I realized I'd forgotten my waist bag!

How it sounds to a British Person:
I had a rough time yesterday while running to have some sex. I was headed out the door, and I caught my women's underwear on the penis! At first, I was drunk, but then I smiled, because I realized that I'd forgotten my package of vaginas!

Effective Signage

2006-11-13T05:35:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, signage can be very effective by including a subtle message in the art work.

Take, for example, a simple "Keep Out" message. I suppose you could include something really frightening. Depending on who you wanted to keep out, you could include a monster, or a picture of someone being electrocuted, 43 pairs of K-mart Polyesther pants or whatever.

I spotted one a little while ago that had a really nice subtle touch.

See it?

Yeah... I wouldn't go in there either.... no matter how much fun they say "milking the prostate" is.

Don't push "#" just yet

2006-11-12T09:20:00.000-08:00

The other day I stumbled onto the source of all of the difficulties that Japanese people have with English. You see, I found the instruction manual, and apparently, something went wrong between step 1 and step 2....

Maybe it was the fact that the 3 and the 2 are reversed on a Mobail Phone, and they pushed the wrong button.